So, after three doctor visits and one PT visit, I know I have a severe tear of my hamstring, maybe up to 50%. I was astounded at the bruising, I've never seen anything like that on my body before. Finally, as of yesterday and ten days out from the dreaded fall, I am moving around a bit better and not in so much pain.
Very nice pattern and color scheme. If this were a painting I would call it, "Rocky Mountain Contusion" |
I have to tell you - I had prided myself on remaining injuring free for so long with smart training and listening to my body. Then to have this sudden injury that felt very "stupid" and unnecessary was a tough pill to swallow. It took me ten days, lots of wine and Netflix pity parties and many naps to finally surrender to what is going on and to accept I won't run for awhile. One of my favorite races, the Bolder Boulder 10k, is Monday, so of course I'll miss that (but I will get a very expensive t-shirt!). Also, my 50k is out of the question. After many months of training, that's tough, but it is what it is (a phrase I'm not so fond of - sounds dumb - of course it is what it is. What the fuck else would it be??)
I've had a lot of time to think over the past week and a half about why running is so important to me and why it is so hard to fill that void. Why does no other hobby do the trick? Who am I without running?
The thing is - many places of my life feel a bit in flux right now. I am tiring of my job and wondering what my "second act" will be as I get older. My kids need me much less and at this time next year, Ken and I will be empty-nesters. Although in good health, my parents are getting older and are both almost 80.
In all of the uncertainties and stressors of every day life, running is my crutch. It represents strength, perseverance, consistency, predictability, joy, accomplishment. It's my rock and I am lost without it. I don't think knitting, prostituting or playing ping pong would have the same effect.
So, what now?
Well, PT yesterday made me feel like I was doing something. I had dry needling and learned how to tape my leg with the sport's medicine form of duct tape (leuko tape). I can do some very light stretching, strengthening. It's not a lot, but it's something.
My goal now is to be healthy enough to run (slowly) the Ragnar Northwest Passage Relay in mid-July. That gives me about 8 weeks. Our team signed up months ago and if I can do it, I will do it.
In all of the supportive comments I've gotten, one in particular sticks out as not so supportive. I know there are good intentions behind this, but I hate the phrase, "It could be worse!"
Of course it could always be worse. I could have torn both hamstrings while getting robbed and struck by lightening. It can always also be better. "It could be worse" dismissive and minimizing. Why not just stay, "Sorry, that sucks" and move on?
Believe me I realize that my injury is very minor in the scope of things, but it is MY injury and it alters MY life and I'm allowed to have a response to that. No, I'm not going to sit around crying about it for the next few months, but just because it could be worse - does that mean I can't respond with anger, sadness and frustration?
Well, there you go. That's my update/vent. On the bright side, Heidi and I have had amazing experiences at the hospital (hospice) this week and last. The healing effect that dogs have on people is phenomenal. She is such a gift.
How do you fill the running void when you're injured?
Best/worst comments you've gotten when you're going through a hard time?
Do you volunteer anywhere? If so, where?
SUAR
My favorite (not really) comment after my diagnosis with RA, and I heard it a lot, was "at least it's not cancer". All I could do is smile and nod while suppressing the acid reflux that boiled up from my stomach. No, it's not cancer but I was taking a chemo med weekly that suppresses my immune system and makes me more prone to cancer. That besides all the other symptoms and issues this disease has given me.
ReplyDeleteIt could always be worse. But it could also be better, right? I'm with you--when people responded with "oh, that sucks", I felt so much better. Because bottom line, whether we are hurt or sick, we need to feel validated.
Hang in there, friend!
I have a form of inflammatory arthritis and the meds make it better but might cause long term damage. I agree - it is a tough thing for people to understand.
Deletei tore my meniscus last spring, just at the snow and ice were melting away and the perfect running weather was approaching. and i heard everything, it's not so bad, it could be worse, why do you run anyway that's the reason you hurt yourself in the first place.
ReplyDeleteit's been a year, i'm happily back running and not giving it too much thought but i appreciate it so much more. my mental health took a hit, i tried to lift weights and do the things i could but it wasn't the same. i love my spin bike but after awhile it just made me sad to sit on that and go nowhere.
and the bruising IS crazy.
I slipped on ice in December 2016 and strained my left adductors pretty badly. In the end, I needed physical therapy and rest. Fortunately I could hike and cycle without pain. I just started running again on April 1, and every time I finish a run without pain, I'm grateful and faintly astonished.
DeleteYou are right...July isn't that far away...and yet it seems like an eternity...
ReplyDeleteAt least you got a really sweet looking bruise? Bah! Annoying as hell. I'm glad you have the best dog ever! They really are the best creatures on the planet. Her obsession with your cat is my favorite. (Her cat? Ha!)
ReplyDeleteI tore my adductor and couldn't play hockey and was lost and frustrated. After the first two weeks of rest, the healing accelerated and was astounding. Allim all I was back in the ice lice 6 weeks later, and after maybe another 6 weeks I was fully trusting in it. Point is, I know it's tough on the front end, but I think you'll get through it and hope for the best speedy recovery possible for you!
ReplyDeleteWorst comment: "You should have done/not done xyz."
ReplyDeleteBest comment: "I'm sorry this happened to you. Is there anything I can do to help?"
I love volunteering. Seriously love it. My two current, long-term volunteer "jobs" are therapeutic horseback riding for people with disabilities and Girls on the Run Coach and support team. I've also coached for Special Olympics, volunteered at multiple races, volunteered at my church, etc. I can't wait for retirement so I can volunteer more.
Yes, your "best" comment is spot on!! Thanks for all the volunteering you do. I'm sure it makes a huge difference for many people.
DeleteCan you help people ( Like me ) that would love to volunteer, but haven't found that right fit. And is there a source to look at all the volunteer spots out there?
DeletePeg, I think you can go to the volunteer connection online for local opportunities. If you have any interest at all in hospice opportunities (life review, respite, comfort touch, etc), let me know.
DeleteThanks.. I wouldn't mind looking into those opportunities. My first career was a nurse so might be a good avenue for me to explore. Yes, lets get in touch soon since we are both mending. Do you have my email?
DeleteNo I don't. Mine is beth@shutupandrun.net
DeleteI had runner's knee last spring/summer that ended up revealing some minor cartilage damage. I was training for the NYC marathon at the time and one of the most unhelpful comments was, "maybe you just need to stop with the long-distance races now." UGH. It honestly just made me more determined. After a lot of PT, collagen powder by the bucket, and a cortisone shot, I did that race (slowly) and am doing it again this year (feeling good so far, knock on wood!!)
ReplyDeleteA few years ago my very fast friend tore something around his ankle. I’m blanking on the body part but it put him in a boot, unable to drive for months. It could be worse! (Just kidding, that’s not where I’m going with this.) He did it stepping off a curb during a fun Christmas lights run. It was a total freak thing and I think that was really hard for him. Sounds similar to your hamstring—it wasn’t an overuse thing. I hope you can find new and interesting ways to expand your mind during this time!
ReplyDeleteI feel your frustration (how are those four words?) ;-) I meant to comment on your earlier post, but forgot to do so. Sorry for this setback. Hopefully your hammy will heal in a timely fashion and you'll be able to do Ragnar in July. Almost a year ago, I had emergency surgery (a local doc brushed off a bursitis flair that later turned into a full-blown staph nightmare...and left me with a 6-inch suture over my right knee). I had to sit out the entire summer while everything healed, so I do indeed understand your frustration. I was able to get out and walk (after my 7-day hospital stay) and that gave me something to focus on rather than my reality of not running. Thankfully, everything has healed and I was able to resume running three months later. I do think I'm better for the experience, though...I certainly treasure every run I am able to do. It's great that you and Heidi are giving back to others! Best wishes, and hang in there ;-)
ReplyDeleteNon-running related but I cut part of my finger off cutting veggies a couple years ago, had surgery and huge bandage for weeks (all good now). A coworker's first response was "you know, you don't need to use a sharp knife, you can cut anything with a dinner knife" which was not only totally insensitive but also wrong. Jerk.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks that this happened. All the netflix and wine in the world can't replace a run. But don't let that stop you from trying :-) I have walked with running injuries and the dog was happy. It was something.
Cut anything with a dinner knife? First of all, stupid response, second of all from one cook to another NO YOU CAN'T. People say the dumbest things.
DeleteI am so sorry! Selfishly, I was looking forward to reading about your 50K adventure. And I understand being kind of pissed it happened in such a silly little way. Much better to have been running away from a bear in the mountains. To fill your time, maybe you can take up knitting? Only partially kidding. I knit, and it can be very relaxing.
ReplyDeleteI'm a month in with this nerve "irritation" - perfect word. I am irritated by it. My race has come and gone too. I am getting better and am biking albeit slowly with not much resistance, but it gives me joy to be outside in nature and doing something to help myself heal. Nerves heal slowly. My patience is wearing thin. I haven't filled my time too well. Back at the gym doing what I can. Left leg snarly, but I do see progress which helps. I asked a poster ( above) how to find out about good/ interesting places to volunteer and get started... I have done a few things. Humane society to name one. But it didn't "fill" me like I thought it would. Maybe helping out at races, but I don't know how to get started with that..
ReplyDeleteAnyway , I was hoping you'd give us an update and here it is..
Mend well and keep us posted on your progress. And maybe we can all brainstorm volunteer spots.
Hi there Peg. I am so sorry about your nerve irritation, ugh. But glad ou are getting out on the bike. I think doing what we CAN is huge. Hang in there and I hope we cross paths soon
DeleteOMG, those ARE the worst words. I have a coworker who is very happy to ramble on about her own difficulties. But when someone else has problems, her stock phrase is, "Well listen Beth, I'm sure everything will be fine." End of conversation. Soooo dismissive.
ReplyDeleteI also swim/bike/do yoga/HIIT, so I can usually find one of those to do if I've got an injury.
But back to YOU. This totally sucks. I'm glad you've seen some improvements, and I'm sending you warm thoughts and healing vibes. You are awesome.
Oh believe me, I really DO feel your pain. I, too, thought I was invinceable and then a year of one thing after another. What do I do when I can't run? Nothing. I'm pissed and I refused to try to enjoy something else. I totally agree nothing replaces running. Many years ago, in a horse accident, I lost most of my pinkie finger. Thats when I heard "Thank God its only your pinkie finger!" WTF
ReplyDeleteHi Beth; You are RIGHT - any injury sucks and especially when as you say "you were training smart" but You will come through this injury like the champ you are and I know most of your "fans" and Blog readers have (like myself) endured many an injury and felt that crushing and "adrift" feeling.
ReplyDeleteWhat occurred to me when I read your post about "what to do now?" was perhaps you could "Coach"!!! Your experience and dedication would be a HUGE asset to new and aspiring Runners! Perhaps a form of teaching that you would enjoy?
I know back in the day when I was interested in Running (but doing it ALL wrong and half-assed), a guy I worked with took me under his wing (he had run ALL the big marathons) and taught me the proper way to Run. I never forgot it. Just' sayin....we might be on to something....Keep smiling, and thank you for sharing all that you do. It helps so many people (kinda like Red Wine!). Hugs from Uxbridge, Ontario Canada (the Trail Capital of Canada). =)
Thanks so much for the idea! Yes, I do think I would enjoy coaching. I will give it some thought!
DeleteWhen my son was diagnosed with Type One Diabetes and was in ICU for days so many people said to me 'it could be worse'. That comment made me so angry. Those days after diagnosis were the worst. His life woudl never be the same. He had a chronic illness that is the butt of so many jokes. He has no cure no remission he has insulin. I stoppped running at that point becasue it was too hard. Now I knwo that was the worst thing. I needed running.
ReplyDeleteThat sucks so much! Especially the freak nature of the accident. This Friday I ran a barathon (six bars, six beers, six miles) after a heavy rainstorm and pulled my hamstring (lightly, not that horror show you're sporting). But it happened because I slipped on wet ground, and that annoyed me SO much, because I have other races coming up, and this is so inconvenient and preventable. I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you!
ReplyDeleteHighly recommend going the PRP route if at all possible.
BARATHON!! Sounds like a blast (minus the hamstring part - heal up). The doc I went to at CU Sport's Med said they don't do PRP at this point and their research has shown it's not super effective on hamstrings. They said if it seemed I wasn't recovering down the line, they might consider it...
Deletei just wanted to say thank you for volunteering with Heidi. The last time my daughter had a surgery (she has had many), we were in the hospital for 5 days. Every time someone came around with a therapy dog, I cried. I think it's the combination of missing my own dogs and having a tiny bit of normalcy while everything is stressful and NOT normal. So, thank you. And I'm sorry about your injury. It really sucks. Running is the only exercise I've ever truly loved (and I'm not that good at it, frankly). I have osteoarthritis in both knees, and my orthopedist is always after me to take up swimming or biking instead.. clearly she is not a runner! Instead, I run when my knees allow it, and just baby them as much as possible.
ReplyDeleteBeth,
ReplyDeleteMy worst injury was a stress fracture that was more than 50% through my left leg. On the advice of my chiro guy, I spent 9 months (I believe this may fall under “it could be worse”) running in a pool. It actually was great for me physcologically and also kept my cardio up. All you need is a water belt and a pool that is deep enough that you can run without touching bottom.
I would do this if that is allowed in your case.
Hi Richard, 9 months! Wow. I had a hip stress fracture a few years ago and spent 2 months water running. I really do think it helped keep me in shape...
DeleteYes, 9 months and I was able to get back to regular running pace quickly plus I think my wife was glad I did the water running....I was easier to live with during that time.....I guess! As much as possible, keep positive, it makes a huge difference. Think mid July for your comeback.
ReplyDeleteI hate "everything happens for a reason" (eye roll). Sorry you are injured. Spending so much time training and then not being able to run the race sucks big time. I love that you and Heidi are working together in the hospital. Is that all volunteer or is it something you could do for your "second act". I worked at a school for adults with autism and we had one day a week where for an hour or two therapy animals came in and the students got to interact with them. They LOVED it!
ReplyDeletePeople are stupid. And mean. One of the biggest reasons I got out of public blogging. I am sorry about your injury. I was just having lunch with Tara yesterday and your name popped up as someone we hadn't seen in ages and I mentioned your injury and how sucky it was. We've all been there and totally agree - you deserve to be upset about it. And the loser comment about it could be worse is just a jerk. Hope you're able to do the relay...and seriously, lunch soon?????
ReplyDeleteJill!!! Yes, I would love to do lunch soon. Do you ever get up this way?
DeleteI'm sorry that happened to you. I know how much you worked to get to the place of being injury free, and you have been kicking so much ass. I have recently realized through the things I have been through, with my husband suddenly deciding he didn't want to be with me after 20 years, not to minimize what you are going through. Fell how you feel, deal with it in your way. Personally, I am with you on the wine thing. I have sat on the couch, crying into my wine and watching the Crown. I am praying for a speedy recovery so you can get back to doing what you love.
ReplyDeleteOh Joy, I am so sorry about your husband. I can't imagine what kind of chaos/questioning/confusion that has brought to your life. I know you are strong and moving through it - but so tough. Glad you have such a great support of running friends. You are right - we all have to deal with it "our way". Hang in there girl. Thinking of you.
Deletefor sure you don't want to push a hamstring injury. I have an aunt that run a 1/2 (downhill half in the Black Hills) on a torn hamstring and suffered through a long recovery. (she slipped on the ice 2 weeks before the race.) And yes, you have the right to be disappointed and angry! You worked hard! Everyone needs a good pity party before moving on. Otherwise, they never really move on! Next summer this will be a distant memory!
ReplyDeleteI have a knee that’s hurting but can still run (exercises will fix it). I have a sibling to whom I avoid ever mentioning a hard time of my own because I’d have to listen to a litany of why her life is so much harder than everyone else’s. I fundraiser and run all year for St. Jude.
ReplyDeletefundraise*
DeleteTore ligaments in my ankle last November running -total fluke stupid thing. Boot, PT, all the “right stuff” and it’s STILL not right. Ran 2 miles 6 months later and hobbled for 10 days after. #%@$!!!! Back I go to the doctor, insisting on 2nd opinion because I think they missed something. How I’m staying sane? Weight training and Netflix. Did I mention we sold our house during this time and are temporarily living with my in laws waiting for new house to be ready? I don’t drink. I should.
ReplyDeleteAWFUL. It could NOT be worse.
DeleteI hate that phrase - so much so that I have a coffee mug that reads “If you tell me things could be worse, I’m going to show you how.” �� it makes me happy.
ReplyDeleteThat's perfect.
DeleteHA!! I need that mug.
DeleteThank you for taking the time to train Heidi as a therapy dog. Thank you for taking Heidi to Hospice. When my mom was dying, some angel brought in a therapy dog to visit the patients. My mom actually responded to the dog because it brought her great joy. I can't thank you enough
ReplyDeleteWow. This makes me so happy to read. Often times I will take Heidi in to see a patient who is not responsive, but I always think they know Heidi is there. And, I'm sorry about your mom.
DeleteThank you for the work you and Heidi do! Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking time and energy out of your days to make a difference to a stranger. Thank you for the comfort and the peace and the relief that you and Heidi bring to people and their families.
ReplyDeleteSuch a great post- really sums up how so many of us feel at this exact crossroads in life- I am at the same point! Up until now there has always been that natural progression of "what nexts", but as the kids leave....yes, running is also part of my identity and I feel your frustration dealing with this unexpected injury. I hope you heal swiftly and summer events keep your spirits up- or at least have some spirits!
ReplyDeleteYep. I had 7 weeks non weight bearing after I broke my 5th metatarsal and then another 5 weeks walking in the boot. It was an eternity where life was so difficult just getting out of the house. I cried and ate like an idiot which made me more sad, having gained weight. After that, I was just really appreciative to walk upright on both feet.
ReplyDeleteI work at our community library and a couple of people bring in their therapy dogs to the children's dept so they can be reading buddies for the kids. I love seeing Rosie and Lola and they bring so much joy to all the staff and families that they come in contact with! Maybe you can add this to your list of volunteering activities?
ReplyDeleteI broke my left arm severely and it was broken for more than two years. Amputation was on the table that entire time and I has a non-use restriction on it a majority of that time. People would constantly tell me to be grateful that I am right-handed. I used to tell them to imagine chopping off either of their arms and imagining how that would feel. People do say the dumbest things.
ReplyDeleteThe dog is cute, I will raise a child like that
ReplyDeleteInjuries suck. There's no way around it. When I fractured my foot spinning was a good substitute, but I think it may have aggravated my injury and prolonged my recovery more than I wanted to admit. Or maybe it was those too-early "test" runs. I think you've got to throw yourself a pity party before you can move on, and even then it's hard not to wallow.
ReplyDeleteWow
ReplyDeleteWow! I had no idea that a torn hamstring could produce such bruising. I hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about your injury and I think so many of us can relate to how you're feeling. When we runners are sidelined, we simply don't know what to do with ourselves. I just found out I have posterior tib tendonitis and will be off of running for about 4-6 weeks. Just like you, I'm struggling to fill the void. I'm trying yoga (this is permitted for my injury) and that's helping a bit but there's nothing like a good run to clear one's mind. Good luck to you and thank you for your post.
ReplyDeleteIf I hear "it'll get better, it takes time, enjoy the time off" one more time, I'm gonna loose it. I've always had a rough time with my left knee (rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis when I was 17) but after the Chicago & NYC Marathons last year my back pain was out of control (I also work on my feet). After a few visits I found out I had been running on a severely torn meniscus and got a surgery and did a full repair 4 days later. That was in February. I have never been so depressed in my whole life. Being injured in NYC is no joke (the stairs, the subways, the PEOPLE.) I was so sick of hearing "it could be worse" - I just wanted to be able to go to the bathroom alone. I contacted a trainer I had met and started working out at the gym in my full huge metal leg brace and crutches doing arms and abs and started physical therapy right away. A lot of crying later (and a 3-week trip back home to NC to stay with my family) - I can do the stairs, the bike, the elliptical....hell, I cried the day I was able to put a pair of actual sneakers on!
ReplyDeleteThe pain is real. The I-cant-run depression is very real. I am so thankful for the trainer to helped me mentally stay sane & my therapists who just hugged me as I sobbed at therapy.
I ran my first mile yesterday. Its been 107 days since I've ran. I'm a very impatient person and I still feel like I am not where I should be with recovery..but you better believe I cried HAPPY tears yesterday in the middle of Central Park.
I have the Chicago Marathon in October again and I'll be doing it for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (one of my close friends got diagnosed with stage 3) - and even if I walk across the finish line I'll be there.
I'm thankful for people who understand my frustration and my pain and I love reading blog posts and articles that remind me I'm not alone. SO THANK YOU :)
After our son died a co worker of my husbands said "you know, I hear about this all the time...its happening more and more it seems." Infants are dying more and more? What the fuck are you talking about?! It was a moment of insanity that luckily the pain meds from child birth kept me a few seconds behind the curve to not slap her silly. Hang in there with this tough time...and that bruise is impressive.
ReplyDeleteGreat entry. I was looking for that. You helped me a lot.
ReplyDelete
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