Thursday, March 1, 2012

Mystery of the Century

There have been many mysteries over the years, such as:

  • Why does our gynecologist leave the room when women undress?
  • If Wile E.Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why couldn't he just buy dinner?
  • Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

But, perhaps the greatest mystery of all is – who sent me this damn book?

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It came in the mail yesterday and unless I am taking too much Ambien before bed and getting up in the night and ordering crap off of the internet, I don’t think I bought this one for myself.

It is no secret: I love a good fart. Farts are wonderful because they are so multi-faceted. They can be thunderous, squeaky, or airy. Farts have en element of surprise that startles the farter and astounds those around him or her. Farts rock my world because people act all offended by them in public, but then they get in their cars and let them rip like there is no tomorrow. Bunch of hypocrites.

Everyone, and I mean everyone, has a good fart story if they are willing to share it. I have too many to name, but one of my favorite ones is this: I was a sophomore in college, sitting in a very small room taking an English literature final exam. I had one leg down and one leg hiked up onto the chair and bent. I was leaning on the desk, writing away, when this huge and loud fart unexpectedly flew out of my body. Pencils stopped moving, people stopped breathing. Heads turned towards me and eyes glared. I never missed a beat. I did not look up, kept writing, which automatically solidified my guilt. Every person called me out when we left the classroom. Then I did a keg stand and lost my virginity. Just kidding.

One of the BEST fart stories happened this summer when my friend Clair came to visit. Read it HERE.

The Book of Farts is small and portable enough that I can easily bring it to church, to the choir concerts, to race start lines, and to grandma’s house. This means I can instantaneously look up pertinent information about farting etiquette (don’t do it in a tent or elevator; do not ever fart at a fresh food counter, especially an organic one; do not fart in the bath if you are bathing with your lover). I can also reference types of farters immediately – “the incompetent farter” one who tries to fart but shits himself instead (aka the sharter) or “the kinetic farter” – one who farts while walking or running. This is a great recipe reference too, with such fart-inducing dishes as the Twelve Egg Omelet with Beer.

So, thank you, anonymous fart-book-sender!

What’s your best fart story? Don’t even pretend you don’t have one.

SUAR

53 comments:

  1. I don't like fart stories, so I really don't have one.

    I love the mysteries you list. Those are some very good questions.

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  2. MADE my day! LOL!!!! Thanks for sharing :)

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  3. hahahah awesome! I need that book for my husband! I had a similar class one too in middle school. But I bent over to pick up something off the ground in a test and whammo. Middle school kids are brutal.

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  4. I hope you enjoy the book..... Would that be considered a coffee tale book?????? LOL

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  5. Tears running down my face right now!! I love this!

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  6. Hilarious! I hope you find out who sent you the book.

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  7. Last night I was in the sauna with the boyfriend, and I said, "OH!" And I stood up and ran to the door. I opened it up and stuck my butt out and let out the loudest damned fart EVER.

    He just started laughing, and then thanked me for not farting INSIDE the sauna.

    I guess we broke the barrier a while ago.

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    1. Wow, a sauna fart would be damp and magnified by the heat. It was kind and giving of you to do it outside the door!

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    2. the worst is when you TRY to make to the door and you don't make it....lol

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  8. Omg I live with a man who can fart on cue and at will. The fart scene is way too alive in my home.

    Love the "why don't we point at our crotch" thing.
    Love it.

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    1. I wish I had cued the PITA in Vegas. I had no idea he had that kind of talent.

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  9. As we say in our house at least once a day "farts are funny!". My favorite fart story would have to be from high school. My best friend was throwing a keg party, it was late into the night, and a bunch of us we sitting on the stairs, talking. My ex-boyfriend was passed out on the floor of the hallway just a few feet away. I released a quality SBD and as everyone gagged in disgust, I pinned it on the ex, stating for the record that I knew it was him because he did that all the time. It was sweet revenge.

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    1. Haha!! Way to blame it on the passed out drunk. It's kind of like the dog or a baby.

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  10. At my bachelorette party, we were at a table with bar stools. As we were getting ready to leave there were a group of guys just waiting to pounce on our table. The took our stools as soon as we were up. The guy who took my chair, made a comment about how warm it was. My response: "I just farted, enjoy!" as we walked away. Laughter ensued around us and his face was priceless!

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  11. My first date with my husband was a rollerblading date. He sat down on the curb to put on his skates and farted so loud that the apartment building shook! A real ice breaker. Later on, I fell so hard on a ramp that I developed a softball-sized bruise on my rump that I wouldn't let him see. I still have a small lump in my butt muscle almost 20 years later. A very memorable first date.

    Jackie in Iowa

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  12. I was staying in a cabin with a bunch of girls. There was a front door and a back door to the cabin. I knew I had a big one, so I ran to the back door, opened it, stuck my bum out and let it rip. Unfortunately the rest of the girls who were staying at our cabin chose that moment to come back to the cabin... via the back door.

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  13. I was pregnant 6 months or so, and had a very foul belly. We were at a bowling alley for a friend of my daughter's birthday party. 3 moms and a dad were standing in a group and someone said something funny. I laughed and accidentally a fart slipped out. It was the grossest sewer smelling thing ever (it even grossed me out). No one seems to notice and then the stench hit. The dad skulked away to escape the fumes. I wanted to die. lol

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  14. My husband and I went on a ghost tour this past October. We were in the lower level of an old county jail and everyone was lined up against the brick wall. They turned the lights out while the guide gave some history and my husband ripped the loudest fart ever. It echoed all along the corridor. The guide went silent and then another guest shouts "Ugh! It smells like broccoli!" I was mortified! The guide giggled and said "Well, the lights are out so no one knows who did it." When the lights came back on, the guy on the other side of my husband points down our way and says "It was someone way down there!" The acoustics where in our favor I guess! We laughed so hard about it on the way home. We heard people talking about it the whole night, trying to figure out who did it - we were never suspected!

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  15. I was dating my now husband, and we were in a drugstore looking at magazines. I bent down to pick one up off the bottom shelf, and out of no where a LOUD fart emerged and shook the store (it was L O U D)! My boyfriend looked at me and started laughing uncontrollably (which made things worse). I was so embarrassed. He said he didn't have sister and never knew girls farted!! HA!!

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  16. When I was teaching high school choir, one day I was really gassy and one slipped while I was sitting at my desk. It was silent but DEADLY. Fortunately, none of my kids were near enough to get a whiff (it was the end of the school year and I'd given them a free day to reward them for a great concert). But I figured if anyone came by, I'd act like I couldn't smell anything, or blame it on any one of the boys in my choir.

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  17. I would have thought the Organic food counter would tolerate such acts of nature. What better place to do it?!

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  18. Thanks for the laugh so early in the morning:) Having 2 boys, I have way too many fart stories. The house, the car, everything smells like farts in my life! My kids love your fart posts, they laugh until they cry.

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    1. Heated seats in the van with two boys and a husband.... Eternal stink!

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  19. Anytime someone says "It smells good in here" I always say "Oh, I just farted". Really is a conversation starter! Then you get to hear all the fart stories like reading your comments. I'm coming back just to read all these comments!

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    1. My mother says that! I love it!!!

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    2. I LOVE this! I am going to start doing that!

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  20. I had a Ten Bottles of Beer the Night Before fart one Sunday, just as my boyfriend and I were pulling into an automatic car wash. To this day, I'm not sure if he married me in SPITE of that fart or BECAUSE of it.

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  21. I AM CLAIR! Seriously awesome memory from last summer, farting in Yoga. My biggest fear came to pass. Now I am set free. A regular farting machine. I wish I had sent you that book. I have to pee. Picture me pointing to my crotch.

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  22. Beth, i can always count on you to make me laugh until i cry

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  23. The first Christmas my husband and I were married, we woke up on Christmas morning to open presents with his family. When we finished opening presents his father excused himself to the bathroom. He was in there letting out the longest most thunderous butt bombs ever heard. We were all laughing, but my husband's mom made us shut up and be quiet. This meant that there was no sound to distract us from hearing the treachery that was taking place in the next room. I don't think we can get through any time that we spend with my husband's brother and sister-in-law without recreating the noises that we heard that day...they are etched in my brain!

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  24. So we AREN'T supposed to point to our crotch when we need to go pee? Damn....

    I love farting too. I have a fart app on my phone called "The Fart Sound Board" and a fart machine at work. I saw a children's fart book at Barnes and Noble called "Farts from Around the World" and they had a different fart from different countries. It was hilarious. Guess what my nephews are getting for Christmas????

    It's good to be juvenile.

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    1. OMG Farts from Around the World? So you are telling me a fart is different in Chile than in Greece? This is a must have!

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    2. Apparently so! You should hear the mexican fart....very juicy. LOL

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  25. I never thought I'd meet a person who loves farts as much as I do. Because I cannot burp (seriously, I burp maybe once every 5 years and it freaks me out every time I do), I fart. In my family, I am known as "FQ," which stands for Fart Queen. I have been given every fart book and toy you can think of. I don't, however, have that book! It sounds great. Have you ever watched the "Farting Preacher"? Hysterical. Thanks for bringing some out-loud laughs to my very dreary day.

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  26. Le Petomane was known as the French Farting Artist in the late 1890's. He was known for his ability to produce "musical farts" as well as being able to do some pretty neat tricks with water. You could "Google" him but now that there are no privacy rights on Google, proceed at your own risk!

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  27. My best fart story: I spent most of my life not understanding this whole farting and burping thing. Thought I didn't have proper digestion or something. Then I got married to a lovely man who enjoys telling stories about me farting in my sleep. On the cat.

    I am not a perfect flower after all. I was sooooo close! LOL

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  28. My best friend and business partner and I had were finishing up a consult with a family and we were in the bedroom/kids workroom and were cleaning up the notes and materials while kneeling on the floor and the loudest fart snuck out of her. She looked up and pannicked and said "Im mortified" we both laughed so hard luckily the rest of the team meeting didnt come back there to see what was going on!

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  29. Once again I'm laughing hysterically in my cubical while my co-workers think I'm nuts! Thanks Beth & commenters for giving me something to laugh about today (bad day here).

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  30. Oh my gosh! I'm laughing so hard!!! That book would be a very popular one with my family! Fart story: I used to fart in class (5th grade?) and everyone always blamed them on the "stinky" kid in the class. I never corrected them, until one day, it was audible... I was busted...

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  31. My favorite fart memory is when I broke the fart barrier with my husband on our honeymoon night. We had buffalo at our wedding dinner and later that night under the covers I let the most horrific SBD that smelled like a rotten egg. And he was stuck with me. That is the most memorable part of my honeymoon.
    Now I have my 3 year old daughter trained - if I fart and say "Who was that?", she always answers "Daddy" even if he is not in the house.

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  32. As I was settling into my seat on my commuter train on Tuesday evening, I let out a ridonkulous SBD. As the smell began to spread, the woman sitting closest to me looks up and says to the people across from her "do you smell that? it smells like sewage!" The whole section of the train discussed how gross it was for a bit and included me in the conversation so I had to be all like "OMG, what IS that??". It took all my self control not to lose my sh-t entirely (pun intended).

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  33. I love fart stories. Let me share with you some from my personal blog: http://whitneyandtyson.blogspot.com/2010/01/toots.html

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  34. My Father in Law swore that he never farted. I think that he was so insensitive that he didn't feel them leave his body or he honestly didn't fart because all the hot air came out of his mouth.

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  35. Ha! No awesome personal fart stories come to mind, but when I was rowing, there was a woman in the boat who was like you...farting ALL.THE.TIME. She would say, "oops! sorry! I had Indian food last night!" and the next day it would be "oops! sorry! I had thai food last night!" and the day after that it would be "oops! sorry! I had mexican last night!" Finally we told her she just needed to NEVER eat dinner! EVER!

    You have seriously awesome fans :)

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  36. I was at church not too long ago and let out a SBD...kinda embarrassing but noticed the lady a couple pews in front of me snatch up her grandson to smell his bottom! Oops!

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  37. I cleaned house while I was in school (CU Boulder). Once, while cleanIng a very fancy house I farted. The owner came in the door seconds later and I stood there trying to block the doorway with the vacuum cleaner. The stench lingered long after she came in. I bet she had fun telling her family that the cleaning lady dropped a bomb earlier in the day.

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  38. In this house we have frequent infestations of "barking spiders". It has taken me five years, but I am happy to report that at preschool the other day my five year farted, then "innocently" turned to the mom next to him (not me) and said "they should really take care of those spiders", to which she looked confused and asked "what spiders?"....."the barking ones" ;) So proud.

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  39. I laughed so much I let a surprise one go..

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  40. I saw that book in a store the other day, and I TOTALLY thought..."I would send that to SUAR...if I knew her address". It instantly made me think of you and this website!

    I am totally a kinetic farter.

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  41. In case you haven't heard of it, I feel that it is my duty to tell you about the fab children's book series about Walter, The Farting Dog. Check 'em out. There's even a small stuffed animal Walter - when you press his belly he farts.

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