Sunday, March 4, 2018

10 Things Runners Are Better at Than Everyone Else

I am not good at too many things. I can't play a musical instrument (quit the flute in 6th grade, something about all that practicing when the Love Boat and Fantasy Island were on) and I have absolutely no rhythm when it comes to dancing (although I still do it a lot in public, sorry Ken and all of my friends and family). I could never get the hang of knitting and the last time I skied (like REALLY skied) I broke my wrist and had to be carried down the mountain on the stretcher of shame.

But, running? Well, that's something I can do reasonably well. And, it turns out - many of us runners are not only skilled at running. The truth is, most runners have multiple talents that range from drinking while running to over-sharing. Here are 10 things runners do better than most people:

  1. Spending lots of money to get up at the ass crack of dawn, run really far, suffer and get a dry bagel at the end. This is also known as a race entry fee. While it might seem crazy to non-runners, runners generally love to attend races and will pay a hefty fee to do so.

  2. Knowing weird distances. Runners can tell you the exact distance from their house to the nearest lake, the 7-11 or the closest trail head. A specialty is also knowing where any and all public restrooms are. Preferably clean and heated.

  3. Tying our shoes. If you aren’t a runner you may not be aware that there is an art to typing one’s shoes. Any runner will tell you to double knot your laces or you will constantly be tripping over untied laces and stopping to tie them.

  4. Drinking and running. While runners don’t condone drinking and driving, we do allow drinking and running. If you’ve done a race then you’ve encountered this thing called the aid station. That’s the place that has little Dixie-sized cups of water or sports drink. In order to drink yet keep running, the runner gets very good at pinching the cup so that the drink efficiently and quickly goes into his/her mouth without major spillage.

  5. Controlling our sphincters. Yes it’s true that many runners suffer from runner’s trots. This happens because when you run, the blood in your body stops helping with digestion and starts pumping to the arms and legs. In addition, running jumbles up the gut causing the urge to poop. Unfortunately, this urge does not usually happen in convenient locations where a bathroom is readily available. Therefore, runners get very good at holding in turds until they can find somewhere to drop them.

  6.  Rolling on cylindrical things made out of foam. If you’ve ever visited a runner’s home, you’ve probably seen this item laying around on the floor. Children love to throw them around. Sometimes you might actually witness a runner rolling a body part on the cylinder.

  7.  Getting injured. And talking about it. At one time or another every runner gets injured. The repetitive motion of running and the impact can lead to a variety of ailments from shin splints to stress fractures to plantar fasciitis. These injuries cause the runner to become adept at whining and self-pity.

  8. Talking to ourselves. Out loud. Running can be a solo event. Runners get lonely. They need support, encouragement. Trouble is, there are not always others around to do this. That’s when the runner starts to have conversations with his/herself about how far they have left to go, the fact that they can finish this and the knowledge that the pain is hopefully temporary. Runners also might remind themselves that there is cake and pie at home waiting to be devoured as well as a nice, clean toilet.

  9. Over-sharing. Runners are very good at providing people with Too Much Information (TMI). This is likely because over time the gross things runners do get normalized to the runner and he/she forgets it might be disgusting to others. It’s pretty commonplace for a runner to tell you how many times they poop in a day or that they started their period during a race or that their nipples bled because they forgot to apply Vaseline before their run.

  10. Using social media. Runners love to let people know how far and how often they run. Posting race times is also a priority. What better way to do this than social media?

Are you good at these things? I used to be good at getting injured, but now I suck at it and I'm glad. Controlling my sphincter continues to be an issue. I am still good at foam rolling but now use a new torture device, the R8 Massage Roller from Roll Recovery. Holy Shit. Have you used this thing? It's amazing and miserable all at the same time.



  1. I don't talk to myself when I run but I sing along with my music and that's so much better!

  2. I dont foam roll, have elastic laces on my shoes, not injured and dont tell anyone about my running. So i guess i am mot a runner.

  3. I covet your R8 Massage Roller. It's on my "I want" list, but my budget is protesting the expense :)

  4. Reading a few posts now, this one is sorta the most funny untill now for me.
    Quite a few are very recognized indeed. Although the whole bathroom urge thing is not for me, not happened once in thousands of running km's. I am lucky

  5. This is me. Thanks for making me smaile at things I normally have to defend. :)

  6. Never had the bathroom urge during a run in the last 30 years...

  7. Luckily I have not been injured in a very long time...knock in wood! I have seen those R8. I bet they are my h better than a foam roller or stick bit pricey.

    I am coming out to Denver this week for work and hope to get a run in outside. How's the weather been? Unfortunately I'm staying close to airport so won't be able to venture out to any trails.

  8. I'm really great at self-diagnosing running injuries via the internet, though my success rate might be less than stellar (most recently what I thought was tendinitis resulted in hip surgery and 6 weeks on self-prescribed week of rest and ibuprofen did not make that one go away). So, I'm pretty much a walking encyclopedia of every "itis" and running injury in the book, but my diagnostic skills are a bit of a crapshoot.

    1. Oh yea. Same here. I'm pretty much a doctor new thanks to Web MD.

  9. that's true, my son are a runner and he did can understand something I don't even never can think of

  10. not injured and dont tell anyone about my running

  11. Bathroom urge, EVERY Damm TIME 😂