Thursday, August 17, 2017

5 Nasty Ass Things Runners Do in Public

You may be asking yourself: "Self - why do runners do such odd, embarrassing and humiliating things in public?" I've been giving some thought to this because it is one of the wonders of the First World.

Think about it - as a runner you are often out in the middle of nowhere, dressed pretty scantily and in the process of utilizing many bodily functions because the pure movement of running riles up and excites the body. This is the perfect combination for unbelievable things to occur. Also, running can sometimes make us delirious in the same way that it can make us feel superhuman and invincible So, then we do epic shit. Or, take epic shits.

Here is just a mere sampling of some things that runners have been known to do in public (taken from real life stories - mine and others).

1. We let bodily functions fly. Although we may not try to do this in public, per se, sometimes there is an urgency that cannot be denied. In fact, I have a friend (who shall remain nameless, but you know who you are) who was once on a run in a very nice neighborhood. Suddenly, her intestines got the best of her and an emergency situation came about. If she could have found a bathroom, a large tree or even a ditch, she would have done so. But, none of these items were to be found, so she had to let loose in public. And, let loose she did. Right on somebody's lawn. In broad daylight.

I'm not positive, but I do believe that this is actually illegal. It probably falls under the category of indecent exposure with a mixture of  misdemeanor trespassing and a felony for grossness thrown in. But, what would you have done? Poop your pants and keep moving? Until you run in someone else's shoes, you really should not judge.

2. We get naked. Last year I did my first beer run.This was at the 6 day TransRockies Race. In case you aren't aware that is when you chug a beer ever quarter mile for a full mile. That is four beers. And, if you live in a state that loves its craft beers, you are probably chugging some hefty ale with 6% alcohol volume. In any case, I came in last (duh) but I did arrive in time to see the winner finish and spontaneously get naked. Like, all out naked. Here's the back view, but trust me the front view was even better.


3.We puke. Well, I don't, but you might. Ever been at the finish line of a race? It can be a vomit fest. I try to avoid finish lines for this reason as I have emetophobia (fear of vomit). Why does this happen, you may ask? When we run, our digestive systems can somewhat shut down as our blood goes to support our lungs and heart, not our digestion. Dehydration can also cause you to heave. Lastly, if you stop too quickly (such as at the finish of a race) your stomach might not be able to handle the sudden change in exertion and you blow chunks. Unfortunately, when it's coming up, it's happening whether you like it or not.

4. We fondle ourselves. The main reason that this happens, is we are ready to run and realize we've forgotten to apply lube to prevent chafing. A reader pointed out a scene she once witnessed, "I watched an 80+ year old man standing behind his car, which was parked near where everyone was gathering pre-race, pull his running shorts out by the waist band and proceed to lube up the dangly bits with Vaseline. Everyone within eye site had a lovely view of his family jewels."

5. We bleed. Nipple chafing (like Andy from the office). Periods (always showing up unwanted and at inappropriate times). Bloody knees (ever been part of at trail run? You'll see lots of these). 

Image result for nipple chafing images

All this to say - when you humiliate yourself in public, it's not just you. Many people have come before you and have survived. So, go forward and shit, pee, bleed and vomit with pride!

What's the most humiliating thing you've done while running? Tell me a story in the comments.


Friday, August 4, 2017

5 Favorites From the Week

I just came in from mowing the lawn. Does anyone else mow their lawn? I had to mow the lawn as a kid. We had a HUGE yard and if you could have seen me as a 10 year old girl pushing the mower in 95 degree Maryland humidity, you probably would have thought I was a bad ass. Or, thought you should call social services because...well, child labor.

Some of my favorite posts from other bloggers are about stuff they are finding/trying/noticing, because it gives me ideas. I get stuck in my ruts and love it when I can find my way out to experience something new. So, in case you like these posts too, here are some of my recent favorite things/experiences/thoughts of mine.

1. Books. I love to read. But, my job requires me to pretty much read and write all day, so I don't do as much "fun" reading as I would like. Instead I can often be found watching The Bachelorette and feeling bad about myself (Lee is a snake and a racist).  I did, however,  just finish a couple of books.

This was a fluffy beach read (any book with "beach" in the title means probably not going to be the most serious piece of literature, especially when the cover includes bare legs and loungers and drinks).

Same Beach, Next Year: A Novel by [Frank, Dorothea Benton]

I've got to say, I love books set in the South (one of my favorite authors was Pat Conroy - RIP). This one takes place in and around Charleston. There is also a part where the main character spends time in Corfu, Greece. As you know because I bring it up all the time, I lived in Greece for four years during high school, so I love EVERYTHING related to Greece, Greek food, etc.(this book made me want to go cook up some Mousaka and tzatziki - or just to go Greece and have someone cook it for me). If you're looking for a light read, pick this one up.

On a more serious note. I found this one on Amazon Kindle while looking for cheap Kindle books. This is the kind of book I love (basically a memoir about a ridiculously dysfunctional family). I think it's the social worker in me. Highly disturbing, but I dare you to try to put it down.

Spilled Milk: Based On A True Story by [Randis, K.L]

2. Races

I have raced a lot this summer. A few 5ks and 10ks and two half marathons. But, I still have some fun stuff coming up.

Colorado Ragnar Relay at the end of the month. This one starts in Copper Mountain, Colorado and goes to Snowmass (Aspen).

That is not me
It's 200 miles. You are supposed to have teams of 12, but we only have 9 (wanna come along? I'm serious. As long as you don't mind a co-ed team of 45 to 55 year olds - email me). So, with nine of us, we each will run about 22 miles.

Ken and I also signed up for the Black Squirrel Half Trail Marathon on September 9. A fair amount of climbing (2,200 feet - all in the first 4 miles), lots of single track and great views. I felt like I couldn't pass up one more race before it gets cold because September is my most favorite month of the year in Colorado.

3. Movies/Shows

The best movie that I watched this summer was Lion. I know many of you have seen it. I thought was very well done and well cast. Go watch it if you haven't. It's on Netflix now.
Ken and I just finished the one and only season of Friends from College (also on Netflix). There are only 8 episodes. It is hilarious and really inappropriate (my favorite kind of show). There may even be some frontal nudity.

Image result

4. Gear

I don't usually run with a handheld bottle. I prefer my Orange Mud Hydra Quiver or my Orange Mud hydration vest. But...this has been such a hot summer, so even on shorter runs I like to have a bottle with me. I also have been carrying my phone for safety but also for Spotify. And I LOVE this handheld because the pocket is large enough for my iPhone (7). I can't take a picture with my phone in it, because I have to use my phone for the picture (First World Probs), but here it is. The phone fits in the pocket and sticks out the top, but the foldover part fits over the phone, if that makes sense.

Orange Handheld - Orange Mud - Running Water Bottle comes with a 21 ounce bottle.

5. Recipes!

I am always and forever trying new recipes. We had my parents over the other night and I wanted to try a shrimp boil. I used a recipe based on Old Bay seasoning (yes I am a Maryland girl) and it turned out fantastic. Basically, you cook up corn on the cob, red potatoes, andouille sausage and shrimp then dump it all out on newspaper in the middle of the table and everyone goes to town. If you like to add a twist, then be sure the newspaper is the obituary page. Recipe HERE.

That's all I've got for now. But...your turn.

Tell me one favorite from the week.

Best book you're read recently?

Best new recipe?

Best show/movie you've watched?

Softest toilet paper? Charmin FTW

Favorite place you've pooped (but a bathroom or porta potty doesn't count) In a hollowed out tree.


Sunday, July 23, 2017

2017 Camp Hale Half Marathon Race Report

I decided to do this race pretty last minute. I haven't been running much and didn't feel in half marathon shape, but I knew I had the miles available in my legs even if I wouldn't be super fast. So, I signed up and was especially encouraged by this in the race description:

The half marathon course will utilize well-maintained dirt roads, the Continental Divide Trail, and the Colorado Trail surrounding beautiful and historic Camp Hale. This will be a rare opportunity to compete on the same terrain that the troops of the 10th Mountain Division used for training during World War II. The 13.1-mile course is situated at 9,200 feet above sea level and will have minimal elevation gains reaching peak heights of 9,500 feet.

Based on this description, one would assume about 300 feet of gain, which is basically nothing when you run in the Colorado mountains. Well, foreshadow. They lied!!

Backing up, this area of Colorado about ten miles outside of Leadville is a place I fell in love with when I did the TransRockies Run last year. We stayed here for two nights. There is no cell reception and it feels remote. Here is one of my all time favorite pictures - Sylvie and I chilling after running 24 miles. And, after I did my first beer mile (I didn't even throw up!)

I planned to stay with my friend, Julie in Breckenridge. She texted me that afternoon.

Friday afternoon I headed up. What is usually a 2 hour at most drive, turned into over 3 hours.

We fueled with pasta and. I wasn't stressed about the race at all, but decided to put on my worry face anyway because it nicely shows off my wrinkles.

Morning came. I forgot my deoderant so I put 5 ounces of body spray in my pits. The race didn't start until 9am, and we had an hour drive. We got there by 8:30 to pick up our packets and empty our colons.

There were only a couple hundred people doing the race, so it was pretty chill. They did a countdown from ten and we started running. Uphill. By mile .7 (that's point seven) I knew this would be a grunt race for me. I felt like I was running in quicksand. I blamed it on the 9,300 foot altitude, but it might just be because I'm old and like wine. We continued climbing up a dirt road until we peeled off onto some single track. And, kept climbing.

I hate those races where you feel like you are fighting for every.single.step. The climbing continued and I kept thinking "Why the eff is this so hard? Am I really that out of shape?" There were some steep parts that you could only walk and these two girls behind me yelled, "300 feet of elevation gain MY ASS!!". Which was exactly what I was thinking.

For a minute we had a nice downhill and I hauled ass and passed a bunch of people. But, then the climbing resumed. We were on a never ending dirt road to hell. Finally at around seven miles, most of the climbing was behind us and we sailed down this awesome and shaded single track. We spit back out on the dirt road with about three miles to go. The road rolled for a bit, and I didn't care for those hills right before the finish.

At this point I had stopped looking at my watch because it was pretty depressing. Julie had long ago dropped my ass (well, she pretty much did that in the first .2 miles, and it was fine - we had agreed to run separately and she is much faster than me). As I came into the finish, I saw the clock said 2:14. I was pretty happy with that as I expected to run a 2:10. My average pace was 10:28.

Julie's husband, Wayne, snapped this right after I finished.

Turns out Julie also had tough race. I think we both were not prepared for the conditions. It turned about to be 1,366 feet of gain according to my GPS. Still not a ton for Colorado running, but some decent climbing.

The good news was that being 50 has its perks and I was second in the 50-59 age group. Here I am on the fancy podium. I was only 1 minute behind the winner, and that always pisses me off. Had I not just taken that extra drink at the aid station or that extra walk break....

I got a great prize.
Image result for pep pod
I've never tried these. I'm thinking they're like Nuun, which I love
There were fresh donuts and burritos at the end. But, my stomach wasn't quite ready for that business. After all, we had a drive ahead of us and I didn't want to make any enemies in the car with my butt thunder.

Final thoughts. If you do this race (and you should. It is well run, only costs $45 and is gorgeous), just know there is some climbing.

I made the long drive home, eager to put my smelly self into a shower (and rinse off the body spray in my pits). Guess what? No hot water. Hot water heater was broken. That put me in a foul mood but nothing an eff'ing freezing shower and a few glasses of wine couldn't cure.

What race did you do this weekend?

Favorite pre-race meal? I love hearing about what other people eat. I can't usually eat much before a race. I try to do s 100 mg or so of carbs and some coffee, water and Nuun.


Wednesday, July 12, 2017

I Like Them Dirty

My last post was about 3 weeks ago. That's the longest absence I've taken from blogging in 8 years. What? You didn't even know I was gone? Thanks a lot.

I could make up a bunch of reasons for not writing - like I was out of town (only four days) or that I'm too busy (not really) or that I've gotten my period twice in the past three weeks (at least I'm not pregnant x 2) or that I'm running so much (a whopping 20 miles per week), but the real reason is that I just haven't felt inspired.

I've thought about it and I don't know why.

And, it's not just blogging. It's my "real" job too. No, I don't at all feel depressed. I just feel blah. 

The good news is I am inspired to run and to cycle. And, to see friends and to be outside and to eat a lot and to travel.

Here's me traveling and feeling inspired.

Grey Goose dirty martinis definitely inspire as well (with blue cheese stuffed olives of course):

I'm not going to get all crazy and down on myself about not being motivated in certain areas. But, I am going to investigate what might need to change.

I have been spicing up things with:

Going to a Ninja Playground and realizing just how weak I am.

Image result for ninja playground longmont
This is not me, but I did make it up that wall!

Going to Vegas and winning $400 and realizing I really like winning money vs losing money like I've done on every single other trip. Here I am pondering my winnings while overlooking my empire.

Running on the Strip because it's Vegas and if you get out early enough you can see drunk people from the night before doing the walk of shame and trying to find their hotels.

Wait. Am I in Paris?
Having a July 4th Party and making my guests gamble because that is what we do in this house. Have you ever played Left, Right, Center? You have to. So fun. Guess who won? Can you spot me? (I am the one only one actively drinking and no, I didn't win. The guy in the black shirt on the right did. And I am the one who paid for him to play!) <he paid me back. Good person.

Making shrimp tostadas because I care about my family and I like shrimp

Going kayaking on a beautiful lake full of goose poop

Yea, lightening is about to strike. Livin on the edge.

One thing  I know about myself is that I get bored really easily. I don't like it when things are too routine. Maybe I should be a 911 dispatcher. Or a Navy Seal. Or a deep sea shark diver. Or a social worker...

Ever get in blah phases? 

What's the last meal you cooked? Tostadas

Vegas - love or hate it? We have a love affair

If you could choose - which show would you be on: Survivor, American Ninja Warrior, The Amazing Race, Naked and Afraid? I would do Survivor or TAR. Being naked and afraid sounds awful.

Last fun thing you did that didn't involve running? 


Monday, June 26, 2017

If We Were At Happy Hour Together....

I love these posts. We go to happy hour and I spill my guts to you and you look at me like I'm a freak, but pretend to be interested anyway. Thanks for that. Today I read something that gave tips if you don't know how to make conversation (loser!). Ask about FORD:


So, I'll tell you about some of these things tonight at happy hour and don't be offended if I don't ask you one f*cking thing about yourself. Because it's my blog, dammit.

If we were at happy hour together, I would tell you that running and I are having a true love affair lately. No, we don't make love in the middle of the trail, but we do connect and feel good together. Part of this is that I'm not forcing it - I'm just going with what feels good. It's not all perfect and it's not all fast, but it's working. This is me running. Because you've never seen a picture of me running before.

If we were on our second drink, I would tell you that I love doing hospice volunteer work, but this week it kind of got to me and I just didn't want to be with dying people. As much as it is uplifting to be with Heidi and to make someone feel better, the weight of everything kind of got me down. I know there will be weeks like this. Weeks where witnessing someone suffering in their last days and trying to comfort their loved ones who are watching them dying is just too much. This week was too much. I will take a break next week and come back ready to do the job and to move beyond my own discomfort. It truly is a privilege to be with people and their families in their last days, hours and moments. I hope the same grace will be given to me someday. Wow, that was heavy.

Speaking of taking a break...if we were at happy hour I would tell you I am going to Vegas tomorrow with my two dear friends, Clair and Erika, and there is no better therapy. Well, yes, running is therapy and so is wine -and then there is REAL therapy, but these two girls give me so much. We spoil ourselves staying in a nice suite at the Wynn, laying poolside drinking $20 gin coolers and losing way too much playing blackjack. And, it's one of my favorite times of the year.

On the High Roller above Vegas - 2015, Are my armpits hairy?

If we were ordering a third round I'd tell you that I'm trying to read books because I love books, but I always fall asleep. Maybe I am old. Or maybe I spend too much time at happy hour. Recent books I've read, you ask? You - captivating, somewhat disturbing, When Breath Becomes Air - such a must read - a memoir. Just read it. The Under Ground Railroad - you can guess what this is about. 

If we were finishing our third drink I would probably disclose to you that I've been reading through old journals of mine (like from 8th grade) and I am surprised I've turned out as well as I have. Sample (with my comments in red):

Jan. 18, 1980 (13 years old; almost 14)

"Hi! Have I got a lot to tell you! First - boys- I like Eugene (who names their kid Eugene?) and everyone was telling me he was gonna ask me (ask you what? Why you like him even though his name is Eugene?) which turned out o be a bunch of bullshit (wow, language) cause the next day he ignored me. But meanwhile Thad (we are Facebook friends now) has been giving me all these flattering comments like 'your hair looks good' (which it definitely did NOT look good - I've seen the pictures) which he never does to anyone. So I got the feeling he was gonna as me (ask me what? Where I get my hair cut?) The next day on the bus he came and sat by me and he told me once again my hair looked good (what's with the hair?) he said also he wasn't going to let me get off the bus but he did (I should have filed a restraining order). I know he's gonna ask me! Dammit! (language!)What the hell am I gonna say? I'm not at school today cause I have...ahem..diarrhea GROSS. (Some things definitely don't change)."

So basically when I was 13 going on 14 I was boy crazy, had great hair, had a trash mouth and had diarrhea. Hope that gives you some insight into a younger me.

Well, the bar is shutting down and I've got to go! Nice talking at you. Remember FORD.

Did you keep a journal when you were younger? Do you keep one now? I kept one diligently from the age of 8 (yes!) until about 35. I have volumes. But I don't keep one anymore

Favorite book you've read lately?

What's one thing you would tell me at happy hour?

Vegas - love or hate it? 


Friday, June 16, 2017

Utah Valley Half Marathon Race Report (2017) & My New Swimsuit

I ran a race last weekend, but something tells me it didn't really happen unless I blog about it.

Have you noticed I haven't been blogging as much? I didn't think so. Hard to imagine you don't live and breathe by my blog. Life gets in the way. Like work and teenagers and dogs and cats and running and cleaning up the soy sauce that spilled all over the fridge that no one else seems to want to clean up.

Then there is a part of me that wonders if I've jumped the shark here on this blog (< that's an old expression from Happy Days, which only old people like me know. Click on it if you need to know what it means you young shit).

I mean, I think I've written about every running angle possible on this blog from soiling oneself to Ironman reports to how one's period affects their running. And, I'm not paid to blog. Ad Sense stopped paying me a while ago. I think they thought I was too raunchy. Well, screw them. PENIS! BUTTHOLE! And, I don't love sponsored posts. So, there you have it. I'm blog poor.

But, I hang onto this little corner of the Internet because I like you all - my few readers who have stuck around. I like sharing with you. And I like your comments. And I love to write.

Back to the race report.

Pain you Enjoy. Brilliant.

The folks at the Utah Valley Marathon were kind enough to comp me an entry this year. The race is in Provo (about a half hour south of Salt Lake) and I've never been there, so I envisioned a family road trip (because yes everything has to revolve around my running and racing. Remember who cleaned up the soy sauce you spilled?). We spent a night and day in SLC. We learned a lot about Utah liquor laws. Such as, you can't sit at a bar and have a drink without ordering food.

The second night we stayed in Orem outside of Provo. I ate a grilled cheese and fries from Culver's in the hotel room, drank some wine, put in earplugs and a washcloth over my eyes and promptly went to bed at 8:30 pm while the rest of the family partied (by partied I mean watched The 40 Year Old Virgin and ate Goldfish).

My 3:15 a.m. wake up call sucked (duh) but I am tough and I managed. The way this race works is you get on a school bus in Provo that drives you 13.1 miles to the start line up the Provo Canyon. I love the bus ride because the whole time you get to think about how long it takes to just DRIVE 13.1 miles, let alone run it. I sat on the wheel well of the bus because...well, you know why, it's thrilling. And, the seat beside me was the only empty seat on the bus because I have no friends.

Got the start, in the dark, at 4:45 a.m. and found a spot by a fire. I loved that they had dozens of campfires going because in my mind there is nothing worse than being cold (or not being able to order a beer in a bar without ordering food).

I choked down half of a banana (very hard for me to eat before races), dropped some kids at the pool and seeded myself at the start around the 1:50 pace group. I didn't bring any fuel because the race info said there would be Clif Shot gels at mile 6 (tragic foreshadow) and I usually take in one gel during a half, so perfect. 6:00 a.m. sharp, and we were off.

There's me. Right side. I'm going so fast I'm barely in the picture.

The course was gorgeous as we ran down the canyon, alongside a river. The sun was just starting to come up and temps were in the 50's. I kept thinking what ideal running conditions these were. And downhill to boot!

I was clicking off 8:15 to 8:30 minute miles consistently and my effort felt totally manageable. I was looking forward to a gel at mile 6. But guess what? I got to mile 6 and no gels! I thought maybe they were at mile 8. But guess what? I got to mile 8 and no gels! That's when I knew I'd be running this race on the fueling of a half a banana and some water. Go me!

Proof in case you think I made it up.

The last 4 or so miles are out of the canyon, running on a main street into the center of Provo. I hit the finish in exactly 1:50. Not a PR, but a solid race for me and I felt great. And, hi to Mindy who introduced herself in the last mile as she whipped by me!

About a quarter mile before the finish, I passed an older man who was somewhat slumped over and running at an angle. Some people have odd running styles, so I assumed he was okay. ASS-U-ME. But as I watched my finish line video, I see him come up a few seconds after me and collapse at the finish (in the bright shirt to the right- can't miss him).If anyone knows if he is okay, let me know. I can't stop thinking about him. Look HERE.

Overall, I loved this race. It was very well organized, beautiful and fast. The swag was awesome - we got this running jacket in lieu of ONE MORE race shirt:

My only gripe is the gel thing. It was a good reminder to always have a back up plan when racing. 

Oh, and one last thing - I'm going to Vegas in a couple of weeks and think I might need this suit. Thoughts?

Ever had a race situation where they ran out of water or did not have the fuel stuff you expected?

How much would you have to be paid to wear this suit?


Wednesday, June 7, 2017

This Word Can Change Your Life

Today I was listening to a podcast - Tim Ferriss (one of my most favorite authors and pod casters, and I dare say I would definitely love him in person) was interviewing Phil Keoghan, host of the Amazing Race. At first I was like...meh...not too exciting, but I knew if Tim had that guy on the show - well, he must be something. Because Tim only has people who are influencers - people who can change the way we think and act for the better.

And Phil is something. Damn. Go listen right now.

I haven't quite finished the episode, but one of my take-aways is in regard to optimism.

Optimism. Do you have it?

  1. 1.
    hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something.

Phil talks about how when raising his daughter, one rule was that one could never say, "I can't." One could re-frame it to something else like, "I might be challenged by..." but saying flat out "I can't" was a no-no.

He then goes on to say that his motto is, "Don't think about what you don't have and what you can't do. Think about what you DO have and what you CAN do." This is true optimism in my opinion. When faced with adversity, you problem solve and fight your way out instead of giving in to the negativity.

Needless to say, I was applying this to running in my mind the whole time. MIND and mentality and attitude are everything. When running the Paris Marathon, I simply gave up. That giving up was 100% my mind and not my body. Mind has power. And the focus on what we can do and what we have is everything.

So, as I head into a half marathon in Utah this weekend (Utah Valley Half, anyone?), I'll be remembering to stay optimistic. To train my mind to have confidence and hope for a successful outcome.

Because "can't" is not a word I want in my vocabulary. Or my daughter's.

Running the Bolder Boulder 10K last week. Shirt from Walmart.

My mini me. Also outfitted by Walmart

Are you a glass half full or half empty person?


Monday, June 5, 2017

6 Facts About Running That Will Make You Say, "You're Kidding Me, Right?"

Just like most of us don't want to know the ugly parts about having babies (what? You sometimes shit the table when you push?) or the gross things that can happen to your food in restaurants (wait - there's pubic hair in the deep fryer?), we probably don't want to know the less desirable facts about running. But, trust me, it's not all awful! Maybe it's just a few things that might have you raising your eyebrows because it's new information to you. And then, yes, maybe some of it is disgusting.

Read on.

1. If you are nursing your baby after you run, did you know running can make your breast milk taste sour? That's because that lactic acid stuff can be absorbed into the milk and make it taste down right icky. No wonder your baby cries so much. At least it's not cause he/she hates you - just your sour milk!

2. Scientifically speaking, running really does make you poop your pants. That's because when you run, the blood that normally goes towards digestion instead gets pumped to your muscles. Plus, running jostles your guts and then, well...GRAVITY. So, don't dismay if you soil yourself. It's not ideal, but it's also POL (Part Of Life).

Phew. I made it THIS time.

3. Apparently when you ladies run, your boobs just don't bounce up and down they move in a figure eight pattern. Think about that. I wouldn't know because I am still a member of the IBTC (Itty Bitty Titty Committee) so no figure 8s here.

4. When we run, the human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet. I am not sure how this was discovered, but I'm not going to try it at home.

5. Ever have a metallic taste in your mouth when you finish running? I do. And, it wasn't because I was sucking on keys while I ran. The true reason is that when you push yourself your blood cells can release iron, which tastes like metal. If this happens on occasion or during particularly hard workouts, it's nothing to worry about, but it shouldn't be happening on the regular (so see your doctor! I am not a doctor! I am a social worker! I'd be happy to provide talk therapy about that taste in your mouth, but that's it!)

6. You've just started a run and are feeling on top of the world. Then something happens. Your thighs start itching like hell. No, you don't have crabs/fleas/lice. The itching is related to the fact that when our bodies start to warm up, our arteries and capillaries expand and this causes the itching. Who knew?

Ever have any of these odd things happen to you? 


Friday, May 26, 2017


Happy Friday folks bitches!

Time and Place: 4:24 p.m. At my computer in my home office looking at my dog and counting down 36 minutes until happy hour.

God help my neck

Celebrating: My first in age group (50-59) win at the a 5k in Denver this last weekend. 1st out of 147! This dirty old man was also first in his AG (80+). I call him that because after this picture was taken he told my husband, "All the women think I'm harmless because I'm old, but they really don't know what I'm thinking." Hmmmm..he does appear to be holding onto my waist pretty tight.Then I went home with him (JK).

Loving: These new shoes I bought (Nike Free RN) because I will never have to wear a headlamp again when I run at night.

Drinking: I am trying very hard to drink two 32 ounce bottles of water a day. I never do. I am also trying to drink 2 bottles of wine a night and have success (JK, but I do love my wine).

Snacking: I am becoming a really weird eater. I crave the dumbest shit. Pickles. Edamame. Almonds. No not pregnant, just odd.

Watching: The Bachelorette (Rachel is too good for that show). Better Call Saul. Fargo. The Leftovers. Just finished documentaries - Serving Life and Newtown (sad, sad, sad).

Planning: For the Utah Valley Half Marathon in 2 weeks. I'm signed up for the full but after my Paris experience, f&ck that. I'm just hoping for a dirty old man at the finish. And beer. Is there beer in Utah?

Reading: (Not to be mistaken for the Girl On the Train. I might write a book called the Hussy on the Plane or the Whore on the Bus).

Losing: The big toenail on my left foot.It is gone now. I painted over it. Can you tell? Damn I have the most attractive feet. Something about that long finger toe and those weird crooked toes and that callous on the side. Sexy.

Well, it's now officially 4:51 p.m. so by the time I open the wine it will be 5pm. So, I'm off.

Wait! Check out my Instagram for a video of me dancing. You won't be sorry and you will learn that White Girls CAN Dance. Go HERE.

Tell me on thing you're doing lately!

What are you watching/reading these days?

Next race?

Last time you lost a nail?

How much water/wine do you drink in a day?

Are you pregnant?


Friday, May 19, 2017

What's the Most Random Thing You've Found on a Run?

Yeah, I've been MIA for a couple of weeks. That's because I've being doing really important things like getting the wart on my dog's head frozen off, finishing Shameless (I miss you already Frank) and helping my 19 year old son find a car to buy when he would settle for nothing less than a Crown Victoria, a Lincoln Town Car or something similar. He ended up with a Mercury Grand Marquis. I truly had no idea I gave birth to a grandmother (or a pimp?). He does look cute though:

So what if it's 17 feet long?

This post has been brewing for awhile. During marathon training, I had a lot of time to myself while pounding the pavement to ponder on the really important stuff such as - "Why are there so many mini, empty bottles of Fireball along side the road?"

You know what I mean. As you put one foot in front of the other, maybe you are noticing a trend along the road or trail. Maybe the pattern of the shit you spot on the ground makes you wonder a bit about human nature and why people toss the the things they do. Clearly, alcohol bottles are to hide evidence. I know this because I've watched Cops and other similar shows that basically make me an expert in law enforcement.

Case in point. By far the two things I see the most while running are:

-Empty airplane sized bottles of liquor (Fireball being a favorite)

Image result for empty fireball bottle

-Those flosser things. You know the ones - I think they are called flosser picks

Image result for flossers

I'm pretty sure these things do not go together, unless of course there is a new phenomenon that involves flossing one's teeth, then chugging Fireball like Listerine, then littering. Possible for sure. I know that is what my dentist recommends.

Less common things I've noticed on occasion.
  • Condoms - used or still in the package (making love on the side of the road is romantic)
  • Underwear (understandable, accidents happen in the car)
  • One sock (I don't get it. Unless you're a teenage boy, then I get it)
  • One shoe (there is a ballet flat that has been along side this one stretch of road for awhile)
  • Change (pennies, quarters, etc)
  • Bags of fast food trash (do you think people who eat fast food or more likely to litter? Someone should do a thesis on that)
  • Ponytail holders (totally understandable, they just fall out sometimes)
  • Vomit (very unfortunate if you're an emetophobe like me)
  • Feces - human and otherwise

By far the most random thing I've ever seen while running was...

A live parakeet. I shit you not.
Image result for parakeet

I live in Colorado and as far as I know, parakeets are not indigenous to this part of the world. My guess is this little guy escaped and was just having a little walk in the sunshine before he got eaten by a large hawk or mountain lion.

I have yet to find a dead human body (and I feel cheated because apparently runners are the ones who always find dead bodies), although I have found dead raccoons, cats, squirrels, deer and snakes (I prefer my snakes dead, so that's good).

Stuff on the road tells a story, people! Are you listening?

Enough about me. Tell me what the most random thing is you've found when running?