Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Are You Too Hard on Yourself?

My best friend, Anon Y. Mous, left a comment on my blog. It was in response to my last post when I talked about how humbling it is to start marathon training because you realize how tough it is. He/she/it let me know that I should give myself a break, but that I probably won’t because I am way too hard on myself.

It’s a valid point. So, thank you, Mr. or Ms. Mous.

This got me thinking (never a bad thing for a blonde). I am supposing that a significant majority of the people who run marathons are probably over-achievers. That they probably push themselves harder than anyone else pushes them. That they expect a great deal from themselves and don’t cut themselves a break very often.

Check. Check. Check.

I do all of these things. Do you think it’s possible to not be hard on yourself and to train for and run a marathon? Because I don’t. I think if you are going to struggle through long runs, if you are going to sweat through speed work and if you are going to put in the endless hours it takes to get to the start line, being a bit hard on yourself is part of the process. In a weird way it becomes your motivation.

This doesn’t mean you kill yourself or that you fail to recognize your achievements. It also doesn't mean that you minimize how extraneous circumstances such as weather, amount of sleep, and stress affect your performance. I think that was Mr./Ms. Mous’s point. If you are running into a 50 mph head wind or you’ve just thrown up on the side of the road, you might want to cut yourself some slack.

Or, maybe it’s just me and I have a problem. At least I can laugh at myself when I crap my pants or poop inside a tree. Here’s where I left a gift:


As a runner, are you too hard on yourself?

Last chance to enter the GIVEAWAY!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Greece Lightening

Most of you know I lived in Athens, Greece while going to high school. I shove that bit of trivia down your throat every chance I get. I love that place. Today there was a huge storm in Athens, and this photo was taken:


Doesn’t even look real, huh?

While the Parthenon was getting struck by lightening bolts, I kicked off my 16 week marathon training with a big, crappy tempo run. When I have lousy runs I like to blame it on things other than my fitness level. For example, I ran at 7:45 a.m. and it was almost 80 degrees. Certainly this had an impact. I also ran with my ass aching. 80 degrees + ass aching = big, crappy run. Good news is I did not crap on this run.

The reality is, however, that my fitness is the problem. While I’ve kept up with my running since my last marathon in May, I haven’t done any speed work and my body forgot how. Today’s tempo was supposed to be:

2 miles easy, 2 miles tempo (@7:54) and 2 miles easy. What is easy, you ask? Probably about a 9 min/mile I’d guess.

I was all over the place:

Mile 1: 8:32 – WTF? This is supposed to be my warm up mile. Slow the heck down. I stopped to stretch the ass.

Mile 2: 8:28 – Again, too fast for being “easy.”

Mile 3: 7:30 – I am all over the place. This was supposed to be 7:54. No wonder I am gasping and dying.

Mile 4: 8:13 – Slower than tempo. Shit.

Mile 5: 9:05 – Really tired and hot by now.

Mile 6: 9:15 – Total degradation. Couldn’t have run much further today.

End result = 6 miles/51:09/8:31 avg.

Here’s what I know. Starting off marathon training is mentally tough. Humbling is the correct word. You know you have many strenuous weeks ahead. You stare at your training schedule with all of its boxes and paces and long run mileages and feel tired. You fear injury. You have goals and question if you can meet them.  If you have my brain, you are thinking, “Wow. Just six weeks ago I ran 26.2 miles with an 8:28 average. Today I can barely run 6 miles at an 8:30.” Basically, despite any excitement you might have about getting started, you get psyched out.

Running is an interesting thing. While we can increase our endurance by leaps and bounds and even train our bodies to go faster, we can quickly lose these benefits just as fast as we gained them. With running there are days when you feel like you are flying and days when you feel like your legs just won’t go. Or you can’t breathe. Or you don’t feel like running.  Sometimes it’s impossible to know why the good days are good and why the bad days are bad. We try to dissect all the pieces to learn how to repeat what we did when the run was strong, but it doesn’t always work that way.

One thing I am learning about starting a training plan is  that confidence is essential. Confidence that your fitness will return. Confidence that your body will adapt. Confidence that when race day comes you will be ready for the challenge. Even when your ass hurts.

Tomorrow I take the day off to get my butt massaged. I happen to like that very much.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Pain in the Butt

I love it when people are being interviewed about marathons and triathlons and such, but they are not triathletes or runners themselves. Sometimes you get the best bloopers.

For example, some chick from O, the Oprah Magazine was talking to Natalie Morales on the Today Show this past week. Anyone see this? I forget what the subject was, but they started talking about the Ironman. The woman being interviewed said (very knowingly), “The Ironman is a very long race and you don’t have to make that your first triathlon (duh). It is a 24 mile swim…a 112 mile bike…and a marathon.”

Whoa. Back up there sister. Did she just say 24 mile swim? That’s like from Los Angeles to Honolulu. Well, not really, but you get the point.

Fortunately, Natalie quickly put her in her place, advising her it was a 2.4 mile swim…Guess that teleprompter forgot the decimal point.

Speaking of 24 mile swims, Emma and I ran the Run for the Congo Women this morning in Denver. It was a perfect running morning with the temp at about 60 degrees, the skies blue. The race organizers did an amazing job of educating the runners about the cause at hand, and for nine year old Emma, this was very eye opening. They had a pastor on site who said a small prayer at the beginning of the race – something that would appeal to everyone about loving and enjoying life. Emma told me, “I said my own prayer to the women who are hurting. I said that I loved them.” She makes me cry sometimes.

The run started well enough. Emma had high hopes for her time as she had just run a 10K last month in 1:07. She thought maybe she could pull out a 30 minute 5K. We busted that wide open when at mile .5 she had a stitch in her side, she was tired, she needed water, her foot hurt, her leg ached, she felt like a loser. Have you ever run with a nine year old? There are good days and bad days. Just like all of us runners have. It was my job to pump her up and remind her that we were just out to be together on a  beautiful day and to support a great cause.  And, I meant it.

We ran, we walked, we drank water. Mile 2 had Emma starting to whine and while I had been the patient mom up until now I wasn’t going to take no whining. I shut her up quick with some stern mom talk. She finished strong in 38 minutes. No PR today for her. But for me? Finally I broke a 40 min 5K! :)

Surprisingly, she won first in her 12 and under age group (comprised of five girls). That shut her up for good.

Me with two Congolese women:

runforcongo And Emma:



We’ve decided to sponsor a woman in the Congo through Women for Women International. $27 per month goes towards helping a woman obtain career counseling, provide her family with basic necessities, pay for her children to attend school, etc. You exchange letters with this woman and learn about her journey. Should be a good family experience.

On a closing note, my ass hurts. I think it’s the old piriformis. Pain in the butt. I’m icing, rolling, stretching. I’ll take tomorrow off in preparation for a tempo run on Tuesday to kick off 16 weeks of marathon training.

Kiss my piriformis! Just doesn’t have the same ring as kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. (What movie is that from??). I’ll swim 24 miles if you tell me.

Don’t forget my giveaway HERE!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Run for Congo Women and Skirt Chaser 5K

I haven’t talked about running recently in my posts, mostly because there’s been too much else going on that deserved attention like jumping out of airplanes, my sweaty crack and my dog licking himself. Never fear – always assume I am running.  Running is as much a part of my life as coffee and wine and cleaning someone’s skid mark out of the toilet. Because there is always either a skid mark or a clogged toilet!  Is it just my house?

For those who are yearning to know more specifics about my running journey, here’s what’s shaking in bullet points:

  • Tomorrow Emma (9) and I are running the Run for Congo Women in Denver (5K). Ever heard of this race? It benefits the women of the Congo who have suffered for the past 20 years due to the effects of war. 5.4 million people have died, nearly half of those under the age of 5.  Women in the Congo carry the heaviest of burdens. They have been gang raped and  tortured. They have watched their husbands and children murdered in front of them. They have been forced to flee their homes. Many have watched two, four, even seven children die from preventable illnesses. The proceeds from these races go directly to the women to help them rebuild their lives. There are races in 11 cities around the U.S. and in London. If there is one near you RUN IT. Every little bit helps.
  • I was offered a job as the logistical coordinator for the Skirt Chaser 5K on August 28 in Denver. I even get paid enough to support my Starbuck’s and toilet paper habits. Basically this means recruiting volunteers and running most of the show on race day. The Skirt Chaser is put on by Skirt Sports and Red Rock Co. out of Arizona. The race is at 5pm and there’s a big happy hour with lots of beer afterwards. I might get drunk and dance in just my skirt. About 1,500 people run it. They start out the women 3 minutes before the men. The men chase down the women. Kind of creepy. Winner gets $500.
  • If you are or will be in the Denver area and want to volunteer, CONTACT ME at You will get a free running skirt (or a t-shirt if you’re a guy), beer and food. I need you!! Plus, I’d like to meet you.
  • I am officially certified as a RRCA running coach as of June 23, 2010!! If you want to run your first 5K or marathon and need hands on or remote coaching, I’m your woman!
  • 16 weeks of marathon training for the Denver Rock ‘n’ Roll on October 17 begins Monday. This is the first time I created my own training plan. It’s full of lots of fun things like Yassos, tempos, and long runs. Of course I'd like to beat my PR of 3:42, but am not completely confident this will happen. My training paces would be consistent with running at 3:38, but that is probably a distant pipe dream. Who knows?

I told you running was at the center of my universe. I read, work, eat, dream running. I’m sure you do, too.

After my post on work at home perks, some of you asked what my job is. I have my MSW and work as an independent contractor for social services. I do home studies on families who want to adopt or provide foster care for children who have been removed from their homes. I’ve been doing this for 12 years. It’s a pretty good fit for someone like me who loves writing, interacting with people, and helping kids in whatever way I can. Plus it affords me lots of time with my own babies (who are now 9 & 12).

Don’t forget about my awesome giveaway!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Silver Maple Giveaway!

By now you know I’m not your ordinary chick. I get bats stuck in my crotch, I jump into icy waters in January, and I crap in the strangest of places while I run.

I like to think of myself as unique instead of crude or odd.

And, I like unique things.

That’s why when Tara sent me this prior to my marathon, I melted:


Colorado Marathon 5.9.10

It’s from Silver Maple Jewelry. Jacque, who runs the show over there and happens to be super cool, has been generous enough to offer up a $40 gift certificate to one lucky reader. Silver Maple offers some of the most unique, custom-made jewelry I have ever seen.

Silver Maple uses sterling silver and copper in their creations. Many of their pieces are hand-cut and filed from a sheet of metal for a one-of-a-kind design. By hand, they stamp, distress, brush, and polish each piece to provide a vintage-inspired look. The outcome? A gorgeous, tasteful and unique work of art.

To enter:

  • Visit Silver Maple Jewelry HERE.  Browse around, scratch yourself, have a drink and leave a comment letting me know what you would buy with your $40 gift certificate: + 1 entry
  • Post this giveaway on your blog with a link to my site: +1

Be sure to leave a comment for each entry!

I’ll announce a random winner a week from today – on July 1, 2010.

In the meantime, when you visit the site and decide to buy something, enter the coupon code “ShutUpAndRun” at checkout and you’ll receive 20% off. It’s good through July 4th.

Happy shopping and good luck!!

Silver Maple gave me this gift certificate free of charge as a giveaway. I paid nothing for it.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Perks of Working from Home

It’s bike to work day so I’m going to bring my bike into the house and ride from the kitchen to this computer. In my PJs.

Ken did ride his bike. 17 miles into Boulder. Stud.

I love working from home. I’ve been doing it since Sam was born – over 12 years. It lets me be professional and really stupid all at the same time.

Most days I can be found at the computer writing really important things while I watch Lucky lick himself. You don’t get that in an office unless your boss’ name is Lucky and he is the most fortunate man in the world.

Here are other things I do whilst working in my home office that I might forgo in a cubicle in a real office setting:

  • I sit around in my disgusting running clothes after a particularly hot and sweaty run. I don’t even want to know what germs and smells my office chair harbors
  • I fart and lots of them. No need to take a class in fancy fart concealment:

  • I make and take personal phone calls galore during which I use bad words. Lots of them.
  • It is casual Friday everyday in my office. Clothing is optional especially when the running clothes get too gross. Again, If my chair could talk it would say “eff you, smelly girl.
  • If I feel the need for that nooner beer, no one judges me.
  • I can pick and scratch parts I wouldn’t in public.
  • Need a Cheez-It or 105 of them? I’ve got my own personal vending machine right in the pantry.
  • There are no anonymous crap takers in my bathroom. Any stench is my own.
  • Coffee breaks? Constantly. Interruptions to read your blogs? All day long.

P1060900 View from my desk. A rare non-licking moment. Don’t get all flattered. He’s not winking at you. He had his eye removed. Seriously, do you not remember anything I’ve told you???

It’s true that sometimes I miss the camaraderie of being in an office. I’ve met some of my best friends in that setting. But I get too distracted with all the pranks I need to play. Ex-Lax in muffins. Breast milk in the half and half container. You get the picture.

What’s the view from your desk?  Or…What’s your best work-at- home perk? If you don’t work at home, what do you wish you could do at work but can’t?

Monday, June 21, 2010

Summertime Product Review: SCAPE Sunscreen

Three. That’s the total number of followers I lost this weekend. Was it something I said? Do you not like bats? Did I say the word crotch too many times? Maybe you moved to Siberia and cancelled your account. Maybe you were so addicted to my blog, you though it best to cut me out cold turkey.

Whatever the reason I am going to beat myself up about it all day. I don’t like to lose you. Any of you.

On to a review.

SCAPE Sunscreen

Those dudes as ScapeLabs, makers of the ultimate athlete sun block, sent me some sunscreen to try out: SPF 50 sun block, lip balm and a face stick.


I’m going to be honest here. To me, sunscreen is sunscreen. As long as I get a good SPF, I’m golden. I never really thought about one product being superior to another. In my younger years I used baby oil and that seemed to work just fine to get me my base burn for the summer. Once I peeled off those layers of dead skin and melanoma, I was ready for some serious tanning.

I’ve matured in my later years and have slowly progressed from Hawaiian Tropic Oil to SPF 4 and now I’m sitting at SPF 50. I like my SPF rating to be close to my age. If they had SPF 43 I would get it in a heartbeat

The Scape products came just in time for my triathlon. Handy because I would be needy something water proof and this stuff is apparently 5 times more waterproof than anything on the market. I slathered this stuff on like no one’s business. And guess what? It did not run in my eyes, even after taking off my goggles and getting out of the pool. Just like they promised!! As for protecting from the sun, it did a great job of that too.

By far my favorite is the lip balm. Do you know how hard it is to find lip balm in an SPF 50? You don’t know this about me, but back in the 9o’s I contracted a nasty case of Herpes Simplex. The kind on your lips, not the other. Basically it’s just a glorified name for ugly cold sores that take two weeks to go away and make you look like a freak. Nowadays, I have to be use major SPF on the lips or I get a crusty breakout (nice visual, eh?). I make my kids wear it too. They loved the Scape because it goes on smoothly and tastes like lemonade. It’s my new favorite balm.

As for the face stick – this stuff is ultra convenient, again the kids loved it. It goes on smooth and evenly and comes in very handy when I’m in a hurry to just get some stuff on my face.

Coolest thing of all about this product (and something lots of other sun blocks cannot boast): it is made to last all day, through swimming and sweat, with no need to re-apply.

Now for the bottom line: cost.

4 oz bottle sun block = $14.99

Lip balm: $3.50

Face stick: $11.99

This price is right on par with other higher end sunscreens such as Neutrogena. The fact that you don’t have to reapply is a bonus and a money saver. If you really count your cents, however, there are much cheaper options out there like Bullfrog and Coppertone. But, do keep in mind the reapplication factor.

Scape can be purchased at

I’d give this one a thumb’s up in terms of ease of use, product quality and product benefits .  On the downside, it is costly, especially when you factor in shipping.   While I might not buy the sunscreen due to cost, I’m all over the lip balm at $3.50 a shot!


Scape sent me these products for free for me to try and to review. I paid nothing for them.

Friday, June 18, 2010

I Can’t Take Anymore Surprises

I had two surprises on my 15th wedding anniversary.

No, neither involved getting my cherry popped. That is so yesterday.

Surprise #1: Flying High

We don’t always get gifts for each other, and this year I was at a total loss. 15 years is crystal and watches. Ken’s not a crystal kind of guy (candy dish anyone?) and he just got a new Garmin. I thought I might get us some Cristal champagne (get it?) because Jay Z and I are tight and I do whatever he does. But did you know that stuff is $250? That’s like $10 a sip, and I only pay that for chocolate soda.

So, I settled on getting Ken…nothing. Except a mushy card that made me cry.

He, however, brought out the big guns. I knew it had to be a major deal because he told Sam to get ready with the camera. He handed me the cutest card:


(I told you we were all about the farts around here…)

Then I pulled out of the envelope….certificates for Ken and I to go skydiving. No shit. I almost threw up. I’ve talked lots of smack about wanting to skydive, but I hate to fly and I hate heights and I don’t want to orphan my children and why jump out of a perfectly good airplane??? But Ken said we have to do it, so we will. I do what he tells me. We’ll each tandem with an instructor who probably doesn’t want to die, so we should be safe. Ken has arranged for me to be videotaped while falling to my death. It should be fun to see how I look shitting myself in the air as opposed to while running.

Sam was supposed to take my “I can’t believe it” picture when I opened the envelope, but he had it on video instead, so you get this:

Surprise #2: A Visitor For Dinner

After the skydiving shock, we headed out for a late dinner. I needed a drink just to entertain the idea of jumping out of a plane at 12,500 feet.

We sat on the patio, enjoying a drink and trying to figure out of the host(ess) was a man or woman staring lovingly into each other's eyes, when I was felt something on my leg. Then I felt something in my lap. I looked down to see my napkin fluttering. Something was under it. And it wasn’t Ken feeling me up on our anniversary. I screamed and threw the napkin on the patio. “There is something alive on me!! I think it’s a bird!” By this time I was standing up, hyperventilating. Ken then said, “No it’s a BAT!” Yes, friends for a brief moment in time I had a bat on my lap, dangerously close to my crotch. Bats suck. They are eerie and elusive and rabid and icky.

As Ken and I were jumping around the patio, the busboy came out to try to capture the thing, which was fluttering all over the place (clearly trying to get back to my crotch). Every time the bat jumped, the busboy jumped. I could hear him coaching himself under his breath, “You’re okay. It’s only a bat. You can do this.” Meanwhile, Ken asked if I wanted to move inside, but being the practical person I am, I said no. I mean what are the chances of that ever happening again my lifetime, much less during this dinner? Holy shit. You could travel to Africa for two weeks and never so much as get bitten by a tse tse fly. But, go to some fancy patio on your anniversary and poof! Bat in crotch.

To say the least it was a memorable time.

Now, we have to think about this jump. Would you do it?

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Fifteen Years…

Today I have been married for fifteen years. On this day, back in ‘95, I made a really good decision (to stuff cake in Ken’s face).


Fifteen years, friends!! Some people don’t even stay together for fifteen minutes unless the sex is really good, of course.

Number of addresses: 7

I won’t lie. We have a great marriage (maybe you should read Ken’s blog to see if he agrees. Oh yeah, he doesn’t have a blog). I don’t think there’s any specific secret to marital success, but I’m convinced a couple things have gotten us through:

  • Constant humor found in farting and pretty much anything crude (ever seen Tosh.O?)
  • Playfulness
  • Mutual respect
  • Being kind to each other
  • Sharing activities like running, biking and drinking beer at the bar
  • Me = controlling; Him = laid back
  • Great parental role models (both sets of parents have been married over 45 years). I believe that witnessing our parent’s commitments to one another through thick and thin has been a good example. Lord knows we’ve had our thin times. Not to say that if your parents didn’t stay together you’re doomed. I simply have appreciated and been inspired by their longevity.

Number of cars: 6

Here are my parents at our wedding (and my all time favorite picture). Just look at Jim and Sue!!!:


Number of moves cross country (VA –> CO): 1

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not all perfect. For example, there was that Dutch Oven back in ‘98 that about killed me.

But, it’s the closest I’ll get to perfect in this lifetime.

Number of times we’ve been apart for more than 5 days: 2

As for Ken, he’s sweating bullets knowing he’ll be married to this hag in the future (thanks to my son and Aging Booth):


 Number of mattresses: 3

And as for me, I’m going to keep running so he doesn’t have to live with this next year (thanks to my son and Fat Booth):


Number of days together before we hit the fart stage: 7

But really, I hope it just stays like this:


Here’s to fifteen more!!!!

What’s your secret to a lasting relationship?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I Spy

I’m back. And I’m not going to go on anymore about how excruciatingly hot it is in Florida and how hard it is to run in the humidity and how I sweated in places I didn’t know I could sweat and how the trip constipated me. No more of that kind of talk. I’m moving on. But, if there was one picture to describe running in a 105 degree heat index it would be this:


Yes, running in that stuff made me especially ugly, deformed and stoned. Not to mention damp. One morning I came in from a run and my father in law looked at me and said, “My, you look kind of flushed. What’s wrong?”

What’s wrong?? Your daughter-in-law is so greasy she could get a job at the cinema - buttering popcorn with her leg hair.

That was dumb. 

My in laws are the people who play 18 holes golf at 1pm each day. All summer long. They are tougher, stronger and better than me. All of those seniors are.

When I got off the plane in Denver last night at about 7pm the angels were singing. The cool and dry Rocky Mountain breeze soothed my soul. I slept with the windows open and got kind of chilled.

Life returns to normal.

Do you ever play I Spy on trips?

I spied something with my eye beginning with the letter “H”. Hideous pair of shorts:


I’m not sure who this guy is or where he bought his loafers and shorts, but he’s one brave octogenarian. Take a closer look:


I haven’t seen those colors together since I had orange/raspberry sherbet in first grade.

I ran 24 miles while in Florida. Not bad for a vacation. In ten days I start training for the Rock ‘n Roll Denver Marathon on October 17.  Since I am now certified as a running coach, I will be coaching myself. Which is what I always do anyway because I don’t like listening to anyone but myself.

So far my race plans for the summer include only a couple of 5Ks and the Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half in August.  Think I need to add a couple more races in there.

How much do you race as part of your training for a half, full or ultra marathon?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Drinking and Pooping

Wow. I didn't realize to what extent I would shock the blogland with my admission that I was constipated. It seems that this rocked everyone's world. "She's constipated?" they all thought with consternation. "But, she craps herself unwillingly on runs almost daily. All is not right with the world."

Since I talked about my inability to relieve myself of the 'brown baby', I have had two more dumping incidents. One at the Green Turtle bar and one in my hotel room the morning after three glasses of wine and some greasy pizza. That seemed to get things moving. Obviously the key to relieving constipation while travelling is drinking a lot of alcohol and ingesting loads of oil.

In the spirit of all of this poop talk, I have a sweet video to share with you. This one was brought to my attention by Misszippy. While I certainly don't want to condone drinking and driving, especially with a child in the car (loser!), this news story has an extra special twist to it. Let's just say if I did drink and drive, this is probably what would happen to me. Please, if nothing else, listen for the quote around the 43 second mark. Priceless.

"I pooped my pants. I ate too much corn."

That is perhaps the simplest and most basic quote ever given to a police officer. I bet those cops are all sitting around eating donuts still talking about "corn girl."

We return to Colorado tonight. I think I will finally be able to breathe again. I had my last sweaty crack run this morning. So long humidity. You are a bitch.

PS: Check out a great giveaway by the Happy Runner: Hal Higdon's newest book Marthon: A Novel.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


I am in Amelia Island, FL, just about at the Georgia border. Everyone is full of ya'alls and ma'ams. Good ole Southern drawl. There is a slick car in the parking lot with two cursive names painted on the side: Deshay and Selena. Guess how long it took me to figure out who Deshay was? Like one minute. The dude strolls around and is a badass with gold crowns. I'm hoping he'll take a run with me tomorrow.

Speaking of runs. Worst. run. ever this morning. Ken and I thought if we hit the beach by 7am to run six miles, we'd beat some of the heat. No. The heat beat the crap out of us. Literally. At mile three we turned around and we were sucking air big time, gallons of sweat coming off our heads. By mile 3.5 I had to stop, take my shoes off and jump in the water in my running clothes. It was the longest six miles of my life. 90% humidity, no breeze, about 90 degrees. It is 7am. Someone tell Florida it is 7am. It should never be that hot at 7am anywhere.

I was just at the pool eavesdropping on two pimply teenage boys talking some smack:

Boy 1: Yeah, well once we stayed in the penthouse at a hotel and it was really expensive and cool.

Boy 2: Oh that's nothing. We stayed at the best room at the Ritz. It was $25,000 a night, so we only stayed two nights. We had like room service and shit. I can of soda was $50.

Boy 1: $50? Shit man. You got ripped off.

Boy 2: But it was like chocolate soda and shit. Not just plain soda.

Boy 1: Oh, chocolate soda. I don't know about that. Have you ever tried caviar?

Boy 2: Yeah all the time. I'm not into it.

Boy 1: Oh and one time we were on our boat 20 miles off the coast and got stuck and it cost $65,000 to get pulled out.

Boy 2: No, I bet it was like $75,000...

I guess this is the 14 year old version of my dick is bigger than yours.

Did I mention we are staying at the Marriott? Don't you think these silver spoon mama's boys should be hamming it up at the Ritz? It's right down the street.

Now for the big question. Do you get constipated when you travel? I do. Everytime. I've only taken two moderate dumps since Wednesday. I know. I learned a new German word today to describe my condition: Farfrompoopin.
  • Two dumps in four days
  • Four runs in five days

Those are my stats.

See you back in Colorado...

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Healthy Eating Giveaway Winner!

It was a terribly hard decision who should win the best healthy eating giveaway. You guys really tore it up. There were so many great comments and stories from childhood. I learned that many of you ate like shit when you were little, mostly because that’s what was modeled for you. Good for you for turning it around! I also learned some great new recipe tips including microwave popcorn, muffins with pureed baby food, and brownies with zucchini.

As a side story, this weekend my son spent the day and night with a friend. It was busy, so they ate Carl’s Jr. for lunch, Dairy Queen for a snack and KFC for dinner. We never, and I mean never, eat fast food. Sam came home and spent a really long time in the bathroom. His little system is more used to turkey lettuce wraps than a double western half pounder. I bet he took seven dumps that day. At least they slid out.

So…the winner of the giveaway…I’d have to give it to Joe from Joe the Runner who said:

Oh where to start. First thanks for giving me the confidence to openly talk about my poopscapades encountered during my marathons. Second, thanks for the laughs - I really enjoy reading your stuff and it seems I am not alone.

I grew up eating at the concession stand at the ballpark, Pizza Inn, or spaghettios. As a result I was a fat kid. The influence is simple - Now that I am the Dad I get to be the boss and my kids will never, ever, eat the way I did growing up. If I am in the kitchen, which is nearly every night cause I love to cook, my daughter is on the counter with me (she's four). She is involved in our healthy cooking and she and I love it! Mom gets a break and we all get a healthy dinner. Ironic part is we made falafel and organic hummus last night.

So my healthy cooking tip for you: Make it fun and you'll stick with it involve your kids so you can pass it on.

I love how he involves his kids in healthy cooking. May they grow up with the ability to make healthy choices for themselves. As for cooking with his four year old daughter on the counter, there is nothing cuter than a dad and his baby girl. Thanks Joe! Email me your address and I’ll send you your goodies!!

More from hot sweaty crack Florida soon!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Old Hag

You probably feel like you know my son, Sam, and how precocious he is from reading this blog. The kid doesn’t miss a beat. Today he got a new app for his iTouch. Basically it edits pictures of people and makes them look much older. He sent this to me with the caption: “Time goes by…”


Oh my lord. Really? Who knew wrinkle lines could go over your hair?

As I age I am apparently going to morph into a homeless, meth-using hag. I wonder if I have teeth. See what I have to live with?  You don’t even want to see the picture from the app he got that makes people really fat. Ugh. It’s a great motivator to keep running.

If you want to get morphed, email me your pictures and we’ll transform you into an old hag as well. Maybe you’ll get a discount at Country Buffet.

Monday, June 7, 2010

It’s a Sad Thing

Today I took a recovery run. I was feeling sluggish and hot. Not hot as in sexy and vivacious, but hot like my crack was sweating. 5.4 miles in 48:56 (9:04 avg). I don’t usually tell you about all my measly runs (unless they’re the “runs” that require a porta potty, then I share), but today’s run stood out.

I’ve said before one of my favorite places to run is at a local lake:


Best setting ever, huh? You run along a path, most of it trail and it’s a 3.4 mile loop. From my house and around is 5.4 miles. Perfect.

So, get this. On Friday night a woman hung herself in one of the parks by the lake. I’ve run by this park hundreds of times. In fact, my daughter’s soccer team just had their picnic there. Very eerie and upsetting.

Running by the park today I found myself sadly wondering why and how she did it. I shivered as I thought of her just hanging there, dead. You start getting really introspective about why people take their own lives. All of the whys.

I was reminded of when I was ten years old and two people shot themselves behind my house at my favorite little park. I never felt the same about that place and you could see the blood stains for weeks. Kind of traumatic for a ten year old.

I don’t know the back-story on this poor woman by the lake. I do know that the two that committed suicide behind my house were teenagers who were in love but their parents didn’t want them together. They had decided they would either run away or kill themselves. You just wish you had had the chance to see those two in the grocery store that day and  had been able to have a conversation. Would it have made a difference? Who knows. We never know how the things we do and say can affect people.

Having had times of depression in my own life (short lived thank god), I know how it is difficult to see your way out of a bad spot. How it all looks hopeless and you’re not sure it will ever get better. How you aren’t sure where to turn. The important thing is that you do turn. That you let someone in. If you can. That you have faith in things passing and improving.

So, today I felt really sad and kind of creeped-out as I ran by that park. I had been dreading going near there, but am glad I did. I felt awful for those left behind and how they might blame themselves. I hope they can find peace.

Tomorrow we leave for Florida for a week. Ken’s parents live in Dade City, which is about an hour north of Tampa. Hopefully I’ll be able to do some humid blogging from there. How do you guys run in that stuff?

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Longmont Triathlon Race Report

It could’ve been worse. And, it could’ve been better.

I will give you my results first, but only if you promise to read this entire race report. It involves dumps and head wounds and all kinds of mishaps.

525 yd. swim – 12 mile bike – 5K


8th out of 30 in 40-44 age division

32nd woman out of 147

I seriously could not have pushed more in any of the events. However

  • My transition times sucked (this is where my tri-virginity really reared its ugly head)
  • My chain fell off about 1/4 mile into the bike – total time sucker
  • I went the wrong way when I started the bike, thus adding to transition time (tri-virginity at play again)

I always say this and I’ll say it again. Anyone who does a race has their finish time and then they have the time they should have gotten if ________________ wouldn’t have happened (i.e., If only I hadn’t crapped myself I would have been 4 minutes faster!)

So, in my case, if only I hadn’t taken so much eff’ing time at the transitions (What the hell was I doing? A crossword puzzle?) or if my chain had stayed in place I could've gotten under 1:20.

What’s that they say about hindsight?

Here's how it played out:

6:36 a.m. 1 cup of coffee, one bagel, one huge dump (What a relief! No floaties in the pool)

I got to the start about 3o minutes early to set up my transition area.  I carefully placed a bean bag chair and an end table with after dinner mints beside my bike. I like things to be comfortable and inviting. I then hit my head really hard on the bike rack and it hurt like a mother. I hoped no one saw.

Emma took this beforehand (I think I’m 12):


Okay, my shorts aren’t up that high; it’s just the angle


I got in my heat for the swim and made some friends. They wanted me to go first and I was glad because I thought this would help me push harder and I wouldn’t have to worry about passing anyone. I just had to worry about being passed. As I was swimming I was thinking that I hadn’t eaten in two hours and I was hungry. I didn’t bring any food. For some reason I thought I wouldn’t need it for a 90 minute event and my Accelerade would be enough (tri virgin). I hoped I had something to eat in my bike testicle (that’s what I call the sack under the seat).

Emma found this hairy back at the pool. I’m really glad that was in the water with me. I’m still pulling hairs out of my teeth:


Me swimming (You know you’re jealous of my form):


Swim time: 11:07

I got out to my bike and got on my cycling shoes. I put on my running hat instead of my helmet, realized it and changed. Score! I found some GU Chomps in my testicle. I did some Sudoku and I then walked my bike the wrong way until someone told me to turn around.

Swim to bike transition time: 2:33 (I warned you it was bad)

I headed out and up over the first hill. My chain came off. I stopped and fixed it, cussing up a storm. Mother %$#! chain. C$#@ sucking chain! I cruised for three-4 mile loops on the bike. I really pushed it. I only got passed by one girl. She had one of those aerodynamic bars on her bike. If I had one she would have eaten my dust. Not that I’m competitive or anything.

Bike time: 40:26; 17.8 mph average

I came into the transition area (where I apparently like to spend a lot of time), sat down, changed my shoes, put on my running hat, grabbed my Garmin and iPod

Bike to run transition time: 2:10

As I headed up a hill at the start of the run I felt like I was running in place. I was thinking, “I can’t do this shit. Who does this shit?” I looked down and Garmin said I had a 7:20 pace, so I knew my mind was playing tricks and adjusting to coming off of the bike. The run had several hills. I tried to crank it out to make up for lost time (hello, bike chain). I realized my Garmin was showing pace, but not time or distance. Dick! I passed lots of people and stole all of their energy. I got passed only once by some big burly dude. I screamed at him not to take my energy or I’d rack him.  Before I knew it, I was at the finish and saw little Emma and Ken waiting (Ken had finished beforehand in a very strong showing!). Emma ran to the finish with me. Then I collapsed.


Run time: 24:40;  7:58 pace


Right after, when I was lying down, a reporter came up and asked my name. She had taken pictures of Emma running to the finish with me. Hoping it’s in tomorrow’s paper! I’ve always wanted to be famous.

Lots of lessons learned today, but I’m proud of how I did out there. It was hot, and I know I hadn’t trained properly for the bike portion. I don’t know if triathlons are my favorite race event, but this one was a blast despite all the mishaps. As we were walking back to the car, I had that priceless moment one can have with their children when they’re not screaming at them.

Emma: Mom, I’m really proud of you. I never ever thought I would have parents who did these kinds of things!

Now that’s some nine year old wisdom. She must have been wondering in the womb what kind of parents she would have.

On tap for tonight: beer and more beer. It’s a celebration! For finishing the triathlon and for passing my running coach's exam today!!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Pregnant and Other Things

It’s official. I'm very uninteresting. Have you all seen this Versatile Blogger Award spreading like that nasty oil spill? Well, no one tagged me personally. Not one of you (unless I missed it, in that case I apologize). Finally, Anne Marie at Goals for the Week took pity on me. So, here are four random things about me. I only have four because on my 43rd birthday I listed 43 other random things, so I am running out. Maybe that’s why I didn’t get tagged. You are sick of my randomness.

1. I got my period when I was sixteen and I’m still waiting to go through the rest of puberty

2. I almost got crushed to death by one of these when I was ten years old outside of a nursing home:


3. A friend painted a picture on my pregnant belly at my baby shower. Obviously we had already named the little guy. Funny thing is, he kind of came out looking like the picture:


4. I fell out of a car when I was two. It was the days before seatbelts and car seats. My dad went around a corner, the door flew open and I flew out. My brother tapped my dad on the shoulder and said, “Beth’s gone.” They found me crying on the side of the road. I still think my brother pushed me. I lived. Guess it wasn’t my time.

That’s all I got.

Wish me luck on my triathlon tomorrow. Or at least wish me not to be DFL. I don’t start until 8:20, so by the time I run it’s going to be toasty.

Thursday, June 3, 2010


Since you all ragged on me so much for my dorky tri clothes when I did my one and only tri ten years ago, I invested in some real tri-shorts yesterday. Sugoi baby. Not cheap, so they better protect my girl parts sufficiently.

My race is on Sunday and my game plan is to swim in the shorts and sports bra, then put on a sleeveless bike shirt for the bike and run. Here I am showing you my updated outfit. Clearly the dog in the background has just done her business in the bathroom and is on her way to drag her butt across the carpet:


Speaking of dragging asses, you’ve got to watch this. Dying laughing over here:

Did I mention I haven't really trained for this thing? Except for the run part of course. I trained for that by running a marathon, so I should be good. It’s a sprint distance (525 yd swim, 12 mile bike, 5K) so how bad can it be? I did two brick workouts this week (I just learned what the word “brick” meant. I always thought it was  reddish rectangular block that you used to build houses). It’s when you do biking/running consecutively in one workout.

Today’s brick looked like this:

Bike: 10 miles @ 16.3 avg = 36:30 minutes

Transition: bike to run ~2 mins

Run: 5K @ 7:43 avg = 23:59

That’s probably about as good as it’s going to get for me. I learned after the fact that you’re not supposed to do bricks the week (or even two weeks) before the race – FAIL – and  that you should work up to it – FAIL. I never said I knew what I was doing. 

Don’t forget my GIVEAWAY!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Food, Reviews and Giveaway

Food! It’s why some of us run, right? It’s what fuels us, comfort us, lets us be creative and contributes to those large amounts of waste we leave behind.

Being a running and poop blog, I don’t talk much about food. I do, however, eat pretty regularly. You may not know this, but I LOVE to cook. 95% of our meals come from me and are home made and fresh. We rarely go out to eat and I don't cook anything out of a box or can. There may be the occasional frozen pizza, but I steer pretty clear of frozen stuff too. Ken doesn’t cook. When we first dated he had  steady diet of orange Gatorade (he thought it was a health drink), frozen burritos, Stouffer’s French bread pizza and Stouffer's lasagna. He turned his ass around. The guy hasn’t eaten dessert in over two years!

Ken and I grew up differently. In his house there was a meal for every night of the week, e.g., Friday = hotdogs, Monday = spaghetti. Spam was a regular staple.  My parents were pretty experimental. It was all about opening our minds and giving us the experiences so we could make informed decisions (so I joined a cult and got pregnant at 15 – JK). They had a garden where they grew pot all of our fresh fruits and veggies. My mom canned all of our tomatoes and made home made jam. If there was a health food trend, they got on that bandwagon pretty quickly. Falafel? We were eating that before it was cool, like in the early 80s. There were sprouting broccoli plants on the counter (once I thought they were chocolate cupcakes and took a bite). You would never find a sugar cereal or Twinkie in our house. I used to have to go to Stacy Evan’s house where she had a drawer full of Hostess cupcakes, dingdongs and zingers. Imagine having a drawer where you could go anytime, day or night, and grab a tasty treat. That seemed like heaven to me at the time.

Anyway…fast forward to today. I mostly cook out of Cooking Light magazine and I love Allrecipes. I don’t repeat many recipes unless they are really, really good. This year for the first time we joined a local CSA and will get fresh fruits and veggies from an organic farm in Boulder for the next 20 weeks!! If you want to find a CSA in  your area, click HERE.

Don’t get me wrong – I still eat like crap sometimes and my nightstand drawer is full of Dots. Oh, and I love wine (probably not in the “healthy” quantity either). Everything in moderation, right?

So…for some reviews. These products were sent to me to discuss/review.

Cheribundi Cherry Drink*:

This stuff rocks. My mom buys tart cherries in the summer and freezes them so we have fresh cherry pie all year long. The Cheribundi tastes like liquid tart cherry pie. No joke. Each 8 oz bottle is packed with 50 cherries (.5 pound). Where the heck do they find all these cherries? I hope they don’t pop them all.  It is also full of some good nutrition including antioxidants. One 8 oz serving packs 32 grams of carbs, good news for us runners. It’s also good for gout and arthritis. Drawbacks? Lots of sugar (28 g) and pricey - $9.99 for 4-8oz bottles. Ouch. If you have the chance, give it a try. The taste is exceptional!!


Newest GU flavor – mandarin orange*:

I think this stuff just hit the shelves. I tried one on my run a couple of weeks ago. It has a light and pleasant flavor. Not too thick, sticky or sweet (that’s what she said). I do love me some mandarin oranges, so this was a good flavor for me. And thanks to GU and Outside PR for letting me taste test this one and for the box of amazing Gus, Brew and Chomps.


Lara Bars – new flavors*:

In July, some new Lara Bar flaves will be available: carrot cake, chocolate chip cookie dough, chocolate chip brownie  and peanut butter chocolate chip. Lara Bar sent me some samples this week. I’ve only tried the cookie dough, and it is TASTY! I am a huge fan of these bars. Simple, basic and few ingredients that come together to create a great tasting and healthy product. I try to eat foods made up of five or less ingredients that I can pronounce. These bars fit the bill. I love how they use dates as a natural sweetener and for texture and volume. They make for an easy on-the-go breakfast or a post meal treat. They are also gluten, soy and dairy free if you care about that stuff (I don’t). Typically these bars have 230 calories, 26 g of carbs, and lots of potassium and fiber. And, they are affordable – in my grocery store they are about $1.00 per bar or sometimes on sale for $.88.

So…GIVEAWAY! Become a follower and give me your best healthy cooking tip or tell me how early food experiences influenced how you eat today. I’ll choose the most creative/interesting comment in a few days and will send the winner the following:

  • Chocolate chip brownie Lara Bar
  • Strawberry Watermelon GU Recovery Brew
  • Orange GU Chomps
  • Mint chocolate GU
  • Chocolate outrage GU
  • Blueberry GU Octane

Good luck!

*These items were sent to me free of charge from GU, Cheribundi and Lara Bar. I paid nothin’ for them. The giveaway items were also sent at no cost to me.