Tuesday, July 31, 2018

The Long Road Back from Injury: Frustrating as Hell!

I must have been high or something because when I was given the "go ahead" to run for 2 minutes at a time (2 minutes run/2 minutes walk for 16 minutes and build from there) back at the end of June I thought it would be a piece of cake. After all, the hamstring was healed and running is, like, what I DO! (of course in full disclosure I NEVER did 16 minutes. More like 56 minutes because I don't listen).

Major wake up call. When I ran, I felt as if I had never run before. My leg tired so easily and I honestly could barely even run the 2 minutes. I kept at it, running 4 to 5 miles a day, doing the run/walk thing.

I did that for WEEKS. Do you know how long it takes to run/walk 5 miles? I bet you do. People do it all the time. I am just not a patient person, however. So, averaging 12:30 miles was humbling as hell. And, it wasn't getting any better. I can actually have some patience if I see improvement. But after three weeks of being back to "running" nothing felt better. It might have even felt worse. Sure, I did the relay, but those miles were rough on me. I never got into a groove, I could hardly run for more than 4-5 minutes at a time before walking and my poor leg felt like a huge ham hock that I was dragging behind me.

Trails feel WAY better to me these days than road. I might look "okay" here, but I'm pretty
sure I was hyperventilating.

Fast forward to today and all of the complaining I'm doing to my PT (they must get SO sick of us). I'm a bit shy of three months out from the injury. I'm still struggling. Well, I say that but I can now average a 10:13 mile and that includes some walking. That is definitely progress, but is is really hard not to compare where I was pre-accident.  I am less concerned with pace than I am with how I feel. I'm not sure how/why I still feel so out of running shape. I've had some major drying needling the past few weeks and have done a gait analysis to make sure I'm not doing anything too wonky. I'm not.

So, here I am, just a girl trying to be patient and grateful that I can do anything at all. Blah blah blah.  I just wonder when I'll feel like my old self again. Running is hard enough as it is, but when one minute you are on top of your game and the next minute (literally) you are laying in the street and can't walk, it's discouraging.

And life goes on. I think if the rest of my life felt really in place, maybe all of this wouldn't bug me so much. But it doesn't. I lay awake in the middle of the night last night (as I do most nights between 2am and 3am), knowing that I cannot be the only person who is 51 years old and feels a bit lost. Kids are leaving the nest. My career has been successful but I'm just not sure it's what I want to do anymore - and if it's not what I want to do, what the hell DO I want to do? What the hell am I actually QUALIFIED to do if not what I do now?

I can't believe I'm sharing this; I have no shame. Ken took this of me the other night. Proof that I sleep
really HARD before I am wide awake from 2am to 3am

People tell you you can do and be whatever you want. Not really. You know I'm the first person to chase dreams and big goals, but at 51, there are some things that are a bit out of the question for me now (probably won't be a heart surgeon or the POTUS). Then I start to have regrets about career choices I've made and not made. I basically have made the choices I did because I wanted to be home with my kids. I'm proud of that. But, that meant a job where I could work from home. I've been good at it and the job has been really fulfilling, but I'm just entering a new phase I suppose.

Enough on all that. Just being real here. Then I go to hospice with Heidi today and get some much needed perspective. All of what I love and value is right here in front of me right now. But if I could run normal again, that would be great, yeah thanks.

Seriously. Wouldn't she comfort you? I can't even with this picture.

What's your job? Can you see yourself doing it for years to come?