Nipple In the Middle

Right now I smell like an armpit that has been rolled in ass. At least Lucky’s not scared off by the stench. I think he rather likes it. Dogs are weird that way. He’s probably eat my poop if I let him.

Today’s brick started bright an early. The plan was to ride for 2:45, but we were faster than expected and ended up with 44 miles in 2:35 with no stops. I’m getting GOOD at eating on the bike!

There was 1,500 feet of elevation gain, so definitely some hill work involved. I like the perfect nipple in the middle of this elevation chart. The white dips look like a pair of 80 year old boobs.

The kids were just rolling out of bed when we walked in stripping off our helmets and lacing up our running shoes. I think they think we are crazy.  They’d rather eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch and watch Sponge Bob. Damn normal kids.

I really wanted to get in in an hour run so I could make this a 3:30 brick. When I get stuff in my head, it is very hard for me to NOT do it. About a mile in my left side (stress fracture side, eek!!) started feeling kind of wonky. Not major discomfort, just some slight pain in the hamstring and left butt cheek. But, this is the type of aching I had prior to my injury, so I don’t want to mess with it.

I played that internal game of, “Am I just being paranoid? How bad is this really? I’m sure I’m fine. No, wait. It’s not worth it. I should stop. Blah, blah.”

This is the very moment that separates a smart athlete from a dumb-as-shit-athlete (DASA).

I have fallen into the DASA category a few times. Pushed when I should not have. I am convinced that it is one of the most difficult challenges we face in our training when we need to back off due to potential injury, fatigue, overtraining, illness. Most of us runners and triathletes are not good at this. We think it makes us inherently weak if we don’t finish our workout or training hours for  the week. We think it means we will not perform well in our race.

Bullshit. Taking care of yourself makes you strong, not weak. It should be priority #1. There is nothing superhero about pushing when you shouldn’t. It  just makes you a DASA.

This doesn’t mean you don’t kick ass during your workouts and reach your limits. There is a time to push because that makes you stronger. But, you have to give your body time to adapt to what you are putting it through. Usually, this is in the form of recovery days. Stress your body, but then give it time to adapt. If not, you may run the risk of overtraining and being injured.

As I continued running, stuff swirled through my head. Crutches. Not being able to race. Crying. Pussy posse. Water running. No eff’ing way. Not going back there.

I stopped. I walked. I was pissed for a minute because I wanted the hour long run, and what I got was a 3 mile run and a .5 mile walk. But then I was proud of myself for knowing when to say when. It might not sound like a big deal, but this was HUGE for me. I am such an overachiever, I never cut myself a break. By the time I got home it was all good.

On top of all the biking and swimming, I ran 30 miles this week. I’m going to rest from running for a few days and focus on bike, swim and yoga.

That’s my wisdom for the day. Now I’m off to mail off all these babies:

And, maybe to watch more of the crazy side-line people chasing the Tour de France riders. It’s one of the only time you get to see full naked butts on daytime TV:

Do you pull back in your training when you need to? Do you always incorporate recovery weeks into your training? I have a recovery week every 3-4 weeks. I usually decrease my training volume by about 20%-30%.

Are you watching the Tour? I’ve been in and out of watching, but it is so motivating!!

SUAR

PS: I know you’ve got a special hidden talent (SHiT) to share. You could win a Shut Up and Run shirt! Check out my contest/giveaway HERE, or at least go read the comments, they are hilarious!!

Running on the Moon– videos

Once upon a time when I was laid up with a hip stress fracture, I wondered if I would ever run without pain again. I actually had dreams of running pain free – in these dreams I would be running and suddenly realize that nothing hurt. It was the best and most liberating feeling in the world.  Then, I would wake up and turn over to find my crutches beside my bed and think “Ugh. Another day on those things. Another day of this no running bullshit.”

It was kind of like when you were a kid and you woke up and thought it was Saturday, then realized it was Tuesday and that you had to get up for school. Major let down. Makes a grown man cry.

It was about that time that I learned about the anti-gravity treadmill – the Alter-G.

This machine, designed for NASA astronauts, allows people to run using just a portion of their body weight (up to only 20%!) thereby greatly lessening impact. The injured can run again! Those stricken with arthritis can walk/run pain free! Safe for seniors! Allows overweight folks to run using less of their body weight.

You may even remember that I wrote about how this amazing piece of equipment as I drooled over the thought of being able to run on an injured hip. I searched around but could never find a place where I could try one out. Until now.

A couple weeks ago Outside PR contacted me. Guess who is one of their new clients? Alter G. And guess who just acquired a new Alter G treadmill? The Life Care Center of Colorado, which is about three miles from my house. What are the chances?? Alter G and I were destined to hook up, but not in the biblical sense.

Using this device involves getting into a pair of neoprene shorts topped with a stiff reinforced fabric that encircles the waist. I love stiff things, so this was perfect. I call this my stiff tutu or fart chamber.

The lower half of my body was sealed in and air was pumped in. It felt good.  Here I am trying to figure out the controls. You can choose the percentage of body weight you want to run at, speed (which only goes up to 12mph. Don’t they know I run a solid 13 mph?), and incline. It can also go in reverse. Fancy.

I couldn’t resist some SUAR footage. If you ever felt bad for thinking I was kind of dramatic and dorky, I give you full permission to  embrace those thoughts after watching this (and no I didn’t really wear my medal and yes I need a tan, a haircut and a root job).

The funniest part was, when she was suiting me up the physical therapist said, “I read your blog and just so you know no bowel explosions in the shorts.” Good thing I don’t get embarrassed easily.

I started at 80% body weight and went down from there. Eventually I was at 20% body weight. At this point you feel you are barely touching the treadmill. For every 10% of body weight you decrease, you should add .4 mph of speed to keep your cardio equivalent. Or something like that. I wasn’t taking notes and should have been.

Getting my groove. Not even a fart escaped, but your lower body is in its own chamber anyway, so I say fart away! That alone is totally worth the $30K that these babies cost.

As you are running on less body weight, a forefoot strike is encouraged.

Then they let Ken try it:

I don’t wish I were injured, but I can only fantasize about how amazing it must feel to have pain with walking/running, then to get on one of these things and move pain free and resume training. Thanks to Outside PR and Life Care for giving me the opportunity!

I wish I could do an Alter-G giveaway. When I am rich from my acting skills, I will buy one and give away one.

Would you want to try this thing? Or have you already?

SUAR

His and Her Thongs

The marathon training plans are up. Me: Boston. Him: Colorado

 

His and hers for the new year. It used to be his and her beer mugs. His and her thongs. Times have changed. But, we still drink beer and wear thongs.

Mine is the obnoxiously colored one. I created both plans, as well as three others for new clients. Ken’s was relatively easy just taking into account his goal time, current fitness, preferences for speed work, etc. It will be his first marathon with a goal time of 3:43 (based on a 1:44 half marathon time). 3:43 is a good number because it one minute slower than my PR. Got to keep him in his place. He is running the Colorado Marathon on May 1.

Mine, on the other hand, was a challenge. Hard to create a marathon training plan for someone who cannot currently run.

I found myself remembering when I was 11 months old and could not walk. My mom made me a walking training plan with a goal of walking from the living room to my crib in just a few short weeks.

At first I fell and cried. Then I got up and walked a couple of steps. I fell again and bruised my ass. I laid on the floor, had a bottle of warm milk, filled my diaper and tried again. By the next week I was walking, albeit wobbly, from the coffee table to the chair. I gained momentum and pretty soon I made it to the hallway. People clapped and sang my praises. On day 15, I walked all the way to my crib. I looked down at my Garmin to see a pace that any mother would be proud of.

That’s when I knew more walking was in my future. I told my Big Bird stuffed animal that the next week I might walk from the swings to the slide at the park. He shook his head as if to say, “One step at a time, tiger. Don’t get ahead of yourself you might get hurt.” I looked at him, “Screw you Big Bird,” I yelled. “You think you're so cool and wise with your goofy yellow feathers. What kind of bird are you anyway? I’ve got things to do.”

{The above is a fiction story. I am trying to make a very smart correlation between starting from zero and making your way to infinity. My mom didn’t really have a training plan and I didn't have a Garmin. Just a Swatch.}

I was right, even back then. I do have things to do. But, it has to be conservative and slow this time around. Probably good for a Type-A perfectionist freak like me.

Be where you are.

It KILLS me to make a training plan that involves only eight minutes of running per day for the first week. But, it is a baby step. If all goes well, by week four I will be running 20 minutes at a time, then the real stuff kicks in. My first “real” running week (week six) will have me running a total of 14.5 miles. This will seem like a miracle to a girl who was on crutches only eight weeks ago. The plan tops out at 31 miles per week, with my longest run being 16 miles. Not the ideal marathon training plan, but hopefully one that will keep me safe and ready to run on April 18.

Overall, it’s a plan my doctor would be proud of with lots of cross training and reasonable week to week progressions in mileage. There is no speed work, no marathon pace runs. There is not even a marathon goal time. In all honesty, I won’t know how to gauge that until I am deep into my training cycle and know more of how my hip will respond.

Be where you are.

Most likely, the goal will be to finish with clean drawers and a two hips.

Can you run a marathon with this kind of prep? I don’t know. But, I’m about to find out.

Should I buy our plane tickets? Should I dare to be that confident?

Please vote:

Option A: Buy the damn tickets and stop your whining.
Option B: Don’t spend the money until you’re sure you can get there in one piece
Option C: Screw the tickets. Run to Boston from Colorado. What are you, a pussy?

Going to launder the thongs,

SUAR

Baby Jesus for Breakfast

It’s a favorite day around here. We like to call it chocolate for breakfast.

December 1st and that means advent calendars. I used to have the loser one that had pictures of angels and fireplaces when you opened the windows. Dammit, I have dedicated my life to my children having better advent calendars than I did. The ones that are devoid of meaning and full of molded cheap chocolate shaped like the baby Jesus. $1.99 at Target.

So, they get chocolate. Everyday. Before breakfast.

It’s okay. It’s just a small piece. Don’t go calling social services or anything. It’s not like I fart in the car and lock the windows or shove anyone’s head under the covers for a Dutch oven. Well, maybe once.

Yep, we’re gearing up for Christmas. Baby Jesus for breakfast and Dutch ovens. What am I wishing for? To bid the pussy posse farewell and do some land running.

I didn’t make it to the pool today. I hit the gym for 45 minutes of stationary bike action. It rocked. I really liked the part where I got to stare at a soundless television and smell the B.O. from the guy’s ass on the treadmill right in front of me. I’m not a huge treadmill fan, having once fallen off and preferring to run outdoors. But, I miss running so much I even desperately and wholeheartedly long for the treadmill. I would give my left nut (or Ken’s) to be able to do a run on that thing.

It’s been 54 days since my last run. Sad thing is, I didn’t even know it was my last. Had I known I might have done it naked or had a going away party. Or at least appreciated it more.

I think my greatest fear with all this injury stuff is that I will not heal and I will not run again. Or, that I will never run again in the same way. I know it’s a drastic and dramatic fear, but it’s not that different from hearing a noise in the night and deciding it’s someone coming to behead you and your family.  Well, I guess it is kind of different, but my point is that the mind likes to go to crazy places if you let it.

My friend, Dana, is someone I have not met in person. He began emailing me right before I got injured after having read about me in the paper. He is a local runner from Longmont and has an impressive running resume including countless marathons and seven consecutive Leadville 100s. He’s also done the Western States Ultra.

The dude has been running injury free for 40 years!  He always knows just what to say. Yesterday, he sent me these words. I want to share them with you because I think it’s good advice for all of us on the injured list (which some days feels like the majority of us). You can substitute “hip” for your injury of choice (plantar fasciitis, knee, achilles, tibia, etc.):

I am convinced that whether your hip likes it or not, it will heal out of shear mental will power. Come hell or high water, you are going to mentally force your hip to heal.

Coming back to earth, your body really does get a vote and it reminds you of that once in a while with a twinge of pain.  When you start running again, it will be difficult not to place all of your focus on your hip. It is important not to forget the rest of your body. Don't forget that everything else has not had the benefit of the demands of running for 3 months as well and will need to be reintroduced to running right along with your hip.

I have found that after taking extended breaks, you will feel like you are starting all over for about 2-3 weeks but all of a sudden everything will fall into place and you will magically be close to the level you where at before the injury. You just need to have patience in the first few weeks you are back running. During those first few weeks expect it to feel like Boston will be impossible but just have the confidence that everything in your body and mind will click at some point and overnight things will change completely.

The worst thing you can do is force your training in those early weeks. The only thing that will do is delay the magical day when everything falls into place and it will also put you at great risk of developing another injury.

In the meantime, put a new pair of running shoes on your Christmas list, you will be needing them in a few short weeks.

I hope he’s right,

SUAR