Not a Deposit Like at the Bank

Right at about this time yesterday (well, a bit earlier) I was sucking in air and wondering, when the hell does this get easier?

Ken and I were on a running trail outside of Boulder.  On the drive there I was finishing up my coffee when the oatmeal I had before leaving home started to talking to my colon. It was clench clench the next few miles to the trailhead. We dodged about 45 wild turkeys and some deer before parking in the dirt lot in the middle of nowhere. We were the only ones there, so I copped a squat and covered it with pine needles because I am considerate that way.

We started climbing. The ascent is about 3 miles and is a single track, very rocky trail. It’s really not that steep (1,000 feet of gain), but you are progressing up continuously and I get a little weary of that. I kept thinking what some wise ass (Frank Shorter, Olympic gold medalist, marathon) said about hills being speed work in disguise. It did not make me feel better.  I was hoping Ken would suggest  we stop for a breather, but he didn’t.

I always do this “hoping” on runs. I “hope” the other person will suggest a break or that we will at least get to a stoplight so it will be a mandatory break.  Because GOD KNOWS I DID NOT NEED IT. However, there are no stoplights on the trail, so I was screwed.

Finally I told him I needed a quick ‘lil break. I mean he is my husband, so there is no shame in needing a freaking break, right? I mean we have been married for almost 17 mother eff’ing years and if I need a damn break I will take a damn break. NO I DON’T HAVE MY PERIOD!

We continued on, but then I got hit with stomach cramps and made a deposit. Yes, it was a direct depost because I am efficient that way. By this time I’m sure Ken was getting sick of all my starting and stopping.  The real clincher was that he was down wind from the deposit and  asked for a divorce right then and there. How is it possible to be out in nature, with the entire open sky and still smell one small offering one leaves beside the trial (not on the trail, that would be rude).

Okay, I guess we did do some climbing to get to this view

The descent was uneventful except that Ken is like a damn mountain goat, skipping and hopping over rocks and roots, while I am 895 yards behind concentrating so hard on not falling that I can’t see straight. I must have a very lazy stride (better than a lazy eye) because I am constantly getting caught on roots or slipping on rocks. Please tell me  you do this too.

Back to the car with 7 miles in 1:13 minutes. Not bad for time on the trail. If you haven’t done trail running, you should. It is the workout of the century, I promise you. Other advantages:

• The world is your toilet
• You run faster sometimes because you see bear poop and think it might be fresh
• No car exhaust, but there is SUAR exhaust
• Gorgeous scenery, peace and quiet

Tip: leaving your Garmin at home is a great idea because you are often doing 11-12 min/miles but you are breathing like you are doing 5 min/miles. Then you think, what the hell is wrong with me and you get all hard on yourself and then it is not fun.

Ever run on the trails? Come visit, I’ll take you. Like you’d want to go after reading this post.

SUAR

PS: Don’t forget my latest giveaway and your chance to win a SUAR shirt!

Barrel of Laughs

Remember this disgusting picture from last week? (Before)

Redemption is mine. (After)

Taper time is great for cleaning, eating, drinking, sleeping, weeding, and picking things (scabs, etc). Anything to stave off the nerves.

I’m going to be honest. There is at least one (but probably 101) annoying things about being married to me.

My closet:

Ken’s closet:

Do you hog the closet space in your relationship? Obviously, yes, I do.

Are you annoying to be in a relationship with? I think I am. Ken is very patient, laid-back and relaxed, where I am Type A, a worrier and controlling. I think it is probably harder for him to live with me, then me to live with him.  I can be a barrel of laughs, though!

PENIS!! (see, you laughed, didn’t you?)

SUAR

Sweet Sixteen

In case it did not make it onto your calendar, today is our 16th anniversary. I hope you all are celebrating. Do you love old pictures as much as I do?

June 17, 1995. Columbia, MD.

No better way to kick off your anniversary than to kiss your husband goodbye at 6:00 a.m. and head out for a 13 mile run with girlfriend, Joie. Very romantic. She and I made out the whole time.

Seriously, I thought about Ken every minute. Even when I stopped at the porta potty at the Boulder Rez to take a dump and noticed that someone had left a pair of jeans in there. Gross. Who leaves jeans in there and why? Actually, I don’t want to know. They fit perfectly!

I even thought about Ken when I saw this bird. I am not a birdie, but even I could appreciate this long beak. I looked him up and he’s a Long-Billed Dowitcher, which is a type of Sandpiper.

16 years is a long time to be with one person. It is a good think I really like who I married or else this could have gotten very ugly.

People never ask me what the key to a happy marriage is, but if they did I would tell them – choose wisely. The key to a happy marriage occurs way before you get married. Know who the heck you are marrying. If you have any inkling that something is wrong, assume it will become 400% more wrong later on. Love is not enough if someone is mean or irresponsible or a drunkard. Go with your gut. In my opinion, make sure the person:

• Shares your sense of humor, if you have one. This keeps you going on days that are mundane or challenging or happy or annoying.
• Is someone you can be playful with. Poking, wrestling, pinching. It’s all fair game.
• Shares some of your passions/hobbies if you have some. You don’t have to share everything, but if there is something you spend ten hours of week doing, it’s nice to be able to share some of that time together.
• Respects his/her family and friends because then he/she will probably respect you as well.
• Coddles you when you are sick or hurt. This is an indicator of things to come. Empathy = hugely important. I got seriously ill when Ken and I first met with a terrible kidney infection. He brought me popsicles and his favorite sleeping bag and never left my side for three days. That’s when I fell in love with him.
• Cherishes you. As in - you know by the way they look at you when you walk into a room that they love you.
• Is someone you are physically attracted to. Marriage is LONG. At least if you have to look at someone for all of those years, you want to like what you see.

I got home from my long run and saw these, which scored Ken some points. I never get tired of flowers.

How are we celebrating? Getting a new mattress. {insert “breaking in new mattress” jokes}

This sucker has to go.  Sagging and soft and hurts  my back. Yesterday the guy at the furniture place looked up our records and told us we paid $290 for the mattress about seven years ago. God we are cheap bastards. We have no one to blame but ourselves. Tonight I will sleep like a rockstar.

Ever left your jeans in a porta potty? No, I haven’t, but I have thrown away underwear in them at least twice.

What’s your key to a lasting relationship? Going to bed angry and giving each other Dutch Ovens.

What cheap mattress do you sleep on? Our new one is a Simmons Beauty Rest with 800 coils. I think that is a good thing. I am hoping it makes me a better athlete, gives me bigger boobs and gets ride of my wrinkles.

SUAR

PS: We finalized the Shut Up and Run shirts last night. To start, there will be two tech shirts (one for ladies in white, one for men in white/grey). There will also be one everyday “burnout” t-shirt for the ladies. I can’t wait to show you next week when I’ll be taking pre-orders.

Thanks a million to Paul and Kim at Family Fan Club for all of their hard work! They do amazing customized designs for shirts, water bottles, jackets, you name it.

Creation #2

Thanks for indulging me yesterday with all of your encouraging and insightful comments. Yes, I read EVERY LAST ONE, Matty. I also appreciate the “private” emails with your own stories and sentiments. The truth is, we are all going through something, right? Be it injury, loss, relationship trouble, painful transition, rejection.

Head’s up! Be sure to visit tomorrow for one of the coolest giveaways ever (IMHO).

Joke courtesy of son, Sam: “If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?”  “IHOP!”  Go to your room!! You shouldn’t talk about one-legged people that way.

To lighten the mood, I’ve got the second video in my series, ready to share! If you missed the first, go  HERE. (And, crap, title of this has a typo. Thanks, Anne! It’s not martial problems as in martians. Should be marital. Although maybe next time I’ll talk about martians having sex).

Oh crap. Is Valentine’s Day coming up?

SUAR