Vagina Dance

You may or may not have heard about the Vagina Dance. Probably not. I am glad you come to SUAR for your news, because this is one headline you might have missed.

I’ll start by saying, I did not make up this dance, although it seems like something I could have created. I am sure I would be very good at it, and certainly the pussy posse and I could organize a flash mob at the local food court or bowling alley.

This is not a joke. It happened earlier this week. For real.

Picture this. You are a sophomore in Prairie Ridge High School in suburban Chicago (hey, isn’t that where Kovas lives?) You meander your way into your health class expecting the usual onslaught of diagrams and textbook phrases to depict menstrual cycles, ovaries and gonads (balls, nuts, sacs). Instead, you are barraged by a teacher, Jacqueline Levin, who asks you to get out of your seat and prance around as if you were a vagina.

Although I have a vagina, I can’t imagine how you dance like one. I couldn’t even stand still and imitate one no matter how hard I tried. But, apparently, this genius of a teacher masterminded a means of making her arms fallopian tubes, her hands ovaries, and piping in the “Hokey Pokey” song. She did this to help the students memorize the female reproductive parts.

Upon hearing this, one parent freaked out. Yep, it only takes one parent to spoil the fun. While the school district didn’t reprimand the teacher, the Illinois Family Institute sure did. They complained that,

“Her selection of this inappropriate instructional activity demonstrated a lack of empathy for those who may have a degree of modesty and self-respect that Levin does not possess. Did she consider that some students might feel uncomfortable participating in or even watching this dance and that they might fear being ridiculed if they chose to opt-out?”

I won’t even mention that the principal of this high school is Paul Humpa. Won’t go there.

I know it shocks you, but I’m not the most modest girl in the nudist colony. Therefore, I don’t take much issue with the dance itself. I can, however, see why some students and parents would balk at such a thing. If it were my class, I would have started with the anus dance and worked my way up from there. Like Laurie said, as long as you aren’t teaching the vagina and penis dancers to grind together, it’s okay.

Next time I go to the clubs in Vegas I am so bringing out that fallopian tube move.

By the way, Googling Vagina Dance images is a bit traumatizing. Just saying.

On a different note, PT was much improved today. My doc and PT had “a talk” and the attitude was vastly different. For the better.

I have decided to stop running until my pain lessens. I will keep water running, cycling, yoga and swimming for endurance. I will keep doing my PT exercises and building strength back up in my hip and glutes. I may be the first person ever to have run the Boston Marathon without training on land. Perhaps I will just run alongside in the Charles River and call it good.

Boston or bust.

How would you feel about your kids doing the vagina dance in high school health class?

Off to dance like a body part,

SUAR

Peep Show’s Over

I love a great story. Ted Williams. Over night sensation. From homeless to announcing on the Today show this morning and countless job offers. You’ve got to hear this dude’s voice:

Moving on..

My grab bag suit worked fabulously at the pool yesterday.

The lifeguards were kind of bummed that the peep show was over, but they were astounded by the bright colors in my new suit. The lap swimmers peeked into the deep end and admired my nylon/spandex blend, not for one minute realizing that this was a grab bag item. Members of the pussy posse were intrigued by the yellow and fuchsia combination and hoped to discuss it further at the early bird buffet this evening.

For those of you just joining the party, let me fill you in.

Quick update:

Injury: I was diagnosed with a stress fracture in my left femoral neck (hip) on October 13, 2010. I have not run since, but will resume next week. For eight minutes at a time. Guess what my post title might be that day? “Eight Minutes.” I am creative that way.

Pussy posse: I started water running back in October. The “older” ladies come to do water aerobics. I call them my PP. But, not to their faces.

Peep show: My past bathing suit had become incredibly see-through. I wore it long past its expiration date. I ordered a mystery suit from swim outlet (above) and am extremely satisfied.

Let me tell you something about water running. I do think it’s gotten a bad rap. The other day I got out of the water after a 60 minute workout. There was a guy there, obviously a swim coach, who I had never seen before. He said, “How’s the injury? Because there is NO WAY you would be running in the water unless you were injured.”  Damn swim coach. Thinks he knows everything. Thinks he knows me. But, he didn’t have any hair so I just said, “Thanks know-it-all baldy” and walked off. Score one for me!

Okay, he was kind of right. But, now that I have been doing this for a couple of months, I am getting it down. I have figured out how to make it an amazing workout, comparable to my runs on land (not the watery stool runs, the others). I have taken this time to work on my form, because being in the water gives you that option.

After a holiday break in which I drank wine and vodka nightly and ate my weight in caramel Chex mix, spiced nuts (I love nuts) and other weird things you only eat in December, I got back in the pool. I picked up where I had left off, which was a 48 minute workout. It felt very, very difficult. Yesterday’s workout was 56 minutes (21 x 1:30 w/30 sec rest) and I was close to passing out. Good thing I had a float belt on. My heart rate was screaming at 190 bpms. These water running workouts are going to serve me very well when I return to running. They seriously can kick your ass if your form is good and you push yourself.

I never thought I’d say this, but I will return to the pool at least once per week to water run even after I can run on land. It is just that good of a workout and easy on the body. I guess this is kind of like saying I’m only going to eat vegetables grown in my garden and I will only watch educational TV. Bullshit. But, it’s an intention, right? And a good one at that.

Off to hoe the earth and plant seeds while watching PBS,

SUAR

Dilemma! And Giveaway Winner.

The very lucky winner of the Ultimate Stocking Giveaway (with a whopping 395 entries) is #296 – ShebaJC from Thankfully Thorns Have Roses. You are one lucky chick. Now you can bathe in GU while wearing cool sunglasses, hats and socks. Email me at shutuprun@gmail.com and I’ll tell you how to claim your prize.

Holy crap. I have been so bombarded by work lately someone should just permanently solder (I know. Big, official word. No I am not a welder) the computer keyboard to my fingers. And, my office chair to my ass. This is getting ridiculous.

Here I am working. I only pick my nose when I really need to concentrate:

But, I always have time for you. And, the pool. Which brings me to today’s dilemma. Choose a side and let me know.

Question: Is it wrong/inappropriate to use the lap lane for water running?

Scenario: Today I was doing a 52 minute interval workout. I started in the deep end, but the pussy posse started to invade my space and I was feeling crowded. Plus, these ladies really like to chat, chat, chat and I’m not much of a chatter when I’m doing intervals. I’m more of  huffer and puffer. Like when I smoke.

So, I decided to move to a lap lane. Keep in mind the lifeguards had told me I could do this. I asked an older gentleman (penis posse member?) if I could share his lane. He seemed peeved. He said, “Well…I guess” with the same conviction that I say, “Well, I guess” when someone asks me to clean up the dog diarrhea on the carpet.

I started my thing, being very careful to stay on my side of the lane, giving grandpa ample room. The second another lane became open, Mr. Irritated moved over. I know he was pissed. I could read it in the lines on his face.

I should add, I would NOT attempt this with more than two people in a lane.

There are two sides:

Opposing: Hell no!! Lap lanes are for swimming only. Not dorky water running. I don’t care if you have a broken hip.

In Favor: Why not? I mean as long as you are just using your half of the lane, who cares what you’re doing? You paid the same amount to get in the pool as the lap swimmers. You should be free to gallop, cartwheel or do the Macarena to your heart’s content. Plus, if the PO (pool officials) say it’s okay, then you’re good.

I am curious what you think. Yay or Nay?

I realize I might get my ass chewed on this one. All you tri people will be sayin’, “NO you di’int!”

Not that it matters, but I already decided that I have to move my workout time. I don’t want to fight for room for my pussy and I don’t want to share a lane. But, I still am wanting to know your opinion…what’s the right thing to do?

Getting back to work,

SUAR

Getting Wet (video) and Tips for Water Running

As I’ve bored you with for the past two weeks, I’m water running. Almost.every.stinking.day. I only do this because I have a hip stress fracture and cannot run for real.  This has opened up a whole new world of flotation belts, iPods clipped to visors, geriatric friends, peeing in the pool and shaving the pubes daily. 

It’s only fair that I capture the experience for you live. The video does not disappoint. It’s just like you were there with me.

Today, after the water aerobic ladies (AKA “pussy posse”) vacated the deep end, we shot our footage. The adventure started at my house.

Indulge me. (And a special music treat for all those running in Philly).

Believe me, if you do intervals for 40-60 minutes and your form is right, it’s a GREAT workout.  And…someone asked why I wear the hat. Usually I clip my iPod to it.

Food for thought:

• Cardiovascular fitness decreases measurably after 2-3 weeks without training
• You don’t have to be injured to do it. It can be used as an alternative workout for anyone who wants to add mileage without adding the impact or stress of running on land. It can also serve as a backup plan on those cold, nasty days when you don't want to go outside or are tired of the treadmill
• You’ll burn about 500-600 cals/hour, depending on your exertion level, weight, etc.
• Heart rate will always be 10% lower in the water. 160 bpm in water = 176 bpm on land.
• Water should be deep enough that you cannot touch the bottom of the pool.
• Runners tend to have more lean body mass than swimmers, making them less buoyant so a flotation device is usually needed. If a flotation device is not worn, body position can become compromised and an undue emphasis is placed on the muscles of the upper body and arms to keep the body afloat
• Form should be upright, slight tilt at the  hip, legs come up about 75 degree angle to hip then pull down to an almost full extension down and behind you. High knees pushing forward (not up) through the water using your HIPS
• Tops of the shoulders, the neck, and the head should be above the surface of the water
• Head is centered, there is a slight lean forward at the waist, and the chest is “proud,” or expanded, with the shoulders pulled back, not rotated forward. Elbows are bent at 90 degrees, and movement of the arms is driven by the shoulders (source).
• When you are doing things properly you should feel that you are running hard uphill. If your legs are not screaming for mercy during hard efforts then you are either doing something incorrect or just not pushing hard enough!!
• Fun fact:  Olympic runner, Mary Decker Slaney set a world record at 2,000 meters after a month in the pool and only one  fast track workout prior to that race.

Never going to get an Oscar,

SUAR

Today’s Thoughts

You guys love some stickers! Sorry to say, the *free* 150 are gone. If you emailed me before 11 a.m. MDT, yours is free. I will have more available soon for $2/piece (includes shipping). You can buy them through the blog once I figure out how to do that. I’ll let you know when I’ve got them and am all set up.

Addressing 150 envelopes takes a long time. But, I still like it better than water running. Plus, I have help. It takes a village to send out stickers. Ken is trying to act all, “Yeah, my wife makes me do this and I’m too cool for this sticker thing.” But he’s seriously all jacked up inside. Plus, you can only look so cool with a squirt of yogurt on your shirt.

Here’s what occurred to me today:

• People like free stickers.
• Just like the SNL skit, the cashiers at Target are really interested in what you’re buying. Most seem partial to children’s clothes and candle items. “Oh, well, isn’t that cute? Where did you find that? I’m going to have to pick me up one of those!”
• I might only be able to water run for 40 minutes right now, but in 152 days I will run the Boston Marathon. On land. Not in a bathing suit. And, I will be pain free.
• Most of us pay too much for insurance. I bundled (auto/home) and saved $1,200 a year just by making a phone call. Worth the time. I’ve never used “bundle” as a verb before.
• I am a runner, but I am other things too.
• The junk drawer is always a mess. It doesn’t matter what I do. Tape measures, staples, chargers, condoms. It all just accumulates into one big pile of crap.
• We should never apologize for being ourselves and for doing what is true for us.
• Children stare at you when you’re on crutches. Adults mostly look the other way.
• Being injured gives you insight into yourself and others that you would not have otherwise had.
• There is always that one asshole on the road who cuts in front of you and slows down. Why? Why?
• Ménage à Trois wine is really good. You should try it sometime. I’m talking about the wine. I’m not that experimental.
• It’s true that brussell sprouts give you gas. We had them last night. I’m still farting.
• The dishwasher and trash are always full requiring me to do something
• Most of us are way too hard on ourselves. We would never expect others to do the things we demand of ourselves.

What occurred to you today?

Licking envelopes,

SUAR

PS: I’m OFF the crutches. Like completely. There is a God.

Two Cup Sizes (and Giveaway Winner)

Tonight’s dinnertime discussion:

Emma: What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Me: Ummm…don’t know, but it’s a great question

Emma: You can roast beef, but you can’t pee soup

Moving on. Water running is not like land running. For many, many reasons. I don’t love it. I kind of hate it, truth be told. I do it only because I have this stupid crack in my hip.

Despite my training plan that mixes things up every day, water running can be compared to watching paint dry or grass growing.  To maximize this training plan, and to avoid excessive loss of fitness, one is supposed to water run six times per week.

Let me say this. If I was of the male persuasion I would get a boredom boner from all that water running. If you haven’t heard of this type of erection, it is as follows (from the urban dictionary) :

This is a specific variety of boner which occurs when a person is so tired and/or bored that to increase blood flow and activity level, the body acquires an erection as a form of stimulant to heighten alertness.

I guess it’s fortunate I can’t get boners because that is unsightly in a bathing suit and would probably startle the water aerobics ladies. Lord knows with their doctor’s appointments and early bird specials they don’t need any more excitement or heart attacks in the pool.

Now that we’ve established that water running is boring enough to produce and promote erections in the best of us, suffice it to say that I have lots of time to think while I’m fake running in the water.

Today I pondered the new item available from Victoria’s secret, the Miraculous Push Up Bra. Vicki’s insists that this gem will “miraculously add 2 cup sizes to your breasts.” Supposedly women who are considering boob jobs are advised to purchase this bra to test out how it feels to be larger.

Two cup sizes? What’s are these bras made out of? Cantaloupes?

The Miraculous Bra comes in sizes 32AA to 38DD. Jeezus!  If you are already a 38DD you have no business graduating two cup sizes. That’s 38F ladies! I don’t even know what that looks like. Off to Google images, be right back.

Ah, hell. Didn’t find much in the way of good images, but did find this:

All you do is eat these cookies and your breast size is supposed to grow to an F cup. How does the cookie know? There is also cake, pudding and tea. Those Asians have amazing technology these days. And big ass boobs, I suppose.

Welcome to my world. The world of water running where your mind wanders to far off places.

Winner of the running skirt? This was not to be a random drawing. I asked why you read my blog to try to find out something very specific. Why you read my blog. What you like, why you bother. It is useful info to me.

Poop. Farts. Humor. Inspiration. Information. Crudeness.

That’s what you like.

Loved, loved the feedback. I have to give it to Laurie from the (Mis)adventures of a Jogging Stroller Mom for her Ode to SUAR poem.  It wasn’t just that the poem was clever, but I did think it caught the essence of the blog and what I try to convey here. Do you think you could add in a line about F Cup Cookies? Laurie, send me your address and I’ll get the skirt out to you.  You need to get a job with Hallmark or something. You’ve got raw talent.

Don’t worry. I’ll be back to “real” running soon and all this talk of erections, old ladies and F Cup Pudding will be just a bad memory.

Off to eat some cookies,

SUAR

Stole Your Penis

Don’t say I never give you good news.

If you are a lost soul and are just now tuning into my blog, I was diagnosed with a hip stress fracture a month ago. Read it and weep HERE.

Saw the doc today. Praise the Lord I am down to one crutch. I can still push small children and pets out of the way, but I can also hold a cup of coffee or a shot of grain alcohol.  My blood work was normal.

My good hip shows the start of osteopenia (stage before osteoporosis, not something to do with stealing your penis – get it? I steal yo penia. Say it fast). Not sure how much the stealing penis thing  could have contributed to the fracture, but it’s a possibility.

Biking can start in about a week when I ditch the crutch. MRI by the end of the year, which will hopefully clear me for running!!!!

I admit it when I’m wrong. I was wrong about water running when I said it was “easy.” That shit is hard if you do it the right way (that’s what she said). Using my new training plan, I’ve been getting in the deep end and doing intervals for about 30 minutes. I can actually feel myself sweating in the water.

It gets really interesting when the 9am old lady water aerobic class starts. They wiggle their way into the deep end, sighing about how cold it is and about how water isn’t what it used to be. I love these women. They talk of grandchildren and early bird specials and call me sweetie. This is my new pussy posse.

Today I went early, so no geriatric  support group. Just me bobbing around the deep end like a freak. I rigged my iPod like this so I didn’t fall asleep in the pool or slit my wrists from boredom. I felt very clever and I didn’t electrocute anyone:

I lost an eye in the water. Now I am like my dog:

Making progress,

SUAR

Gentle Bubbles

There is one phone call I hate to make each November once the temps dip below freezing.

“Hi. My name is Beth. I need to have my sprinklers blown out.”

Is it just me or does this sound dirty? Like I’m soliciting lewd acts and could get arrested.

I am an East Coast girl. We never had sprinklers growing up because it rained too damn much in Maryland. Or we didn’t care. But, here in arid Colorado, it’s a necessity if you want green grass. If you like the color brown or you’re into rocks and dirt, no need for it.

This year when I call I will say I need to have my sprinklers “winterized.” No blowing out. Not anymore.

Moving on. Yesterday I went swimming. My first workout in 27 days. While I have a couple of triathlons under my belt, I am no star swimmer. I don’t know how to do flip turns and I always wear my goggles upside down. I swim to be a better runner and that’s my story.

Coach Angie whipped me into shape. She taught me how to breathe on both sides, which is what all the cool kids do and can lead to major form improvement.  She gave me some toys (nothing to do with blowing out sprinklers) like fins, buoys, and paddles. We did some drills and she showed me how to read the workouts the coaches post on white boards by the pool. I now feel I am part of a secret society.

How did my hip fare? At first it was like, “What the hell? You sit on your ass for almost a month and then want to kick? Go pick on some other body part.” It ached. But, soon I forgot about it because I was trying to keep up with Angie who was always at least a length ahead of me.  It felt good to get up my heart rate from “working out” as opposed to going upstairs on my crutches or wheeling around in my chair. Thanks, Angie, for taking me under your wing.

Today’s adventure was water running. I shaved in all the right places for the event.

Here’s me with my floatie belt trying to pose for Kohls or JC Penney.

It was about 35 degrees outside at this point. I am trying to not look like I’m freezing my ass off. The water was 82, so that helped.

Here’s what I thought:

• I would never choose to do this form of exercise if I could do anything else. It is pretty boring. I love the pool for purposes of drinking margaritas, reading People and getting tan. It’s not my favorite place for exercise.
• My heart rate never got elevated. My friend, Vicki, who teaches the class assured me that you can get a cardio workout from pool running, but there is a learning curve as to how to make that happen.
• I loved being able to simulate running. It felt so good to do that movement again after what has felt like years.
• It was a great workout for my arms and legs. My hamstrings and triceps were particularly challenged by the water resistance.
• I still get freezing cold even in 82 degree water.
• Some people breathe loud when they do water running (not me)
• No one knows if you fart. No sound, very little smell. Gentle bubbles.

Thanks to Joie, the photographer, who went with me even though she could have gone running on some beautiful trail today. I bought her a banana at Whole Foods for her sacrifice. It was 33 cents. I had an almond croissant the size of my floatie belt.

I want to thank you all for your insightful comments on my injury post yesterday. I learned so much from all of you about how you have found balance and moderation in order to stay healthy and injury free. I love our little running and blogging community.

What was your workout today? Let me live vicariously. Tell me how good it was. How far you went. I might buy you a banana.

Smelling like chlorine (but cleanly shaven),

SUAR