Thursday, April 8, 2010

Overflowing

Running Tip: Now that spring has sprung, dress light! Wear clothing that is suitable for about 10 degrees warmer than it is. Unless you are training to run Badwater. Then just wear your down coat in the sauna.

Okay, seriously blog world. Is that all you’ve got??? Many of you entered my giveaway, yet so few were courageous enough to send a picture of yourself looking ridiculous. So, what I take from this is that you all want free stuff, but don’t want to put yourself on the line and look stupid. That actually does make sense. Or, maybe it’s a time issue. As in, do you guys really have families and jobs and marathon training to tend to?

How am I to have a fruitful photo contest if you don’t send me your obnoxious photos? Here are the perks of taking a photo risk with me (here come the bullets):

  • The odds are in you favor - especially for the guys. GUYS, send in your pics.
  • You get five extra entries to the giveaway
  • You have a chance (and a pretty good one) to win a really cool hydration pack worth $70
  • I know modeling and talent agencies comb my site looking for potential subjects. This could be your big break.

I’m done begging and pleading. Do what you want. But just know I expected more. Don’t you wish I was your mother? I could say this to you everyday.

Today I’m going for twelve miles. I wish for many things on my longer runs. To feel strong. To be present. To see the beauty around me. To not shit. That last wish is a tough one and is usually not granted. It would be a more realistic wish if I said, “To not shit my pants.” Shitting goes without saying.

That said, did I ever tell you the story of my most embarrassing moment? Believe me, I have a laundry list of them, but this one takes the cake.

I was 18. I thought I was in love for the first time. My then boyfriend, Michael, wanted to take me to meet his grandparents in Annapolis. But prior to this blissful meeting, he wanted to take me to his favorite deli for a rich, huge, calorie laden Ruben sandwich and chocolate malt (foreshadow). This sounded good at the time.

Here’s what I remember. I ate the whole sandwich and drank the whole malt. We walked outside and it was about 95 degrees and humid. The tar on the road was steaming and stunk. You know when you feel sick, you notice all the sights, smells and sounds around you. They are vivid. In your face. They all make you feel worse.

We got to Michael’s grandparents condo. It is important to note this was a condo. Not much room to run and hide (foreshadow).

We sat around conversating (anyone watch the Biggest Loser? Anyone annoyed by Victoria who used this word, convesating, in a sentence?). Suddenly, my stomach cramps up. The pain is so severe I’m can’t carry on a conversation. I excuse myself to the little powder room off of the living room. I blow it up and flush it down. No harm no foul (NHNF). I return to my seat on the couch with Michael’s grandpa, “Poppie” and his grandma.

Not a minute later, wave two is upon me. The cramping is intense. The need to use the bathroom again is urgent. I excuse myself again. You can get away with one trip to the bathroom, but two trips in five minutes and you should probably just announce to everyone present, “I have diarrhea!”

This time when I unload, the toilet hesitates. It swirls and bubbles, but eventually agrees to ingest what I’ve put in it. I am praising the Lord, promising to only do good deeds for the rest of my life.

I head back out to the family, who by this time knows I’m sick. I vaguely remember grandma dimming the lights and telling me to lie down for a moment sweetie. I stretch out a bit, already feeling humiliated, but knowing the worst is behind me (foreshadow).

Are you kidding me? Wave three is in the house. Shrouded with shame and trepidation, I again head for the bathroom. It’s hard to believe I had anything left, but I did. With sheer relief because I felt so much better and knew I got it all out, I flushed the toilet. Only this time, the water hesitated as if to say, “Really? You really think you can drop this kind of a load and I’m just going to take it with no consequences?” I watched the water churn slowly, then it started to rise. Little whispers and pleas flew from mouth, “Just go down. Please go down. If you go down I’ll do anything. I’ll join a convent. I’ll stop having pre-martial sex. I’ll give all my savings from working at Roy Rogers to charity. Anything!” But, the toilet gods did not listen and did not care. The shit water rose and rose until it was spilling and gushing from the toilet. I pulled up the small rectangular rug on the floor and watched, horrified, as the shit water started to seep under the door and out into the hallway.

Now, stop reading for a moment, and think to yourself. WWID? What would I do? Seriously. What would you do? What could I do? It’s not like I could sneak out the back window, although I wanted to. I had to call for help. I had to call the first love of my life who I had not so much as farted in front of to help me. “Michael!” I yelped from the bathroom. Michael came over and screamed, “OH MY GOD!” He then called in Poppie, who kindly told me to step aside as he brought in the mop.

And there you have it, my friends. Don’t ever say I didn’t tell you my deepest and darkest secrets. I think since I just put this out there, the least you can do is send a damn picture.

Drinking: Kirkland coffee brewed by Starbucks

43 comments:

  1. Oh wow, that should be in embarrassing stories hall of fame. That would be horrifying. This is like a worst fear right now as I just had gallbladder surgery and too much fat equals quality time with the bathroom. I'm suddenly really open about my bathroom activity (not like everyone else around me is wondering what I was just doing in there for 10 minutes). I think it took our relationship to a new level when my boyfriend had to go buy me immodium AND de-constipaters.

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  2. Sorry for the delay, but I really did intend to send a pic. Just haven't taken it yet....honest.

    Thanks for the story. Makes me feel much better about my own day. :)

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  3. I also plan on sending a picture. And you gave us until Mon. So I plan to use my time wisely.

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  4. Hey, don't ruin my odds in the photo contest! SHHHH! :)

    And the toilet overflow is pretty much my worst fear.

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  5. That is a terrifying story. Seriously. I can't even imagine!

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  6. So glad I had to send in a pic instead of sharing my story... I died reading this. OMGosh!

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  7. Don't worry "stupid photo taking" of me in goofy outfits is planned for this weekend. I'll do anything for free shit.

    As for the whole toilet issue, well what can I say except, it doesn't surprise me in the least!!!! I'm sure you were mortified at the time, but I'm laughing my ass of at you now, I hope you are too.

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  8. I am sitting here cracking up at your story. It sounds like something from the movie Along Came Polly with Ben Stiller :)

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  9. Holy Shit! That is the funniest story ever, that is the kind of stuff that ends up on TV shows!
    And you already got my embarrassing photos!

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  10. Um, no matter what I do, I just can't seem to look ridiculous...

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  11. Jesus! I have every intention of sending a photo by the deadline, you didn't even have to tell me that.

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  12. You crack me up every time!!! Love your honesty. :) I actually had potty issues on my long run today and I thought of you....is that strange?? I am not brave enough to blog about it though. :)

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  13. Thank you for that excellent laugh--sorry it's at your expense! Maybe this was all a foreshadowing of your GI running issues?

    As to the pic--who me? take a bad picture? In running clothes? Never! ; ) Seriously, I think my bad ones are all from races, pics that I never bought and therefore don't have!

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  14. Great story. Makes my throwing up into my helmet while go-carting story seem almost dainty.

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  15. Me? Unpasturized fresh apple juice. But at least the toilet worked properly

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  16. bwaaaahahahahah I am laughing so hard right now! that is a great story and you are a brave chick for sharing it!

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  17. Oh that's horrible. I couldn't imagine how you felt after Poppie took care of your mess!

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  18. Oh that is so funny! If that happened now I would probably laugh, but at 18? I probably would have crawled out a window.

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  19. I didnt get past the running tip till I was thinking when Im out running in shorts and a shirt, and see someone in sweatshirt and long pants on and want to yell "good luck at Badwater."

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  20. omg...omg...I am so sorry that I'm laughing at your expense right now!!!!! Wow. I don't know what I would have done. I did have a similar thing happen to me once, with my very first boyfriend. My dad went out of town and he allowed me to stay at this boy's house (we were still young and lived with our parents, so his mom was there). I got a bad stomach bug over the course of the first day and did NOT make it to the bathroom in time....Oops...I crapped my pants!!!! I had to wear a pair of my boyfriends jeans the rest of the time I was there! Omg..I cried so hard lol.

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  21. I'm working on a picture. Thank goodness for weekends.

    What a story. It must have been the beginning of your series of misfortunate events.

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  22. OK OK I'll work on it. Do we just email you the pic?

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  23. okay..i'll get a pic..and i'll be hard pressed to get the DH in it.
    where do we send it? i'll look on your post again...

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  24. got it. brisdan@comcast.net..i'm spreadin' the word!

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  25. Oh my goodness!!!

    I'm trying to get the picture thing worked out.

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  26. wow. That takes the cake. I don't have any experiences to share like that. Poor you. But it was funny :) I bet Michael tells that story too. How much longer did you date after that one?

    As for photos in running duds - they are all normal looking. Nothing to share :(

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  27. I am happy to report that something similar has almost never happened to me... :\

    I'll see if I can squeeze into some hideous running gear, just for you!

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  28. That's a good one. Nothing more mortifying than your boyfriend seeing your poop. Something similar happened to me when I literally crapped my pants in front of my husband (then boyfriend). Hey if he still married me after that.... true love.

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  29. You need your own sitcom! LOL

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  30. OMG, I was embarrassed for you reading this! I actually sat in front of my computer saying "OMG...OMG...OMG..." Not sending a picture because I am a new pseudo runner, meaning I am only up to 2.25 miles on a treadmill, so I have not had enough time to get any crazy running gear. But your story..OMG!

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  31. Well, since I sort of pulled the plug on my running career, I don't really need to win more gear, so the 1 or 2 other guys who read this blog have a better shot of winning the contest.

    Can't compete in most embarassing moment either (or maybe I'm just more discreet).

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  32. Ahh nope, not in Denver. I am in the Springs. We have no good marathons down here unless you want to run up Pikes Peak... which I most certainly do NOT.

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  33. ahahahahahah that story is HORRIBLE!!!!! I can 100% feel your pain. I too have been blessed with a gremlin gut. I take stop-n-drops on my runs. I even run with paper towel because it is better able to take care of things in an emergency. I love your blog.

    And you have my sex-ay photos already.

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  34. GOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! HOLY CRAP literally! That's the kind of story that I fear happening to me but never has, and here it's happened to you! Like some nightmarish fairy tale coming to life. Wow. Agreed. You DO need your own sitcom!

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  35. OMG - I was so embarrassed for you - but this is so funny. But of course not at the time!! You poor thing.

    Well my friend and I are dressing up as Super Turtles for AR50 tomorrow - cape and all, so it may not be the goofiest, but I'll send it to you.

    LOL

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  36. If you only knew how hilarious I find pooping and farting stories! Wow! I'm in tears! Seriously, thanks for sharing!

    And, I'm a procrastinator anyways, so if I do a pic, it will be last minute, but I've got my HM Sunday, so we'll see!

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  37. Oh my Gawd! WOW I don't even know what to say. That is AWFUL!! I almost feel bad enough that I might take an embarrassing pic...

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  38. Note to self: She did not marry Michael. Do not poop on the floor of the grandparents of the boy you want to marry!

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  39. sorry...I SO need a new hydration pack, but I've got nuthin'.... I just never match and that hardly equals that story..the horror..

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  40. OMG I was seriously cringing while reading that story! I haven't had anything that bad happen--I'm more of a series of small embarrassments happening constantly. Sending you a picture right now!

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  41. Oh man. I hope you didn't get crap on your shoes. So I'm assuming you tried to throw yourslef in front of a moving car after that, right?

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  42. Oh dear god, I feel for you, woman! I have had my share of embarrassing "having to excuse myself b/c my stomach is upset" moments...but this is a new level of humiliation.

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  43. I cannot stop laughing. OMG. Thanks for linking back to this. I'm crying.

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