Not a Dumb as Sh!t Athlete (DASA)

Today’s workout involved 3 miles on the treadmill at a 3% incline, then an hour of yoga. I then headed down  to see Matt Schaub at Handled with Care Massage for my second active release session. I told him I am gumby, I am running pain free, I am invincible. No, no. I am not those things. Once I start thinking I am those things, that is when I get injured. Bad SUAR. DASA SUAR (Dumb As Shit Athlete).

My body is not perfect (unless you like small boobs and a flat ass), there is still some discomfort and achiness, but I am encouraged because the pain is much less. I am beginning to feel “normal”again when I run.  This is a huge improvement. So, if you’re dealing with an injury and are in the Denver area - run (if you can) to see Matt. You won’t be disappointed.

Look! This doesn’t hurt. Is that gum on the bottom of my slipper?

The Las Vegas Rock ‘n Roll Marathon and Half Marathon is only 19  days away, but who is counting? This won’t be my best showing in terms of race times, I can promise you that, but I it will be my funnest. And, yes, funnest is a word and so is funner, so get off my back. I know I’ll be in good company with Jason, EMZ, Aron, Sarah, Jess, Marjorie, Janae and lots of others. The great thing about having a blog where you tell all your secrets is that when you meet new people, they already know everything. Nice breaking the ice. Basically it goes likes this:

Me: Hi! Nice to meet you! (explosive fart)

Them: Hey! You are just like you are on the blog! (waving hand in front of face, backing away)

Another cool thing about Vegas is that I will be spokesperson for the Refuel with Chocolate Milk/Got Milk? campaign. This basically means getting the word out throughout the weekend about the benefits of low fat chocolate milk after a tough workout. Want to know more? Click HERE.

I’ve been with Team Refuel for a few months now and they’ve supported me in doing several races and have given me many other cool opportunities.  For me, working with Team Refuel is a no brainer. I’ve long been a fan of chocolate milk as a recovery tool, so to pair up with these guys is a match well made. You can find them on Facebook HERE.

At the Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half Marathon

Other Refuel friends: Hugh Williams (@Runner Bloke), Running Yogini, and me.

Are you a chocolate milk fan after a tough workout? (There is a lactate-free version, you know). Around here we buy it by the gallon. I love the stuff. But I don’t drink it unless my workouts are greater than an hour and have been fairly strenuous.

Who will go from the Biggest Loser tonight? Please let it be Bonnie. Please let it be Bonnie.

SUAR

Scratch ‘n Sniff

97% of the time I hate my race photos. Or, I think they’re really funny. I always look considerably dorkier than I feel. I’m just glad the photos aren’t scratch and sniff because…oh, lordy. Just because.

These are from my half marathon last weekend.

I like this picture because I am winning the race:

This picture reminds me that I should be running shirtless like the cool kids. Or, at the very least, be shielding myself from people who are running shirtless beside me and exuding buckets of sweat. I should have tweaked his nipple. Or least pulled out a chest hair with my teeth.

Oh, I’m sorry. Am I boring you? Or maybe you’re worried you won't beat the cheetah. Grrrwlll.

This picture proves that if only I was four seconds faster I would be beating the guy in the headband. For some reason, this makes me think of Bacon.

This is the start of the race and clearly I am distracted. What? Who farted? Nope, wasn’t me. Nope. Nope. It must have been that guy to my left wearing his race day t-shirt. Who does that? I do like the shirt the girl has on behind me though.

Stupid headband guy. Doesn't even look like he’s wearing pants. He should be disqualified.

This reminds me. The other day I got an email from my friend Clair aka Queen La Queefa. This was the subject line: “I love my hair and my face.” I opened the attachment to see this – Clair running a 10K:

Clair’s words: “I wish they’d stop trying to sell me this shit.”

I think the photographer captured perfectly the moment when Clair hated running.

Do you ever buy your race photos? Me? Never. Except my first marathon because you have to no matter how dorky you look.

Do you ever stalk people by looking at their race photos? Yes. I have done this once or twice. Or 90 times.

SUAR

Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half Marathon Race Report

Grab your coffee and settle in for the good, the bad and the ugly…

The day started out in the most unspectacular of ways. I am so type-A that I set my alarm for 4:10 a.m., recheck it 20 times, then end up waking up at 3:00 a.m. Overachievers don’t need alarm clocks, is what I’ve decided. I could not poop before leaving home, because in the SUAR world, morning dumps arrive at 6:30 a.m., not 4:30 a.m.

Joie picked me up at 4:45 a.m. and we hauled ass to the start line, a 90 minute drive. This race is a point to point course, so you are supposed to park at the finish and take school busses to the start. I did that two years ago and learned my lesson. With that plan, you end up sitting in the cold for 90 minutes at 9,000 feet waiting for the race to start. I was so cold, I went into the gross porta potty to warm my hands over the steaminess coming from the deep dark hole. That is desperation. So, now we park at the start and have a second car at the finish. Genius.

We stopped at McDonald’s so I could poop. Perfect. I knew McDonald’s was good for something other than Oreo McFlurries and lard.

We sat with the heat on, cranking up our seat warmers. I farted a lot, which on a seat warmer is especially luxurious. Joie was not a fan.

The sun started coming up, it was time to race!

Home-made throwaway arm warmers are the bomb!

For the first two miles I ran with Marshall Ulrich, famed ultra runner and author of the recent “Running on Empty” book (see my review HERE). Marshall told me he was going to Nepal for some trekking and then to South America (I think?) to climb 20,000 foot volcanoes. I told him I might watch Bachelor Pad and eat microwave popcorn. He seemed impressed.

The miles flew by (8:04, 7:55, 7:49…). My goal for this race was “no goal.” I had no clue how I would feel after my half ironman six days before, so I decided to see how my legs felt and go based on that. The air was cool, my legs were strong, so I paced accordingly. I exerted myself, but kept some in the tank. I walked through every aid station, took a strawberry Clif Shot at the halfway mark and made the 10K mat by 51 minutes.

This is about the time where I realized gravity had taken its course. Not to get graphic, but my “down there” region got damp. I won’t go into detail about a “time of the month” surprise or other things, but suffice it to say, NASTY business. This was a distraction, but I was already at mile 8 and figured I could deal with it for the next five miles.

I came into the finish and saw my family while Sam snapped this photo. Still smiling despite the “dampness.”

I finished in 1:46:33 (8:05 avg), which is a PR for me by about a minute. I was 15/215 in my division, so can’t complain about that.

I tried to clean up in the porta potty best I could, but that was futile. That’s when the pain set in and I realized I had CHAFED TO HIGH HOLY HELL (bikini line area). In my three years of running, I’ve never chafed. Honestly, I didn’t know what the big deal was. Now, I get it. I am starting a support group called, “Race Chafers” where we can all share our war stories.

On a side not, the chafing was not the skirt’s fault. I wore this skirt for a full marathon and many other training runs with no issues.

I found Hugh and Angela (Running Yogini) from Team Refuel (Refuel with Chocolate Milk) and we took some photos.

Refuel was a sponsor of this race and a sponsor of me running the race. They did a great job giving out chocolate milk right as you crossed the finish line and providing milkshakes for milk mustache photo-ops! Hoping to see them at lots of future races.

Got some more pictures with Joie.  I like her shirt:

By this time it was hot and I was getting REALLY uncomfortable. I hobbled to the car and knew I had to get my cheetah skirt off ASAP because it was rubbing in all the wrong places. I did not have a spare pair of shorts and I was desperate. I did the only thing I could do: stripped down and wore my race t-shirt like shorts.

Bake side view “2011 Finisher.”

It was not pretty, especially with the neck hole hanging down (good ventilation), but I did it. Normally, this would have been VERY funny, but I hurt too bad to even care. Later when I went into Starbucks wearing this (yes, I did. I am serious about my coffee) I was given looks like I’ve never been given in my 44 years on this earth.

The ride home was long and torturous for me. I am not being dramatic. This shit hurt. And, I knew it would hurt much, much worse when I got in the shower.

I tried to distract myself by noticing how pathetic my huge second toe looked. This “Mortons” toe takes the brunt of my running. The toenail is long gone and the toe tip is one big blister. I try to put polish on it just to spice it up, but it’s no use. I can, however, flip people off with it when they cut me off in traffic:

First thing I did at home was get in the shower. The water alone (no soap) brought on such intense stinging that all I could do was cry like a baby. It was like 100 bee stings all at once. Fortunately once I put on some Aquaphor, all was well.

Running is so damn humbling. Injuries, chafing, cramping, pooping. All I can say is, we must love it a lot if we all keep doing it. Despite it all, I would still say this was a GREAT day!

SUAR

Please Pass the Vaseline

Spectacular day for a half marathon in the Rockies!

1:46. A new PR for me! Must be the cheetah skirt.

All of the details including insane chafing. big toe trauma and crying in the shower to come soon in my full race report.

Now it’s time to let the cheetah rest.

SUAR

What’s Next?

I know I posted this pic on my Shut Up and Run Facebook Page, but had to post it here too because I am just that full of myself. The smile on my face shows how I felt throughout the race with the exception of when I thought my colon would explode. I’m in my bliss right here:

Photo courtesy of my friend Jennifer – www.artemisphotography.com

You guys crack me up. I barely had time to wipe the sweat off my brow and rinse my undies after the 70.3 race when you all asked, “What is next?” and “Are you going to do a full Ironman?”. Of course these are questions I’ve already asked myself! Do you all read minds for a living?

We age group athletes are an inspired and over-achieving bunch. It’s all about that next goal, the next race, the next PR. Don’t get me wrong: it doesn’t mean that we are out rightly killing ourselves all the time (don’t be a Dumb as Shit Athlete – DASA), but it does mean we always have – tucked back in the recesses of our brains – what our next attempt is going to be.

I’m going to avoid the “full Ironman” question for now, but I will fill you in on my next race. I have a half marathon on Saturday – the Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half. I usually wouldn’t race back to back weekends, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity.

A couple of weeks ago, I became a member of Team Refuel, associated with Refuel with Chocolate Milk. I’ve long been drinking chocolate milk as a recovery drink (perfect when you need quick protein, but your stomach doesn’t want solid food), so when I met these guys at the Health and Fitness Bloggers Conference, it was a match made in heaven. They invited me to race this weekend as part of Team Refuel, along with Running Yogini.

This is from their website:

The cool thing about Team Refuel is they are looking for more team members. They are giving out grants to individuals ($250) and groups ($500) to help pay for race entry fees, etc. You will also receive training gear. Interested? Apply HERE and join the team!

Anyone else racing this weekend? This will be my third year doing this race. I am really not gunning for a PR, just out there to enjoy the amazing scenery (it starts in the mountains at about 9,000 feet) and to be with friends.

2009

I like to run like I’m about punch someone in the face.

What’s your favorite recovery drink/food? Mine is obviously chocolate milk, but I always crave eggs. This is sometimes not pretty if you know what I mean.

SUAR

Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half Marathon Race Report

Getting out of the house on race morning is never easy, especially if it involves a 4:30 a.m. wakeup call. My body is simply not meant to function at that hour. Forget eating. Forget crapping. Ain’t gonna happen until my normal wake up time of about 6:30 a.m.

We hit the road at 5:00 a.m. for the two hour drive up to Georgetown, CO. Not an hour into the drive I feel the urge. We pull over at Loaf ‘n Jug. I’m sure you know why they call it that – duh -for all the people like me who stop there, don’t buy anything and pinch off a loaf. The jug part? I do have jugs, although it would be more fair to call them 5 oz bottles.

We made it to the start with time to spare. It was 45 degrees. Summertime in the Colorado mountains. Did the pre-run ritual of waiting in the porta potty line. Seemed every single person in front of me was in there at least 10 minutes. Since it doesn’t take that long to pee, I could only guess what was going on in there. The smell confirmed it.

Then we sat in the car watching people warm up. One of my favorite past times. My pre-race warm up, if anything, involves a 50 yard jog to get the nerves out. Other people, however, are more serious than I. They do push ups and jumping  jacks, they sprint, they even do this:

I’m pretty sure that this guy kicked my ass in the race, so maybe I should be doing this from now on before all my races. I am going to study his form.

I, however, preferred to sit in the warm car eating my cinnamon toast. I will say that I was sort of dreading the race. I wasn’t feeling the greatest (time of the month) and my piriform-ASS had really been bugging me lately. While this butt pain hasn’t kept me from running and doesn't jack with my pace or gait, it’s still no fun running with any kind of discomfort. In the back of my mind, I felt worried that by racing I would be jeopardizing my run with Dean Karnazes next weekend. I told myself that I could use the race as a training run, but my personality won’t let me do this. If I show up at a race I am going balls out, regardless.

I had to pee again, but no way was I going back to those smelly potties. I had Ken hold up a blanket by his truck and I squatted, giving many folks a gander at blinding white cheeks . Nice work.

I was feeling nerves - those moments right before the gun when you know the next couple of hours will hold a certain amount of exertion and pain. You know  you will want to stop, but you know you won’t. You might feel sick, you might feel elated, you might get discouraged. Chances are all of these things will occur at different points in the race.

They played the National Anthem and this got me into a more centered pace. The gun went off at 8:00 a.m. sharp.

The first two miles are through the small town of Georgetown, Colorado (elevation: 8,530, population: 2,000). This was the largest year ever for this race – 3,000 people in all – which made for some congested running through the narrow and pitted streets of this old mining town. Some woman inadvertently elbowed me hard in the left boob (or should I say 5 oz bottle?). Ouch, dammit.

Mile 1: 8:26

Mile 2: 8:13

We headed east out of town on a newly paved back road. I still wasn’t feeling it, but kept up the pace. With a cool breeze rustling the Aspen trees and cloudless bright blue skies, the day could not have been more perfect. Now if I could only turn around my attitude.

Mile 3: 7:55

Mile 4: 7:48

Mile 5: 8:15

Mile 6: 7:46 (fastest of the race)

At mile 6 I pulled my gel out of my pocket and my fingers grazed the good luck charm Emma had made for me the day before. I smiled big.

My ass was really starting to hurt. I even contemplated stopping not because I couldn’t go any further, but because I didn’t want to do more damage. I told myself to press on to mile 7 and see how I felt. I slowed a bit and the pain calmed down, or maybe i just got used to it. I stopped to stretch at the next two aid stations. I knew I probably wouldn't beat my half marathon PR that I made on this course last year.

Mile 7: 8:06

Mile 8: 8:10

Mile 9: 8:15

Mile 11: 8:08

I was mentally really done. I’m not sure why this race felt so hard. Maybe the elevation or maybe my head was just messing with me. I told myself to hold back until mile 12, then kick it in a bit to the finish.

Mile 12: 8:44

Mile 13: 8:26

Mile .1: 8:00

The official race results aren't posted yet, but my Garmin says my final chip time was 1:47:36 (8:10 average). This is actually a new PR for me!! 21 seconds off my time of last year! Quite a shocker given how slow I felt I was going and those stretch breaks I took at miles 8 & 10.

Ken and I meandered around the post race activities. I rolled my butt on a cold bottle of water. It helped. This is probably the first race I’ve ever run where my stomach didn’t revolt at the end. I felt great. No cramping, no nausea. I could actually eat and took in a strawberry cream Myoplex shake for protein.

We met up with blogger friends Shana, Marcia, Tara and Jill. Really fun to see these guys and to finally meet Shanna and and Marcia in person. Catching up with other bloggers is great because there is no small talk. You just get right into subjects of erections and crapping right off the bat. Kind of like old friends. Here we are – Ken, me, Tara, Marcia & Shana.

A couple of pictures when we got back to the car. Told you it was a nice day:

 

Overall a good day. Time with Ken. A PR. Peeing on the ground. Clean shorts. Meeting new friends. Can’t complain.

Giveaway Winners and A Typical Day

The winners of the Salonpas Giveaway are:

1. Tokyo Racer
2. Kathrin at Apple Strudel and Peach Cobbler
3. Lindsey at 70.3 or Bust
4. Tara at Colorado Runner
5. Allie at That Girl’s a Running Fool
6. Running Mom
7. Trish at Options for your Life
8. Angela at She Runs
9. Steve Q at Run.Race.Repeat (did you really want to win? I know it’s not Vicodin)
10. Zaneta at Runner’s Luck
11. Runner’s Fuel
12. Bobbie at Journey in Running

Email me your addresses so I can get your gift pack out to you. And congrats!

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Now for some fun. Things have been a bit too intense around here. So…

A typical day at my house. Don’t even try to zoom in between the bubbles. Nothing to see here:

A typical conversation at my house. This one took place yesterday:

Sam: Mom, this might be a weird question, but do girls have boob deodorant?

Me: What do you mean? Like, where would girls put it?

Sam: You know, under the over hang.

Overhang? If only I could be lucky enough to have overhang. And who but a 12 year old boy could come up with the term “overhang”? I told him I didn’t know, but I think there’s some kind of powder available or something. Good stocking stuffer.

Here’s a question. If you were to make a boob deodorant, what would you call it? Mine would be Rack Guard. Hahahah. I make myself laugh.      

Tomorrow’s little half marathon in the mountains really snuck up on me. This race is a gorgeous one and I loved it last year (I actually just re-read my race report from last time. Made me laugh). The only drag was waiting at the start in 40 degree temps. I know for you people sweltering in humidity this sounds like nirvana, but it was so cold I actually enjoyed the warmth on the toilet seat from the person before me in the porta potty. Wish me luck!

Start line of the race (source)

Wet T-Shirt Contest

The training schedule dictated 12 miles this morning, so that’s what I did. I do what I’m told.

It’s a great day to run in the Rocky Mountains! One of my favorite long runs is an out and back that heads west towards the foothills. It is up hill the whole way out with an elevation gain of about 500 feet. Not the steepest, but a good workout none the less.

This is a view from my house this morning since I didn’t have my camera on the run. That distant mountain is Longs Peak, one of Colorado’s 14,000 foot mountains. It’s only without snow in late July and August. Told you it was a good day to run around here.

 

I have to add this one too taken on a hike last week. Just ‘cause it’s so gorgeous!

At my start time of 7:00 a.m. it was cool and sunny. Perfect running weather. I clogged the toilet before I left, but still had to visit the weeds on the way out. Thank God for country roads that are sparsely travelled. At the six mile turn around I refueled with some strawberry GU chomps, stuck in the iPod (on long runs I usually only use it for the second half) and started for home. Being slightly downhill, the way back is so much easier and I always feel like I’m flying.

At 9.5 miles I stopped at the country store with the bathroom tip jar (I’ve left many a tip for many a load left there. Surely not enough to cover Lysol or plunger costs) and got some more water. I cruised home for a final time of 1:46. Average pace 8:53. Total miles for the week: 29.5.

Ken was on the porch reading the paper. I walked out and he informed me how see-through my running tank was. It’s white and I’ve never thought it was see-through before. Then again, by the end of the run it was soaked with sweat and we all know what happens to white stuff when it gets wet. Ever been to a t-shirt contest? Don’t go zooming in to see the evidence:

Could be worse. It’s not like it was this or anything. Man her daughter is giving her the stink eye, as if to say, “Seriously mom? You’re going out in public like that? Just cause you’re famous doesn’t give you the right to be ridiculous”.

I wore the booty shorts today:

I think this is possibly the most flattering picture ever taken of me. Except for this one when my face blew up due to some  reaction to some unknown allergen:

Fortunate for me I have really good friends who doctor pictures to add insult to injury:

Ken and I just signed up for the Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half Marathon on August 14th. Who’s in?

Tomorrow is blast off for our family RV trip. Pray for me.

Don’t forget my Scape Sunscreen Giveaway!