Last Minute Gifts–SUAR Style

‘Tis the season for gift giving. We all are sick of the standard gifts like fake dog poop and Snuggies. This year, get creative. Give your loved one something they will really remember.

Handerpants (thanks, Brutalism):

This is the perfect gift for that special someone who loves underpants, yet hates that they are hidden all day long. With these fingerless gloves, you can use a phone or typewriter, pick your nose or even flip someone off. Not recommended for wiping. Only $11.95 + shipping.

Crapola

Suggested to me by Beth (great name), Crapola’s motto is “Makes even weird people regular!”   Created by a husband and wife team, their recipe is simple: Cranberries + Apples + Granola = Crapola! As far as I know, it does not contain crap or anything related to feces. I always say, the couple who craps together stays together. $4.95 + shipping.

Penis Hat for the Guys:

I found this gem at www.Zazzle.com. Men tend to be obsessed by their penises. Some men are obsessed by running. This hat represents the place where the two meet. $26.90 + shipping.

Bacon Air Freshener

This unlikely Bacon Air Freshener is the perfect way to brighten any carnivore's day. Put one up in the family room and everyone will have a sudden craving for a BLT. Each has a handy string for hanging and measures about 4'' tall. $2.00 + shipping.

Instant Underpants

This product was obviously made with SUAR in mind. These underpants are conveniently compressed into a compact pellet. Just soak them with water momentarily and they'll loosen up so that you can pull them apart! And remember, it's better to have damp underpants than no underpants at all! $6.50 + shipping.

 

Don’t say I never contributed anything of value to your life or to the blogging world,

SUAR

Dead Santas

How’s your holiday shaping up? Around here, we put up the tree:

It’s alive. I hope I can keep it alive. I usually kill it in the first 24 hours then spend the next 20 days sweeping up pine needles.

And, then there are the ornaments. What a collection of odd little things. I guess that’s why I love them. They all symbolize something. You can learn a lot and I mean A LOT about someone by looking at their ornaments:

First year of marriage. Seems like eons ago (15  years). Why we are driving a car I’ll never know:

Homer Simpson. In his famous words, “I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.”

The martini glass. You all know I’m a lush so no explanation necessary.

The kids (1, 4 years old). Collective “awwwww…”:

You know who we root for around here (bye, bye Josh McD)

No explanation necessary:

Me, before my first marathon (Rock ‘n Roll Phoenix ‘09) when I had brown hair and wore USA track suits:

The newest ornament was a surprise. Remember that crazy RV trip we took this summer? Well, somewhere along the way in some gift shop, the kids bought this ornament. They used their own money and kept it a secret until now. Damn secretive kids buying me gifts with their own money! I oughta…

Then there is the long procession of Santa photos on the mantle:

7 years ago the kids sat on the mean Santa’s lap. Just look. He’s a monster.You can tell Emma was nervous:

Funny thing about that was, later on that night we went to a Christmas party and that mean Santa was there, drunk, dressed in street clothes. No lie. I tried to shield the children.

Then, there is the nice Santa. This has got to be one of my favorite pictures ever. Sam at 3 years old:

Emma was checking out all these photos and talking about the “mall” Santas who we have already discussed are not real, just regular folk dressed up. She very thoughtfully said, “I wonder how many of these Santas are dead now?”  A touching Christmas thought.

And, now for the grand finale, the family holiday card.

This is the first year in the history of our family that a non-family member has made the card.

But, he’s Dean. Everyone will understand.

How’s your holiday decorating shaping up? What do your ornaments say about you?

SUAR

Baby Jesus for Breakfast

It’s a favorite day around here. We like to call it chocolate for breakfast.

December 1st and that means advent calendars. I used to have the loser one that had pictures of angels and fireplaces when you opened the windows. Dammit, I have dedicated my life to my children having better advent calendars than I did. The ones that are devoid of meaning and full of molded cheap chocolate shaped like the baby Jesus. $1.99 at Target.

So, they get chocolate. Everyday. Before breakfast.

It’s okay. It’s just a small piece. Don’t go calling social services or anything. It’s not like I fart in the car and lock the windows or shove anyone’s head under the covers for a Dutch oven. Well, maybe once.

Yep, we’re gearing up for Christmas. Baby Jesus for breakfast and Dutch ovens. What am I wishing for? To bid the pussy posse farewell and do some land running.

I didn’t make it to the pool today. I hit the gym for 45 minutes of stationary bike action. It rocked. I really liked the part where I got to stare at a soundless television and smell the B.O. from the guy’s ass on the treadmill right in front of me. I’m not a huge treadmill fan, having once fallen off and preferring to run outdoors. But, I miss running so much I even desperately and wholeheartedly long for the treadmill. I would give my left nut (or Ken’s) to be able to do a run on that thing.

It’s been 54 days since my last run. Sad thing is, I didn’t even know it was my last. Had I known I might have done it naked or had a going away party. Or at least appreciated it more.

I think my greatest fear with all this injury stuff is that I will not heal and I will not run again. Or, that I will never run again in the same way. I know it’s a drastic and dramatic fear, but it’s not that different from hearing a noise in the night and deciding it’s someone coming to behead you and your family.  Well, I guess it is kind of different, but my point is that the mind likes to go to crazy places if you let it.

My friend, Dana, is someone I have not met in person. He began emailing me right before I got injured after having read about me in the paper. He is a local runner from Longmont and has an impressive running resume including countless marathons and seven consecutive Leadville 100s. He’s also done the Western States Ultra.

The dude has been running injury free for 40 years!  He always knows just what to say. Yesterday, he sent me these words. I want to share them with you because I think it’s good advice for all of us on the injured list (which some days feels like the majority of us). You can substitute “hip” for your injury of choice (plantar fasciitis, knee, achilles, tibia, etc.):

I am convinced that whether your hip likes it or not, it will heal out of shear mental will power. Come hell or high water, you are going to mentally force your hip to heal.

Coming back to earth, your body really does get a vote and it reminds you of that once in a while with a twinge of pain.  When you start running again, it will be difficult not to place all of your focus on your hip. It is important not to forget the rest of your body. Don't forget that everything else has not had the benefit of the demands of running for 3 months as well and will need to be reintroduced to running right along with your hip.

I have found that after taking extended breaks, you will feel like you are starting all over for about 2-3 weeks but all of a sudden everything will fall into place and you will magically be close to the level you where at before the injury. You just need to have patience in the first few weeks you are back running. During those first few weeks expect it to feel like Boston will be impossible but just have the confidence that everything in your body and mind will click at some point and overnight things will change completely.

The worst thing you can do is force your training in those early weeks. The only thing that will do is delay the magical day when everything falls into place and it will also put you at great risk of developing another injury.

In the meantime, put a new pair of running shoes on your Christmas list, you will be needing them in a few short weeks.

I hope he’s right,

SUAR

What's On Your List?

First off, Rachel is doing a great giveaway - A signed copy of Rules for Runners! So check it out.


Do you ever wonder if running is taking over your life? It might be if you:

• Plan your poops around your runs (to avoid a mess in the drawers or a roadside crap)
• See or hear the word "marathon" anywhere and perk right up even if it's referring to a series of shows in a row on TV (ergo - a "Christmas Story " marathon)
• Disappear when your new issue or Runner's World comes (maybe you're in the crapper pretending to poop or maybe you're combining the pre-run poop with some good reading)
• Gravitate towards and feel a kinship with anyone who runs. Even if they are five years old.

Me? This is how I know running has taken over my life. Without even trying or thinking about it, my Christmas list turned into this (yes, I still have a Christmas list. Ken and I still buy gobs of stuff for each other on Christmas and birthdays. There is nothing like saying "I love you" by spending tons of money on crap):

1. Subscription to Women's Running Magazine

I am a woman and I run, so seemed appropriate

2. Book: Brain Training for Runner's


So I can get my brain on board with my upcoming marathon training and marathon running. In case you didn't know, the mind is a powerful thing.

3. Capri Running Tights


I only have one pair. They smell.

4. Cheetah Running Skirt from RunningSkirts with matching headband

My new thing is this: just like how you wear crap clothes all day everyday, but then you go to a party and dress up? I am going to wear crap running clothes every time I run, but when it comes to races I am going to KILL IT with my outfits. Yes, I'm going to dress up. NEVER in a costume, mind you, but just in cute running clothes. Why? I don't know. It's just something to do and maybe it will make me faster. And we all know cheetahs are fast. To go with this sweet outfit I might also get a cheetah on my Betty. (JK).

5. Stability Ball

Everyone needs a big orange ball. Okay, we all know that the only thing I have going for me is my abs. Boobs? I'm a barely "A" cup. Butt? Saggy at best. Legs? Stumpy and short. So I figure I'll continue to pimp those abs with this stability ball and I will also, hopefully be strengthening my core for better running. Apparently there is some correlation.

Do you see a common theme here? It's all about the running. All of it.

What's on your list?

Drinking: Starbucks Christmas Blend

Number of times I used the word "crap" in this post: 6