Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Camel Toads?

Here's the thing. I've got this pesky triathlon coming up in a couple of weeks. I was too busy running my ass off to train for the marathon that I let my cross training go to hell as of late. I know. I said I cross trained while training for the marathon, but I guess I only did that kind of. I am a liar. In the end I focused only on running and yoga.

I last swam on April 9 (58 lengths). I last biked on March 3 (12 miles). I think this triathlon training of mine might be a bit imbalanced. If I am lucky I won't drown, will finish the 12 mile ride in 3 hours, and will kick ass on the run.

I’m not sure why I signed up. It sounded good at the time. Anymore, I only swim and bike when:

  1. I’m injured
  2. I want to be a stronger runner

My last and only triathlon was 10 years ago before I got pregnant with Emma. The styles have changed, people. These days people are sporting killer designer tri outfits and riding on pimped out bikes.

I have no tri clothes. I wore this ten years ago and looked like a dork who needs a tan, but I might wear it again. I think I am singing.


And…my bike? Yep, it is exactly 20 years old. It is a Specialized Allez, but it might as well be this:


Today I got back in the saddle, and I’m not talking horses. I had to wear Ken’s old cycling shorts because I couldn’t find the one pair I own. The padding was huge and ridiculous and the shorts came up to my boobs. Here I am post-ride. That’s not a dookie, a reverse penis, or a Depends in the back of my shorts. Just an ill-fitting pair of men’s spandex (it is a cute jacket though):


15.63 miles, 57 minutes, 16.2 mpg average pace. Ugh. I am way slow. I am going to get smoked by everyone including your 82 year old grandpa on oxygen.

Here are the questions: Do you do triathlons? What do you wear? Do you use a Garmin? Do you like my shorts?

I will end with the following gem of an article. I’m sorry to be crude (but if you read this blog, you’ve come to not only expect it, but crave it). This Dr. Abby-type clipping about killed me:


I’ve got a pretty sweet giveaway coming in the next couple of days, so visit back!


  1. OH MY GOD. Best article ever. You gotta watch out for kids these days and their camel toads... they are the real gateway drug.

    I love your dookie shorts (you can't lie to me).

  2. I don't do triathlons because I'm pretty sure doggy paddling doesn't count for the swimming portion. Seriously, I'd LIKE to do a triathlon, but probably only in the ocean because 1) warn water and 2) my excess fat creates a good flotation device.

  3. Just think of all those people you are going to pass on the run!

  4. 1. I don't do triathlons because:
    (list too long to post)
    2. So I don't wear anything (if you see a nakid triathlete out there it is not me then since I don't do triathlons)
    3. Love your biking shorts. So are they yours now?

    Aren't grandmas sweet?

  5. I haven't done a tri yet, but would like to some day. I am not a swimmer, but probably could swim the length of an Olympic size pool (that is enough right????) My bike looks somewhat like yours, except it is blue and is scratched up from the wheelies I did... er... tried to do with it when I was 10. Honestly, I wanted a bike but couldn't come up with the money. My wife found this bike on clearance at Target so it is what I ride. How do you think I would look in a Tri? There is a reason I only ride it before 6:00 am. :)

  6. Bah! I always get a laugh out of your posts. Thank you!

  7. haha to that article! and that is a way speedy bike ride to me girl

  8. ohhhhh and I DO CRAVE IT!! trust me.

    loving the jacket.

    the banana seat bike. . . if I ever do a tri - I will be rocking one of these. May not have to wear Depends if I can rock that sweet ride.

  9. I'm pretty sure Bing Crosby had 4 sons, still living I believe...Not sure what the big deal is about it though....

  10. I do crave your blog I might be verging on stalker status at this point! But you make me least the biker shorts don't cause any camel toads...

  11. Another entertaining post, as always. Good luck with the triathalon - definitely out of my league.

    I've been inspired by your willingness to share and poke fun at yourself, and have followed your lead in my latest post...

  12. Love the article.... I am planning to do a sprint tri in 2011.

  13. I did a sprint tri last June, and was in a bathing suit the entire time, no wetsuit, no bike shorts. It's going to be over before you know it and you don't want to lose time in tranzition.

  14. Very funny! Looking forward to reading more of your posts. =o)

  15. No way!

    I've had similar urges, like "Hmm, maybe I should do a tri?" Because I'm kind of hard-core, and I like challenges...But then I realize that I don't really LIKE swimming or biking (only do them when I can't run), so basically I should just run...

    But dude, GOOD LUCK!

  16. See Anna's answer (no. 2) above for my take on tris.
    I only ride/swim?!? when injured as well. That needs to change but I can't promise it will.

  17. Doing a tri would be cool, but I own a 3 speed Hawaiin crusier and I'm pretty sure I would be traversing along at 3mph on that thing.

    Sorry I haven't commented in so long, I've been dealing with some pesky camel toads on my computer ... I mean. Virus. Yeah.

  18. I have done a few triathlons. I have even (gasp) coached women to their first sprint distance tri! Back when I was childless I did a half ironman.

    My abdominals are um, not as amazing as yours, thus I wore one of those Danksin Tri 2 piece suits (I believe you can get them at REI) and threw a top on over the suit top when I ran. Basically it is a pair of bike shorts and a tank top but in swimmg suit material. I didn't wear a wet suit though either.

    I have a tri on my calendar. I haven't competed in one since 2005 so I think I got ya beat there!

  19. Hi I'm a new blog reader and future half marathoner. I'm really enjoying reading about your adventures. 16.2 miles per hour is not that slow. You will pass many people. Tri's are fun! There is infinite gear associated with a tri. forget keeping up for one a year. I also just threw a top over my top and tri shorts. It was not necessary, but it was chilly and I was to self conscious to not do it. Have a blast

  20. I am peeing my pants! That is spectacular!

    As to tris...I'm like you. I haven't done one in a few years, but when I did, I was out of date old school girl in my plain old suit. Didn't care...I was comfy and had a good time. It's easy to get intimidated by all that new gear, though, and triathletes LOVE new gear.

    Your bike split isn't too shabby though, for not having been out in a long time and for just doing a training ride. You may surprise yourself.

  21. 1st things 1st...

    camel toads.. HILARIOUS!!

    2nd things 2nd...

    i'm so glad you noticed that wang in the green shorts from my race pics! just for you sister... oh and i laughed my ass off.

    your randomness kills me & i look forward to it daily!! <3

    btw, dont worry about the tri- i would totally rock hubby's shorts.. you look se-xY!

  22. LOL on the 10-year-old outfit. Wear it!

    Never done a tri and don't want to. HORRIBLE SWIMMER. As in I could float if I was drowning. That's about it.

    Good luck!

  23. you're an amazing athlete and i bet you kick butt at the tri!!

    that article is great!! i can picture my mom writing in asking that question.

  24. Have never done a no advice there. My bike has a big seat and a dorky bag on the front for my stuff....I love it.

    Too funny about that article...I have never heard of that phrase! Always good to know. :)

  25. I do triathlons. My blog is kind of centered on that. I just finished my first one of the season this past Sunday. I'm planning on doing a triathlon tips post tomorrow - you should check it out.
    P.S. I don't own triathlon clothes either.

  26. I cracked up at your picture, sorry but it is true, styles DO change! I was at a sprint tri on Sunday, being a loud and crazy cheerleader and I saw every bike imaginable(no Schwinn's though)and every outfit they sell around here. Plain old t-shirts and shorts too! I say, get out there and have fun. You're fit and it'll be FUN experience! Enjoy!!

  27. I guess you were tri-ing to avoid a camel toad with your depends!

  28. cravecravecravecravecrave

    I don't do tris anymore (mainly because I swim and bike even slower than I run, a sad sorry state), but I used to wear a pair of very thin, bit of padding Zoot tri shorts, a sports bra and a tank top for the whole race. People wear all kinds of combinations. All kinds of bikes, too. Some guy did the cycling leg at Kona with a beach cruiser.

    Camel toads!!! Oh, the kids these days!!

  29. dude, with a body like that you can wear whatever the heck you damn please!!! woo woo!!! by the way, this is Bethany, not Ryan hitting on you, lol. I do not have any tri clothes either and i do tris ALL the time!! LOL. i'm too cheap. i beat ppl on the fancy bikes and in the fancy clothes all the time. it will be great when u pass them in their fancy gear. hehe. i do not use my garmin, i just use my stop watch. and yes, i like your shorts!

  30. Count me as a very slow triathlete! But I love doing them and don't care who passes me! Heck I only learned to swim with my face in the water last year, and just got a road bike this year! So don't worry what you wear or ride. I don't know about else where but here in Colorado you will see everything! Just go and have fun! Which tri are you doing anyway?

  31. I do triathlons, I don't know if I consider myself a triathlete yet but I would like to be one when I grow up (LOL). I am very slow at the bike...quite, quite slow. I am not a fast swimmer either and I am an ok runner. So I am a mediocre triathlete LOL.

    What I wear: I like to wear the one piece suits that have the semi-padded shorts. It makes it a breeze during transition. I have one by Zoot and another by Profile Design. I don't wear my Garmin as I have tried but each time I have forgotten it in my transition area (I am a dork!).

    You are going to do great in your Tri :).

  32. I have not done a tri yet but I like the idea of wearing the same thing for all the phases. Transitioning looks scary enough as it is!

    I can top Camel Toads. My 10 year old son asked me what Jizzing in your pants means. OY!!! I have not answered him yet but told him not to repeat it until I do explain. My hubby thought it was funny.

  33. I don't do triathlons so ..
    I don't have to worry about what to wear and...
    You could totally get away with that bike and the old togs if you colour-coordinate. I'm thinking pink goggles, pink bathing cap, pink socks etc

  34. Oh my lord, camel toads is TOO funny. I'm sure they are even more gross than the other kind of camel too.

  35. Oh geez, I'm signed up for one too, but I'm totally ready to bail on it. I haven't swam in forever and I am scared that I might drown.

    I have been wearing tri shorts instead of bike shorts. And of course, I always wear my helmet ON my run.

  36. Ha ha...the camel toads article was hilarious!

    Um...nice bike shorts... :)

    You know I love tris, so here is what I would suggest. Find a pair of tri shorts (Bicycle Village has some great clearance deals). The tri shorts have a small chamois so they are meant to be worn in the water. They have just the right amount of padding so your girly bits won't get hurt on the bike, and you won't even feel the chamois on the run. If you get any piece of "tri" clothing, I would recommend tri shorts.
    As for the top, you can get a tri top that you can wear through the entire race. Or, you can wear a sports bra, then put another shirt on after the swim. But, believe me, it is HARD to put a top on when you are wet. The best bet again would be to get a tri top or a wicking top that you can wear through the entire race.

    I always use my Garmin for races, but only for the bike and run part (it's not meant to be worn in the water). So, I attach it to my bike to get my bike pace/time, then put it on my wrist for the run. If you can't attach it to your bike, then just put it on your wrist after your swim and you can still get the bike and run data. You can program it for "mulitsport" mode to get transition times/bike time/run time. It's a pretty cool gadget to have in a race! :)

    You are going to do great in the tri! Don't stress over it and just have fun! If you have any other questions, feel free to email me and I'd be happy to talk about whatever! :)

  37. i literally laughed out loud for a good 10 mins at that one! Licking camel toads. Alerting the authorities. omgsh seriously i can't handle it

  38. Last time I did a tri, I'm not sure you were born yet ;). It was 1989 to be precise, I only know this cuz it was the year before my daughter was born. Your outfit looks WAY better than what I wore back then! But yeah, ya might wanna invest in some new bike shorts, at the very least :).

  39. So, did you ride the 15.63 miles on that cute pink bike? Maybe, you'd be faster on a blue one. :)
    1) Never done a tri, not planning one at the moment, but if I did I would wear a mask to keep everyone else's dust out of my eyes, nose and throat (back of the pack for sure!)
    2) I absolutely wear a Garmin, for running
    3) Love the shorts, I say you should keep them.

  40. Oh my, hilarious!

    Love the jacket!

  41. I am training for my first tri this summer and I am totally jealous of your bike : )

  42. Too funny. I think the hell with it and just wear your husband's shorts, it will be worth the funny looks. As a fellow runner I have been following your blog for awhile and recently started my own. Please check out if you get a chance.

    Good luck at the tri!

  43. Ok, I love you girl, but you CANNOT wear those shorts. Ever. Again. Seriously, you'll get hemmroids. ok, maybe not. And I hope you don't have that swimsuit anymore....

    Go buy a pair of tri shorts. They have only a little padding and you vaj will thank you for it on the bike and the run. They are kinda spendy, but worth it. And then you'll have them for the next 20 years. You can also swim in them. Wear whatever you would run in up top. Tank w/ built in bra, wahtever. The most important is the tri shorts.

    bottom line - wear any top that you would run in w/ tri shorts. Depending on the weather you can swim, bike, and run in the outfit.

  44. Time for me to admit my secret ambition: to do a triathlon, carrying the bike with me during the swim and run. Changing clothes is, of course, out of the question.

  45. Re: Camel Toads - That is HILARIOUS!!!!

    Re: Triathlon - It's not on my Bucket List yet, but it keeps playing on the outskirts of my mind. Good Luck!

  46. That is sooo funny! I love the article!

    I can not believe you can still wear a suit from TEN years ago! No wonder I keep coming back for more!

  47. LMAO!!!
    I only ride when I'm injured, too, and since I'm too cheap to invest in all the gear, I have not done a tri. Seriously, I thought I had a lot of stuff to grab when I go to the gym to run, I can't imagine adding anything else to the pile!
    And...those shorts are awesome!

  48. I do tri's. Often. My tri clothes are nothing special. I usually wear my team clothes. My bike is nothing special and I still manage. My vag and I are still friends and I almost always wear regular shorts. Because triathlon is so popular now, there seems to be these rules. But what I see most, is regular people in regular clothes. Except the winners...they are regular, they are freaks of nature.

  49. I do tri's regularly and here is what to wear:
    1. Tri Shorts, they have a little padding in them but can get wet and can be pretty comfortable.
    2. Sports bra - not cotton - that you know will dry quickly.
    3. Tri Top, very tight with wannabe pockets (the most they fit is a gel) but will dry quickly and not slow you down in the water.
    You wear those three things for the whole thing and you are golden.
    I have a page on my blog with a few things I have tried and liked:
    Good luck and HAVE FUN! Even if grandpa is passing you...just keep smiling and it doesn't hurt as bad :-D

  50. You look ALMOST as good as I do in my bike shorts. And I'm not sure the padding even helps!

    I haven't ever done a tri. Maybe someday. Maybe not. I'm sure you will do much better than you expect. Good luck!!

  51. First off the shorts are HOT! Second, Camel Toads?! Really?!

  52. I did my first tri not so long ago, and have 3 more scheduled this summer...
    What do you wear?
    Tri-shorts: they have some padding but not too much so both biking and running are comfortable: bonus you can wear them on the swim and save time in transition.
    Tri-top although with your abs you can just wear a tri-bra. Same idea as tri-shorts, can be used in all situations.
    Some people have trisuits (all in one) but those make running behind a bush a bit too revealing.

    Do you use a Garmin?
    When I did my first tri I just wore a stopwatch (I did not have a Garmin). I think for the next one I will still choose to wear the stopwatch. My first tri was an awesome experience, and I am glad I was not focused on the "stats" but just on having a good time. The stopwatch was nice because it gave me some idea of how I was doing.

    Btw, the article and your jacket are both amazing, for very different reasons of course... And 16.2 is definitely speedy (I usually average 14 to 15 during training but thanks to race day adrenaline I averaged almost 20 mph and was 5th in my AG - I bet you'll crush that)

    You will do awesome!!!

  53. Oh my goodness. Camel toads? TOO FUNNY! I am going to call it that the next time I have it.

    I think you are fast on the bike! (compared to me!) You'll do great ;)