Wednesday, March 21, 2018

13 Things I Never Said Before I Started Running

Running has changed me. I fart in public unabashedly. I can aim a snot rocket like no one's business. My thighs don't fit into my jeans. And, my idea of a fun Saturday morning is running for three hours in the wilderness. So, not surprisingly, there are many things I now say that I never would have said a few years ago before I was a runner. Here are a few: 

  1. "Did you remember to put lube on your nipples/balls/inner thighs?"

  2. "I can't wait to pay $100 to wake up at 3am and run 26.2 miles."

  3. "I guess if I pee myself I'll just rinse it off with water at the next aid station.

  4. "What do you mean your GPS says you ran 9.91 miles? Run until you hit 10 bitch!"

  5. "No I don't think $150 is too much to spend on (running) shoes.

  6. "I'm not leaving the house for a run until I poop."

  7. "Why bother with underwear? These shorts/tights have a lining."

  8. "Two of my toenails just fell off."

  9. "No, I'm not jogging, asshole"

  10. "I cannot get a fucking satellite."

  11. "I think it makes sense to run for 50 or 100 miles."

  12. "My tampon fell out at mile 12."

  13. "I don't care how nasty that porta potty is. It's better than shitting myself."