Wednesday, December 21, 2016

6 Lies Runners Will Tell You

Just like all parents lie to their kids ("Every time you flick the light switch on and off it costs 10 cents!", "If you swallow your gum it stays in your stomach for 95 years!", "This big fat guy in a red suit comes down the chimney and leaves you things!" <creepy), there are also lies that runners tell other runners. Hell, I've told some of them myself.

1. Lie: You will experience a runner's high.

Truth: I still don't even know what that is. The only high I get is when I am done running and laying down. I have had moments of actually liking running when I run, but to call it a "high," as in euphoric or orgasmic - well that's going too far. Now, a runner's LOW? I can get down with that.

2. Lie: If you run, you will lose weight!

Truth: While its true that running probably is the most bang for your buck in terms of burning calories, it doesn't always mean you'll lose weight. In fact, many people gain weight while training for a marathon (WTF???). And this isn't just because you are, as they say, increasing muscle mass. It is because you are eating your face off because you think if you run you can eat all the foods and drink all the beers, but newsflash: NO, you can't. More info on why you might gain weight while training found HERE.

3. Lie: Just fart while you run. Everyone does it.

Truth: While it is correct that everyone does it, it is in fact a great risk to fart while you run. Passing gas whilst running is is just plain dangerous, mostly because often farts have a chaser (if you know what I mean) causing you to experience the dreaded shart. Yes, go ahead and fart if you must, but be prepared to deal with the consequences.

4. Lie: The more you run, the easier it gets.

Truth: Wrong. It's always hard. Because you can always try to go faster or try to run up a bigger hill. It is endless. And, sometimes very, very cold.

5. Lie:  Running is simple and cheap.

Truth: Running can be fucking complicated and expensive. Sure, there are those people who slap on a pair of shoes and shorts and just go, but it seems the majority of us have insane amounts of running gear, keep track of our paces and distances, worry about what we eat or don't eat and think a lot about why we are injured or can't run faster or something like that. Complicated!

6. Lie: Running is a great activity to do with your spouse or significant other!

Truth: Running IS a great activity to do with your spouse and significant other until it's not. What if they run faster than you? That will make you frustrated and mad. What if they breathe really loud or pass gas or talk to much? That will make you frustrated and mad. What if you like running to get away from your spouse or significant partner? Disaster.

The truth about this post is that it makes running seem miserable. Not at all. It is, in fact, the love of our lives in many ways. But, the key to happy running is to know what you're in for. Then you can embrace the suck or the good and roll with it.

Any other lies runners tell?

What lie did your parents tell you when you were growing up? That my dog, Duncan, was better off going to live on a farm. But, you guessed it, they really put him to sleep.



  1. It's only another K. Yes, there's a bathroom at the turnaround. No, it isn't cold out at all. Wind, what wind? This is going to be a relaxed easy run. Of course everybody in the group will be on time. No, the hill isn't bad at all. There's lots of porta-potties at this race.

  2. "I'm going for a short run"; "I'll be back in a couple of hours" etc. Truth: the run is always going to be longer than you say, think, or want it to be!

  3. Another way to think about #3...a fart is poop honking for the right of way. A friend taught me that many years ago - sage advice. :)

  4. No runner's high? I have to disagree. Sure maybe it's not like the big O--but the euphoria experienced after a great run or race is real and it's spectacular!

    1. Yes, the key word being "after" - I just don't feel it that much during.

    2. I'm lucky enough that I usually have a runner's high after the second mile of a long run. I don't know if I equate it with a good martini buzz, but all of a sudden I get all "I love you, Man," on the run, and I feel really, really GOOD.

  5. Great post! And I don't quite understand the "runners high" either BUT think it is akin to the feeling you get after a great workout at gym ("Church of Iron" as I like to call it), which is a sense of Accomplishment or 'Thank God that's over' !
    Totally un-related question: What shoes do you wear when running outdoors (like in that great pic you have) in the snow? What are you favs? I see Saucony has come out with this great shoe with 'sticky' Gore Tex material on the soles - expensive as well...more to your point #5 ! Merry Christmas!

    1. I use my trail shoes to run in the snow. My current favorite shoe is the Salomon Speed Cross 4. Very durable with lots of traction. Not the cheapest shoe, but worth every penny in my opinion.

  6. This is great. I can totally relate to a number of these lies. Another - that you can do it anywhere, and any time. Truth is, it's not always safe to run outdoors (for one reason or another) and it also takes way more time than just the run - you have to get ready, then take a shower after. Even a 1 mile run can take a good 30 minutes out of your day! But... all lies counted for and I still love it!

    Happy Holidays!

  7. I just got the Saucony Kinvara with Runshield. Works great to keep my feet dry and reasonably warm.

  8. I've never had a runner's high either. I do think running endorphins boost my mood, but that doesn't happen until after the run is over and I'm putting pizza in my mouth.

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