It was about mile one where I got the cramp. Not a runner's muscle cramp, but an intestinal contraction. This is a very familiar feeling for me. Unfortunately this contraction foreshadows a cleansing of my lower intestines (aka big messy dump). At mile two I started wondering if I should make a pit stop at the general store at my half way mark (mile three). These cramps are tricky. One moment they are upon you with such a vengeance you fear you'll be Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber and the next moment you're thinking, "No big deal. I can make another ten miles without so much as a fart."
As I near the general store, I knew I should seize the moment. I always feel badly about going into places and dropping a big one and not even buying a piece of gum. This particular store is in the small town of Hygiene (ironic, eh?). It is a cyclist's haven being the jumping off point to many popular scenic and long rides. I know this store gets lots of bathroom activity. I'm sure they're sick of it. But when the urgency is at the door and it's either that or contaminate my new running capris, I know what I need to do.
I walk in the store, and no one is there. Score! I notice something I have never seen before. There is a glass jar outside of the bathroom with a sign on it that says, "Bathroom tip jar." This means one of two things:
- So many people come in here and use the facilities and don't buy anything, so their contribution is a little monetary tip, or
- So many people come in here and take massive dumps and ruin the sewer system and use so much toilet paper that even if you buy a case of Gatorade each time you visit, it doesn't offset the cost of running the lavatory.
All I know is I couldn't be bothered with those details at that moment. Something was honking for the right of way. I did my business, it never takes very long, and headed out. The cashier was back by then. She was sweet, just gave me a look and said, "So how are YOU today?" As if she was looking for some major disclosure. So I said, "I'm FINE. I just took a ginormous dump and I don't have any money on me but I'm planning on making a non-cash donation in the way of air freshener and Charmin next time I'm in these parts to make up for what I did in there." Well, I didn't say that, but I felt I should have. Some day I will walk into that store and put a 20 spot in that jar just to compensate for my actions on February 1, 2010.
The next three miles home sucked. The cramps got so bad at one point I yelped out loud. I thought I should wear a bumper sticker that says, "I run so fast because I have to poop." I made it home in one piece and only had some mild clean up to do of the under garments in the shower. No one would have been the wiser if it wasn't for the panties hanging on the bathroom door to dry.
How was your run today? Don't lie if you messed yourself. It's okay we all do it.
Drinking: Starbucks Verona coffee
