Thursday, September 21, 2017

Am I the "Mad Pooper"?

Thank you for your endless texts, messages and comments inquiring as to whether I was "that woman" running around Colorado Springs shitting on people's lawns.

I hate to tell you the answer is "no," although I am flattered.

Let's break this down. I can see why such an article would make you think of me.

1. She is a runner (so am I!)
2. She lives in Colorado (so do I!). But she lives about 2 hours south of where I do.
3. She takes craps outside (I have been known to do this, but I do have limits as to where and how this occurs. Read on).
4. She appears to be around my height. But I have blond hair, she does not (and I don't own any wigs). I also don't own a grey spandex running suit.

If I am understanding the article correctly, this anonymous "mad pooper" had "been defecating in front of houses for weeks." One victim in particular, the Budde family, states that she has been crapping in their yard for 7 weeks. SEVEN WEEKS. The family even resorted to putting a sign up asking her to stop - to no avail. They said she ran by it 15 times and still pooped.

In a bold statement made by Colorado Springs Sergeant Johnathan Sharketti, he states "It's abnormal, it's not something I've seen in my career. For someone to repeatedly do such a thing…it's uncharted territory for me."

Weird thing is - there are apparently plenty of public bathrooms nearby. 

Lest you think this story had just local coverage, think again. It has been covered by The Washington Post, the BBC, USA Today the Huffington Post and now the famous Shut Up and Run blog. Because certainly our country does not have bigger fish to fry (hello Rocket Man, Hurricane Maria that destroyed Puerto Rico and devastating earthquakes!) and has the luxury on focusing on a fecal mystery. Comic relief?

I'd very much like to discuss some curiosities/observations about this case. 

  • If someone was pooping in front of my house for seven weeks I would go back into my personal history to figure out who hates me. Who did I piss off in the second grade? What mom did I cut off in the drop zone at school? This has got to be intentional
  • The victimized family put up a sign asking her to stop crapping in front of their house. She ran by it 15 times. Who was counting? Why 15 times? It would take me weeks to run by the same sign 15 times. This seems odd.
  • The police sergeant has never seen anything like this in his career. Even though he has likely seen dead bodies, overdoses, drownings and every bodily fluid possible, this stands out to him as uncharted territory. Damn! I think it would be hard to shock a sergeant. WTG Mad Pooper!
  • It seems like the only explanation for this type of behavior is a severe medical condition or mental health issue. Because, who in their right mind and physical body would do this repeatedly? If you know running makes you poop in the same place every time you run, wouldn't you stop running or take a different route? How about the treadmill? 

Let me defend my own pooping for a minute. I, like many of you, have had emergencies while running. Sometimes I feel them coming and can prepare, other times I'm sweating and all I care about is finding a place to go NOW. That's meant that I've unfortunately gone under bridges, in a hollowed out tree, off of the trail and in a ditch. This isn't often, but it has happened. What I have NOT done is gone in someone's yard. Repeatedly. After they posted a sign asking me not too. In broad daylight. While there were other restroom options available.

Moral of the story:

Me          Mad Pooper (MP)

But, hey, MP - if you are reading - hit me up. I'd love to interview you. You could remain anonymous (probably a good idea).