Sunday, March 11, 2012

Why You Should Never Go Shopping with Me

Fart story #265 coming your way. #264 can be found HERE.

If you don’t like the flatulence subject matter, I’m sure you could find solace in a non-farting blog.  There are plenty out there. Or, just go listen to the Pussycat Doll song, “I Hate My Farts.” Seriously, the lyrics to that song are hysterical!

The Story:

Yesterday I went to the bottle store. The “bottle store” is what our family calls the liquor/alcohol/beer/wine store. When the kids were babies we started calling it  that. I think it was because we went there so often, we didn’t want our kids to think we were drunks. We would rather have them think we just really liked bottles. Huh? I know. Weird. But, don't pretend you don’t have these little odd things you do in your families too.

So, I’m in the bottle store stocking up on wine. I have such expensive taste that when the big bottle of Lindeman’s Bin Chardonnay goes on sale for $6.99, I have some serious stocking up to do. I whipped out my credit card to pay for the wine, but kept it in my cart for the cashier to scan (important detail). This is the cashier who always calls me “cutie,” and when I tell her (yes, her) to have a nice day, she always says “You betcha!” She is the best downhome cashier in the land.

I paid for my bottles and she asked if I wanted a box for all of them. Hell, yes. A box will make loading them into my car all the easier. Plus, who needs a million bottles rattling and clinking around in your car during the drive home? That is pet peeve #265.

Right as I told You Betcha Lady, “Yes, in fact, I would like a box,” I did an SBD (Silent But Deadly fart). It was so small. I can’t even explain to you how non-existent I thought it was. I mean, had I known it might have consequences, I would have just held it in. No harm, no foul. Plus, not like anyone was behind me. Yet (foreshadow).

You Betcha Lady went to grab a box. Then she came up behind me to put all the bottles that were in my cart in the box. DAMMIT! When I let the SBD slide, I had not anticipated that she would be coming out from behind the counter with the box and getting in my stink zone. I immediately reassured myself by thinking, “Oh, it’s not that bad.” That’s the weirdest thing about farts. The farter never thinks it’s as bad as the rest of the world.

You Betcha Lady put the box in my cart and yelled, “MAN, THESE BOXES STINK!”  I leaned in to smell the box, not feeling bad about blaming a box for what I had done. “Yes!”, I replied. “They do stink. Where have they been? By the dumpster??” She kind of shrugged. I said, “Oh, well! Have a nice day.” To which she replied (right on cue) “You betcha!” No stinky box gonna ruin her day.

 SUAR

63 comments:

  1. you kept a straight asking where those boxes have been? I could have not done it!!!

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  2. I know! I should get a job as a professional farter.

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    1. I couldn't stifle a laugh just reading that. I might have died on the spot. I always laugh when I fart, which is how everyone always knows it was me. =P

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  3. or you should go play poker in Vegas!!!

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  4. OMG that was hilarious!! You and my hubby need to talk, I bet you guys could swap some mean fart stories. Plus totally destroy his delusion that girls never fart.

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  5. I tried to let one out in the bathroom when we had friends over. When I thought I had completely "bled the tank" I returned to my company in the kitchen. Toxic clouds can follow you Beth. They can follow you.

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    1. My husband and I have conversations about 'severing contact' before coming near the other person. They totally can follow you.

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  6. Ever since I was a kid I had the gift of blaming my farts on other people. In stores my older brother was usually the victim.So it should come as no surprise how I i am if my youngest son who at the age of 12 has the same gift.If I didn't have such a sick sense of fart humor I would think he was YOUR son.....his latest ploy is to roll up the car windows and then let a silent but deadly one go....

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  7. This made me laugh soooo hard! I had a similar situation occur many years ago at work. At the same time I farted one of my co-workers opened a desk drawer. She said almost the same thing as the cashier! Something along the lines of "Something in that drawer STINKS!" I said "yeah must be the carbon paper" I did admit years later to her that I had farted at that moment. :)

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  8. I love farting. it feels good. too bad it isn't considered polite...

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  9. I love farting. it feels good. too bad it isn't considered polite...

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  10. I love farting. it feels good. too bad it isn't considered polite...

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  11. Only story #265? I'm surprised there aren't more. Oh wait, that just the number of STORIES. Now I get it. Still slow from brick.

    I love cheerful cashiers. Or cheerful anybodies that do stuff that let us get on with our life and our stuff. Like anyone involved in the airline industry. (West Jet has the best in the world!) Wait staff. People doing regulatory forms like drivers licenses. You get the idea. If you want to know if someone is a good hire, look at how they treat people doing those sorts of jobs.

    You would be amazed how many of your readers showed up to read about boobs over the last couple of days. You are by far the number one source. Not Facebook. Not Google. SUAR. Be proud. I love your readers and appreciate their visits, even if most don't leave comments. Don't be afraid, I don't bite.

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    1. I love my readers too. I love that they visit your site and that they like boobs and farts. What a swell bunch!

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  12. LOL! Back in the day, when my kids were in day care, I went to pick them up. All the little ones were outside and I gathered my boys and went to say goodbye to their teacher. At that moment, I let an SBD slip. A little puff, or so I thought. It was awful. I tried to keep a straight face, as the teacher put the baby she was holding up to her nose and to a big sniff. "Someone needs a diaper change!" she exclaimed. Meanwhile my eyes were watering...from the smell or trying not to laugh, I can't be sure. All I can say is I chuckled all the way home.

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    1. OMG my eyes are watering right now laughing at that story. Priceless!

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  13. Omg you make me laugh!

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  14. Am I the only one with my mind in the gutter far enough to laugh not only at the fart story but also at the "stinky box" pun?

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    1. Hahahaha!! Stinky box. How did I write that and not even realize it??

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  15. I went out to dinner w/my cousins a few weeks ago (Cheesecake Factory). We were getting the baby ready to go, I was standing next to our booth...and let one go. SBD. I was so glad that the food smell is so strong there, and that we were on the way out the door so I could laugh.

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  16. I just love you:)

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  17. Hhhaaaaa! man, quick on yer toes!!!

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  18. My husband has issues with bookstores...he gets so relaxed he can't hold back.

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  19. I was killing myself LAUGHING at this. With great concern, my 13 year old asked, "Momma, you going to be o.k.?" Then she looked at the screen and declared, "oh she's reading Shut Up and Run" and then got on with her life. Your humour and my appreciation of it is stellar in this household!

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  20. I am laughing so had right now!

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  21. omg! i laughed so hard at this one - you're hilarious!

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  22. Ha, that's a great story! I usually blame the dog but I guess that wouldn't work at the bottle store. Blaming the box was brilliant :-)

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  23. I had a great one the other day: while all of my office-mates were out, I let out *the nastiest* farts I have smelled in a very long time (and I hadn't even had anything weird to eat or drink!). When one guy came back (after I thought all the stink had dissipated), he asked if it smelled kinda funky in there. "Yeah, I guess it does. I'll open the window." Office-mate: "I guess that's what happens when I leave my pizza out." Uhh yep, exactly...

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  24. I had a great one the other day: while all of my office-mates were out, I let out *the nastiest* farts I have smelled in a very long time (and I hadn't even had anything weird to eat or drink!). When one guy came back (after I thought all the stink had dissipated), he asked if it smelled kinda funky in there. "Yeah, I guess it does. I'll open the window." Office-mate: "I guess that's what happens when I leave my pizza out." Uhh yep, exactly...

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  25. Oh man!!! I shoulda known not to read this while my husband is sleeping next to me! I just got yelled at for laughing!!!

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  26. i can't stop laughing....

    hahahahaha! love it!

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  27. Everyone here calls them bottle shops, or bottle-o's. It gets confusing if you're overseas asking for directions!

    At least the language of farting is universal...

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  28. Nothing like fart humour. That story is like the story of my farting life. I call them SBV silent but violent. wow, just wow. for making me sort my coffee out this morning. this was JUST PERFECT! thanks

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  29. I need to stop reading your blog from my cubicle. Farts and poop really get me to giggling...

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  30. can not believe you kept a straight face :-)

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  31. ok i actually did laugh out loud at the end of this post. (by the way, we call it the grown-up store. When I make the mistake of telling one of my friends or a co-worker or whoever that I need to go (or just went) to the grown-up store, I get the strangest looks.)

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  32. Awesome. You are freaking awesome. I laughed right outloud along with the rest of the world wide web.

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  33. I did go shopping with you. My chubbier butt let one loose as the nice fella loaded the Christmas Tree in your car. I was too mortified to think about blaming it on the tree. I blamed it on the guy. You so didn't believe me. It only took about 17 years and 3-legged dog in a Boulder Yoga class to become ready to let it rip. I'm so cool.

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    1. I love you. I will never forget that day with the tree and how I had to set you straight. If you are going to be friends with me, you have to come clean about your farts. Always.

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  34. My boyfriend was hit with a SBD at Bass Pro. I felt one brewing so I leisurely strolled a little farther down the boat accessory isle and let it loose. I wanted to make sure the stench didn’t stick to my clothing so I lingered a little longer than what I anticipated. All of a sudden, I hear “Oh baby, let’s go someone farted!” My body immediately went into “embarrassed because I got caught in a fart laugh.” I was squeaking and shaking uncontrollably trying to hide my laugh. My eyes watered, I couldn’t talk or breath and then I hear “Baby, please tell me that wasn’t you.” I squeaked again and managed a nod. This laughter went on long enough for the people around us to get used to it. Actually, I’m still laughing. The last comment he made was, “Baby, I didn’t think something like that could ever come out of you.” I squeaked again.

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    1. lol.. this made me think of my boyfriend and I.. He lets go of some stinkers now let me tell you, but when I happen to do it I get all sorts of comments... guys are ridiculous, do they not know women fart too.. and yes it may infact stink from time to time... hahahahaha

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    2. Yes, it was a stinker alright! But I felt so much better getting it all out. I had to crop dust the next isle 10 minutes later.

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  35. SBD ha ha!!! We call them "drag bunts" Fart and walk away.

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  36. Years ago, we started calling it the corner store. We've moved since then and there is not a store on the corner so I'm sure our kids think we've killed off one too many brain cells. Oh well.

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    1. Hey!!! I'm not Unknown!!!

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  37. Oh you have no idea how much joy these fart posts give me! Trying hard to contain myself at work. hee, hee :)

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  38. HAHAHHAA!! OMG... that is friggin hilarious!

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  39. Too funny! Sometimes I will let loose a SBD in bed and then wave the covers so my husband gets a good whiff. That's a trick I learned from my big sister. Yes, I AM a little evil deep down. :-)

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  40. I like to fart at work in the elevator before getting off and leaving it for the next person to find... makes me giggle like a 12 year old every time.

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  41. Oh SUAR, you just made my day! :)
    I used to not fart at all when I am with people... do you know how many stomach pains I have gotten? Until one day, I told my boyfriend that my belly hurts because of gas. He asked me to just fart and not hold it in. Haha. I have never held it in ever since! MAN! Farting sure feels good!

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  42. HA HA HA!!!! Stinky Box.....now that has a different meaning doesn't it!!!!!!

    And farting is what I do and I don't care. Karen always asks me if I would do that in XYZ place and I tell her all the time You, betcha!

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  43. This story just makes me want to go shopping with you even MORE! I seriously had a pretty crappy day, and your story made me laugh and laugh. So, THANKS!!!

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  44. wow.. jennifer adams likes farting so much she posted about it 3 times! lol

    I have a 4-year old son who loves to announce, to anyone who's listening, when he farts. He makes a loud and dramatic proclamation: "I JUST FARTED!" - it's awesome. However, if he hears you fart, he will also announce that to the world as well. You betcha!

    Thanks for the laugh Beth, you rock.

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  45. Ha!!!! You deserve an award for the best blog post I read today!! HILARIOUS!! Totally something that would happen to me!

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  46. Thought of you last night when I let one at PT. Oops.

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  47. Love your fart stories!
    And I also love Lindeman’s Bin Chardonnay!
    You're stinky but have good taste.

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  48. I just started following your blog. Let me tell you I was pretty sure I would never find someone who loves running AND talking about poop and farts as much as me. Thank you for proving me wrong! (and for providing all the links to the fart stories so I can easily find them.) :-) I am training for my first marathon so I am also enjoying the info and tips on running too.

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