Saturday, October 31, 2015

My 11 Tips to Having the Most Kick-Ass Long Run

Today I ran 11 miles in 1:38 (8:55 pace). It was pretty damn swell, so I thought I’d give you some tips on how to make your long run swell as well (rhyme!).

1. Drink at least 2 cups of coffee because it boosts performance (or so “they” say – I’m just going with it because I happen to love coffee more than chocolate, but not more than wine). From Runner’s World:


2. Make every effort to poop before you go. If you don’t, there is a 97.3% chance you will have to go on the run or you will be uncomfortable and gassy the whole way. Food for thought: I could only get out rabbit pellets before I went. NG (Not Good).


3. Always plan your route ahead of time, down to the .00001 of a mile. I used Map My Run. Today I thought I would try this route, but then  I got too excited (TWSS).

4. Stop to take pictures of things like pigs and wonder how the hell these sweet, smelly bastards cause cancer (think: bacon).  I think the there is probably not much that smells worse than a pig’s butthole – bacon farts?


5. Also notice Halloween things along the way and photograph the best decoration you see. Then post it on Pinterest and say you made it from scratch.


6. Ask your husband to take a staged picture of you running because you will have to post on Instagram today because that is what runners do. Why else would I run (JK).


7. Never forget to notice the beauty around you unless you live in a really ugly place. In that case I’m sorry. Why do you live there?


8. Try to stop singing the same song in your head for 11 miles. It’s usually the last song you heard on the radio before you started your run. Today I was channeling my inner Taylor Swift: “Say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset, babe. Red lips and rosy cheeks. Say you'll see me again. Even if it's just in your wildest dreams.”

9. Stop and eat a chocolate rage GU because it tastes like a Tootsie Roll and in honor of Halloween you are thinking about Tootsie Rolls all day even though you don’t really like them that much.

10. Try to throw in a fast mile around mile 9 just to see if you can do it. Realize that this makes you much more tired and maybe you should never do that again.

11. Finish kind of strong, but not really. Get a text that is better than sex:


That’s a long run wrap-up! Time to lay around the rest of the day because I already did something productive and no need to over exert myself.

I suppose I can get up off the couch to give out candy. This year we went with the full sized candy bars. You can see how desperately I want kids that I don’t know to like me.


Did you do a long run this week? How far?

What’s your favorite candy? What are you handing out this year? I am not a huge candy lover. But, I’d say Reese's are probably my fave.


Monday, October 26, 2015

7 Reasons I Cannot Stop Talking About Running

There are so many things I LOVE about this short video called “First Person to Run a Marathon Without Talking About It.”

If you haven’t watched it, it is probably worth the two minutes and forty seconds of your life. Basically, it pokes fun at us marathoners who feel the need to constantly discuss the fact that we are training for/running a marathon.

Oh, hey, yeah I can’t go out for drinks tonight. I have my long run in the morning because I am TRAINING FOR A MARATHON!”

I’m sorry I’m kind of out of it today. Did I tell you I’m tired because I’m TRAINING FOR A MARATHON??”

You probably are wondering why I’m shuffling up the steps and am in pain. Did I tell you I RAN A MARATHON THIS WEEKEND??”

Did you notice my new necklace? Yea, that’s actually a medal from when I RAN MY MARATHON LAST WEEKEND!!”

IMG_5271Whaaatt?? It goes with my outfit.

We are all a bit too uptight. We all need to learn to laugh at ourselves and not take ourselves so very seriously. Yes, if we have every training for a marathon or half marathon probably everyone in our lives knows it. And, why not? It’s a huge accomplishment, it requires a crap load of our time and it deserves some bragging rights.

This video could also be called, “She Never Even Put a 26.2 Sticker on Her Car.”

Let’s REALLY break it down. Why do we need to talk of our running so much? Why do we share it all over social media? Why do we blog about it?

Okay, for you .2% who are much better than the rest of us and NEVER discuss your running, this does not apply to you.

I don’t consider myself to OVER share with my running (only with other runners), but I do kind of like to talk about it if someone asks. Here’s what I would tell people who are annoyed by my talk of running (With a small dose of sarcasm. What is there not a sarcasm font?):

1. Just like you enjoy hitting a very small white ball into a very small hole every Sunday and relish in telling me your score (which doesn’t mean anything to me, much like running a sub-3 hour marathon probably means nothing to you), running is my passion, hobby, sanity. Excuse me if it seeps out of my pores sometimes. 

2. Only 1% of the population runs a marathon. That means I am special and strong and need to be acknowledged! Just like someone who visits the moon or meets Taylor Swift or completes the cinnamon challenge! This is life changing and something people should be in awe of!

3. Maybe I have nothing that is worthwhile talking about except training for and running a marathon. Maybe all I do everyday is wake up, eat Cheerios, go to work, eat spaghetti, watch Scandal and go to bed. Maybe running a marathon is ALL THAT I HAVE.

4. Okay, so you might not be a runner, but one of the reasons I talk about my marathon training and running is to find a common ground with other people who ARE runners.

5. My parents are not proud of me and I am still trying to get their approval and attention. Oh,  you know a good therapist? Thanks.

6. My kids are lazy so I hope that by talking about my marathon at dinner, at bedtime, at breakfast and at snack time I will rub off on them and they will be inspired.

7. Truth is, I do not really think I can run 26.2 miles. It’s not natural and it seems deviant. If I tell you I am going to run this far then I better run this far or you will judge me and think I’m weak. Maybe me telling you is so that you will hold me accountable!

That’s all I got.

What would you say to people who think you talk too much about your running? (sarcastic or not).

Has anyone ever told you that you talk about running too much? No, but I can read their minds.


Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Games I Play With Myself and a Giveaway

I came this close (imagine me holding my thumb and index finger about 2 cm apart) to not running today. It was pouring rain and 44 degrees. Wah, Wah. FWP. I was cozy in my house in my PJs, cup of steaming coffee in hand, doing some work. Why go out into the moist (<-hate that word) and chilly universe?

Then I told myself, “Self, you do not have a blog called Shut Up and Be a Pussy When It Is Raining.” (SUABAPWIIR).

I then played that little game where you tell yourself, “Self, if you get out there and after 10 minutes are too miserable to go another step, then come home.” That game always works because with running, once you get going you are only .00001% likely to stop before you meet your goal. Todays goal was 5 miles. Nailed it. And, looked like a movie start while doing it.


Well, maybe a movie star who is perpetually out of work and old with no sense of style. And a very large thumb.

Did you plan to run today? If you did, did you? DID YOU? If not, WHY NOT? If I can run in cold and rain, well…you can get your ass out there too.

Today’s blog post is brought you by new products I am trying/reviewing.

First up. Perfect Bars. I have seen these in the refrigerated section at Costco. I had never experienced a  refrigerated protein bar before. The reason they are refrigerated is that they are made with organic honey (as a preservative) and that needs to be refrigerated. They can last for two weeks without being in the fridge, though.

They are gluten free and organic. And, seriously, they are DELICIOUS. The almond butter one is my favorite. I would absolutely consider buying them now…except that they are more than I typically spend per protein bar (they are $2.50 to $3/bar). Given the ingredients, however, I just might consider the splurge. Try ‘em, see what you think.


Second. Louva Shorties!! You know I love my Louva arms sleeves (review here). Well, they sent me these cute shorties. At first I was like, what the hell are these things? A sock with a hole?  But then I realized that they are kind of a fingerless glove. If you want them to be a full glove, you can just tuck in your fingers. Then they can turn into a wrist band that you can wipe snot on. I have worn these several times on the chilly mornings, like today. And, MSRP is only $8!




Third…coming up soon, a review of the Mizuno Wave Rider 19s with a giveaway of the same shoe. I think these are completely gorgeous shoe porn. Can’t wait to try them. They smell good too.



Want to win a pair of Louva Shorties AND a pair of Louva Armsleeves? Enter below. Winner chosen on 10/28. Must be a US address.a Rafflecopter giveaway


Friday, October 16, 2015

9 Confessions That Capture What It Feels Like to Be a Runner

It’s funny the things people assume about runners. It’s equally funny the things runners assume about other runners. Let’s take a look at the assumptions vs. the realities of our running lives.

1. Assumption:  You love every minute of running and it’s not hard for you.

Confession: I don’t know about you, but running hardly ever feels easy and effortless to me. Even on my “easy” runs I am exerting myself and sometimes counting the miles/minutes until it’s over. Most runners will tell you that this is the case.  Running is tough and sometimes you have runs that simply and honestly SUCK. Just like sometimes you have runs that are amazing and everything falls into place. But, no matter what – it’s never easy.

2. Assumption: You have never crapped your pants while running or come close.

Confession: I know I’m not just speaking for myself here (although it does seem I have more of a pooping/farting issue than most). Running and pooping go together like peanut butter and jelly (for lack of a better comparison). Why? Because when you run your guts get jostled and upset. Your blood goes to your muscles and away from your digestive system and this messes things up, causing the urge to evacuate. For the majority of runners, this can mean sharts, near misses with turds and even a horribly messy accident.


3. Assumption: You can eat whatever you want and not gain weight.

Confession: The funny thing is, many runners actually gain weight while marathon training. There are a number of reasons for this and I wrote an article about it awhile ago. Go HERE to read it. Personally I think one of the main reasons that runners burn so many calories and gain weight or don’t lose weight is that they assume they can eat more than they really can. Running does not give you a license to over-indulge all the time.

4. Assumption: You have a runner’s body.

Confession: Most runners actually do not have the quintessential runner’s body. All you have to do is to spectate at a race to see that this is true. And there appears to be very little correlation between how one looks and how fit and fast one really is. So, the next time you see someone who doesn’t “look” like a runner, don’t assume they won’t kick your ass in a race.

5. Assumption: You love it when people yell, “Run, Forrest, Run!” at you from their cars

Confession: Yelling this is so overdone and stupid. Everyone needs to stop it now.

6. Assumption: All runners want to do a marathon.

Confession: These days it seems like the marathon is the new 10K. It’s almost this crazy expectation that if you run, doing a marathon should be your goal. Sure, many people do have a 26.2 mile race on their bucket list, but many runners actually hate the thought of running that far and have no desire to do it. In fact, many runners don’t even want to run races period. Who cares? Running is running whether you race or not.

7. Assumption: As a runner you wake up at the ass crack of dawn and cannot wait to hit the pavement.

Confession: Bullshit. Maybe it’s just me, but every morning when I wake up I’m tired and don’t  feel like running. Truth. But, every time I get out there I’m so very glad I did.

8. Assumption: All runners have tons of running friends and huge groups they run with and they are all in love with each other and support each other and it’s the best thing ever.

Confession: A lot of people run solo, either by preference or they have no one to run with. I, for example, don’t have a group to run with. I run alone a lot. Sometimes I want a bigger group for camaraderie, but I don’t have it.

9. Assumption: Runners run to lose weight and be fit.

Confession: Sure, that might be one reason for running. But, most runners will tell you they are running to save their lives. They want to be better parents and spouses and running helps with that. They want to remain sober. They want to be less depressed, less stressed. For most of us, running is just as much for mental health as for physical health.


Any other confessions you have?


Sunday, October 11, 2015

RIP Betty Sue

Today we put a dear friend to rest. She never spoke to us except for a high pitched squeak. She ate all our vegetables. She pooped more than is imaginable for a living thing her size (yes, I am jealous of that).

Ken is really broken up about the whole thing (yes, her coffin is a Pearl Izumi shoe box. That can get filed under…You Know You’re a Running Family When…you bury your guinea pig in a running shoe box):


The dead is the famous famous Betty Sue:


I think she might have won the world record for the longest living guinea pig. She was alive for 8 years. I found her in a still, peaceful and very rigid state on Friday. I’ve never found anything dead before and it was a bit traumatizing (actually, that’s not true. I found my dog dead when I was 16 –poisoned to death. Now THAT was traumatizing).

I am glad that the first (second)  time I found something dead it was not a person. Although, did you know that most dead bodies are actually found by runners? Maybe that is an urban legend, but it does seem to happen quite a bit.

At the service in the backyard we all said something:

Me: She was a great guinea pig and a part of our family. She squeaked. We loved that girl.
Emma: What you said.
Ken: She had a good life.
Sam: She was just a guinea pig (he’s 17, can  you tell?)
Heidi: (if she could talk) I cannot wait until you all go inside because I going to dig up and eat that dead rodent.


And now we move on.

This was been a good week of running for me. Until today. I did get kind of greedy with my running and ran 6 times this week. Then on today’s trail run my knee hurt and I deserved it for overdoing it. It’s just that when the body feels good and the weather is perfect, you can’t help yourself. Or, I can’t. And here I was just thinking about how long it is since I’ve been truly injured. It’s been about 3 years. I am proud of that. Gotta keep the streak going.

Monday: 4 miles, road
Tuesday: Off
Wednesday: 6.8 miles, road
Thursday: 6 miles, trail
Friday: 3 miles, road
Saturday: 7 miles trail
Sunday: 8 miles trail

Total: 34.8 miles.

Trails are the best:


Today was windy. I was trying to be all hip wearing my visor backwards (could not keep it on in the wind):


I still don’t know what I’m training for. Oh that’s right. I am training for life! For my health! So that I can eat whatever I want! For happy hour! So my legs don’t turn into cottage cheese!

Oh, and I forgot to tell you that last night was Homecoming. Sam’s final high school HC and Emma’s first.

Sam will be 18 in two weeks. When I started this blog, he was 12. TWELVE. Now he is a man-boy who shaves and does other things that some moms don’t want to know about. Damn he’s cute.


The lovely Emma. When I started this blog, she was 8 years old. EIGHT. Now she looks like this. Stunning and radiant.


I keep telling myself, when I get all sentimental and woe-is-me-my-children-are-getting-big-and-independent-and-don’t-tell-me-anything –anymore, that this is what they are supposed to do. They are supposed to fly away from you and you are supposed to cry while they smile, hug you and turn around. If you have done your job as a parent, then they are confident to leave you and to embrace the world ahead.

And when they leave, hopefully you love your spouse enough to be look at him/her and say, “Hey, it’s just us now, let’s go have fun.”

Ideal world.

How was your weekend?

Have you ever found anything dead? What/where?

Did you race this weekend? There were a crapload of marathons and some little triathlon in Kona.

When was the last time you were injured?


Monday, October 5, 2015

The Things Girls Do

Every year (and sometimes more than once per year) two of my best girlfriends (Julie/Erika) and I take a getaway up to Frisco, Colorado - elevation: 9,042 feet . It is time for doing many things that I don’t suppose men do on their guys’ weekends.

Giving back massages, combing each other’s hair, eating some kind of stinky cheese and fancy crackers, drinking expensive wine ($10/bottle is expensive in my book), wearing bikinis in the hot tub.

Truth: There is always a bit of unintended farting that goes on (okay, this is the one thing that is for sure a part of guys’ weekends) mostly because the food and drink is so rich we all inevitably end up with stomach aches and the need to release some air. You may think I am the worst offender, but you would be wrong. You should meet my friends. Especially one in particular I will not name.

Some people think most girls don’t fart but I am hear to say that statistics show the average person (male or female) farts 14 times per day. So, I call bullshit when these dainty little specimens of women say, “Oh, no. I never pass gas.” They are liars. All of them. Either that or they are going to explode any minute.

Anyway, by 3pm we were mixing up these babies.


Caramel Apple Sangria. I was destined to have this drink this weekend because on Friday night the woman in the kitchen section of Lowe’s (we are getting new counter tops!) told me about how she and a friend from the Blinds Department went to a cabin in the mountain and made these. Then, the next day the recipe popped up first in my Facebook feed and the rest was history. I just wish I had a friend from the Blinds Department. She sounds like fun. I wonder if she is deaf as well.


The recipe is HERE.  You must make it immediately. Why are you still reading this blog? We used salted caramel vodka, which I could easily just sit around and drink straight.

We drank these then moved onto straight wine. We ate Tallegio cheese from France and when we opened it Julie thought I farted. That’s how bad it smells. But, it tastes very very good.


We put on comfy clothes and at by the outside fireplace for hours. We had Stouffer’s Meat Lasagna (which Ken equate with having diarrhea –> I did not mean this post to be all about bodily functions, but it is ending up that way, obviously).


The next morning Julie and I took an awesome 6 mile trail run, which included running much of the perimeter of Lake Dillon. I was horrible about taking pictures this weekend, but here is the lake (it really is an eyesore):

Julie lives up in Breckenridge so she prances around running up hills like no one’s business, while I sucked air and begged for more oxygen.

That made 31 miles for me for this week.  I don’t know what I am doing because I am not training for anything, so I am just running as much as I can.

I got home and made this incredible stir fry to counter act the Stouffer’s Lasagna:


And, I must confess I watched this show because I used to be the hugest Beverly Hills 9021o fan. It was awful in the best way possible.


This had to be about the perfect weekend. Friends, running, wine, farts, 90210.

What is your favorite TV show of all time? AHHHH. There are so many. Love Boat, 90210, NYPD Blue, Survivor, Homeland, Walking Dead, Friday Night Lights.

Last time you went on a girls’ or guys’ weekend? Vegas this summer.