Today’s 18.5 miler started much like any long run. Ken and I headed out at 7:00 a.m. while the kids were still asleep. I’d be lying if I said I was pumped about the run. I was actually kind of dreading it. Knowing you will be pounding the pavement for the next 2 hours and 45 minutes can mess with your head if you let it.
I had a large dump before leaving, which gave me confidence that no tummy issues would hinder me on this run (foreshadow). Temp = 44*. Overcast. We were quiet as we often are. The first few miles were uphill, slow. Ken was going to leave me at the 7 mile mark and head for home as he was doing 11 miles today. It was sweet when he let me know at 5.5 miles that he was halfway. Dick. I wasn’t even a third of the way into my run.
Right before Ken turned off, I felt the familiar urge to crap. Ken said, “Oh, you can just hold it until you get to Joie’s (my halfway mark), and blow up their toilet.” Yet, Joie’s was still three miles away. I don’t have enough asshole muscles to hold anything in for three miles. There weren’t many pooping spots on this road. Very barren, no bushes, and just a few trees. We came to a small stream and I managed to shimmy my way down into some bushes. Ken said, “Well, I’m not watching.” What? As if.
I had a new lease on life and quickly covered those next three miles. At Joie’s I took another small dump, refilled my Melon flavored Heed drink, gulped down a vanilla Hammer gel, and headed for home. About a mile from Joie’s, it hit me with a vengeance. I had to go and I had to go now. I was too far from Joie’s to turn back. I was on a pretty busy road and there was absolutely nowhere to crap unless I wanted to do it on the yellow line down the middle of the street. I panicked. I had visions of messing myself so horribly I would have to call Ken or (God forbid) my mom for a ride home. I can just hear her now, “Beth, you’ve been out of diapers for 41 years now. What happened?”
It was at this moment of fear and dread that God sent me a gift. I am not kidding you. Divine intervention occurred at the exact moment I needed it the most. As I was clenching, I looked to my left and saw a tree, but not just any tree. A tree with an opportunity. A tree that was nature’s porta potty. This was my nirvana:
At first I wondered if I could fit into this opening, but a moment of exploring showed me that yes! I could! In fact, it seemed that I was not the first one to have gone into this tree. Someone had had a little campfire in there not too long ago. I hated the fact that I was going to forever tarnish this sweet little fort, but there was no choice and honestly, I was so relieved I didn't care. I laid down my business, covered it with some bark, snapped a picture (you can see my fuel belt to the left) and took off before I was arrested for public defecation. I felt like Winnie the Pooh.
18.5 miles, 2:42, average pace 8:48. Average shit time: 2 mins
PS: Don’t forget to VOTE. Winner announced on Monday!
Drinking: Grande mild coffee with extra cream.