Where Do You Buy Your Underwear?

You like how I listen to you guys? Check out the new layout. While some of you liked the old one, some thought it was hard to read. Hard to read my ass, you’re right! So, voila. Don’t say I never listen to you.

As you know I’m coming up on #2. Not in the bodily function sense, but in the marathon sense. My #2 is in three days. Thank God my next poop is not in three days.

What I've noticed is that the days leading up to a marathon find me doing things I would not normally do. Obsessively checking the weather, putting gels in my running skirt and running around the house to see how they feel tuck in there, eliminating fiber and dairy (yeah, if you think that’s overboard, you haven’t taken a run with me before – the urge to crap and the frequency with which this happens, sometimes in trees, is no joke. I’ll do anything to minimize the problem come race day). Another thing I do before marathons is go to the thrift store. Where else can you get layers of clothes to throw away on the sidelines of the race as you warm up? Usually I shop at Nordstrom for my throwaways, but given the recession, I’m scaling back.

I love me a good consignment store. To me, they are not thrift stores. I don’t know if there really is a difference, but in my pea brain the difference is enormous. The consignment store has designer clothes that are gently used. As in, minimal wear and tear, and only delicate farting has been done in these threads. The thrift store, however, is hard core. Anything goes. Corduroy from the 70s. Granny underwear. Sheets. Ewww – other' people's sheets. That’s just wrong.

I only go to the thrift store on two occasions: 1. to buy my underwear to shop for Halloween crap for my kids 2. prior to a race, especially one that will be freaking freezing at the start. There are very few things I hate worse than being cold.  One thing that’s worse is overflowing toilets in stranger’s homes. Another is putting diesel in my car by mistake. Other than that, being cold takes the cake.

Let me remind you that my race starts at almost 7,000 feet in the Colorado mountains. By my estimate it should be about 25*-30* at the start. And dark. With all that waiting around one has to do for the damn thing to start already, it will be chillier than that witches tit you saw on Halloween (in the thrift store).

Why is it when you walk into a thrift store the smell takes your breath away? What is that smell? Dirty feet plus Clorox plus mold? I can’t quite figure it out. Realistically it is the combined stench of thousands of unwashed pieces of clothing all in one place. Ick. But hot damn if you can’t find some great stuff! Whenever I get my throw away marathon clothes, I find myself getting attached to them and not wanting to throw them away after all. In fact, I bought Ken a black sweatshirt for his pre-race warmth. He took one look at it and said, “I might have to keep this! It’s nice.” No matter the fact he didn’t go to DU and has never held a hockey stick in his life. The thrift store lets you reinvent yourself!

As for me, I scored some great banana yellow lacrosse sweats and a killer zip up sweat shirt.

I feel like Jillian in these sweats since she always wears this style. Here is my best Jillian impression:

This is where I am yelling at someone for falling off the treadmill and puking. What the eff is your problem anyway? You think a little barf and tumble into the wall is going to slow you down? NOW GET BACK ON AND RAMP IT UP TO 12 MPH before I sit on your face!

I couldn’t stop there. I got the coolest Barbie blanket for Tara and me to cuddle under while we’re waiting for the gun. I hope she lets me get to second base:

Oh, and I couldn’t resist this $2.49 shirt (or especially short dress. I am going to Vegas at the end of the month after all. Some lace underwear and heels and I’ll be all set):

I’m going to end with a sweet little story. You know how I love it when people think of me when they poop/fart, etc? It’s so sweet. Well, this week I was honored in the most delicious of ways. Bootchez from Back of the Pack let me know she dedicated her marathon this past weekend to me. Why did she do this, you ask? Because she took two shits before even starting the race and two more while racing. Not in her pants mind you, but still.  While she acted kind of surprised that she had this much turd honking for the right of way, I think I know the culprit. Her pre-race words said it all:

“We rolled out of bed at 4:30 am, and I tucked into my planned breakfast.  Traditionally this has been a Egg McMuffin from McDonald's, but I figured a little similar pre-made thing from 7-11 would also fit the bill.  I have tried this in the past on a long training run, and it seemed to set right in my stomach and logistically was easier to obtain (since 7-11 is right down the street).  In any case, egg-muffin-and-a-coke and I was ready to go.”

Oh, Bootchez! You are one brave girl. Hats off!

And always remember what the wise say: “Man who fart in church sit in own pew.”

Q & A Time

I don’t get tons of questions from bloggers. Probably because I’m no expert on anything, and everyone knows it.  But, occasionally I get a query and I don’t want to leave you hanging. So, read on:

Apple Crumbles asked, “The day after a long run, say 18 - 22 miles or even a marathon, do you feel depressed or cranky? I'm trying to figure out if I refueled correctly or if it's simply over stressing.”

Hello my Apple Crumble friend! What are apple crumbles anyway? Reminds me of cobbler or streusel…hmmm…streusel.  But, I digress. Yes, I get a bit out of whack the day after a long run or a race. Mostly it’s because I’m usually taking the day off and don’t know what to do with myself if I’m not running and getting that adrenaline fix. However, sometimes, I’m just glad to have the freaking day off!

Certainly after a race, especially a marathon, there is that mental letdown of knowing what you have worked for over the past months has come and gone. My advice, be kind to yourself and don’t spend too much time dwelling on if/why you’re in the mood you’re in. Just re-focus and put your energies elsewhere. Like making something with apples that crumbles and sending it to me.

FitMacDaddy proclaimed, “Man, I would not be a runner if I had your intestines! I can't even poop in someone else's house, let alone on the side of the road. I've been known to hold in my poops for entire camping trips!”

Then he wanted to know, “What is your marathon goal now that you're such a speedster?”

Wow, Mac Daddy. My hope for you is that you never go on a two week camping trip. And not pooping in people’s houses? That’s hard core. I think I’ve stopped-up every toilet of every friend and acquaintance I’ve ever had. Then there was one time at that frat party, but I won’t go into that.

As far as my marathon goal – did you just call me a speedster? I think I love you. Seriously. My goal is a very original one. I don’t think any other blogger has ever mentioned it: to BQ. But in reality, I like to have several goals when racing. I’d take any of these end results, but would prefer #3:

1. Beat 4:03, the time of my first marathon
2. Break 4 hours
3. BQ by coming in under 3:50:59. I have been training to run a 3:45 marathon, but we all know just because you train for a certain time doesn't mean you get that time. A girl can hope and dream, can’t she?
4. Win the race by running a 2:12 marathon. Totally doable.

Jennifer (URL not available) queried, “You may have answered this question before but do you carry TP with you on all your runs? The pooping doesn't concern me as much as the wiping. If you do have TP with you what do you do with it?”

Excellent question. No, I do not carry TP and I’ll tell you why. The roll does not fit in my fuel belt. Really, I don’t carry it because the whole thing is gross and inappropriate and yucky with or without the TP. If I use TP then I have to stay in the shit position longer, find a way to dispose of the TP (I am NOT carrying it home along side of my cell phone), and be aware of how much I am NOT washing my hands after wiping. And if I want to wash my hands after wiping that means I need to bring some antibacterial soap and it just never ends. Kind of like that book, “If You Give a Mouse a Pancake” and how he’s going to want syrup and a plate and a napkin to go with it. Live simply.

LMC stated, “I absolutely love the new background on your blog. Is it the Colorado River?”

I have no clue what it is. I would like to lie and say that yes, in fact, it is the Colorado River and I took this picture while I kayaked down thus river right after running a marathon. But truth be told, I got this off of the new blogger/draft site. If you haven’t visited this site and you’re with Blogger, give it a try. It will improve the aesthetics of your blog and we will all thank you for it.

Steve Q. questioned, “Can glow sticks be used as tampons?”

Fantastic question, Steve. I have never used a glow stick as a tampon, and I’m guessing it’s not advisable. I know things get dark in there, but do we really need to make it glow?

Kim exclaimed, “I did 18 miles this morning and thought of you. I was jogging along, working out the morning farts when all of a sudden - RED ALERT - it was not just a fart. Got it clamped in time but had to find a bathroom fast - luckily the assisted living place nearby was open. Thanks, old people!”

She then asked, “Aren't you glad I think of you when I have to crap in the middle of a run?”

I am wiping tears from my keyboard right now because of how touched I am. When people crap and they do so in my name or at the very least think of me during the act, it is incredibly flattering. BTW, going poop in an assisted living place is genius. You could do it on the seat or even in your pants and it would be par for the course. You could also steal a couple of Depends on your way out.

Apple C. wanted to know, “What are the Hammer / Heed products? Can you offer a link? I have a whole box of GU but I can't stand the stuff.”

So, my crumble friend, have you made my dessert yet?

The Hammer/Heed products are all the rage, especially for those of us plagued by GI issues when we run.  Their claim to fame is that the gel and sport’s drink products are full of ingredients that are easier to digest than most sport’s stuff out there. You can read to your heart’s content HERE, but basically you get a tasty and affordable product with the essential carbs (23 g.) and electrolytes, but it’s gentler on the tummy. Only 2 g. of sugar. The sport’s drink, HEED, is less sweet than most drinks because Hammer uses Xylitol - “a natural substance that can be found in a variety of fibrous fruits and vegetables.” Check it out. I ordered 32 serving powder for about $20. And Ms. Apple, they have an apple spice gel that is yummy. Without crumbles.

Sarah admitted, “I actually had potty issues on my long run today and I thought of you....is that strange??”

No, Sarah, not strange at all. Many people think of me when they have “potty issues.” I’m pretty sure Obama takes dumps with me on his mind.

Meg noted, “Super run and hey, YOU QUOTED Buddha on my blog! You never cease to amaze me with your depth and breadth....from poop to the very spiritual. You didn't make that quote up, did you? Just wonderin'.”

Meg! Do you realize you just gave me credit for creating something said by Buddha! No, I didn’t make up that quote. It came right from the big bellied God himself.  He who thinks I write like Buddha will have the kingdom of heaven at their fingertips.

Any other questions or queries? Any add-ons to my answers? Go for it.

Greece vs.Grease

So I promised a review on Oikos Greek yogurt. Stoneyfield Farms was kind enough to send me coupons for several free samples.

I went with the vanilla flavor. The thing I love about Oikos, is that unlike most yogurts, it has little sugar in the flavored selections. Some vanilla yogurts are ridiculous with many many grams of sugar per serving. Kind of defeats the purpose of eating yogurt, don'tcha think?

Let me start by saying I'm not a big fan of yogurt. Not a big fan of any dairy foods except major 1/2 'n 1/2 in my coffee and cheese on anything.

Also let me start by saying, I was lucky enough to live in Greece for four years from the ages of 12 to 16 years old. There was one summer, I believe it was when I was sixteen, that I took several trips to the island of Mykonos. Breakfast everyday for me was a cup of plain Greek yogurt drizzled with island honey and topped with fresh cantaloupe, honeydew and berries. It was a heavenly and divine mixture that I will never forget.

In fact, Greece was a time I will never forget. I mean, who gets to do this? My dad, who worked a very humdrum job for the Social Security Administration in Baltimore, MD, came home one day and asked if we wanted to go to Greece. My response, being twelve and very into my own little world, was to say "No, that's okay, I already saw it." You may remember the movie came out in 1978.

So we, a family of four who had never traveled further than Cincinnati, OH were plopped down in the middle of Athens to fend for ourselves. Well not totally. My dad worked for the American Embassy, so we were given a house in the hills outside of Athens, and my brother and I attended the American Community School. Four years is a long time, so it's impossible to reconstruct the experience totally, but some of the clearest memories are: travel and more travel, meeting some of the best friends of my life, learning to speak Greek, experiencing forest fires and earthquakes, watching my dogs be poisoned to death, going on a "pilgrimage" to Jerusalem and the nude beaches on the islands. Despite these things, day to day life was probably pretty similar to day to day life in the US for a teenager: homework, social angst, after school activities. We had a small black and white TV, and the only shows on in English were "Fame" and "Little House on the Prairie," (which the Greeks called "Little Hut in the Valley.")

But back to the yogurt. As I said before, I liked that this yogurt was not overly sweet. It can best be described as tangy. The thing that stood out the most was the consistency. This has got to be the creamiest yogurt on the planet. If you don't know, Greek yogurt is different and special because it is strained so that all water is removed. This leaves the yogurt extremely thick and seemingly decadent. Stoneyfield Farms can use nonfat milk and by using the straining system, can get a yogurt that is so thick and creamy that you think you are eating something incredibly fattening. It is an art!! For me, the consistency was similar to sour cream. Overall, very good and very authentic. A great healthy option with lots of protein.

I am headed to yoga today to work out some of the kinks from my race on Sunday. My muscles are still pretty stiff and sore. It took quite a bit out of me. I did find out I came in 6th out of 50 in my age group so I was psyched about that!