Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Stole Your Penis

Don’t say I never give you good news.

If you are a lost soul and are just now tuning into my blog, I was diagnosed with a hip stress fracture a month ago. Read it and weep HERE.

Saw the doc today. Praise the Lord I am down to one crutch. I can still push small children and pets out of the way, but I can also hold a cup of coffee or a shot of grain alcohol.  My blood work was normal.

My good hip shows the start of osteopenia (stage before osteoporosis, not something to do with stealing your penis – get it? I steal yo penia. Say it fast). Not sure how much the stealing penis thing  could have contributed to the fracture, but it’s a possibility.

Biking can start in about a week when I ditch the crutch. MRI by the end of the year, which will hopefully clear me for running!!!!

I admit it when I’m wrong. I was wrong about water running when I said it was “easy.” That shit is hard if you do it the right way (that’s what she said). Using my new training plan, I’ve been getting in the deep end and doing intervals for about 30 minutes. I can actually feel myself sweating in the water.

It gets really interesting when the 9am old lady water aerobic class starts. They wiggle their way into the deep end, sighing about how cold it is and about how water isn’t what it used to be. I love these women. They talk of grandchildren and early bird specials and call me sweetie. This is my new pussy posse.

Today I went early, so no geriatric  support group. Just me bobbing around the deep end like a freak. I rigged my iPod like this so I didn’t fall asleep in the pool or slit my wrists from boredom. I felt very clever and I didn’t electrocute anyone:

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I lost an eye in the water. Now I am like my dog:

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Making progress,

SUAR

52 comments:

  1. Glad to hear you're down to one crutch!

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  2. Well, I'm guessing both ears work?!

    Rockin' the iPod. Love it.

    Fav dog quote...

    "I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." ~Penny Ward Moser

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  3. You might miss those crutches when your done with them. I'd love to read a blog about all the unconventional ways you've found to use your crutches since your injury. :) Glad to hear you're making progress.

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  4. yikes, I wrote your for you're...my number one pet peeve as a teacher....note to self: proofread before posting comments!

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  5. Nothin' like a good title and gangsta slang accents to start the morning ;) haha, glad to hear you're making progress. And VERY impressed with the pool-safe iPod rigging.

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  6. Thank you for stopping by my blog. :-) My tattoo means 'What you want is in you'. It's a motivating mantra that was shared with me this past year. Even though some people might think it's penis related, it's really not. hahaha

    I love that my first view of your blog and the title is "Stole your Penis". You KNOW i have to link this!!

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  7. YAY!!! I'm so happy for you-what a relief that's going to be to finally be able to carry the wine bottle-I mean coffee cup...I'm so admiring your diligence to this pool thing. I had good intentions but yeah....Holidays will pass the time quick! You'll be running before you know it! Love the Dog!

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  8. yay one crutch! soon no crutches right? :)

    and i'm at work soooo i have to close the internet window because if someone walked by and saw the title "stole your penis" i'm sure there'd be judgment. hardcore judgment hahha

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  9. One crutch! YAY! You have to know how inspiring you are while injured - not only are you still working out and staying strong, you are still funnier than hell.

    Love the picture of your dog! And progress is awesome...

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  11. Glad to hear you are making progress!

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  12. Great to hear your down to one crutch and able to carry your coffee now!

    Clever with the ipod! (love the funny word-play in your title!! you are going to have all kinds of crazies reading this post!)

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  13. glad it's healing!!! they always say pet owners look like their dogs...

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  14. I am a lurker on your site... You crack me up. Congrats on down to one crutch! FYI- I think I found the penis you stole. It's in the upper right hand corner of your first shot.

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  15. AWESOME that you're down to one crutch! I run in the pool on a treadmill and it is hard work. Especially if you blast the jets at you! You should give it a whirl when you're back on your feet! And it def was a puking flu bug...nastiness for sure!!

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  16. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx

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  17. I love old people.
    Clever ipod attachment :)
    I have that word stuck in my head now. Thanks....:)

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  18. OMG I have to work myself back onto my chair after seeing that last couple of pics! You are brave to put the pod there!

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  19. Don’t you dare call them “9am old ladies”…they are surrogate grannies…and you’d better recognize!

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  20. Hey girl! I'm excited to hear that you will be biking soon, but troubled over your "stole a penis" issues. What's going on????

    I think the Ipod placement is genius. My sweet husband just bought me a water proof ipod to wear while swimming for my birthday. I can't wait to try it out!

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  21. Well, they do say people look like their pets...

    Yay for progress!

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  22. We would all appreciate some water running video footage!

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  23. Woot! One crutch!!!! Progess is such a good thing. Glad your finding peace with aqua jogging. My husband always tells people it works!!

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  24. Just found you and wanted to say Hi :) Injuries suck,you're really dealing with it well. Get better soon!

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  25. holy crap! i just busted out laughing out loud at work at the pic of you and one eyed dog. i'm glad you haven't lost your sense of humor through all this!

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  26. You are hilarious and that is GREAT that you're down to one crutch. You're gettin' there, slowly but surely! Man, I can't get over the clever iPod trick. GENIUS.

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  27. Now you just need to figure out a way to get a treadmill in the water too :p

    Congrats on the one crutch though!

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  28. Congrats on the one crutch. Brave to bring the ipod in. What if one of the old ladies throws water at your head?

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  29. Just howled for a good 3 minutes. Ab work.

    I Stole The Penis....and like any man (3 thru 100) I immediately started laughing.

    Then the "that's what she said" took over and the laughter continued

    AND THEN....wiggle their way into the deep end

    Well let's just say I'm teary eyed right now and it's not just from the fact that you can't run yet.

    Get better as fast as you can.

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  30. This really doesn't have much to do with anything, but have you heard this song:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDss8V2OME4

    Your blog title made me think of it.

    Early morning water ladies are the best, their locker room conversations are even better than the ones they have in the water.

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  31. Here's an interesting NPR story on osteopenia: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=121609815.

    I don't think it mentions penises, though.

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  32. An ipod in the water. Very clever!

    Congrats on doing better with regards to your injury!

    And I'm glad you didn't steal my penis :)

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  33. One crutch - good.
    Getting a good workout in the pool - good.
    Stealing a penis --- well, that depends on ... (OK, I'll stop now, kids might be reading this.)
    :)

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  34. Progress is a good thing - not that I know first-hand, but I heard it was! I'm glad some granny didn't knock you over with her noodle and you end up falling over in the water and zap yourself.

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  35. You crack me up! Great news that you're making progress!!

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  36. I get the stealing thing ... I also got it. I take calcium, vit D and androgel to keep it from getting worse.

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  37. You had me laughing from the beginning but referring to the grannies as your "pussy posse" just caused my drink to come out of my nose!
    Hope you get better soon! Love reading your blog!

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  38. Yay for being down to one crutch! Woohoo!!

    Great idea for the ipod! :)

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  39. Genius! (The iPod dealio. Also rhymes with penis... BONUS!)

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  41. Holy crap. Your damn blog makes me laugh out loud almost every time. People now think I'm insane.

    Well, more insane than they previously thought I was...

    (previous post deleted due to typos. I was laughing too hard to see straight.)

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  42. This post is awesome! Penis' + the one eyed dog + progress = awesome!
    Glad you're on the mend!

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  43. There is no stealing your thunder today SUAR. Way too funny....and my Mom used to aquasize...which made it even funnier!!!!

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  44. Hey, you have once again triggered the protective firewall in my school district. Had to read this at home. We teach boys that they don't have penises so they wont masturbate so much.

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  45. Hell, and here I thought it was my wife that took it all these years. Can I plllleeeeeeeaaaaase have it back??

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  46. I must admit that I started reading a bit nervous thinking I lost my penis and would need to get clues from the post to find it again. I am relieved to see it was actually there all along.

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  47. Yay for pool running! I did it when I had tendinitis in my hip and it is actually really hard in the deep end. Thinking positive thoughts for you...heal fast!

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  48. Hey, very nice site. I came across this on Google, and I am stoked that I did. I will definitely be coming back here more often. Wish I could add to the conversation and bring a bit more to the table, but am just taking in as much info as I can at the moment. Thanks for sharing.
    Crutch Pod

    Keep Posting:)

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