Thursday, August 17, 2017

5 Nasty Ass Things Runners Do in Public

You may be asking yourself: "Self - why do runners do such odd, embarrassing and humiliating things in public?" I've been giving some thought to this because it is one of the wonders of the First World.

Think about it - as a runner you are often out in the middle of nowhere, dressed pretty scantily and in the process of utilizing many bodily functions because the pure movement of running riles up and excites the body. This is the perfect combination for unbelievable things to occur. Also, running can sometimes make us delirious in the same way that it can make us feel superhuman and invincible So, then we do epic shit. Or, take epic shits.

Here is just a mere sampling of some things that runners have been known to do in public (taken from real life stories - mine and others).

1. We let bodily functions fly. Although we may not try to do this in public, per se, sometimes there is an urgency that cannot be denied. In fact, I have a friend (who shall remain nameless, but you know who you are) who was once on a run in a very nice neighborhood. Suddenly, her intestines got the best of her and an emergency situation came about. If she could have found a bathroom, a large tree or even a ditch, she would have done so. But, none of these items were to be found, so she had to let loose in public. And, let loose she did. Right on somebody's lawn. In broad daylight.

I'm not positive, but I do believe that this is actually illegal. It probably falls under the category of indecent exposure with a mixture of  misdemeanor trespassing and a felony for grossness thrown in. But, what would you have done? Poop your pants and keep moving? Until you run in someone else's shoes, you really should not judge.

2. We get naked. Last year I did my first beer run.This was at the 6 day TransRockies Race. In case you aren't aware that is when you chug a beer ever quarter mile for a full mile. That is four beers. And, if you live in a state that loves its craft beers, you are probably chugging some hefty ale with 6% alcohol volume. In any case, I came in last (duh) but I did arrive in time to see the winner finish and spontaneously get naked. Like, all out naked. Here's the back view, but trust me the front view was even better.

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3.We puke. Well, I don't, but you might. Ever been at the finish line of a race? It can be a vomit fest. I try to avoid finish lines for this reason as I have emetophobia (fear of vomit). Why does this happen, you may ask? When we run, our digestive systems can somewhat shut down as our blood goes to support our lungs and heart, not our digestion. Dehydration can also cause you to heave. Lastly, if you stop too quickly (such as at the finish of a race) your stomach might not be able to handle the sudden change in exertion and you blow chunks. Unfortunately, when it's coming up, it's happening whether you like it or not.

4. We fondle ourselves. The main reason that this happens, is we are ready to run and realize we've forgotten to apply lube to prevent chafing. A reader pointed out a scene she once witnessed, "I watched an 80+ year old man standing behind his car, which was parked near where everyone was gathering pre-race, pull his running shorts out by the waist band and proceed to lube up the dangly bits with Vaseline. Everyone within eye site had a lovely view of his family jewels."

5. We bleed. Nipple chafing (like Andy from the office). Periods (always showing up unwanted and at inappropriate times). Bloody knees (ever been part of at trail run? You'll see lots of these). 


Image result for nipple chafing images


All this to say - when you humiliate yourself in public, it's not just you. Many people have come before you and have survived. So, go forward and shit, pee, bleed and vomit with pride!

What's the most humiliating thing you've done while running? Tell me a story in the comments.


SUAR


23 comments:

  1. I'm proud to say I have never done any of these things and I have been running for over 46 years. Guess I am not a runner- oh well. So be it.

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  2. In the starting coral at Chicago, I suddenly realized I had to pee and I mean, pee NOW. I tried dancing around and willing the sensation away in hopes that the race would start soon and I could find an alley or bush. But alas it wasn't happening. My running partner noticed my face (along with those around us) and as I explained that I needed to go, someone tapped me on the shoulder and suggested I donit right there, in the coral. He handed me his garbage bag which I quickly pulled over my head and I squatted down in the middle of the crowd to let loose. As I was going (somewhat mortified but oh so realized) I heard the guy shout "man you really did have to go!" So much for secrecy! Since then, I've thrown modesty to the wind and have dropped my shorts at nearly every race.

    My husband also has a great story. He missed a PR by 10 seconds one race, just enough time for that last bathroom stop. So he vowed to not let that happen again and in his next marathon, he decided to skip the bathroom and just go whilst running. He said it took him about two miles to will his body to let go but once he did, it was like a river. The girl beside him on the course looked over and said "eww are you peeing yourself?!" To which my husband proudly replied "don't judge!"

    Guess birds of a feather do flock together!

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  3. Haha! I love that you put the bag over your head. I thought you were going to say you peed in it. Yeah, sometimes that modesty goes out the window. Did your husband get his PR?

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  4. I've been lucky thus far and haven't done any of these (in public). I did, however, come close to #4 very recently. My running shorts have a key pocket in the front that is really difficult to get a key in and out of (what the hell, Oiselle?). On my last run in a busy park, I was digging around in my shorts, trying to get the dang car key out for what must have been five minutes. I finally looked up to find a gaggle of teenage boys staring at me. I'm sure that was the first time they'd ever seen a female grabbing at her crotch the way they do. :D (PS: Just found your blog and love it. Thanks for making me smile.)

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  5. Okay, so I have an issue EVERY time I run. I have to poop about 1-2 miles out.I live in Wyoming so the houses are very far apart and I can see a car coming for miles. Unfortunately there are no bushes or trees so those deep ditches on the side of the road have become a haven for me. I can still stick my head up and watch for cars. :)

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  6. I got caught with my hand down my friend's bra whilst out running! We'd been running for a while when suddenly she started screaming that she had stabbing pains in her chest. On closer inspection it turned out to be her bra wire which had worked its way out. Her hands were too sweaty to grip the wire so I told her to push her boobs up & I reached in! Unfortunately at that moment an elderly gentleman appeared behind us from another path - morning ladies- he said! Think we made his day!!

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  7. Nothing as bad as anything mentioned above, though I've come close on #1 a couple of times, which isn't so bad for a guy, but one occasion of #1.2, if you get my meaning, had me pausing on the way home to clench. Hard. I just made it home ok. Lots of blood but that's no big deal.

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  8. Oh man. I've pooped in the woods a few times. Trashed a few portapotties. It gets easier over time.

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  9. could you imagine if runners acted how they did on race day in normal situations such as the office or on a date??a night out with the family? Oh my goodness The possibilities are endless! Suzie wearing her compression shorts to work with GU stuffed in her bra, George puking behind the water cooler, john having to pee REALLY bad during a meeting so he just lets loose... and that skipping the elevator part at the mall? GI issues ensue....

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  10. It's really a toss up for me between falling to the ground, violently cramping, because people feel the need to help me, and vomiting on the course to where people run away from me. I've done both of these multiple times so it's then a matter of selecting the best. I choose my 1st marathon at the tender age of 16 - the Dallas White Rock Marathon in 1978. Perhaps due to drinking beer throughout the night, I had to literally throw myself over a solid wall of fans lined up along the course to puke my guts out at the 15th mile marker, which happened to align with the finish. People ran from me. I finished in a little over 3 hours.

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    1. All that puke and just over three hours? I knew you were a stud.

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  11. Oh my gosh!!! I never knew there was a name for it! Emetophobia!!! It's not that it makes me want to vomit per se, but I hyperventilate, and get tingly (and not it a good way!), and generally just freak... I'm glad I'm not alone.

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  12. My wife can't understand why I do #2 in the woods while running. I can't understand why someone wouldn't. Oh well, to each his own...

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  13. I really had to pee at a mud run race, but I hadn't seen any porta potties on the course. So, at a water stop, I grabbed two waters. Then, I peed while I poured water over my head, so it looked it was the water streaming down. Now, it's kind of a personal tradition to do this at that race.

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    1. Genius. Just don't mistake the water for Gatorade.

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  14. It's crazy the things we do. You gotta do what you gotta do.

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  15. This was awesome! I've definitely experienced a few of these. I frequently blow snot rockets, got naked at a Warrior Dash to get the mud off (gallon jug of water beside my car). In 20 years of running, I have yet to puke though!

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  16. And because I just saw this yesterday...

    http://running.competitor.com/2017/09/news/pooping-runner-colorado_168224?utm_campaign=trueAnthem%3A+Trending+Content&utm_content=59c041e304d301116736edb1&utm_medium=trueAnthem&utm_source=facebook

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