Saturday, April 17, 2010

Winnie the Pooh

Today’s 18.5 miler started much like any long run.  Ken and I headed out at 7:00 a.m. while the kids were still asleep. I’d be lying if I said I was pumped about the run. I was actually kind of dreading it. Knowing you will be pounding the pavement for the next 2 hours and 45 minutes can mess with your head if you let it.

I had a large dump before leaving, which gave me confidence that no tummy issues would hinder me on this run (foreshadow). Temp = 44*. Overcast. We were quiet as we often are. The first few miles were uphill, slow. Ken was going to leave me at the 7 mile mark and head for home as he was doing 11 miles today. It was sweet when he let me know at 5.5 miles that he was halfway. Dick. I wasn’t even a third of the way into my run.

Right before Ken turned off, I felt the familiar urge to crap. Ken said, “Oh, you can just hold it until you get to Joie’s (my halfway mark), and blow up their toilet.” Yet, Joie’s was still three miles away. I don’t have enough asshole muscles to hold anything in for three miles. There weren’t many pooping spots on this road. Very barren, no bushes, and just a few trees. We came to a small stream and I managed to shimmy my way down into some bushes. Ken said, “Well, I’m not watching.” What? As if.

I had a new lease on life and quickly covered those next three miles. At Joie’s I took another small dump, refilled my Melon flavored Heed drink, gulped down a vanilla Hammer gel, and headed for home. About a mile from Joie’s, it hit me with a vengeance. I had to go and I had to go now. I was too far from Joie’s to turn back. I was on a pretty busy road and there was absolutely nowhere to crap unless I wanted to do it on the yellow line down the middle of the street. I panicked. I had visions of messing myself so horribly I would have to call Ken or (God forbid) my mom for a ride home. I can just hear her now, “Beth, you’ve been out of diapers for 41 years now. What happened?”

It was at this moment of fear and dread that God sent me a gift. I am not kidding you. Divine intervention occurred at the exact moment I needed it the most. As I was clenching, I looked to my left and saw a tree, but not just any tree. A tree with an opportunity. A tree that was nature’s porta potty. This was my nirvana:

pooptree

At first I wondered if I could fit into this opening, but a moment of exploring showed me that yes! I could! In fact, it seemed that I was not the first one to have gone into this tree. Someone had had a little campfire in there not too long ago. I hated the fact that I was going to forever tarnish this sweet little fort, but there was no choice and honestly, I was so relieved I didn't care. I laid down my business, covered it with some bark, snapped a picture (you can see my fuel belt to the left) and took off before I was arrested for public defecation.  I felt like Winnie the Pooh.

18.5 miles, 2:42, average pace 8:48. Average shit time: 2 mins

PS: Don’t forget to VOTE.  Winner announced on Monday!

Drinking: Grande mild coffee with extra cream.

37 comments:

  1. Awesome. That tree will never be same!
    This blog has so much talk of crap and poop and assholes that I'm sure you could get a waste management company to sponsor your next marathon. THAT would be awesome.

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  2. Man, I would not be a runner if I had your intestines! I can't even poop in someone else's house, let alone on the side of the road. I've been known to hold in my poops for entire camping trips! BTW, what is your marathon goal now that you're such a speedster?

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  3. OMG, what IS going on with your stomach. I thought my husband gets the prize for the highest nr of daily BM, but I was wrong! Hope you figure something out for the marathon, maybe no fiber the last couple of days?

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  4. ahahah! You are too funny, I think I would have given up running long ago if my tummy did that to me every time! You are totally awesome!

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  5. Oh my gosh...only you would find a tree to poop in. How is it that you poop so much? Just what are you eating?? I actually had issues on last weekend's 11-miler, so took 1 Immodium before todays 12-miler and luckily no more problems. I seriosuly have never pooped in nature before...am I missing out? :)

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  6. What a crappy post! Haha!
    So next time I see a tree with a hydration pack hanging of it I will stay clear.
    And I thought I had issues. :)

    I have to answer Sarah. Yes, you are missing out on not pooping in nature. Just be careful what leaves you use as wipes. Heard of sb grabbing poison ivy leaves. Maybe it is just a story but a good one.

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  7. Sounds like your lucky day... finding a tree to crap in! LOL

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  8. lol, my husband says you must be eating something wrong... unless you just like pooping in the woods, a "fecopheliac" as he put it. lmao

    Wheat allergy perhaps?!

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  9. LMAO!!! Oh, this *crap* was so funny I actually had to read the post to my Hubster. Love your poop :P

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  10. That's the coziest little poop spot ever!!! PS I'm no lez, but that bikini pic you put as your new profile is H.O.T.T. Better get prepared to beat those college boys off with a stick!

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  11. Wow...I'm so sorry that you had so many GI problems on your long run. That really sucks! That tree is amazing...how cool is that?

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  12. This would be so funny if it weren't so terrible to have that "NOW" feeling!

    God works in misterious ways!

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  13. You may have answered this question before but do you carry TP with you on all your runs? The pooping doesn't concern me as much as the wiping. If you do have TP with you what do you do with it? No body likes a litter bug :)

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  14. Just look at it as fertiliser. You were actually doing that tree an enormous favour - nurturing it! Save the planet one tree at a time.

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  15. Its hard to tell what is funnier, your post or everyone's comments on it!
    The running gods smiled on you for sure! Wonder what the tree was thinking.....

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  16. u are a brave soul. i have a 7 mile run tomorrow and i am scared that just putting the thought in my head is going to make this happen

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  17. bahaha. you poop so much! what do you eat girl ;) i feel you pain though these past few days, i was on antibiotics that made me be VERY aware of any possible restroom stop haha

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  18. No wonder you're so skinny...everything goes right through you and out the other end ;)

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  19. wow after reading your blog for a while I'm actually starting to be less shy about my poop issues lol!

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  20. I was surprised you didn't title this blog as
    Winnie the Poo ...

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  21. Awesome. Sometimes it just CAN'T wait.

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  22. OK, so I have to show you a little solidarity, sister. On my 16 miler 2 days ago, I shat once under a bridge, another time in a treed lot , and again somwheres else, I think. I'm not usually such a prolific shitter, but the PANIC!! is not an unfamiliar feeling for me. You are NOT alone! (tho so far my blog hasn't been so ... detailed) I must admit to thinking ov ShutUpandRun a coupla times there ...

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  24. You have an amazing digestive system...

    Glad that you found somewhere to go. I will never look at Winnie the Pooh the same again...

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  25. I would have been to scared to shit in there. Scared of some rabied racoon would come and bite my ass.

    You really poop alot. Like alot. I usually poop a couple of times before I leave the house and I've had run in the bushes on long runs before, but not EVERY run and definitly not THREE or four times a run. Have you ever tried to figure out what the hell is goin on with your stomach? It's not normal.

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  26. Oh, so miserable! But how awesome is it to have found that tree. Every once in a while we do get a gift like that.

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  27. you never cease to amaze me! your posts rae hilarious! :) glad you found that tree ;) great job on the run speedy!!!

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  28. i had stomach problems on my run today, too. thankfully i made it to the bathroom but if i didn't, there were plenty of trees to duck behind. none as inviting as yours, though.

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  29. My Sunday run had me very worried as I was trying to make my way back home without crapping my pants. It was a long 4 miles but I did it! :D At least you found a nice little hideout for your bidness.

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  30. Hey, at least it doesn't take you four hours and 45 minutes to run 18 miles (like me) -- think of all the poop you'd have during that time!!

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  31. I so hate that. I try everything to get every last bit of food digested in my body out of me before a run. I have taken up the "yoga squat" on the toilet: feet on the toilet seat with butt hovering above the water. Apparently that is the best position to encourage a "deposit".

    If you ever find a cure for the runners trots, please let me know.

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  32. I hate it when I have days like that (the constant pooing)! :( I hope your next run is not as shitty (ha ha).

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  33. Lordy mercy, I am wiping a tear of hilarity from my eye as I type this. SO funny. Love that you recorded your shit-time as part of your stats! I am new to running (just started last yr., I only do 5Ks right now), but I have occasionally had abdominal cramping that made me wonder about this. We have a friend who has stopped by our house mid-run, in dire straits to use our toilet. Never understood that. I always thought "didn't he go before he started the run?". But I think I get it now!

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  34. There are several trees like this over here in Istanbul and you just gave me the best usage for them!

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  35. This is, quite possibly the best blog subject that this post could have EVER had. LOVE IT

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  36. Okay, I KNOW I'm super late to this but OMG you and I really ARE long lost shit sisters. I can't get enough. I've never in my life had the "THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I GO THROUGH." feeling this strong before.

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