I’ve Got a Disease

Is it just me or do you sometimes put your foot in your mouth?

I love this picture because my freakish long second toe is sticking out like a finger.
That toe has a mind of it’s own I tell ya.

Foot in Mouth Disease: It often goes like this: you say something and as the words are rolling off of your tongue, you know it is wrong, but it is also too late. Everything moves in slow motion and you want to stop, to take it all back, to do a do-over, but the moment has passed. Then, you try to clean up your mess by:

• Over justifying what you have said. Example: “It’s just that your baby is so bald and in that polo shirt I thought she was a he. I mean, she is potentially so gorgeous. When her hair grows in she will be really pretty finally. Oh I’ll stop talking now.”
• Apologizing profusely. Example: “Oh, wow. I should have never said you looked great for being seven months pregnant. I simply forgot you had your baby seven months ago. My bad!”
• Laughing awkwardly and hysterically at yourself. Example: “Bahahhahahahaha! I am so dumb! You said you had to get a cab! I thought you said you had crabs!”
• Turning around and walking away. No example needed.
• Pretending you never said it. “What? I did not just say your mom needed to shave. Why would I ever say that? You are dumb for even thinking that. What is your problem? I cannot believe you. Seriously. I don’t think we can hang out anymore.”

By now you know I am working up to a story. One of my finest foot-in-mouth moments in quite some time.

The story:

Last week I had just gone for a long trail run. In a running skirt. It was a gorgeously warm Colorado day. I had to head straight to the grocery store post-run, so I went in my skirt. As I was approaching the store door, I realized I forgot my coupons (I LOVE my coupons). I quickly turned around to walk back to my car when I fell in step with a sassy woman (SW). She was checking me over, up and down and all around. I looked at her and smiled.

SW: GURL!!!!!!!! Look at them legs!! Gurl, you’ve got it going on!
Me: Oh, thanks.
SW: Gurl!! I just love your legs. Gurl must do some serious working out!!

This was the turning point. I could have just taken the compliment, smiled and been on my way. But for some reason, I felt like I had to compliment her back. I don’t know why. Stupid. As I looked at her face, something just stood out. And, before I knew it, I came out with:

Me: And YOU!! YOU have the nicest…LIPS!
SW: {silent}
Me: I mean, you have that purple lipstick on and…well…it’s just so nice…and your lips…they’re so big and…well, bye.

Really? Did I really just compliment her on her lips? These lips that were so dang big she probably had heard about them her whole life. Why couldn’t I have mentioned her hair or her blouse? Really, her lips? What is wrong with me? The only worse thing might have been commenting on her camel toe. Which I don’t think she had, but I didn’t have time to check.

This is only my latest in a long history of FIMD (Foot in Mouth Disease). Usually my tactic is to immediately own up to the stupid comment and laugh at myself. But, with lip lady I just walked away from her sassiness and her big lips. I couldn’t figure out a way to make it right.

What’s one of your foot-in-mouth stories? You know you’ve got one.

 SUAR

PS: Don’t forget my Whole Foods and iTunes gift card giveaway! Ends on Friday.