Tragedy

Today I had a tragedy. Due to way too much snow/slush/messy crap still on the ground, I found myself on a treadmill at the gym again this morning. This makes like 95 times in the past week, or it feels that way.

One of the things that makes the ‘mill bearable is music. I put in my ear buds, and SHIT. Are you kidding me? No battery charge. When will technology get advanced enough so I never have to remember to charge stuff? I almost turned around, slapped the guy behind me on the bike (not that he deserved it, but someone has to get the brunt of my unhappiness), and stormed out the door. However, I dug deep for inner strength, found it, and began my workout anyway.

One of my favorite things to do on the treadmill to keep it interesting (besides playing the Outlast Game) is doing hill work. This is one thing that is much easier to do on a treadmill than on the trails or road. I put the setting on “random” which means that every minute or so the incline changes. I put it on a tough setting, so that when the incline does change, it's pretty significant. I then choose my speed and don’t change it throughout the workout. This means that whether the incline is 0% or 5%, I am challenging myself to keep my same pace. It is not easy. Today’s workout was five miles at 6.8 mph (8:49 min/mile), which is a piece of pound cake while it’s on 0% incline, and a piece of hard ass shit when it’s on 5%. Or, maybe I am just a pussy.

Damn! but a hard, sweat fest is fun and satisfying (TWSS).

I rushed home, showered, and threw some 15 Bean Soup in the crockpot (I soaked the beans overnight) before heading to work. Best hearty, winter soup EVER. Guaranteed to promote flatulence! Says so on the label.

On my drive I saw this bumper sticker on someone's car and it make me laugh out loud (LOL!!). Yes, I  am in fifth grade, thanks for asking.

By the way, the third installment of the Refuel with Chocolate Milk videos from Vegas was posted yesterday HERE. You can see what a dork I look like when I am trying to be serious and thoughtful. I do way better being immature and crude. The first and second episodes are HERE and HERE if you care. I find them entertaining and not just because I’m in them. Refuel did a great job putting these together. There are two more to come!

When the weather makes it almost impossible to run outside, do you treadmill-it or just skip it? Be honest. I usually weather the bad weather (wind, rain, cold temps, blistering hot temps, snow). But if it’s really slick outside I go indoors because no run is worth breaking a bone and being laid up for months with the pussy posse. I hardly ever just skip it.

Do you always run with music? I do. It motivates me. I only train without it if the race I’m training for doesn’t allow iPods.

Best bumper sticker you’ve ever seen? When I was a kid I loved “Save gas, fart in a jar” and “Is that your face or did your neck throw up?” Not sure why. Still pretty funny. Yep, still in 5th grade.

SUAR

Treadmills Suck, But I Still Want An Answer

The treadmill and I are not friends. It started when I fell off of the damn thing a couple of years ago. After that it was all downhill. In my opinion, the only advantage of a treadmill is that there is always a bathroom nearby so you don’t have to resort to using innocent parking lots or hollowed out trees as your canvas.

This is the actual tree I defiled. If you visit me, I will take you there.

I live in Colorado, no duh. I train outside throughout the winter. You can call me a BAMF if you want. It wouldn't be the first time I’ve been called names that included the "MF.” Fortunately, although we get a fair amount of snow it never sticks around for long and the air so dry that we don’t get layers upon layers of ice forming on the roads. The trails may be a different story, however. I tend to stick to the roads in the winter months. I use my Yak Trax when necessary.

That said, I heard something interesting today in the car.

A secret about me: I LOVE talk radio. I have an XM Radio and listen to it constantly (I drive a lot for work and sometimes I just drive around town to pretend I have somewhere to go). I listen to everything from Dr. Laura to Cocks with Patrick. I would listen to Howard Stern if I had Sirius. I don’t discriminate. 

Anyway, today on Oprah Radio (yes, I am admitting to that as well), Oprah’s fitness guru, Bob Greene, said that you should never run on a “flat” treadmill because that is the equivalent to going downhill on a real road. When the hell am I going to reach the point in my life where I know everything and nothing comes as a surprise? I guess I should have known this, but I didn’t. Did you?

This doesn’t really apply to me so much since I don’t dig treadmills, but if you use it as a major part of your race training, you might want to think about it. Then again, you probably already knew this.

Sometimes the things I don’t know I find out most people knew a long time ago. Like the fact that the word “asterisk” does not have an “x” in it and that jackalopes are not real.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT?

Yes, three years ago on a trip to Jackson Hole (I said “hole”) we were in a gift shop and there were a plethora of fake/stuffed jackalopes around. I made some comment to Ken about having never seen one in the wild, and he was like, “Don’t f*ck with me. You are kidding me right? You don’t think they really exist do you? Maybe you should start a leprechaun support group.” Uhh, yeah, sure I was just kidding.

There is no way this little guy is fake

Back to the treadmill.   Did I tell you I once saw a jackalope doing a 49% incline on the treadmill? True story.

Do you always run with an incline on the ‘mill to simulate outdoor running?

What’s something you just learned that everyone else already knows?

Weirdest spot you’ve ever crapped?

SUAR

Don’t forget my Champion clothing giveaway. Ends Friday.

Running on the Moon– videos

Once upon a time when I was laid up with a hip stress fracture, I wondered if I would ever run without pain again. I actually had dreams of running pain free – in these dreams I would be running and suddenly realize that nothing hurt. It was the best and most liberating feeling in the world.  Then, I would wake up and turn over to find my crutches beside my bed and think “Ugh. Another day on those things. Another day of this no running bullshit.”

It was kind of like when you were a kid and you woke up and thought it was Saturday, then realized it was Tuesday and that you had to get up for school. Major let down. Makes a grown man cry.

It was about that time that I learned about the anti-gravity treadmill – the Alter-G.

This machine, designed for NASA astronauts, allows people to run using just a portion of their body weight (up to only 20%!) thereby greatly lessening impact. The injured can run again! Those stricken with arthritis can walk/run pain free! Safe for seniors! Allows overweight folks to run using less of their body weight.

You may even remember that I wrote about how this amazing piece of equipment as I drooled over the thought of being able to run on an injured hip. I searched around but could never find a place where I could try one out. Until now.

A couple weeks ago Outside PR contacted me. Guess who is one of their new clients? Alter G. And guess who just acquired a new Alter G treadmill? The Life Care Center of Colorado, which is about three miles from my house. What are the chances?? Alter G and I were destined to hook up, but not in the biblical sense.

Using this device involves getting into a pair of neoprene shorts topped with a stiff reinforced fabric that encircles the waist. I love stiff things, so this was perfect. I call this my stiff tutu or fart chamber.

The lower half of my body was sealed in and air was pumped in. It felt good.  Here I am trying to figure out the controls. You can choose the percentage of body weight you want to run at, speed (which only goes up to 12mph. Don’t they know I run a solid 13 mph?), and incline. It can also go in reverse. Fancy.

I couldn’t resist some SUAR footage. If you ever felt bad for thinking I was kind of dramatic and dorky, I give you full permission to  embrace those thoughts after watching this (and no I didn’t really wear my medal and yes I need a tan, a haircut and a root job).

The funniest part was, when she was suiting me up the physical therapist said, “I read your blog and just so you know no bowel explosions in the shorts.” Good thing I don’t get embarrassed easily.

I started at 80% body weight and went down from there. Eventually I was at 20% body weight. At this point you feel you are barely touching the treadmill. For every 10% of body weight you decrease, you should add .4 mph of speed to keep your cardio equivalent. Or something like that. I wasn’t taking notes and should have been.

Getting my groove. Not even a fart escaped, but your lower body is in its own chamber anyway, so I say fart away! That alone is totally worth the $30K that these babies cost.

As you are running on less body weight, a forefoot strike is encouraged.

Then they let Ken try it:

I don’t wish I were injured, but I can only fantasize about how amazing it must feel to have pain with walking/running, then to get on one of these things and move pain free and resume training. Thanks to Outside PR and Life Care for giving me the opportunity!

I wish I could do an Alter-G giveaway. When I am rich from my acting skills, I will buy one and give away one.

Would you want to try this thing? Or have you already?

SUAR

A Date with the Gait

***Important! Due to unforeseen logistical stuff, the Boston Marathon giveaway will end this Sunday, February 13, not February 17. The winners will be required to fill out their registrations and have them postmarked by February 18.

*******************

Was that the corner? Because I think I might have turned it. Again.

I have four words for you.

Four.Ten.Minute.Miles

Walk, run for a total of five miles.

Tuesday found me crying on the PT table out of frustration. Today found me crying on the treadmill out of euphoria. I am such an emotional dork/mess. A dorky mess.

Yesterday I spent some the most valuable 90 minutes I have spent in a long time. I had a gait analysis at the Boulder Center for Sports Medicine. I’ve had those drive thru gait analyses before at the running shoe store. The ones where they video tape you, then tell you which shoe is going to make your dreams come true and correct your pronation or penis curvature or whatever.

This was different.

If you’ve never had one of these done, and you are going to continue running, you need to invest. It will help you decrease chance of injury and increase performance. I'm not sure of the actual cost because insurance covered some of mine, so I ended up paying $105. I’m guessing if you paid cash it would be $300-$500?

I was really dreading this thing. I hate it when people watch me run and critique me. I hate it when I do anything and people critique me. It makes me feel critiqued. And vulnerable. And sometimes stupid and awkward and uncoordinated. This is why whenever I competed on the balance beam in high school I was a shaking, farting, sweating mess who always got 2/10. Try being nervous then dancing and somersaulting on a 4” piece of suede-covered wood.  

I also knew that my form probably sucked due to the injury and I figured I’d walk out of there feeling even more defeated.

Surprise of surprises. My form was decent, with a few corrections to be made.

The good:

1. I do not over stride, my feet land nicely under my hips when I run.
2. My stance width is narrow, but this is because I’m bowlegged, so not something I need to work on changing.
3. My hips are level with very little hip drop on either side.
4. No pronation.
5. Knees do not cave in
6. Body is centered with the exception of some leaning to the left to compensate for the injury
7. I have a decent hip tilt

Stuff to work on:

1. Not leaning to the left (that’s what he said). They are not sure if I lean due to the injury or if it is related to scoliosis or a leg discrepancy.
2. Increasing cadence. Mine is currently 166, and should increase to 176-180. This will apparently improve efficiency and performance and reduce overall impact. This is actually not too hard to do. On my run today, I checked in a couple of times each mile. My cadence was 180-200 (counting steps per 10 seconds and multiplying by 6).  My PT suggested using a metronome or downloading music that has 176 bpm to help keep on track. There are several websites that give you song ideas depending on what type of cadence you want to keep. There is a good one from Runner’s World HERE. I found that a quicker turnover felt much better on my body today and allowed for a softer foot strike and a lighter feeling overall. I do strike on my heel, and the increased cadence will hopefully help to make me more of a mid-foot striker.
3. Arm placement. I punch my arms too far forward (see above) which can decrease performance and slow cadence thereby resulting in higher impact per stride. Fortunately, this is also a relatively easy thing to correct. I am working on driving my elbows back and stopping them near my ribs without crossing the midline.

I wish I could show you the before/after videos of me running. Below is a still shot. The left is before, the right is after. You can see how much further my arms come out behind me). They gave me the video to bring home with drill tips for improved form. Pretty cool. And, I didn’t even fall off the treadmill like the balance beam. I also didn’t fart like I did that one time when I was getting my gait analyzed at a shoe store.

Don’t forget my Boston Marathon giveaway. I have two entries to give. I’ve really enjoyed reading the “essays” so far. Just to be clear, the “panel” will be comprised of myself and some of your favorite bloggers (who have not entered). If you’re interested in being on the panel, email me.

Smiling,

SUAR

There Are Only Nine

If I had $25,000 to spare, I wouldn't travel around the world, buy a new car,  pay for my kids’ college or put a roof over their heads. I’d buy one of these:

It’s the Alter-G Anti Gravity Treadmill. These babies used to go for upwards of $75,000, but recently a new $25K model has been introduced. The perfect addition to put beside my 13 year old bike trainer.

Earlier this week the Denver Post wrote an article about the Alter-G. I became obsessed by this NASA-inspired beauty created for people just like me (well, rich people just like me).

In essence, this machine uses a compression system on the lower half of the body that allows the injured athlete to run using only a portion of their body weight. That means that impact can be lessened by up to 80%, thus reducing the pounding on joints, ligaments, tendons and muscles. Experts state that the Alter-G is a more effective means of training than water running because it allows the user to correctly simulate  running form. This is more difficult to do in the water.

Using this device involves getting into a pair of neoprene shorts topped with a stiff reinforced fabric that encircles the waist. The lower half of the body is sealed in and air is pumped in. The athlete then runs, almost weightless and without impact. The idea is that over time, the amount of body weight is increased until the runner returns to full impact.

If you are like me and have not been able to run pain free for months on end (damn stress fracture), this treadmill symbolizes light in a time of darkness. Hope in a time of despair. Training possibilities in the time of Boston.

There are only nine of these machines in Colorado, typically at rehab centers and the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs (where I hang out a lot).  Perhaps I will put a pair of panty hose over my head and break into one of these facilities so I can get my late night treadmill fix. Maybe I would do the Vagina Dance on it.

Although these have typically been used for the injured or the aging, now some elite coaches are using them as a supplemental training tool for healthy athletes

Have you ever been blessed enough to try one of these things?

Do you have $25,000 I can borrow? (Plus tax)

Maybe one of you could stand behind me and hold me in the air so that my feet barely touch the ground. Then I could run almost weightless. I’ll pay you $5 an hour.

I am back off land and in the pool where running doesn’t hurt nearly as much (or at all). Sucks.

Wanting to be weightless,

SUAR

8 Minutes to Boston

I like to call this the 8 to 230 Training Plan.

8 minutes = what I ran today

230 minutes = what I might run in Boston if I have a really, really freaking amazing day.

It could be more like 500. I am fine with that. I have to be.

Today is a big, big day. After exactly 3 months of being injured, I was granted the honor of going for a run. For 8 minutes. That was my ration.

Someone asked me recently why I spent three hours online the day of the Boston Marathon registration to make sure I got in. Why did I sit at my keyboard crying tears of frustration each time my application wouldn't go through?

I had to think about that for a minute. Really think. I had just learned of my stress fracture, and was feeling quite uncertain about my running future. What raced through my head was: I worked too hard to qualify and if I don’t get in today, I might not ever qualify again. This was it.

What else has to do with 8 minutes?

• Light takes 8 minutes to reach the earth from the sun
• It took Ada 8 (minus 2) minutes to take a dump on the Biggest Loser during her marathon
• If you keep an 8 minute mile average pace, you will run a 3:30 marathon
• Some men take 8 minutes. Doing what? You decide.

Today, mother nature was f*cking with me. I woke to snow and –2 degrees. Sure, it’s pretty around here, but it’s that colder than a witch's tit kind of cold.

View from my back porch this a.m. I live in a shit hole:

Here’s the lake where I love to run. I really wanted to be out here today, but my feet can’t tolerate the cold. Wah, wah, I know. But, I’ve had frostbite and I have Raynaud’s Syndrome, so lay off (do not Google image it, it’s gross. did you just Google it? don’t you listen?):

I begrudgingly got on the treadmill. The doctor said I could do my 8 minutes all at once, or spread them out. Wow, all 8 minutes at once would have made for a *very* short little midget workout, so I spread it out like this:

How did it go, you ask? I hoped it would be all euphoria, ecstasy and angels singing. But, in truth, I could have cried. It hurt. I’m stiff. My body feels off and wrong. Wonky. Is that even a word? That’s how I feel. 2.6 miles total. Please tell me it will get better.

Wonky: weird, whacked out, messed up, not working for no definable reason. synonym = pecker {source: Urban Dictionary}.

Pecker? Really? As in, “My body just feels pecker today?”

The good news is, I don’t think I’ve lost much fitness in the past three months. I have been dedicated to water running (because that Shut Up and Run Girl told me to) at least five times per week. I've been doing yoga and some swimming. Recently, I got on the bike trainer.

Last week I did this:

After my 8 minutes I went to the Starbucks’ drive-thru and my mood slightly improved when I saw this little snow man. Who knew the Starbuck’s baristas were so creative? Looks like he just pissed or has the runs.

Do you think it really will get better?

Trying to stay positive,

SUAR

The Day I Hated Running

It doesn't happen often, but sometimes I hate running (did I just hear the whole blog world gasp?). I find myself thinking unheard of thoughts like, "I hate this shit. Why do I do this? Who needs to train for a marathon anyway? Maybe I could take up pottery." Such was the case yesterday.

Here's the thing. When all the stars are aligned - the weather is a comfy 60 degrees, the sun is shining, your Garmin is fully charged, you have new songs on your iPod, your colon is clear of all poop and you got a good night's sleep, there is nothing on the face of the earth better than a long run. When the stars are all mixed up and jumbled, sometimes running is just not that fun. But, like anything, there are good and bad days. You can't make the bad days a time when you make your decisions about whether you like or dislike something. Basically you have to take an amnesia pill after a bad day so that it doesn't continue to discourage you.

I knew yesterday's run would be a longish run day - 12 miles, said my calendar. Bullshit, said I. I woke up to 20 degree temps and 3" of new snow (upon layers and layers of old snow). Reluctantly, I put on all the gear. I knew it would be a Yaktrax day, so I put on those as well.

Struggling to look excited:

Really struggling:

Being the pussy I am, I didn't want to run 12 miles outside. Being the pussy I am, I didn't want to run 12 miles on the treadmill. So, I came up with this genius idea to do a combination of both. Run three miles to the gym, run six on the treadmill at the gym and run three miles home. No matter how you slice it, it is still 12 miles, which pissed me off.

I headed out into the temps that made my eyes water. Immediately my Garmin gave me that "low battery" message. Crap. I put the Garmin back in the house. I don't need no device to tell me my pace anyway.

I ran and I ran and I ran. Making the first tracks of the day in the snow. I ran alongside a busy road and got pummelled and splashed with dirty slush. I was not having fun. I got to the gym and realized I was only 1/4 of the way done with my miles. I stripped off some layers and got on the treadmill. 2 miles in - turd alert. I paused the treadmill to take a dump. Then, back on the treadmill. Another two miles and stomach cramps. Paused the mill yet again for dump #2. One more mile and more cramps, but no way was I stopping. I cannot take three dumps in the span of six miles. Just couldn't do it. If I messed my pants, so be it.

I found myself annoyed by the dude on the bike behind me. He was pedalling as fast as he could with his keys in his pocket. This means that each time his leg came around, those keys would clang clang. He must have been a janitor because there was so much clanging it had to have been a huge set of keys. Dude, that's why we have lockers. Seriously.

Finished the treadmill portion. Put the layers back on over my sweating and gross body. Ate a raspberry cream gel (this was the highlight of the run - that stuff is good).

Headed back out into the cold. Only this time, much of the snow was already melted so I had to pound the bare pavement in my Yaktrax. If you've never done this, I don't recommend it. It kind of feels like nails on a chalkboard or grinding your teeth together. But it was either that or carry the Yaktrax and I didn't want to to that either. More cramping on the way home.

Made it home. Decided to just let the yuck feeling go. I know I love running. I know brighter days are ahead. You can't let one off day throw you off. Winter has felt really long this year. But the days are getting longer and the temps are raising slightly. Better days to come. I just know it.

Do you ever have days like this?

Drinking: H2O

No Dumping Allowed

I like to break the law when I can:

That there squat was the only exercise I got all weekend.

Don't lie. You guys have missed me since Thursday. I have been MIA because I've been so busy I've barely had time to crap let alone blog. Here's where I've been (Breckenridge, CO):

Well, it didn't look like that this weekend (that picture is from the MLS listing), it looked more like this.

My friend Julie and her family live here. Julie and I went to grad school together 15 years ago. Since then we've both married and have kids. I feel so bad for Julie. She has to live in this humble shack. To make matters worse she lives right at the base of the ski mountain. It sucks for her.

In reality, going to their house from ours was a bit like going from the Holiday Express to the Four Seasons. Man they have the most killer power flushers too. Not that I needed it or anything.

We went to visit for the weekend, just to get out of dodge. We learned that Julie's husband, Wayne, (who built that house above if you can believe it - I hang out with some pretty talented folk) has grown a soul patch since we last saw him. I had no clue what this was because I am not a snowboarder, I am not hip and I do not know much about facial hair. According to the urban dictionary a soul patch is:

That little round bit of facial hair, under the lower lip that says you are hip.

It can also be referred to as a dork tuft, pubes or, my personal fave, a p$*sy tickler.

We all had soul patches for the weekend. But mine didn't tickle anything.

Here's Julie and the real soul patch guy:

Here are Ken and me - a couple of soul patch wannabes. Mine just looks like I have a big piece of brownie on my face:

We mostly hung out and drank margaritas and made fun of each other.

Oh, and for you Christmas Vacation fans, we drove by the actual Walmart where this scene was shot (shown at about 2:35 in):

I did get off of my ass this morning to complete my five mile tempo run on the treadmill. I did not fall off. I did not get on a moving treadmill. The guy next to me did, however, drop his water bottle while running and it shot across the room. I find these things amusing.

Did you work out today? If so, what'd ya do?

Drinking: H20

Warning: Don't Slow Down

A couple of notes on a Monday, so I don't forget.

I just bought a new hair straightener. My hair is already straight, but I like to spend my money on things I don't need, so I bought one. I know the warnings on most products are ridiculous, but this was the dumbest one yet:

"Do not use while sleeping."

Really? Because I was going to go to bed tonight and do the impossible by straightening my hair while asleep, but I guess I won't attempt that after all. Maybe I will just eat my frozen pizza before I cook it or spray my deodorant in my eyes or use my microwave to dry my dog or use my toilet brush orally or substitute my earplugs with silly putty. Ooops, can't do those things either, according to the warning labels. Silly warning labels.

Second thing. We are all always looking for songs for our iPods. Those running songs that get you pumped and keep you going. Funny that even tho I have hundreds of songs on my iPod, I am desperately sick of them all. Ken told me about a great new running song by Matt & Kim called, "Don't Slow Down." Appropriate for a running song, n'est-ce pas? I pulled it up on iTunes, it is really does have a catchy beat. I LOVE this song. And I think it's a good song for your tempo and speed workouts because it tells you to not slow down. I'm pretty smart:

Third thing. I did my speed workout today on the treadmill. I usually do it at the track, but the track was occupied by pre-pubescent boys and I didn't want to wow them with my buxom bosoms. Anyway, the workout called for 5 miles with 1600 x 2 @ 7:30. Holy speedshit, this is 8 mph. When I turned the treadmill up that high it freaked me out, given last week's accident. So I actually did a total nerd treadmill thing and held on with one hand. I don't care what you think of me. At least I was safe. And it was nothing like the time I saw someone doing this on the treadmill.

Second to last thing. I am going to my first ever Bikram hot flow 90 minute yoga class tomorrow. Any advice from you regular Krammers?

Last thing. Check out this blog for a great giveaway and to leave your shock value story.

Drinking: H2O. Too late for coffee, too early for wine.

Re-enactment (video)

You guys kill me. Your reactions to my blog yesterday might have been even funnier than when I fell off the treadmill. I am relieved to hear that some of you do similar things like run into paper shredders and slip on grapes. I don't feel so alone. I also enjoyed hearing that you were laughing with me not at me, but we all know what that means. You're laughing at me with lots of sympathy.

I'd like to say we could put this episode behind us, but there is some unfinished business to attend to.

First of all, Ken pointed out, as did Alison, that it was impossible to figure out which body part this was:

Ken actually thought it was my nose, which is really funny if you take a minute to imagine it as my nose. Big freaking nose.

It is actually my knee. Here is the full picture. Sorry for the confusion:


Secondly, I would give my left nut (if I had one) to watch the surveillance video of myself falling off the treadmill, but I'm pretty sure that everyone who works at the gym has worn out the video by now. I can just hear it, "Hey Jake. You've got to see this. This stupid chick actually steps onto a moving treadmill. Check this out" and, "Why don't we go get a keg for tonight and watch that girl falling off the treadmill a few hundred times."

In the absence of such a video, the only mature thing to do was to create a re-enactment for your viewing pleasure. I warn you, I look really ridiculous in this video, but I ask you: who looks cool while falling off of a treadmill?

Dramatization. Do not try this at home:

I Bet You've Never Done This

Sometimes I really wonder about myself.

There was the time when I cut my ear while shampooing my hair because I kept the razor in my hand from shaving my legs and went to lather up my scalp and - ouch.

Then there was the time right before Ken and I got married when I was driving his car (yes, we were still in "his and her" land) when I got a foot cramp at a stop light. I put the car in park to massage my foot. I then took the car out of park (the light was still red - long light) and meant to put my foot on the brake, but instead put it on the gas, revved up and ran right into the truck stopped in front of me. The guy I hit was so confused. I'll never forget when he said, "You were just sitting there, stopped at the light when all the sudden you sped up and hit me. What the hell?" And yes, Ken still did marry me. You can talk to him about that.

Truly, the list goes on and on.

Well, unfortunately I got to add to my dumb-as-shit list today. I went to the gym, feeling a bit nervous about this tempo run I was going to do. So, maybe I was distracted. I hadn't done 7:56 min/miles in awhile. I got there and all the treadmills were taken. This never happens. So I change and stand around waiting for one to open up. Finally, an older woman gets off of her treadmill. I wasn't totally sure she was finished, so I asked her and she said she was. I guess I was so giddy to finally score a treadmill, that I walked up and got on the treadmill without realizing (wait for it):

The treadmill was on!

Yes, my friends, she had left it on. I was in enough of my own world that I didn't take note. Most people would have noticed it was on with the belt moving and all. But, nope, not me.

So, you can imagine what happens next. I swear if someone had been videotaping this I would for sure win some contest. I go flailing off the end of the treadmill (not unlike those contestants on the Biggest Loser who can't take it and roll off). My water, phone and iPod go flying. Someone (It might of been me starts yelling, "Oh no! Oh no!"). I am scrambling, trying to get some sort of footing, but I am on my stomach and really the only thing to do is to let the damn machine throw me onto the floor. This whole episode has actually made quite a bit of noise in our echoey gym, so I'm pretty confident everyone there saw this happen. The only thing that could have been worse is if I crapped myself during this escapade, but I was spared.

So what do I do? What any respectable person does when you make a fool out of yourself. You ignore any and all pain you are feeling and get up and act like you meant to do what you just did. You do anything and everything to divert attention away from yourself. Someone asks if I have any injuries. I'm smiling, giggling even as I say "Oh, no." But my knee is killing me and as I pick up my phone I notice it has a piece of skin on it (I later realize this is from my thumb).

And the tempo run? Hell yeah, I killed it! My ego might be kind of damaged and I might need to join a different gym, but those 7:56 min/miles have got nothin' on me. What's really ironic? I am coming back from a stress fracture and spend every ounce of my being trying to not get re-injured and then I go and do this. Seriously, what is wrong with me?

The damage (could've been a lot worse and yes those are hairs on my leg. If Nair wants to send me some samples to review, that would be fine):

PS: Happy birthday to Ken who turns 44 today. He is the love of my life. And he married me despite all of my short comings (bloody ear, wrecking his car, poopy pants).

Drinking: Nothing. Should be doing shots to forget what happened.

The Dog Did It (again)

Today it was -55 degrees here with blowing snow, hail and a minor hurricane.

I am just trying to one up everyone in the blog world who is talking weather and how freezing it is where they are. It seems it is effing freezing wherever you are. It is January after all. Except for those losers in Hawaii and Florida (I'm jealous, that's why I'm lashing out). Seriously, I just got out of my car and it was -9, so that's got to count for something.

This cold weather took me inside to the treadmill where I did my six miles. I was flabbergasted, blown away, and speechless when someone who works at the gym asked me how far I run every week because I "make it look so effortless." I have hardly ever in my life been complimented on my running. Consequently, I threw her down on the gym bathroom floor and kissed her (some tongue maybe) and asked her if she wanted my iPod and phone and children for keeps. Just because it was such a nice thing to say to someone like me who is a newer runner with a healing injury and pretty crappy form. Maybe she just was hitting on me. But I don't think so.

I also couldn't believe she complimented me because she was on the treadmill beside me and during my entire run I had the farts. The kind that slip out when your foot makes impact. The kind that might or might not make noise because your iPod is turned up so loud you can't hear your own toots. The kind that smell. The kind that linger. I know I pissed off some people. But I felt I couldn't help it. They slipped out periodically and totalled maybe only 15 for the whole six miles. That's not that bad, right? Next time I 'm going to bring my dog and let him lay by the treadmill the whole time so I have a legitimate scapegoat.

Oh, give me a break. Don't act all put out and offended. You know you fart too. If you didn't, you'd explode. Oprah even endorses it:

Unemployment Check: Oprah Endorses Farting Celebrities SPIKE.com

I did, indeed, get in my six miles. It felt good and apparently it was effortless. I am gearing up for training to start. I am feeling strong. I am cross training, doing yoga and running. I am signing up for a triathlon in June so I will be forced to cross train (swim, bike). There is nothing like paying a nominal race fee to get you motivated. Especially for us tight asses who can't stand to lose money. I swear, if I signed up for turd eating contest I would do it just because I paid the registration fee. But then I would never sign up for such a thing. Duh.

I'm a bit off today and needing humor, so bear with me. My dad has been in the hospital all week and not doing well, so I have had to find some relief where I can get it. I mean look at me. I have aged 20 years this week. Thanks for partaking in the rant.