Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Six Minute Dump

Tuesday night was the almighty marathon run on the Biggest Loser.

Even if you don't watch the show, you can appreciate this episode. People who were morbidly obese only three months ago train for and run a  marathon. Although they’ve been working out hard for three months, they really only train for the marathon for about 15 minutes.

This is by far my favorite episode of the season. Anything with the word “marathon” in it gets my juices flowing.

Little House on the Prairie marathon on TV on Sunday? I’m in.

Marathon candy bar (chocolate and caramel goodness). I’m all over it.

marathonbar

Running a marathon, talking about running a marathon, watching other people run marathons, reading about marathons, dreaming about marathons – I’m there. All the time.

That is why last night I jumped up exclaiming, “It’s the marathon show! I love the marathon! I love everything about the marathon! I just love marathons! I love marathons!!” My family responded, “Uh, yeah, mom we know you do. Give it a rest. Go find a pool or something.

This marathon episode started much like the others:

Contestants: “I couldn’t even walk to the refrigerator a couple of months ago and now I’m running a freaking marathon.”

Constantans: I just don’t know if I’ll be able to do it. I mean 26.2 miles. It’s a long way to go.

Jillian: This is going to kick their asses, but they’ll do it because I’ll sit on their heads (faces?) if they don’t.

Bob: Let’s get this marathon going all up in here.

Allison: Blah blah blah…weigh in…blah blah blah…yellow line…blah blah blah.

There was, however, one drastic difference in this season’s marathon. Someone took a dump. It was the nice Asian girl, Ada, who we are all rooting for because her parents never said they were proud of her and they think she is responsible for her brother’s death and we all know she’s not, but she blames herself and so desperately wants her parent’s approval.

So, here’s Ada, hammering it out on the marathon course. Just blazing along. Bob joins her for a spell and that’s about the time she tells him she has to go to the bathroom.

Bob: “Well, real marathoners just pee their pants.”

Ada: “It’s not pee I’m talking about.”

Oh, snap Ada! You are my people!

That’s when she makes the decision to hijack the migrant farmer’s porto. She goes in and lays one down. And it takes her…

Six minutes.

Six freaking minutes!! She added six minutes to her marathon finish time with a crap. Gun time = 4:38. Gun time minus poop time = 4:32.  I’m not sure if her parents would approve of that.

Here’s the thing. If I have to take a crap while running, it’s at the door, screaming. I can barely make it to the porto or bushes. It’s not the kind of thing where you leave the course, grab the newspaper and settle in for awhile. I don’t know what Ada was doing in there. Carefully wiping? She needs to learn skid marks are just par for the course.

Yes, she still kicked ass, finished first, and beat the best time so far on all episodes of the show. Even taking time out for a leisurely dump.

Ada’s got my vote,

SUAR

PS: Don’t forget my ultimate giveaway

PPS: Seriously?? Please, someone get me to 1,000 followers before I pull “an Ada.”

64 comments:

  1. This season just doesnt seem as good as past seasons. There is so much game play involved but I guess that is to be expected. Ada is by far my favorite. A runner has been born!

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  2. I love the marathon episode, too! It makes me contemplate trying one (I've only done halves so far).

    I thought of you immediately when she took the dump. :)

    Didn't you just love how the medic was write there when she came out to sanitize her hands and provide a fresh towel. Sigh...wouldn't it be nice to have that kind of service during all my runs...

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  3. so many people are always pissed after the marathon episode, because they feel that they make it seem so easy. The work put into training is not really shown, but this my friend is the best review I have read!
    Thanks for a great start to my day ;-)

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  4. HAHAHA!!! I can't believe you talked about Ada! Ok, I can..

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  5. I'm mightily impressed by her time for a Biggest Loser contestant - they often finish at a near-walking pace. Good job, Ada!

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  6. And this is why I can't read your posts at work. I almost choked to death trying to stifle a laugh.

    I'm with you on the quick poop though. What exactly was she doing in there? Maybe her poop was shy. It happens.

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  7. I can't wait to watch it!! I don't get to see it until tonight. I also have a new fear that in my first marathon this February, I will finish slower than the Biggest Loser contestants.

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  8. Ada all the w.a.y.! I have never voted for any show.. ever. But I texted till my fingers were blue to get Ada on the scale one more time.. She TOTALLY deserves it over Elizabeth - (she drives me crazy)!

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  9. SIX MINUTES!!! man, even when i'm not running i'm good for a minute, tops!

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  10. That was the only biggest loser show I watched all season! It was borderline auh-mazing!

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  11. Jillian: This is going to kick their asses, but they’ll do it because I’ll sit on their heads (faces?) if they don’t.

    hahahahahahaha!!

    I am SO rooting for Ada!

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  12. Great post and yes, I love TBL. Watching the show and a few other factors inspired me to get healthier and I will run my first half-marathon in March!

    Thanks to Patrick at The Road for the link to your site. Count me in as a new follower, making me 999?

    (Anyone want to return the favor? I have been at 149 followers for a few weeks now.)

    www.clydesdaleproject.blogspot.com

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  13. Bob: “Well, real marathoners just pee their pants.”

    WTF Bob - only if I am going to win the dang thing (or break 3 hours).

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  14. ahahha I am crying over here :D

    This was the only episode I watched all season as well, loved it!

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  15. 6 minutes.....wow. EIther there was a lot to get done or she just wanted a break without anyone knowing! I love how you wrote what allyson says...I tune her out!
    It really is amazing what Ada accomplished.
    How much longer till your running again? I was thinking about you today and I was so worried that I was going to loose all of my endurance during my injury but because of cross-training I don't think I lost that much. So, in summary I was thinking about you and all your pool running and that once you are back on the road you are going to be amazing!!!

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  16. I love that episode too. Nothing like that to make ya think...."if they can run a marathon, surely I can too...."

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  17. This whole season I wasn't interested except for this episode. I dvr'ed it just because it was THE marathon episode. I must have FF while she was pooping but I was so happy with her time for besting Tara from before. She really has worked for it.
    It irked me last season when Jillian yelled at Daris for gaining like 2lbs while training for the marathon but loosing 12lbs in 6 weeks for Ada was great and I know they were expecting more from her but ugh, every bodies body is not made the same.

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  18. I am dying to read this post but won't because I haven't seen the marathon episode yet. Maybe tonight or tomorrow. But after I do see it, I will be back to read and comment.

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  19. I watch that too. I thought that was so funny!

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  20. well-I must say even the PITA said, "I bet SUAR is loving this". And yes, he this SUAR [like pronounced SUE-R] is your ACTUAL name.

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  21. Dudette, I would totally follow you again if I could, just to make it 1000. And, yes - loved, loved, LOVED the episode, loved ADA and it made me feel better about my upcoming marathon in January (which I will be running with an injured !^$#@ back), because if Elizabeth can finish a marathon, then by all that is holy so can I!

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  22. I've never had to dump in the middle of a marathon.

    Incidentally, I saw one of the former B.L. finalists from a recent season - that competed in the marathon no less - at Target last night. No kidding. He was buying a 32 oz soda and didn't appear to be in marathon shape. Sigh.

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  23. WHOOO HOOO! This is the first time I have ever became a "follower" of a blog. And now you are at 1,000! Even missed my timely, morning dump so no one would beat me to it. Rock on four digits!
    PS Thanks for the sicker

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  24. OMG you made me pee my pants...again! I love Ada...and yeah...I can do 1 minute even when I'm not running.

    Congrats on 1000 followers...that is amazing! :)

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  25. Maybe TMI but on my last 4 of 5 runs I've had to take a break. Weird, right? Especially since the previous, I dunno, 100 were crap free.

    Join EAP please, need mad love from people like you...

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  26. not sure what she would dump, they don't eat anything on that show! hehe.
    LC

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  27. Let me just say this....I was thrilled she dumped but didn't understand the timing. I just #2'd on the course and lost 1 minute....6 minutes is an eternity.

    And with Bob saying real marathoners just pee their pants I was vindicated and said to myself....guess I'm a real marathoner now.

    I need to send my Race Report to NBC/TBL and give a clinic on this.

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  28. Wow !! I would say this has all gone to a new level but I would be wrong.

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  29. Cheers to finding your people Beth! Taking a 6 minute dump is by far the longest dump known to man- especially during a marathon! Thanks for the laugh... especially for the graphic shitty *no pun intended write up* post puking for two days. I needed the laugh. ;-)

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  30. You have 1,000 followers!!!!!! So funny that I was thinking of you while I watched the BL :) I'm totally rooting for Ada. I was less than impressed with her 6 minute dump. In my case running makes for a quick #2. If only my fast crap times could help with my slow running times, I'd be set :) The key is to go before you start running.

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  31. wow....thats a long time to be holding your breath in a porta potty.

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  32. Dang, I've heard of bashful bladders, but never a shy s*#t hole!

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  33. I haven't been following the show but plan to next season because of this post. Darn it, I feel embarrassed of my 5:19 time. I mean she was over weight some months ago and she took a dumb for 6 whole minutes and her time was 4:30+. What's my excuse? I didn't even go to the porto to pee. LOL!

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  34. she totally is your people. you should see if she'd want to run with you sometime hahah :)

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  35. Go ADA!! Awesome review. I like the marathon but enjoyed it more when they made them do a triathlon but I can't even remember what the distance was. You got your thousand, you are the coolest, I'm holding at 48. lmao. But I still feel super special!

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  36. Ada is awesome! I'm actually going to vote to get her in the finals. I better go do that. I want to adopt her. Great post.

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  37. That is hilarious! I have to admit I stopped watching BL because it just started annoying the cr*p out of me (he he).

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  38. That is awesome! Sorry I missed it. I have been running consistently since July and last weekend my long run was 9 miles. I almost pooped my pants. Literally. I was so pissed because I was having a great run and I had to walk for a bit to keep it from dropping down my pant leg. :)

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  39. I was 997. Do I not get any love?

    I'm kinda ashamed now. Although I'm happy for this Ada chick, she totally trounced my marathon time. Thankfully I'm not hardcore ancient Greek cuz then I'd have to throw myself on a sword for bringing shame on the family. Silly Ajax.

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  40. I knew when I watched this Tuesday night that you would be blogging about it! I just knew it! Too sad that I am watching Ada's poop crisis and thinking of you. And Ada did run a great marathon!

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  41. LOL I am dying... I said the same thing to Chris "what is she doing in there? I can go much faster than that, especially in a race!" Should have known I would see a post on it here ;)

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  42. I haven't been watching this season, but now I absolutely have to go watch this episode. Priceless.

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  43. WTF?????? Lost a follower, back at 999.

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  44. Maybe she was deciding on the optimal placement of the SUAR sticker? It's national TV - you don't want to slap it up just anywhere.

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  45. I think I was number 1000 :) ... I thought I'd already clicked the follow thing, but obviously not, even though I religiously read your blog!
    I really must keep an eye out for when Biggest Loser finally screens here, I think its at weird times so I always forget about it.

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  46. 1000 and a 6 minute pit stop what more can you say.

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  47. i am several episodes behind but oh my...i had to keep reading.

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  48. Well, hang on now...some people are just slow and leisurely poopers no matter where they are. My hubs takes like half an hour but I think maybe he just likes the break from my nagging... :)

    Hilarious post SUAR...

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  49. I'm actually watching the episode WHILE I read this (you big spoiler!!!)... LOL. I had an Ada moment this past Sunday... I felt the brick, went to the potty... when it didn't come out within 30 seconds, I just pulled out of there and said forget it... and fortunately the need never returned... Fun times.

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  50. I'm with you. When the urge hits while running it's an urgent urge. Ada may be more like my husband. I timed him last week - 8 minutes!! I'd blow-dried my hair while he was 'finishing the sudoku'

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  51. i agree, if you really gotta go while running a marathon it should take more like 30 seconds, not 6. And can i be very inapropro for a second, is Jillian sitting on their faces supposed to be a bad thing...:-P

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  52. And this is why I love your blog!

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  53. Whoa. Six minutes IS a long time! I think when I went during my first half, it added a minute, max!

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  54. haha I thought the 6 minute dump was hilarious too!!

    Every year I watch that episode, it makes me want to do a marathon!!

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  55. I think you need to adopt her, show her some of the ropes of the dump world! And give her a sticker!

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  56. hahaha That was my favorite part as well! And she ran a dang good time for someone who was obese three months ago, I was impressed!

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  57. That Marathon bar has my vote! Me and my friend Val used to blaze across crazy busy streets on our Schwinn Stingray 5-speeds to get to the White Hen to buy them. Braided chocolate/caramel heaven!

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  58. 1018 followers. You've arrived.

    No matter how hard I try I can't squeeze it out in less than 5. I'm a thinker.

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  59. I refuse to fault Ada for taking a 6 minute dump. I'm doing good if I'm out in 10. Like Adam, I say it's a good time to contemplate life's great questions. And I just realized I missed the voting window. I'm going to hold myself personally responsible if Ada doesn't make it (yeah right, who the hell is going to vote for Elizabeth?).

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  60. I am officially addicted to your blog and LMAO.

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