Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The Fried Egg and the Doctor

Hello my fellow runners:

First off, no, I don't really drink my own urine. Just had to clear that up. I've never been so desperate or so far away from civilization to do such a thing. My imagination cannot even conjure up a time where I might have a pee flavored cocktail (although shaken and stirred with a blue cheese stuffed olive - hmmmm). The other thing that occurred to me is that if you are SO dehydrated that you would resort to this, then my guess is it's pretty likely you could not be able to pee at all. I'm just saying.

So, Jamoosh is talking about this half marathon he is running on Halloween in Florida. The big question is if he should wear a costume. I suggested he dress as a human condom, but he just thought I was ignorant of the weather conditions in Florida in October if I was willing to suggest such a thing. The truth is if the race was in Ontario or Minneapolis where the weather is cooler, I'm sure he would be all over the idea.

All of this costume talk got me to thinking about the many Halloweens I have experience in my life (42 to be exact) and the various costumes that have been involved. My mom was a sewer (someone who sews, not someone who smells bad and runs underneath a city). She sewed most of my clothes, including my prom dress which was sometimes a good thing and sometimes not. I remember once in fourth grade I went into the bathroom and undid the straps of the corduroy jumper she had made for me (not sure if these were "in" at the time, but jumpers were mom's specialty). I inadvertently peed all over the straps and had to return to class. My classmates kept talking about smelling pee, but I vehemently denied it was me. This ability to lie on the spot would come in handy later when I farted loudly during a final exam in college and never took my pencil off the paper.

But I digress. Back to mom being a sewer (duh, I think the word is seamstress). So she made most of my costumes. One year I was a die (my brother was the other part of the pair). That was the most awkward of costumes as you are stuck inside a box from Ed's liquor that has been painted terribly by you. You can't get within five feet of anyone else because of the damn box. Another year I was Jeanie from "I Dream of Jeanie". I had the perfect hair for that high pony tail and my mom made these cool sheer tights to wear. I'm pretty sure I didn't wear underwear because that's just how I rolled. Plus I think Major Nelson would have liked it.

Two costumes, however, make me cringe to remember. The first one is that I read some book, I think by Judy Blume, and got the idea to dress as a fried egg. "It will be simple," I told my mom. "I'll just use a white sheet and sew a yellow circle to the top. Everyone will know who I am." It was a total bust. Everyone and I mean everyone thought I was a ghost with a yellow head. I was heartbroken.

But the one that takes the cake is this: my mom used to work for Planned Parenthood. She was an RN and a counselor of sorts. She would talk women through their options and was on site to assist women medically if they made the choice to go through with the procedure. My mom is not in favor of abortion, but more of a women's right to choose. She worked at PP when I was about ten years old. She brought me some scrubs to wear for Halloween so I could be a doctor. I even had those cool slip on feetie things with the elastic. Unfortunately at the age of ten, I didn't really understand all of the controversy around abortion. I actually don't even think I knew exactly what it was. So I go around to all of these houses saying "Trick or treat. I'm an abortion doctor." Yeah, I can pretty much see you all cringing now. I cringe just thinking about it. If there was anything ever so un-politically correct, it was that. I didn't understand the weird looks I got or why some people refused to give my candy. I told my mom. Yikes, she was mortified. "You were SUPPOSED to be just a doctor. A general practitioner. Why couldn't you have just been a general practitioner???"

Now I'm sitting here writing this thinking you are all going to judge my mother. Not for making jumpers, but for being pro-choice and for working at PP. She is no heathen. This was her decision and one she felt was just at the time. It was also 30 years ago. But this blog is not about her and her choices...

Here's me today: a lampshade. Far cry from a fried egg but just about as exciting

So, what was your most mortifying Halloween costume? It can be past or recent. I know there are some doozies out there. Or you could talk about the time you did something really un-PC on accident.

***Ahh man, this is an after post addition - because Graze with Me, who went as Bill Cosby when she was ten years old, reminded me of another totally un-PC costume. 14 years ago I went as Nicole Simpson (full on with a pretend gash in my neck) and my husband went as OJ. Really poor taste.


  1. I would say dressing as a condom, but that has not happened (and won't). Probably the year a friend and I went to a party dressed as the "Boobsy Twins." His wife did too good of a make-up job and people I knew were actually hitting on me.

  2. I went as a die once too!!

    Hehe here's one, I went as Bill Cosby one year. No mask, mind you. Just "black face" face paint and an awful 80's sweater and slacks. No one knew what I was supposed to be... I still can't believe my mom let me do it.

  3. BTW I was a 10 year old white girl.

  4. This is such a great post! I can't think of my most mortifying costume, but an awkward one was when I went to a night club dressed as Pippi Longstocking. I was afraid I'd poke someone's eye out on the dance floor with the coat hangers in my braids that were sticking out to the sides. It was a super fun night though!

    Another funny Halloween memory was when I was in Jr. High. We had pillow cases to collect our candy and we put raw eggs in them just in case we needed to throw them at mean boys. While walking up a hill, I forgot I had the eggs and dragged my pillow case along the road. I spend the evening cleaning raw egg off every piece of candy. I love Halloween memories!

  5. I understand the whole box thing! My mom dressed me as a present- put my head and arms through a box and wrapped it. Then covered me in ribbons!

  6. Your posts crack me up! I love it!

  7. I was a "mad scientist" with crazy hair died white, like Einstein, a lab coat, glasses, the works. The only hitch; I lived in Tokyo at the time, where they don't know what Halloween is. I got the STRANGEST looks on the subway when I went to go trick or treat at the American Embassy lol

  8. Hmm most of my costumes were great. Although not one knew what I was some years, like the year I was JEM from the 80's cartoon and everyone just thought I was a pink hair barbie. But when I was in 2nd grade I decided I wanted to be Whitney Houston (I am white) and my Mom kept telling me no no no and finally after weeks of fighting she tells me "you can't be Whitney, you're white and she's black" well I guess she raised me right until then because for the life of me I didn't understand why that was an issue. This past halloween I threw on a black bra a purple wigs black underwear and those tights that clip to you and a colorful bean filled snake and decided I was a "sexy snake charmer" yeahhhh

  9. My costumes were never that great-- but when iw as in 5th grade, my friend and i dressed in white and drew big eyeballs on big white paper, wrapped cardboard, drew eyeballs on them and made frames with tin foil. it was So funny and we actually won a contest! lol

  10. I went as a pair of dice once too. Most uncomfortable costume ever. The Nicole Simpson costume takes the cake though. Brilliant!!
    I'm such a liberal person that most of the things that I do and say to people on a daily basis could be considered "un-PC". I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I'm surprised I've kept my blog as clean as it is.

  11. To be honest its fine with me if you want to drink urine.

    But I wouldnt want to be swapping spit with ya if you did, but not a real concern.

  12. An abortion doctor. Classic.

    I don't have any good stories. The best one I've got is a few years ago the man and I went to a halloween party and people had to guess what our costume was.

    We each wore t-shirts that had "P"'s on them and gave ourselves black eyes with eye make up.

    Can you tell we're vegetarians?

  13. too funny. all you can do about the "abortion doc" thing is to look back and laugh at this point haha...and i just saw that you won jenna's giveaway!!! SO EXCITING! looks like you have had some good luck this summer with winning things!
    no big stories like you but recently on facebook i was tagged in a photo from first grade halloween and i click on the photo and am sitting there thinking "where the heck am i?" every girl is some type of princess or cheerleader- and i mean EVERY GIRL. and then there is me. a witch. not just any witch. a witch with this huge ugly rubber mask and crazy hair- it looks very real actually. i made a good witch. i guess i was different than everyone else haha --- click this link to see the picture (no this is not a scam haha)
    its the last photo in the album

  14. I can't think of anything to top those, but I am busting a gut over here!

    Thanks for the laugh!

  15. LMFAO!!! I never did anything as hilariously awful as the abortion doc...but a few years ago at work, when those email jokes about the Sheet (i.e. Shit) Family were going around, my group all wore sheets and were different members. We had Sheet on a Shingle, Hot Sheet, Sheet Drunk, etc. I was [very] pregnant at the time and for the life of me, I can't remember why on earth but I chose to be Dog Sheet....maybe because I felt like dogshit while pregnant? lol, boy I don't know...

    And I love Julie's nostalgic JEM reference!

  16. 5th grade - Rubics Cube - 'Nuff said.

  17. So funny. I was so smurf obsessed, I think I went as smurfette every year until I was about 14. Okay, I guess that it pretty embarrassing.

  18. bwahahaha, "I'm an abortion doctor"!!!!!!!

    I love the comedy of that situation (just clarifying - the situation, not the abortion).

    I have a couple of un-PC moments. I'll share one since I don't have that much experience with Halloween, and the most outrageous outfit I had was being a skanky something.

    So - the un-PC moment. This one guy who also rents an office where I work brought his dog that would constantly wheeze, and beathing would get even more labored as he'd run around playing. I can't tell you for how long I played with this dog, wearing it out, jumping and running with it, and - get this - wheezing with it together in unison (on purpose b/c I thought the sound was cute). I had A LOT of fun. And then it turned out the dog had a serious case of asthma.


  19. OJ and Nicole? Ouch. Even I think that's a bad one. We've all had our moments I suppose. One halloween I dressed up in the old crochet black dress (it actually had the crochet holes in it) and underneath I wore NO BRA and a black garter with nylons and g-string. I sure now how to class it up. I don't know what I was supposed to be. A gothic slut I guess. Hey at least I didn't let my 22 year old hardbody go to waste.

    I'm training for the Portland, OR marathon - Oct. 4th.

  20. Did you REALLY walk around and tell people you were an abortion doctor. That's hilarous.

  21. I was a cereal killer once. Thought I was so clever. Cereal box hanging from my neck and a plastic knife duck-taped through the middle. I didn't want to mess up my really big hair so my costume needed to be minimal. Love this post. Love your Mom.

  22. omg! I can't belive the abortion doc thing, because I once went as dry cleaning - wore a suit, wrapped plastic around me, then stuck a hanger in my hair. Someone thought I was an abortion!!!!

  23. One Halloween when I was pregnant, about 12 years ago, a bar near me hosted a Monica Lewinsky look alike contest. Because I am a Jewish brunette and was quite obviously pregnant at the time, I thought going would have been hysterical. I totally would have won. but I was too damn tired. Such is the life of the expecting mom who works full time and gets a college degree on the site at night.

  24. Last year I decided to go as a "dirty" Catholic priest. I actually ordered a clergyman shirt and collar from a place called Autom Catholic Supplies. The funny thing was I got it on Halloween, and instead of them shipping it, I went to the warehouse and picked it up. Luckily it's in the same town I live in. The guy on the phone sounded a little skeptical that I had lost my other ones and was supposed to fly to Texas for a wedding that evening. But he said I could just come pick it up at the warehouse even though that wasn't something they normally did.

    The second part was finding a "small child" to affix to the front of me. After much (not very much) searching, I went to Walgreens and purchased a 2 1/2 foot tall Dora the Explorer doll, and me and my then roommate spent a few minutes trying to make Dora appear to be a little boy. After all priests prefer them apparently. I actually wore the costume for 2 nights as my neighbor had a halloween party the day after. I met a very nice young lady there and wondered if the fact I had what appeared to be a small child attached to me deterred her at all. Apparently not. The reaction to the costume was a mixture of laughter and disgust. I'd say nobody was really truly offended by it though, maybe the quacks out on the main drag who crucify Jesus every year as a part of their Halloween display.

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