One Ginormous Chopping Block

Last night I was going to read Tolstoy or teach myself hieroglyphics, but to show how well rounded I am, I watched The Bachelor instead. Yes, I did. And, I learned a lot.

Girls on this show are stupid, especially when they drink

If you bring your grandmother who is on crutches, you will get a rose

If you ride in on a horse, you will get a rose

If you act like a raging insecure lunatic, you will get a rose

The show reminded me how many terms and phrases are completely overused. Here is my list of my pet peeve phrases/words (in general, not just from the show):

• At the end of the day
• Game on
• I’m on the chopping block
• Done and done
• It is what it is
• Whatever
• Amazing!
• Literally
• Think outside of the box
• I was all, like…
• Just my two cents
• My bad
• Ginormous
• Shut up and run (how did that get in there?)

Funny thing is, I have used every one of these at some point. Probably more than once. At the end of the day, I just have to give my ginormous two cents. Whatever.

Tonight the cadillac of all reality shows returns, The Biggest Loser. Expect lots of “Game ons!” and chopping block references Apparently pairs are split up, so crying will not be in…sob…short supply. I’m just glad Bonnie isn’t on board or it would be one long term weeping fest.

Bob and Dolvett are the only trainers, so there will be no perky breasts and/or camel toes to gawk over (unless you count those on the guys weighing in). I plan on sending the producers some XS compression tights for Dolvett. My little post-Christmas gift.

Did you know that lovebirds Jess and Ramone are now trainers at the Biggest Loser Resort? If you want, you can enter a contest to stay at the Malibu haven for four weeks. No caffeine, no alcohol, lots of sweating and moving . Sounds like a convent on steroids. Plus, you’ll get to watch Ramone fawn over Jess while she acts like she doesn’t care. Details HERE.

What’s your most hated phrase?

Will you tune in for TBL this season or have you had enough?

Favorite reality show? Or are you too cool for that sort of thing? Mine is TBL. Closely followed by Toddlers and Tiaras (JK)

SUAR

Last Remnants of Vegas, I Promise

I loved my finish line video from the race. I loved it because I leapt (literally) over the finish line at :10 seconds into the video and did not even notice the girl puking beside me! (Girl in white shirt at :07. Poor thing!). I’m glad me and my vomit phobia did not notice. It’s called emetophobia in case you were wondering. Check it out HERE (be sure you are looking at the finish line video because there are two).

Most of all, I liked this picture of me. I think it’s good form to run with your arms spread wide so you can take up as much room as possible on a crowded course.

If you by chance thought I was kidding or exaggerating about the crowds in Vegas, eat your heart out – these are post-race conditions in the hotel. Or maybe all these people are waiting to grab coffee at Starbucks (photos stolen from Skinny Runner’s blog).

I am glad there was not a fire. There would not have been any room to stop, drop and roll like I learned in third grade.

I will end with Biggest Loser impressions (spoiler alert):

• I completely disagree with Antone. It is NOT possible to get a good workout in with your entire family at the gym.
• I’m with Dolvett (of course). John is going to have a harsh adjustment to “real” life once this is all over and he’s back to work. Not sure why his wife is doing everything for him.
• Courtney really held her own at the marathon. I was impressed.
• Jess kept up. Those stomach cramps slowed her down, however. I’m pretty sure she had an accident, SUAR style.
• What the hell with that wind storm? That would have been enough for me to get into a fetal position on the course.
• If Bonnie didn’t drop out, she would have won the whole thing. Blubbering, crying.
• I hate how Dr. H walked backwards while talking to the contestants at they ran. He should have run beside them. It was awkward.
• I can’t believe they pulled that dude out of the marathon at mile 21. I know there were medical issues (bone on bone or whatever), but he’s made it this far, let him finish even if it means crawling.
• OMG just shoot me if I have have to run that course through the mud caked desert. AWFUL!
• Got to give it to Ramon. But, still don’t see him and Jess together. Just my two cents.
• I think John’s going to win this whole thing.

Any impressions from TBL? Were you surprised Ramon won? Who will be picking confetti out of their hair?

Do you freak out in crowds or are you able to roll with it? I don’t like crowds, but I keep pretty calm unless I need the bathroom or someone is pushing me. Then I get feisty.

SUAR

Spread Eagle Tuesday

I had this great little fart post ready to go last night, but decided to take it down. Wasn’t sure if enough people are like me and want to indulge in lengthy reading about gas. I will say that I learned a ton from the article, What Makes a Fart? Like the fact that a mom hands down the fart smell to her kids through her bacteria during delivery. To my kids I say: You are welcome!

Go read it. You will seriously die laughing and will actually learn quite a bit (Why does coffee cause farting? Do people really have body parts reconstructed to change the noises their farts make?). It is rather graphic, however. I always wonder what motivates people to go into the field of proctology. Guess I will have to ask Dr. Jelly Fingers himself.

Lately I have gotten into the habit of spending quite a bit of time at the gym on Tuesdays. Tuesday is yoga day with Andrea at 9:15. I’ve been going early and getting in a challenging treadmill run (3-4% incline for a few miles will kick your ass unless you are much tougher than I am). I then do some strength work. As much as I want my adductors (inner thighs) to get stronger (generally this area is weak on runners, but helps stabilize your body and helps with alignment when you run – thanks, Matt), the adductor weight machine freaks me out.

This is not me

The fact is, I am not a prude, but this spread eagle thing is a bit much. I now realize why they put this particular machine in the back of the gym, facing a wall. It would be really creepy if they put the water fountain right in front of the machine and all the pervs could come over and “get water” while stealing a look at your “repetitions.” Honestly, weight machines in general freak me out a bit. Mostly because I’ve never really use them. If I do weight training, I usually use my body as the resistance (lunges, etc). Yet, the weight machine has its time and place. Just not with a lot of people watching.

Another thing I noticed on gym-Tuesdays is that there are millions of people who go to the gym to just wander around. It’s weird. My biggest pet peeve, though, is when people talk on the phone while working out. One day I had a woman get on the elliptical right beside me (even though there were others available) and scream into her phone the whole time. I wanted to pinch her head off. I egged her car instead.

Speaking of gyms, I have some Biggest Loser impressions from last night (spoiler alert):

• The food eating challenge was gross. You know that food had to have been cold and congealed. Plus, the thought of eating an entire bowl of cranberry sauce makes me gag. I honestly think I would have won that challenge because I would have gone for the cornbread first given the fact it might have been one of the lower calorie items.
• Dolvett sweats a lot during the weigh-ins. I would like to see him on the adductor machine. Naked.
• Even though Ramon returned to his beloved, Jess, for a skydive jump I could just tell by her body language she’s not into him. I might be wrong, this is just a hunch. Not like Jess and I text and go to Subway all the time together or anything.
• Ramon looks much better with short hair. But, about that argyle vest…
• John had it out for Sunny. I get why he gave her the pound disadvantage, but not sure why he also crushed her at the vote.
• Dolvett looks good in red. Dolvett looks good in flannel. Dolvett looks good in _________. The answer is: anything!
• You can tell Anna has checked out. You don’t hear much from her anymore. Except, “You can do eeeet!”
• Bob almost cried when talking about his sister. This was quite touching and heartfelt.
• I cannot wait for makeover week! But, what I really cannot wait for is the MARATHON!! I wish more of you lived closer, we could have a party on marathon night and place bets on who would win. Heck, I think I’ll do that anyway. I love to gamble.

Do you use the weight machines at the gym? No. Only sporadically.

What are your pet peeves at the gym? Mine is people who use their phones. And, yes, that is allowed at my gym. I also hate it when people use the adductor machine naked.

Who do you think will win the marathon on TBL? Right now my money is on John.

SUAR

Don’t forget the SUAR sale. Go HERE. End Monday. Lots of cool stuff including long sleeve techs.

Creeper Emails

Is it just me, or do you sometimes get odd emails too? I’m not talking about the ones from Saudi Arabia begging for $5 million dollars. Those are totally legit and I always send a money order right away. Nor am I talking about the ones advising that I need a penile implant, because I couldn’t agree more and I’ve had several surgically implanted.

What I am talking about are emails like this one that I got a couple of days ago:

From: God is Good
Subject Line: You are a winner

“I really enjoy watching you on the Biggest Loser. I love your style.....charmer and then the strongest motivator. You are adorable. You can train me any day. By the way are you married or taken?”

This email makes a ton of sense. I am very frequently mistaken for Anna Kournikova. I mean, I look just like her:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or, perhaps the emailer saw my slightly thinning hair and thought I was Bob? I mean we do share a similar figure. Flat abs, flat chest, shapely calves. We also both have veiny arms.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I do, however, not see how this person could have mistaken me for Dolvett. My teeth are no where near as nice as his, I don’t throw medicine balls on people’s chests and I haven’t been able to bounce a quarter off of my ass in years. Not to mention that despite my L’Oreal Perfect Match powder, I just can’t seem to achieve the same skin tone that he has. And, I’ve never in my life touched Justin Bieber.

What to make of this? I shall never know.

As to the question about me being married or taken – well, I am taken. I cannot stop breaking hearts wherever I go. I will say that if I were not taken, I would definitely want to meet my soul mate through a random email.

Ever get weird crap in your in box? I get lots of amazing and inspirational emails. But, occasionally there’s one that makes me go, “huh?”

Who do you think the next BL trainer should be? Does Dolvett have a sister? Could Jillian come back? Besides me, I think this woman would do a kick ass job.

SUAR

Breaking News: Bye, Bye Anna

Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out. People Magazine announced today that Anna Kournikova will not be returning to the Biggest Loser next season. Apparently, this was her choice and she was not forced out. She issued the following statement:

“I enjoyed my time on the Biggest Loser ranch. Although I will not be returning as a full time trainer on season 13, I will always be a part of The Biggest Loser family and my commitment to bettering lives through health and fitness will continue."

This hardly comes as a surprise. While some of the contestants did lose significant weight while training with Anna, her style left much to be desired. While watching her I always felt like TBL was trying to fit a square peg into a circle. It just didn’t work.

From the start I had questions about her qualifications and questioned whether TBL chose this gorgeous woman as eye candy to boost ratings. Sure, she may be a personal trainer, but her forte has not historically been in working with obese people.

What do you think of the decision? Spot on or premature?

SUAR

Can You Find 12?

This morning I was holding my breath. It was half excitement and half fear. And, it had nothing to do with Joe Paterno. It was time to run. Finally. After 10 days without so much as a step of running or anything else, I was ready to test out this body of mine. Ten days ago, a mere three mile run had me hobbling, tight and sore. My whole left leg felt cramped, wrong and dead (CW&D). Since that time I have had:

• Lots of rest
• 1 cortisone shot in my high hamstring (butt crease)
• 1 killer active release massage that worked the heck out of my piriformis and glutes
• Halloween candy
• Some wine

It was a bit nipply, but nothing to write home about. What is to write home about is the filth on this thermometer.

Just for the record, we do not keep our house at 57 degrees. I think it reads that because it is beside the cold ass window.

A bit frosty outside, but gorgeous. I hate living in this shit hole. There are some geese above for your viewing. Count them. Can you find 12? I am sure they are pooping because there are geese turds everywhere around here. The dog eats them then shits them then eats his own shit, so it is one big excrement cycle. Did I tell you I saw a coyote yesterday? I did.

Got on my shoes:

Made sure I was wearing my battery operated glow in the dark clothing. That’s why I have sunglasses on in the house.

I ran 4 miles. The cold air burned my lungs. My cardio was in the toilet from doing nothing for 10 days. I focused on keeping my arms under control, and not reaching out. I concentrated on quick turnover and having my feet land under my hips.  My pain was minimal. No pain at all in the butt crease!! Some achiness in lower hamstring and glutes, but much, much better. Progress!

I have another appointment with Matt on Tuesday to do active release again on some troubled muscles and trigger points. I am getting there. I believe that the combination of the massage treatment, strength training and gradual modifications to my gait will get my out of this injury cycle and on my way to being a healthier and more well-rounded runner. There is no quick fix; it does not happen overnight. But, it does happen. This is when being stubborn and determined comes in very handy.

If you couldn’t find 12 geese, that’s okay because there are only 11. Hope you didn’t spend too much time on that exercise.

Biggest Loser Impressions (spoiler alert):

• Despite BDD and my thoughts that Ramon might throw the weigh-in to go be with Jessica who has already dumped him for a Pittsburgh Steeler, he did not
• Vinny wears a headband to dinner. Why?
• I’m sure Dolvett is a great cook in real life. But his beef tenderloin looked like seared ahi tuna. I love you Dolvett, but that was gross.
• Bonnie took the crying down a notch this week, but she still needs to go. It would be the biggest upset in the universe of she won the marathon.
• I don’t own and have never been tempted to buy a Biggest Loser cookbook. You?
• Ramon is immature. Mad because people voted off his girlfriend. Are we playing a game or are we a support group for Ramon’s love life? Get a grip.
• Bob’s hair continues to recede. At some point he might want to consider a full head shave. I think that will be next season.
• I like past winner Olivia. A lot. Even if she does have mom hair.

What temperature do you keep your house at? Ours is 62 at night, 69 during the day.

Do you own a BL Cookbook? Any good?

How was your run today? Aches? Pains? Camel toe/moose knuckle in your tights?

SUAR

No More Custom Jeans

Just got back from my Cortisone injection. By the way, “high hamstring” means lower ass. I always think it’s funny when you go the doctor. You get very intimate very fast. In my case, I had never met the guy and five minutes after getting there I was bare ass up on the table and he was pushing and prodding my butt, trying to find the sore spot. I asked for a cigarette.

Here is the pre shot set up, very simple indeed:

He poked in and out (TWSS) looking for where to do the injection, but  never hit a spot that was especially sore. WTF? I mean I’ve been dealing with this pain for awhile now and why when someone pushes the hell out of it, do I not feel anything? Am I lying? Making this up? Maybe I have some sort of disorder where I just want attention from doctors. Lord knows I’ve seen enough of them this year.

The shot itself was not too painful except when he hit the bone (sorry, I know that made you cringe). However, at this moment in time I am very sore. Time will tell if it works or not. I am not expecting a miracle, but I am hoping for enough relief that I can start working on getting the area stronger again.

Your insights about strength training on my last post were very helpful. I am resigned to the fact that building strength will become a part of my repertoire from here on out. It just has to be.

In other news, my phone interview with this dude went well today:

There were about four bloggers on the line, and we each got about ten minutes to ask Apolo and his coach about his training and upcoming marathon on Sunday in NYC.

I’ll post the full interview tomorrow, but a couple of teasers:

• His goal is to finish in around 3:30
• He has run 700 miles since he started training for the marathon
• His quads have gotten smaller since he started running and he now does not have to buy custom made jeans (I mean, seriously, look at those bitches):

• He loves me and asked if we could hold hands and speed skate together, but I told him I just had a Cortisone shot and am a bit sore.

Who is your fitness idol? I am on the fence. But I like the legs above. A lot. I also like Dolvett.

On a closing note, my impression of this week’s Biggest Loser (spoiler alert):

1. Ramon likes Jess more than she likes him
2. I don’t know why Dolvett’s team isn’t losing more weight
3. Bonnie cries too much and I wish she would have gone home before Jess
4. Anna’s team got results this week but I’m still not a huge fan
5. Bob’s hair is not growing on me
6. I about died when Vinny did that move where he flopped on his stomach. I’m sure he broke five ribs if that is possible to do through all of that extra fat
7. Chocolate gravy is the most disgusting food I’ve ever heard of. Isn’t it just Hershey’s syrup?

Sorry for any typos. In a hurry to get to a meeting. More tomorrow.

SUAR

Hanging With Jackie ‘n Dan

**Please check the bottom of yesterday's post to see if you won my giveaway (5 winners), then email me. If I don’t hear from you by Monday, I’m going to pick someone else!

I am in a piss poor mood about tomorrow’s half marathon. I am trying to focus on the cone, not the crap, but it is difficult.

My left ass cheek (LAC) has been giving me fits lately when I run. It started after the Half Ironman followed by a half marathon the next weekend (mid-August). I should have known better.

The LAC has been holding its own, but was made very angry yesterday when I tripped on an uneven sidewalk and stretched my glute like taffy. And not Laffy Taffy. Mean, angry, hostile taffy. Probably chipotle pepper flavor.

I will go and try to run tomorrow and see what happens. DNF? DNFF? (I like to add an “f” bomb in there for good measure). Before you tell me to go see someone, I have an appointment with Dr. Jeremy Rodgers for Tuesday. He’s a sport’s med and chiropractor doc and currently the medical staff director for Rocky Mountain based Ironman.  He has also served on the Boston Marathon medical staff. I hope I’m in good hands.

Another reason I’m in a piss poor mood is the weather.

It is 35 degrees and pouring rain. A good day to cuddle up in here:

With this:

Yes, Emma made a fort this morning. I used to love to do that when I was her age and pretend it was in the inside of Jeannie’s bottle from I Dream of Jeannie.

Hmmm…might need to do some academics this weekend:

It’s not all crappy. A bright spot was that we headed to the expo in Denver this morning and I got to hang out with these two cool cats. Remember the mother/son duo from the Biggest Loser, Jackie and Dan? They both look amazing in person.

(Try not to stare at my exposed midriff)

Jackie and Dan have taken up a great cause, Kids Fit Foundation, which raises funds and awareness for quality youth programs that incorporate health, fitness and wellness. How cool is that? I love it when people who have a fan base and/or celebrity status us their exposure to bring awareness to important and crucial issues.

Have you ever tripped while running and pulled the crap out of some muscle?

Ever run a race with pain? Did you finish?

Have you read Mile Markers yet? What did you think?

What’s your favorite way to spend a rainy day?

SUAR

Biggest Loser Banter

Now that you’ve had 36 hours to catch up on the premier of the Biggest Loser and to digest every morsel (Jennie O Turkey, Extra Sugar Free Chewing Gum), let’s talk.

The good:

1. ‘Vett the New Trainer: I’m really digging this dude. I have never heard that name before, have you? I think it means “lean muscles of beauty” in some language or another.  I always thought a dolvett was a cover for a comforter. Or maybe that’s duvet.

Anyhow, this duvet reminds me of a tough boot camp dude, like from the movies. Remember Officer and a Gentleman? GET UP MAYO!! ARE YOU A PUSSY? Yet, Dolvett’s got this softer, gentler side. Based on the other night, if he was my trainer, I would want to meet his expectations and not let him down. I think he would push me to and beyond my limits. He would motivate me. He’s got that “Shut Up and Run” attitude. And, holy shit when he takes off his shirt, major eye candy. He is the total package, and speaking of packages… or at least that’s how it came across last night.

I did a little poking around on Dolvett and here’s what I found: He’s 38. He opened his own fitness studio in 2004 in Atlanta training and transforming clients. He helped one guy lose 325 pounds. He’s trained big names like Justin Bieber and Janet Jackson. His favorite name is Beth and he likes small breasted women (okay might have made that last part up).

2. The marathon! The marathon is back and with a twist!! I know it’s debatable whether people should lose this kind of weight and train for a marathon in a short period of time. I get that and can’t say I disagree.  But, it’s kind of like putting extra cheese on your pizza, you know you shouldn’t be a fan of it, but you are drawn in and cannot help yourself.

 

3. No puke scenes. This has to be a first ever for the season premier of TBL. I have a vomit phobia and cannot even watch it happening on TV, so this was good news for me. I would add a picture but I’m too afraid to do Google images on “Biggest Loser Puke.” Go do it and tell me how bad it was.

The bad:

1. Bob’s receding hair line and slicked back hair.

2. Splitting teams up by ages. Not a fan.

3. The fact that the older team walked the first challenge instead of trying to run just part of a mile. C’mon it’s the Biggest Loser. You’ve got more than that. Yes, I’m judgmental.

 

4. Anna (ah-nah). Let’s talk Anna. I went in with an open mind, well sort of. Honestly, I thought she was very weak. She simply does not have the presence or energy to be a trainer in this capacity. I don’t think you have to yell and scream, but there is a certain charisma that a trainer on this show needs to have. Yes, she is gorgeous, with perfect skin and a kick ass body. And, she can cry at the most opportune moments. But, she doesn’t have the “it” factor that a BL trainer needs to have. Maybe she’ll prove me wrong. Would be kind of cool if she did. Put me in my place. Wouldn’t be the first time.

What did you think of the premier?

Yay or nay on Anna? Or, is it too soon to judge?

Did Dolvett do it for you? What is a Dolvett?

Did you dig Bob’s hair?

SUAR

Gaining Weight While Marathon Training: WTF?

Remember that episode of the Biggest Loser when Daris gained weight during marathon training and Jillian bit his head off? Runners worldwide gave Jillian the virtual finger, knowing that it’s in fact very common to pack on some pounds while training for the big “M.”

Daris ran his first marathon in an amazing 4:02!

I was reminded of this Friday night during a conversation with a friend who I am coaching towards her first marathon. She is about half-way into her 20 week training plan for the Marine Corps in October. I asked how training was going – she said she was plowing through with consistency and strength, and had remained injury free. She then added (while we stuffed guacamole and chips in our pie holes), “But, I’m totally shocked. I’ve gained like 7 pounds. I thought for sure I’d lose weight while training, and this sucks.”

Enough already. I decided I needed to get to the bottom of this weight gain conundrum. Seriously, if you burn on average 100 calories per mile (depending on age, weight, sex, etc.) and run about 30 miles per week, then technically you have 3,000 extra calories of eating to do just to maintain your weight. Right? Wrong.

Here are some reasons you may gain weight while training for a marathon (from HERE and HERE):

• You're building more muscle mass, which is denser than fat. So while that may translate to an overall weight gain, your body fat percentage has decreased and you're more toned than you were before.
• Your body is learning to store carbohydrates as fuel (glycogen) for your long runs. Those glycogen stores are important to completing your long runs and marathon without "hitting the wall", but you may see a couple extra pounds on the scale on certain days. Your body also requires additional water to break down and store the glycogen, so that will also add extra weight.
• You may have been increasing your calorie intake. Running a lot should not be an invitation to eat gallons of ice cream and trays of Oreos. The basic principle for weight loss still applies: You must burn more calories than you consume. To lose a pound, you have to burn, through exercise or life functions, about 3600 calories.
• You are drinking too many calories. Just because you're training for a marathon doesn't mean that you need to constantly drink sugary sports drinks. While it's important that you replace electrolytes during your long runs, you don't need to constantly have a sports drink at your fingertips the rest of the time. Plain water is fine for staying hydrated during the week.

Keep in mind too that if you go for a long run and then come home and sleep the rest of the day, you probably aren’t burning any more calories than if you were moderately active consistently for most of the day walking, hiking, cleaning the house, etc.

Also it’s important to eat enough food to keep you energized. Dieting while training for a marathon can be dangerous and lead to all sorts of issues like fatigue, illness, and injury. It is a slippery slope:  If you eat more calories than you burn, you'll gain weight. If you eat too few calories, you won't have the energy to train.

Do you gain weight while training for races?

During high volume training I am ravenous and eat much more than I would normally. Even with lots of pooping, that usually this means a weight gain of 2-5 pounds at the peak of training. The extra pounds are mostly muscle and help fuel me towards a better race. After the race, my training volume decreases and I tend to naturally go back to my pre-training weight.

Is one of your motives to train for a marathon or half marathon weight loss?

For me, NO. I am happy with my weight. Yes, you read that right. I am probably in the minority on that one. I train for marathons to challenge myself and to be in the best physical shape I can be. Weight does not figure into the equation for me.

Stay tuned for for scientific info from Dr. San Millan (who did my performance testing) on why, despite your best efforts, you may not be losing weight during exercise.

SUAR

Anna Kournikova–Really?

I got my eyes dilated today. I have big pupils. You know what they say about big pupils, don’t you? Me neither. But, I’m sure there’s some Chinese proverb. “He who have big pupil…”

And, yeah, I need an eyebrow wax. Even people with dilated pupils can see that.

Getting my eyes dilated makes me depressed. I can’t read. All I want to do is sleep. Makes me wonder if blind people are tired all the time.

I am not too tired or blind, however, to wonder what you think about something. The new trainer replacing Ms. Jillian on the Biggest Loser.

Anna Kournikova.

Yes, she is smoking hot. Yes, she has legs beyond her ass clear up through her pupils.

Yes, she is an amazing athlete with a long list of credentials. World tennis champ and all that.

But, does she have what it takes for the show?

Okay, so she’s a “licensed trainer.” But, has she specialized in helping people with weight loss? She talks about leading a healthy lifestyle, which I’m sure is true (just look at her!), but how does this translate in her being able to assist the everyday morbidly obese couch potato in not only losing weight, but tackling the issues that got him/her there in the first place? Maybe I’m missing something and she’s got more to offer than I know.

TBL says it wants to “move away from just the tape measure, and getting into overall well being and health."

I hate to see the show lose its roots of helping the “common man” work towards dropping significant poundage while having insights into why overeating occurred initially. I think this is exactly why so many people find the show inspiring: real people who are relatable. Real people who accomplish something amazing when they are given the tools and opportunity. Yes, the show may be extreme and not “real life,” but there have been some impressive results.

My opinion? I think TBL sold out. They went with eye candy, someone who they knew might attract viewers. When you Google Anna images, you will be hard pressed to find a picture of her playing tennis or doing anything athletic. It’s all bikinis, modeling and Maxim. I had to scroll down quite a while to find the above tennis picture. 

She’s hard-on material for sure, but hard core weight loss trainer? I’m not convinced. Hope she proves me wrong.

You have to figure TBL had their choice of the best trainers in the world for this show. Interesting pic for sure.

I also read the Brett and Cara will not be back. Who will the other two new trainers be? Mario Lopez and Jessica Simpson? Maybe Enrique Iglesias.

What do you think about the changes? Just cause she’s in shape and has a killer figure, does that qualify her?

SUAR

PS: Changing back to my old way of comments. I hate this new way (visually), but I know Blogger was having trouble, so I switched. If you can’t leave a comment, please email me or FB me and let me know.

No Marathon. WTF?

For starters, you need to read the comments on my last post. Some incredible stories of inspiration, hardship and perseverance. You guys always amaze me. Truly.

I am so tired and ADHD slash manic slash PMS today that my eye is twitching. If I knew what was good for me I would go lie down. Instead I keep getting the frozen lemon bars out of the freezer and almost breaking my teeth on them. Who needs defrosting when you have a dentist who does same-day crowns right in his office?

But, you didn’t come here to read about my mania. I’ve got my thinking cap on today, so don’t be jealous if I look really smart. Even Lucky is perplexed by how smart I look. Or the fact I am giving him the finger.

So, let’s get to the topic of the day. Here’s what I don’t get. What the hell happened to the marathon on the Biggest Loser? The final episode before the finale was this past Tuesday. It was par for the course with visits home, crying, flashbacks and more crying. And, then some crying.  But, there was something missing. Something that makes the whole season worthwhile. The marathon.

I know this has been controversial in the past. My guess is TBL received complaints about “making” contestants run a marathon without being properly trained or something like that. Or, maybe in a show that has become so predictable, they decided to mix it up a bit and incorporate a turkey burger cooking challenge and golf course-carry-your-weight extravaganza. zzzzzz…..

I always found the marathon to be the most inspiring episode of all, even more so than the finale. Why? Because a marathon symbolizes the Cadillac of accomplishments. It’s the big kahuna. Running a marathon signifies that you have arrived. Right? It’s a known fact that you can’t be out of shape and run a marathon. It is also difficult to be morbidly obese and run a marathon, although that one guy did it in L.A. this year (it took him 9:48).

Last year’s marathon on the Biggest Loser was the shit because Ada stopped to take a dump and it took her six minutes. I even blogged about it HERE.

Just FYI: I got naked from the waist down, peed, pooped and threw away my underwear during the Boston Marathon and it only took me three minutes. Just sayin’.

I missed the marathon terribly. I usually watch it while stuffing my face with popcorn and pita chips. I love seeing people dig down to the deepest corners of their souls to complete that 26.2 mile distance. It gives me the chills. It makes me cry. It makes me proud of people I don’t even know. It makes me want to get out and run and be the best I can be. Watching contestants who were so incredibly out of shape only five months prior complete this feat is nothing short of amazing. Simply said, it’s tough to not be inspired watching it happen.

Do you think omitting the marathon (and substituting it with a turkey burger cooking contest of all things) was the right thing to do? Did you miss it?

Feel free to be the one to push me over the edge to 1,600 followers. I’ll love you for it.

Off to brush my teeth because that is how I stop eating crap.

SUAR

Bob Harper, the Chimney Sweep

You guys are funny. Everyone wondered in yesterday’s post how long it took to get this picture:

If you thought it was a self-timer shot, you give me way too much credit. It took exactly four tries by my son, Sam, photographer extraordinaire, before there was one I liked. First there was this:

Then this:

And then this:

And you wonder why I have a broken hip.

Moving on:

I love Bob Harper, trainer on the Biggest Loser, for many reasons. He inspires and motivates the contestants. He loves Extra Chewing Gum and Subway and excels at doing product placements for both. He has a lovely and sexy Southern Tennessee drawl. He openly admits to having become vegan after reading the “Skinny Bitch” book (which I did not write). Foremost, he has just a few muscles, a tattoo of me on his ass and a nice “happy trail.”

What I do not like about Bob is the fashion choice he made this week on the show.  The outfit in certain instances would be fun, but when you’re going to the gym to train people you’ve got to set a good example. Not the best photos, but you get the idea:

Here he is trying to teach Rulon to do a handstand. I am not sure how he keeps his hat on. Must be crazy glue.

I’m guessing one of these things prompted the outfit choice:

• He was going to an audition for Oliver Twist immediately after the show.
• He has a second job as a chimney sweep
• He was headed to Ye Olde Coffee Shoppe for a skinny soy latte
• He spilled Gatorade all over his workout clothes and had to wear what was in the trunk of his car.
• He is writing a new book called “How to Train a Former Olympic Gold Athlete While Wearing Clothes From the Salvation Army.”

What did you think of the outfit? Is it appropriate for the gym?

Off for a three hour bike ride. Hoping I return with my vagina intact.

SUAR

The Six Minute Dump

Tuesday night was the almighty marathon run on the Biggest Loser.

Even if you don't watch the show, you can appreciate this episode. People who were morbidly obese only three months ago train for and run a  marathon. Although they’ve been working out hard for three months, they really only train for the marathon for about 15 minutes.

This is by far my favorite episode of the season. Anything with the word “marathon” in it gets my juices flowing.

Little House on the Prairie marathon on TV on Sunday? I’m in.

Marathon candy bar (chocolate and caramel goodness). I’m all over it.

Running a marathon, talking about running a marathon, watching other people run marathons, reading about marathons, dreaming about marathons – I’m there. All the time.

That is why last night I jumped up exclaiming, “It’s the marathon show! I love the marathon! I love everything about the marathon! I just love marathons! I love marathons!!” My family responded, “Uh, yeah, mom we know you do. Give it a rest. Go find a pool or something.”

This marathon episode started much like the others:

Contestants: “I couldn’t even walk to the refrigerator a couple of months ago and now I’m running a freaking marathon.”

Constantans: I just don’t know if I’ll be able to do it. I mean 26.2 miles. It’s a long way to go.

Jillian: This is going to kick their asses, but they’ll do it because I’ll sit on their heads (faces?) if they don’t.

Bob: Let’s get this marathon going all up in here.

Allison: Blah blah blah…weigh in…blah blah blah…yellow line…blah blah blah.

There was, however, one drastic difference in this season’s marathon. Someone took a dump. It was the nice Asian girl, Ada, who we are all rooting for because her parents never said they were proud of her and they think she is responsible for her brother’s death and we all know she’s not, but she blames herself and so desperately wants her parent’s approval.

So, here’s Ada, hammering it out on the marathon course. Just blazing along. Bob joins her for a spell and that’s about the time she tells him she has to go to the bathroom.

Bob: “Well, real marathoners just pee their pants.”

Ada: “It’s not pee I’m talking about.”

Oh, snap Ada! You are my people!

That’s when she makes the decision to hijack the migrant farmer’s porto. She goes in and lays one down. And it takes her…

Six minutes.

Six freaking minutes!! She added six minutes to her marathon finish time with a crap. Gun time = 4:38. Gun time minus poop time = 4:32.  I’m not sure if her parents would approve of that.

Here’s the thing. If I have to take a crap while running, it’s at the door, screaming. I can barely make it to the porto or bushes. It’s not the kind of thing where you leave the course, grab the newspaper and settle in for awhile. I don’t know what Ada was doing in there. Carefully wiping? She needs to learn skid marks are just par for the course.

Yes, she still kicked ass, finished first, and beat the best time so far on all episodes of the show. Even taking time out for a leisurely dump.

Ada’s got my vote,

SUAR

PS: Don’t forget my ultimate giveaway

PPS: Seriously?? Please, someone get me to 1,000 followers before I pull “an Ada.”

Overflowing

Running Tip: Now that spring has sprung, dress light! Wear clothing that is suitable for about 10 degrees warmer than it is. Unless you are training to run Badwater. Then just wear your down coat in the sauna.

Okay, seriously blog world. Is that all you’ve got??? Many of you entered my giveaway, yet so few were courageous enough to send a picture of yourself looking ridiculous. So, what I take from this is that you all want free stuff, but don’t want to put yourself on the line and look stupid. That actually does make sense. Or, maybe it’s a time issue. As in, do you guys really have families and jobs and marathon training to tend to?

How am I to have a fruitful photo contest if you don’t send me your obnoxious photos? Here are the perks of taking a photo risk with me (here come the bullets):

• The odds are in you favor - especially for the guys. GUYS, send in your pics.
• You get five extra entries to the giveaway
• You have a chance (and a pretty good one) to win a really cool hydration pack worth $70
• I know modeling and talent agencies comb my site looking for potential subjects. This could be your big break.

I’m done begging and pleading. Do what you want. But just know I expected more. Don’t you wish I was your mother? I could say this to you everyday.

Today I’m going for twelve miles. I wish for many things on my longer runs. To feel strong. To be present. To see the beauty around me. To not shit. That last wish is a tough one and is usually not granted. It would be a more realistic wish if I said, “To not shit my pants.” Shitting goes without saying.

That said, did I ever tell you the story of my most embarrassing moment? Believe me, I have a laundry list of them, but this one takes the cake.

I was 18. I thought I was in love for the first time. My then boyfriend, Michael, wanted to take me to meet his grandparents in Annapolis. But prior to this blissful meeting, he wanted to take me to his favorite deli for a rich, huge, calorie laden Ruben sandwich and chocolate malt (foreshadow). This sounded good at the time.

Here’s what I remember. I ate the whole sandwich and drank the whole malt. We walked outside and it was about 95 degrees and humid. The tar on the road was steaming and stunk. You know when you feel sick, you notice all the sights, smells and sounds around you. They are vivid. In your face. They all make you feel worse.

We got to Michael’s grandparents condo. It is important to note this was a condo. Not much room to run and hide (foreshadow).

We sat around conversating (anyone watch the Biggest Loser? Anyone annoyed by Victoria who used this word, convesating, in a sentence?). Suddenly, my stomach cramps up. The pain is so severe I’m can’t carry on a conversation. I excuse myself to the little powder room off of the living room. I blow it up and flush it down. No harm no foul (NHNF). I return to my seat on the couch with Michael’s grandpa, “Poppie” and his grandma.

Not a minute later, wave two is upon me. The cramping is intense. The need to use the bathroom again is urgent. I excuse myself again. You can get away with one trip to the bathroom, but two trips in five minutes and you should probably just announce to everyone present, “I have diarrhea!”

This time when I unload, the toilet hesitates. It swirls and bubbles, but eventually agrees to ingest what I’ve put in it. I am praising the Lord, promising to only do good deeds for the rest of my life.

I head back out to the family, who by this time knows I’m sick. I vaguely remember grandma dimming the lights and telling me to lie down for a moment sweetie. I stretch out a bit, already feeling humiliated, but knowing the worst is behind me (foreshadow).

Are you kidding me? Wave three is in the house. Shrouded with shame and trepidation, I again head for the bathroom. It’s hard to believe I had anything left, but I did. With sheer relief because I felt so much better and knew I got it all out, I flushed the toilet. Only this time, the water hesitated as if to say, “Really? You really think you can drop this kind of a load and I’m just going to take it with no consequences?” I watched the water churn slowly, then it started to rise. Little whispers and pleas flew from mouth, “Just go down. Please go down. If you go down I’ll do anything. I’ll join a convent. I’ll stop having pre-martial sex. I’ll give all my savings from working at Roy Rogers to charity. Anything!” But, the toilet gods did not listen and did not care. The shit water rose and rose until it was spilling and gushing from the toilet. I pulled up the small rectangular rug on the floor and watched, horrified, as the shit water started to seep under the door and out into the hallway.

Now, stop reading for a moment, and think to yourself. WWID? What would I do? Seriously. What would you do? What could I do? It’s not like I could sneak out the back window, although I wanted to. I had to call for help. I had to call the first love of my life who I had not so much as farted in front of to help me. “Michael!” I yelped from the bathroom. Michael came over and screamed, “OH MY GOD!” He then called in Poppie, who kindly told me to step aside as he brought in the mop.

And there you have it, my friends. Don’t ever say I didn’t tell you my deepest and darkest secrets. I think since I just put this out there, the least you can do is send a damn picture.

Drinking: Kirkland coffee brewed by Starbucks

Back Off

Running tip: In the midst of a tough training schedule, give yourself a break. Every 4th or 5th week make sure you decrease workout by at least 30%. Your body needs a sigh of relief once in a while (source: Runreviews.com)

It’s a snow day here. Kids and Ken are home. Yes, I know. In the middle of dang March. I should not be surprised. March and April are huge snow months in Colorado. It cracks me up how people who have lived here forever act all shocked when it snows during the spring. Dude, it snows every single year like this.

What I was not prepared for was that the satellite went out. That does not happen every spring. I missed "The Biggest Loser" and "American Idol." It was a sad night. I found myself doing weird things like reading, paying attention to my family and going to bed early. I contemplated going to Sears and watching it on their showroom TVs with my designer Snuggi and glass of wine. Now that's white trash.

I am glad I got in my ten mile run yesterday before the white stuff hit. Let’s just say running a ten mile run at marathon pace (8:40, but I only managed 8:49) two days after a 20 mile run stunk. Literally. More bathrooms issues during that run, too, but I’ll spare you. I usually don’t spare you, but I will today because the blog world can only take so much poop talk. Suffice it to say it was a replay of Sunday’s run(s) minus 10 miles. Here's me heading out. I wore my Shut Up and Run shirt hoping it would give me inspiration. It didn't. I wore it backwards with the logo on the front. I figured no one would be slower than me and see the back.

Today was to be speed work, but I’m backing off. My body is telling me with every cell of its being that I should not run today. And I am listening. Even though my training schedule says get the hell out there, I am ignoring it. I am convinced what got me the stress fracture was pushing too hard. But this is what goes on in my head:

Soft/yoga/holistic/calm/accepting voice: Your legs hurt, your intestines are revolting, you are fatigued. Take some time off. If you don’t meet your mileage for the week, no biggie.

Hard ass/competitive/critical/fearful voice: You’ve got to get the mileage in or you won’t do well in the marathon. Your body is supposed to hurt. Push harder. Don’t be such a wimp. You’ll be in Mexico next week and you won’t train as hard.

Do you have two sides in your head telling you what to do? Who do you listen to? Do you ever back off from what your training schedule says, or do you plow ahead regardless?

Drinking: Kirkland coffee brewed by Starbucks.