Confession: I love to eavesdrop. Do not even pretend you don’t. I like it for probably for the same reason I love reality TV. It is just mundane, stupid bullshit. I guess I want to know that other people’s lives are not more exciting than mine. Or, maybe I want to live vicariously. Or, maybe I am just BORED. I don’t know.
Just so you know, it is eavesdrop with a “v.” I always though it was “easedrop” or “eafsdrop” for so long. Kind of like I always thought it was “asterick” and not “asterisk.” Give me a break, I’ve only been alive 44 years. I can’t know everything.
Today I went to get a pedicure. I am showing you only the master kind big toe because no one wants to see the full ugly spread.
The colors are OPI (Bring on the Bling is the top sparkle color, but I can’t remember the name of the pumpkin color).
While getting my peddy, I was listening in on the conversation the two twenty-ish girls beside me were having, because this is what I do. I love overhearing what people say. I even read texts over people’s shoulders if I can.
These girls were talking about salt bath soaks and this new special one that is VEGAN. I’m thinking, seriously, a VEGAN bath soak? It’s not like I’m going to eat or drink the damn bath salts, so why do I care if it’s vegan? Was it gluten free too? I guess if you really don’t like to harm animals, then you would care. But to me, this was so BOULDER. What a luxury to be able to spend $20 extra on bath salts just so they are vegan. I’ll stick with Calgon.
Then they moved from vegan bath salts to the fact that one girl’s cat threw up on her bed this morning. The discussion elaborated on why cats throw up so much.
Girl 1: Oh my God, I think it must be hairballs!
Girl 2: Like, I don’t know. My cat is on a vegan diet, but he still throws up.
Girl 1: I mean, do you think it could be, like, all the mice he is eating?
Girl 2: Totally! Like, mice will mess up your GI system, especially if they are not vegan mice made out of tempeh or tofu. Then you are SCREWED!!
Okay, we’ll maybe I embellished the story about the throw up a bit, but they really were talking the science behind cats throwing up. Very deep.
This got me to thinking. Am I the only one who eavesdrops? And, why do I find it so fascinating? If you are an eavesdropper, I have a tip for you. The two prime places to listen in on someone’s conversation are:
- While camping, when people are in a tent.
- While in a dressing room at a store.
In both of these places, people have the mistaken illusion that no one can hear them. Yeah, like you can’t hear through tent material or through the open ceiling of a dressing room!! But you can get really good material this way. People even have loud sex and flatulence in tents. They just don’t get it. HELLO!! Tents are not not made of real soundproof walls!
I think my favorite and most recent eavesdropping story occurred at the dollar store about a month ago. I was in the toothpaste aisle, and these two old ladies were in the next aisle over with the medicines (probably members of the pussy posse). I am NOT making this up:
Lady 1: Oh, have you tried this stool softener? It really helps with hard B.M.s (You know it is old ladies because NO ONE and I mean NO ONE uses the term “BM” anymore. It’s so passé. NOT to be confused with BMS, which is something different altogether.)
Lady 2: Oh my. Well, what do you mean?
Lady 1: What I mean is that when your BMs get really hard, this medicine helps!
Lady 2: Oh, I understand because sometimes mine do come out like hard marbles! I should try this!
For a moment I actually thought that I was on candid camera and someone set up this little old lady conversation just for my benefit. Because I enjoyed it WAY too much.
Do you eavesdrop? What’s something juicy/mundane/funny you heard?
SUAR
