Monday, March 22, 2010

20 Miler Report - Not So Pretty

Running tip: Frozen peas make a great ice pack for aching muscles after a long run or race. The best part is if you get hungry and don't want to get up, you can just grab a pea.


20 miles is a long eff’ing way to run, in case you didn’t know it. It’s actually a long way to bike, and even can be a long drive if you are in traffic, your kid is throwing up, has diarrhea or is crying. I tried to map out yesterday's 20 miler so it would be shorter or feel shorter, but when the day is done 20 miles is just 20 miles.

It was a beautiful day, the sun beat down (thanks Tom Petty), and even though the thermometer said 29*, I knew it would warm up soon. We got a big spring snow on Friday, so the mountains looked amazing in the bright sun and the roads were clear. We parked Ken’s truck at the ten mile mark (he was doing only ten), drove home and started from there.

Ken and I hardly talked for ten miles. Some runs are just like that. When you’re with people you don’t know that well, you feel obliged to make conversation. When you’re with your spouse you can ignore them and it’s all good.

Mile 2:
Me: Wow, that smells.
Ken: Yeah, they’re burning weeds.
Me: Oh.

Mile 5:
Me: I’m stopping take off my gloves
Ken: Okay. I’ll take a gel.

Mile 7:
Ken: Can you believe Kansas?
Me: They suck. Ruined my bracket.

Mile 8:
Me: I need to stop again for some Tums.
Ken: It’s getting hot.

Mile 10:
Ken: Do you have another ten miles in you?
Me: I hope so, love you. See you at home.

Back to the Tums. Yeah, I took one at mile 8 because my belly started talking to me a bit. Just some minor cramping that I thought would pass (foreshadow). Unfortunately, when I hit mile 12 the seizing up continued and I knew it was just going to be another Shut Up and Run poop story. Thank god I crap myself regularly so I have something to blog about.

Here’s a pic at mile 12, just to show you the beauty of the day. Not the beauty of my colon, which was now attempting to hold in last night’s sausage, onion, mushroom pizza, 2 buffalo wings, one Alaskan Amber and a glass of chardonnay. Oh, and some Jelly Bellies in bed. Could it be possible I deserve these problems? (Note to self: re-evaluate what you eat/drink the night before a long run).



Miles 12-15 went pretty well. I was cruising along trying not to become one with the many pelotons of cyclists that came whizzing by me. These cyclists always think you are annoying as a runner because you are running on their shoulder of their road and are in their way. Dicks.

I only had a near heart attack once when some guy in a 1980 VW Jetta proved how big his penis was and nearly side swiped me while honking his horn. Nice job. I hope that made you feel really good about yourself. You almost hit a 110 lb runner with your 2 ton car. You win. And, you managed to honk the horn while almost hitting that runner. Amazing way to multi-task. Your mother must be very proud.

At mile 16 I squirted in my tights. At mile 16.25 I stopped at the place with the bathroom tip jar and took a dump. I used the Glade air freshener to cover it up and felt good about myself for leaving an evergreen scent intermingled with the distinct smell of turd.

At mile 19 I had such bad cramps I wanted to walk. But being only a mile, less than 9 minutes, from home, I didn’t want to mess with my average per mile pace, so I kept running. It sucked.

Mile 20: I walked in the door and ran for the loo (I’m so sophisticated and British) to let it all out. Not pretty, but what shit is? Best part was, I went to flush and the toilet was clogged. By whom? My eight year old daughter. That apple not only didn’t fall far from the tree, it got stuck in its branches for good. So, I had to grab the plunger and deal with that whole disgusting business. No one, and I mean no one, likes plunging with turd in the toilet.

The rest of the afternoon was shot. I bet I hit the bathroom at least five times. I got a lot of reading done. Did you know celebs workout with pals and get parking tickets, just like me?? That is so freaking cool. Did you know you can use your Ugg boot as a potholder?

There you have it. A messy 20 miler done in 2 hours, 59 minutes (8:59 average per mile pace). I’m happy with that.


I’m signing off for now to go into my workshop to perfect my running shorts with the built in Depends. God knows I’ll need it for my marathon.

Drinking: Kirkland brand coffee brewed by Starbucks

72 comments:

  1. Been there and it does suck! One thing I have found that has worked well for me (after yrs. of trying everything) is peppermint oil tablets. I get up, eat, do my business, and then take one. It has worked wonders for me. Check it out.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think I might take tums with me for my next half, for some reason my tummy starts hurting with the longer distances.
    You should really look into doing an underwear review with all the poop talk. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'd be happy with that pace too!! Great job and I love the pictures :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Great job getting it done! Poor colon.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Nice pace, nice run, nice poop...and Kansas screwed up my bracket too. Let me know how those depends-lined-shorts go! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Pretty impressive pace for a poopy run! I'm quite impressed!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sunday I ran 20 in 2:58:36 and it was cold when I started and I needed a bathroom break. We did the same run!

    So now you have to run 100 miler on trails...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Steve Q: can't say that will ever happen.

    ReplyDelete
  9. That was a brave dinner the night before a long run! Good job finishing it with a strong pace thoguh.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Awesome job running (and pooping)!

    I think that ugg boot tip from Real Simple is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Seriously.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yikes! Glad that guy didn't hit you! Why can't people just slow down!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Wow.. nice job on the poopy run! crazy!

    ReplyDelete
  13. You toughed it out. I caved after 8 miles this weekend. And I didn't have lower GI issues. I suck.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Great pace lady! And that weather was perfect for running!
    So, did you leave some coinage in the tip jar this time?

    ReplyDelete
  15. You make poop entertaining, and that is a compliment.

    Speedy 20-miler! Way to squeeze your buns and hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  16. HILARIOUS! I love your blog...

    ReplyDelete
  17. For the record, I have never sh!t so much in my life as the days I decided pizza was a-okay pre-long run. Once before a speedy half mary and once before a 15 mile run...oh man. I will not do it a third time. That day of the half marathon I literally drank half a bottle of Pepto and then had black poo. You know, if the general, non-running population only knew....I am SO thankful that my boyfriend is a runner and has crap problems, too.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Whenever anyone talks about poo on the run I always, always, ALWAYS think of you. :) LOL! Great job making it through 20 miles! I def see a sub 4 in your future!!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Congrats on making it through your run. Sorry about the GI problems. Funny thing is, I had pizza for dinner Saturday night too and when I attempted to do my long run Sunday, I had major GI problems. Needless to say, I only made it 6.5 miles before bolting to the nearest port-a-pottie. I could have continued my run, but I was just done. Lesson learned: don't eat pizza the night before a long run. Ughhh!

    ReplyDelete
  20. That sounds like a great run with some of those mother nature issues that always seem to arise. Every now and then I will preemptively take some pepto before those 20 mile plus runs. I don't know if you've tried that or not.

    ReplyDelete
  21. As always - quit the run. Glad you found someplace to stop. It is absolutely miserable running when you really got to go.

    I love your resolve - and I agree that walking that last mile would have taken more time than you had . . . At moments like that - head down - move your feet fast and keep on running.

    Looks like it was a beautiful day.

    ReplyDelete
  22. It's a gimme that the poop part of the blog is ridiculously hilarious, but I really chuckled over the part about how it's OK to not to talk to your spouse while out running together! My hubby is not a runner, so when I have to slow to his pace and go for a boring "walk", we like never speak!! Just when we think we're all different, we're all really just the same inside!
    Nice job on the run....some point in time I hope to be putting those kind of miles on my shoes.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Shitty situation, but nice job on the 20 miler!!

    ReplyDelete
  24. well. that was good readin'.
    regarding the craps - me too - luckily i was on the 'mill this weekend.
    regarding the jayhawks - :-) my cats are still in it!! sorry 'bout your brackets.
    regarding the photos - UGH! I MISS CO!!

    ReplyDelete
  25. What is it about pizza?! My lord! I decided to eat some the night before my half mary... I was fine during the race, but the rest of the day went to crap, literally. I'm still hurting this morning!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Love this! It's nice to know others have poop problems too!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Isn't it a loo, not a leiu? Just saying...
    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  28. i had yet another poop story myself from the marathon this wknd. what is wrong with us??

    ReplyDelete
  29. Wow...sounds like quite a run!! It wouldn't be right if your long run didn't somehow involve poop. :)

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hey Bethy....sitting in an airport in Alabama just laughing at ya! Man, I missed reading about you over the weekend! 20 miles suck....no matter what - and I cannot believe you ran that in under 9 min/mile. Confirms my thoughts that your marathon is going to be unbelievably fast! Way to go, girl! You amaze me!! And you got some great conversation in there with the hubby!!! :)

    I have a 22er on Saturday, my last before Boston. If you guys have any interest in running some together, give me a shout!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Oh and btw, I went to school at Univ. of Northern Iowa.... just sayin....

    ReplyDelete
  32. One thing I do because I have the same problemo is take 1/2 imodium before I run. This always does the trick for me.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Consider this my entry for your first "depend"able running short giveaway...

    ReplyDelete
  34. Oh dear...sorry about that Karma comment on your last post. What a drag! And really what the heck is wrong with people and or cyclists? Ass-hats!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Poop or not, 20's are never fun. Holy cow that's a wicked fast pace! Somebody's cruising for a blistering marathon!

    ReplyDelete
  36. 20 miles is a LONG freakin' way. amen to that! and just reading your post is makin' me need to run to the loo...!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Good god your "runs" (no pun intended) sound like me many a moon a go . . . and sometimes not so long ago. :-)

    Do you take any sort of pain reliever before you run? Even days leading up to it? That was my culprit. I found when I laid off any drugs, my stomach did better. I also have to use GU and gels sparingly.

    Try drinking an Ensure pre run and not eating solid food. That also seems to help me a lot of times. Something about the food not having time to digest before the blood is shunted from my belly and delivered to my legs. Nice job on 20 though, it is never easy especially when you're not in a group.

    ReplyDelete
  38. You always make me laugh and feel like I'm not alone with my own GI problems. I just hope it doesn't get as bad as poopin in the pants!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Nice speedy 20! I have to do loops so I have a place to poop midway through the run . . . :)

    ReplyDelete
  40. How do you manage to get 20 miles in with all of that junk food the day prior!?! I did that once, and NEVER did it again. And, AND, you still managed to do it in under 9:00/mile!!! I officially hate you. :)

    Nice job.

    ReplyDelete
  41. I know, Adam. Imagine what I could do if I ate healthy the night before?? It's my own damn fault.

    ReplyDelete
  42. That car must have been super close to you! or you save the rant for us. I am usually good for at least a mile of running off at the mouth after a car gets too close or is going too fast but after that I run out of energy for it...besides by then he can't hear me anyway. heeheehee

    Your 20 mile runs are always funning than mine. Thanks for the laughs!

    ReplyDelete
  43. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Great run! Way to stick it out through the s***y times (yep - I just went there)! The idea of a 20-miler SCARES me - so mad props!

    The first time my mom ran 20, she did 20 1-mile loops! Can you imagine that? Crazy!
    http://eatrunread.blogspot.com/2010/01/we-are-running-people.html

    ReplyDelete
  45. Been there!!

    I now never leave the house for a run with out wet wipes. The best invention ever! Going for a run no longer just means throwing on some shorts, tank and lacing up the shoes, it requires personal hygene items as well. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  46. Amazing. You may want to consider taking time off to focus on the depends shorts...they seem like they need higher priority.

    I was going to say that you would have been proud of the farts I let out during my run today (and even more so with the ones I blasted off the pavement while I was stretching afterward), but you probably wouldn't be too impressed since I didn't actually squirt anything out. Guess I'd better try fueling like you before my next run...surely that would do the trick!

    ReplyDelete
  47. Some people take Gu during runs, others take Tums:)
    Some confessions now. I never leave my house without toillet paper, bc I inevitably have to go during a long run. Last year at Boston I almost got arrested for public peeing. Seriously, check out my race report. Hope you figure out this stomach issues. That was a great pace for your 20 miler!!!

    ReplyDelete
  48. It takes me a lot to laugh and now I know who's blog to read to really laugh! Thank you.

    So true about the food. I eat ice cream and candy and wonder why I don't have the fuel to run and don't feel good...hmmm.

    Great job on your 20 miler. I have no idea where I am going to run when I need to get 20 in. You make it look easy.

    You crack me up...thank you for being so open about the CRAP...sometimes I feel like I am the only one who struggles with that on a run! Running would be so much easier with out poop!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Great time, despite the runs and the asshole drivers an bikers. Why is it that once our stomach is going (poo-wise) it lasts all day? That has happened to me too. Of course, I am also not always eating that healthy!

    I think my husband and I were quiet for the end of our run last night. We were both so cold (we stopped at the house to get water and our Under Armour got cold) we just wanted to get home!

    ReplyDelete
  50. There is no way around it, running 20 miles is freakin hard, but you did a great job getting it done! Thanks for sharing the pics. It's beautiful out there. BTW, do you always carry Tums on your long runs? I'm impressed with your preparedness! :)

    ReplyDelete
  51. I wish there was a way for a porta-loo to follow me around on my long runs.I too have 'issues' with my issues and have left bits of my DNA behind various trees and bushes both here and overseas. There's just something about running that speeds those bodily processes up.

    ReplyDelete
  52. I eat healthy the night before. Usually whole wheat pasta with marinara and some type of veg. Totally dairy free, because that messes with me. Does not matter. I STILL have GI distress. Not quite to the poop-in-my-own-pants extent, but to the "my tummy hurts, therefore I don't want to run right now" extent...

    ReplyDelete
  53. Shit that sucks :)
    Great pace though...maybe the trick is having to go so badly it makes you run faster!

    ReplyDelete
  54. Oops that should have read Sh*t :)

    ReplyDelete
  55. It's official...your copious poop stories have deeply affected me and now each and EVERY time I go on a long run and even have the minor urge to "go," I think of you. Not too romantic, Beth, but true! So, I try to GO at least 4 or 5 times before I even leave the house...just out of fear that I'll wind up going in the shorts or tights even though it hasn't happened yet...I'm so paranoid. PLUS, I have thought of that picture of you sitting on the toilet at least twice this weekend and boy, I really didn't want to. Ahhhh!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  56. I'm so happy to hear about another runner with pooping problems! At least you were able to find a bathroom unlike my 18.8 miler last Saturday :-( Leaves had to do the trick!

    ReplyDelete
  57. You are hilarious! And wow on your pace!
    I try to incorporate bathroom breaks into my runs. But I am a camel. I don't usually need a drink or use it.

    ReplyDelete
  58. Funny, I grab a pea 3 maybe 4 times a day (on good day - more if I am travel)

    Man, that sucks about your .....errr troubles. Have you taken tums at the start of the run?

    ReplyDelete
  59. I changed my diet so that I eat mainly meat on night before long runs (and I really think about what fruits and veggies I know I can digest well); it has really helped. Now, I only seem to get into trouble with pasta (go figure) the night before.

    ReplyDelete
  60. I am just horrified about that car! What a dick (literary)! I would probably done something stupid like run after the car throwing rocks... Sounds like I would need anger management if I had to run in America, haha!

    ReplyDelete
  61. Beth, only you and my two kids can make poop stories seem so interesting and funny!

    And I think 'poop' is right up there on your label list in the top few by number of posts ... closely followed by farts.

    Always a great read. Paul :-)

    ReplyDelete
  62. Ha ha! I had to dash in the woods last week and thought of you... I was in the middle of no where. I have since started stashing a small amt of TP in my running shorts in case of an emergency. You should have a post of things you can use as alternate TP sometime. That would be very informative.

    Thanks for the laugh this morning.

    ReplyDelete
  63. Poor you! The best part about the marathon is that you will probably be able to take porta-potty breaks because those marathon planners know that runners have bathroom issues.
    It may mess up your time, but not your shorts.
    Great 20 miles. Great time.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Wow girl, that pace is awesome! You are so going to rock Ft Collins, I can't wait!

    Your 20 miler sounds just like my 18 miler from last week. Sucks doesn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  65. Great run....way to tough it out. Been there many,many times.....finally went to the GI doc....no dairy or fiber 2 days before long run (15 mi for me) and 2 imodium the night before...works like a charm.
    I'm hesistant to suggest this fix...if it helps, what will I read and laugh about tomorrow? Good luck with your marthon.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Jesus, are you in a competition to see who can get the most comments or something? I had to scroll down for ever. You should start charging for this shit.

    Nicely done on the 20. Your so right! 20 is 20 no matter how you slice it.

    Good call on the cyclists. Most are cool peeps, but the fu*ktards always make up for them.

    ReplyDelete
  67. I am still very impressed by your run even if it did have some messy parts! I have done 18 but my next long run is the 20...ahhh. Hope i can finish it! good job girl!

    ReplyDelete
  68. I just posted my first "mishap" post. Totally made a mess and thought of you and how I could post about my "mishap" and make other laugh out loud!
    Here is the link I tagged you in! Cheers lady!
    http://barefoot-angieb.blogspot.com/2010/03/road-trip-recap-crazy-salina-runs-and.html

    ReplyDelete
  69. I am all about the Tums when I run. Imodium has also become my friend. Have you tried it for your long runs? I take one right before any race (even a 5K or 10K) and one before and another in the middle of my longer runs/races. It has made a huge difference!

    I just got all caught up on your blog. How I've missed it!

    ReplyDelete
  70. Found you here via Mission to Another Marathon....great blog! (I'll bet you hear that about every other day....) ;-)

    Anyway, gonna jump on into the pool over here and add you to my own blogroll....

    And that little bit about what you ate the night before? Probably so!

    ReplyDelete
  71. It's not all about what you eat the night before, it's also the night before the night before.

    ReplyDelete