Thursday, May 6, 2010

Where Do You Buy Your Underwear?

You like how I listen to you guys? Check out the new layout. While some of you liked the old one, some thought it was hard to read. Hard to read my ass, you’re right! So, voila. Don’t say I never listen to you.

As you know I’m coming up on #2. Not in the bodily function sense, but in the marathon sense. My #2 is in three days. Thank God my next poop is not in three days.

What I've noticed is that the days leading up to a marathon find me doing things I would not normally do. Obsessively checking the weather, putting gels in my running skirt and running around the house to see how they feel tuck in there, eliminating fiber and dairy (yeah, if you think that’s overboard, you haven’t taken a run with me before – the urge to crap and the frequency with which this happens, sometimes in trees, is no joke. I’ll do anything to minimize the problem come race day). Another thing I do before marathons is go to the thrift store. Where else can you get layers of clothes to throw away on the sidelines of the race as you warm up? Usually I shop at Nordstrom for my throwaways, but given the recession, I’m scaling back.

I love me a good consignment store. To me, they are not thrift stores. I don’t know if there really is a difference, but in my pea brain the difference is enormous. The consignment store has designer clothes that are gently used. As in, minimal wear and tear, and only delicate farting has been done in these threads. The thrift store, however, is hard core. Anything goes. Corduroy from the 70s. Granny underwear. Sheets. Ewww – other' people's sheets. That’s just wrong.

I only go to the thrift store on two occasions: 1. to buy my underwear to shop for Halloween crap for my kids 2. prior to a race, especially one that will be freaking freezing at the start. There are very few things I hate worse than being cold.  One thing that’s worse is overflowing toilets in stranger’s homes. Another is putting diesel in my car by mistake. Other than that, being cold takes the cake.

Let me remind you that my race starts at almost 7,000 feet in the Colorado mountains. By my estimate it should be about 25*-30* at the start. And dark. With all that waiting around one has to do for the damn thing to start already, it will be chillier than that witches tit you saw on Halloween (in the thrift store).

Why is it when you walk into a thrift store the smell takes your breath away? What is that smell? Dirty feet plus Clorox plus mold? I can’t quite figure it out. Realistically it is the combined stench of thousands of unwashed pieces of clothing all in one place. Ick. But hot damn if you can’t find some great stuff! Whenever I get my throw away marathon clothes, I find myself getting attached to them and not wanting to throw them away after all. In fact, I bought Ken a black sweatshirt for his pre-race warmth. He took one look at it and said, “I might have to keep this! It’s nice.” No matter the fact he didn’t go to DU and has never held a hockey stick in his life. The thrift store lets you reinvent yourself!

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As for me, I scored some great banana yellow lacrosse sweats and a killer zip up sweat shirt.

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I feel like Jillian in these sweats since she always wears this style. Here is my best Jillian impression:

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This is where I am yelling at someone for falling off the treadmill and puking. What the eff is your problem anyway? You think a little barf and tumble into the wall is going to slow you down? NOW GET BACK ON AND RAMP IT UP TO 12 MPH before I sit on your face!

I couldn’t stop there. I got the coolest Barbie blanket for Tara and me to cuddle under while we’re waiting for the gun. I hope she lets me get to second base:

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Oh, and I couldn’t resist this $2.49 shirt (or especially short dress. I am going to Vegas at the end of the month after all. Some lace underwear and heels and I’ll be all set):

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I’m going to end with a sweet little story. You know how I love it when people think of me when they poop/fart, etc? It’s so sweet. Well, this week I was honored in the most delicious of ways. Bootchez from Back of the Pack let me know she dedicated her marathon this past weekend to me. Why did she do this, you ask? Because she took two shits before even starting the race and two more while racing. Not in her pants mind you, but still.  While she acted kind of surprised that she had this much turd honking for the right of way, I think I know the culprit. Her pre-race words said it all:

“We rolled out of bed at 4:30 am, and I tucked into my planned breakfast.  Traditionally this has been a Egg McMuffin from McDonald's, but I figured a little similar pre-made thing from 7-11 would also fit the bill.  I have tried this in the past on a long training run, and it seemed to set right in my stomach and logistically was easier to obtain (since 7-11 is right down the street).  In any case, egg-muffin-and-a-coke and I was ready to go.”

Oh, Bootchez! You are one brave girl. Hats off!

And always remember what the wise say: “Man who fart in church sit in own pew.”

60 comments:

  1. I am a pathetic newbie runner and I adore your blog! You always make me laugh! I am a thrift store junkie. It makes me feel "green" and where else can I buy designer clothes for $3 a pop?
    Have a great race and I look forward to hearing all about it!

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  2. I get my size 14 sexy red dresses from the thrift store. My best score was probably a new Cal rugby jersey that probably retailed for $80 for only $4.00

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  3. Thrift store shopping is the best! Getting excited for you!!

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  4. I'm a thrift store diva! Perfect place to go as you're loosing weight, but then it becomes kind of addicting. The other day I picked up a dress I was eyeing last year in a retail store. When i first looked at it I was heavier, plus I didn't want to spend the money on it. So ... it was nice to see it again, it smaller and me smaller, for a MUCH lower price. But yeah, no undies, bras, bathing suits or sheets for me.

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  5. Fabulous post! love it. and 3 days til' the big day...Holy Crap! ;-)

    and I too thought of you during my ~200 mile 12 ps relay race i did last wknd, bc i swear by Day 2, your body is saying 'What the F are ya doin' to me??!" it's all outta whack and ya just want to GO. it's so odd i tell you. you need to sign up for one, just for the poopage alone.

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  6. Oh! and I like the new layout. i think it's more you than smoky blue mountains. I mean the gal on your banner looks like she just came off the poop of her life!

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  7. Love all those pics. I sell my kids clothes at a local consignment store and it is great...way nicer tnan the local thrift store.

    An egg sandwich from 7-11 and a Coke???? Yikes! :)

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  8. Have you ever tried cutting out gluten 4-5 days before a long run/race? I hear a lot of runners with stomach issues are gluten intolerant, or at least sensitive. Good luck on the race. Pooping is part of long distance running.

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  9. I am SOOOO excited for you!!! I can hardly wait to read all about it. Oddly enough, I also mentioned you in one of my blog posts this week in regards to um, doing #2! HA If you read my "Return to the Herd" post you'll see your shout out!

    Kick butt this weekend!!! You are so ready!

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  10. Just about ALL of my clothes (but NOT my undies!) come from thrift stores! Sometimes even from the fancy consignment stores when I'm feeling flush ....

    With hindsight (oooh! Pun intended) I think 7-11 might not be to blame but rather the clams I ate the night before. Yes, I'm an idiot! Thanks for the shout-out!

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  11. And I never even mentioned the two shits AFTER the race.

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  12. Your Jillian impression is hilarious! I usually just deal with the cold because I hate being too hot while running (or having to many layers). Toss aways would be a great idea in for your race.

    Wow, I'm just impressed by the egg mcmuffin before a race, let alone a long run. I would have to run to a port-a-potty right away!!

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  13. Thanks for reminding me to stop by the charity shop to get a throw-away shirt. Almost forgot!

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  14. So, I thought of you this weekend when I finished my 1st half. Luckily for me it was pouring rain. That way when I pee'd myself throughout the entire race no one would notice. All those people shitting in the p-o-p scare me so I figured "why stop"?
    Have a great race, I love the yellow sweats! Go fast!

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  15. I went to our local store to get rain ponchos for my race at the Flying Pig last weekend. One of my 'snobby' runner friends gladly accepted the poncho but also said: Wow, this even smells like the store. For 1.99 I could care less.
    Have an awesome race!

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  16. I have no problem with you tucking gels into your running skirt and prancing around the house for test purpose. As one who pins them inside the waistband of my shorts I want to make sure of maximum comfort. Nothing like being pinched in the side by a wayward gel pack.

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  17. "The thrift store allows you to reinvent yourself." LOVE IT! I am sitting at my desk laughing this morning...As always, great post!!!

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  18. When you say thrift store do you mean like Goodwill? Salvation Army? Or is there something more out there I am missing? Do I need to consult my alderman about living in a friggin thrift store desert?
    Have a great race and may those banana Jillian sweats serve you well!

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  19. Like the layout - love the sweats.

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  20. I love the new layout :) I have never been to a thrift store.....they just look so "dirty" but wow you got great items. I might have to avoid my germaphobio and go ;)

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  21. Beth. All the best for your race this weekend. Seems like only yesterday you were building your distance back up from nothing and now this. Cheers, PB

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  22. Love the thrifty finds! Way to rock the banana pants. I think I need to make a shopping trip this weekend...

    Have a great Mother's Day!

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  23. Nice Jillian impression!!! A germ a phobe like myself can't even put two feet inside a thrift store, I see this as a downfall, I am sure they have great finds! But, If I ever saw sheets in there I think I would throw up!

    Good luck this weekend your gonna rock!!

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  24. Great finds! I think of you whenever I read articles about running and pooping :)
    I'm so excited for your race!!!

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  25. Love you Jillian face. The only time I step foot in the thrift store (whatever you want to call it) is at Christmas time, Yep that's right! Not for presents but for the white elephant that my boyfriend's family hold each year.

    Good luck on the race!

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  26. Excellent Jillian impression, BTW. I also love a good consignment store...even with the unique aroma (perfectly described). Good luck this weekend!!!

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  27. Ok. You ARE weird. Why are you grossed out by someone elses sheets but not their granny panties? Major EEWWWW!!!!!

    Good luck on your race!
    Laura

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  28. Oh how I love your blog! You are just so funny it's awesome! This post totally had me cracking up through the whole thing!

    You're right about thrift stores, they always smell. Yuck!

    Love the Jillian impression..ha ha!

    7-11 egg mcmuffin...gross...just gross! I would literally throw up if I ate one of those!

    Once again, good luck this weekend! I'm glad the weather is going to be nice...hooray for no snow!

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  29. Wowww I don't think I could handle an egg muffin before a marathon! Holy crap (no pun intended)!

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  30. I think I would suffer the cold initially, knowing that I would warm up once I got going.

    There is NO WAY I would consider eggs before a run and soda...haven't tried that in years.

    I hope you let us all know what your day before, and hours before the marathon nutrition is?
    One thing I do before a race is a 2 mile warm up which helps with the pre-race pooping thing. But I certainly don't want to run 2 extra miles before my marathon so I'm especially curious about what you might eat to avoid the racing poops.

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  31. I had a friend who did stand-up comedy and the funniest thing he ever did was buy swim trunks at a thrift store meant for a 300 pound guy. It had a liner which he pulled up so he could wear it as a jumper with his head sticking out through the "wiener flap."

    Maybe you had to be there...

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  32. I love your Jillian impression and those sweats look pretty darn good on you. Maybe you should keep em?

    I hate trift stores, esp the smell. My mom always used to drag me along with her and I HATED it. I still refuse to set foot in one just based on my past experiences.

    Wait up, Vegas? At the end of this month? My husband and I are going there May 28-31st and we need someone with lace underwear and a short dress to wander around with. :) OK that sounded dirty...you know what I meant.

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  33. I totally love thrift stores. Where else can I get unused Athleta tops on 99cent Saturday?

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  34. I need to remember to hit the thrift shop before my next race! You found quite the treasures.

    I like the new look! And that pic is on the signs all over town (and on the race logo) for my half next month. It makes me want to go for a run every time I see it. I love it!!

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  35. good luck! i think i'm weird because thrift stores freak me out. i love the idea but when it comes down to it i just can't do it!

    and awesome jillian impression. totally spot on :)

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  36. I have no need for thrift shops for pre-race throw-away clothing--I need go no further than my husband's drawer of exercise clothing. Last fall I was sporting his vintage 1990 evergreen tights over top of my shorts. The best news is that there is plenty more of that where it came from.

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  37. IMHOP, I like the old layout, go ahead, shoot me :)
    Love the Jillian pic, I think you make a better Jillian, too!
    You are going to rock that race, no doubt about it. The fact that you have given up fiber and dairy is a true testament to your strength :) Run fast, run strong and ENJOY yourself! Hug Tara for me, and one for you!

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  38. I do like the sound of consignment store rather than thrift store. Just reading this post, I could smell the nastyness!

    Gross, underwear at a thrift store? How disgusting!

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  39. Have a great run! You are ready and one tough momma! Hope the Barbie blanket proves to be "lucky".

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  40. I love your blog, you are so funny. I always read your posts out loud to my husband. You can totally get some awesome scores at thrift stores IF you can get over the smell once inside the door... I agree, what is that smell?!? they all smell the same... BAD!

    Good luck. You'll be awesome!!

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  41. Haha! I'm pretty easy, so getting to second base wouldn't be hard.

    I think you should run in those yellow pants. If you crap yourself, the colors would go fantastic together.

    I can't believe it's HERE!

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  42. my sister is obsessed with goodwill. she once asked if they had gift certificates. for real. Good idea though on getting race/throw off stuff!

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  43. Good luck this weekend! You're going to do great.

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  44. You scored big time! Your throwaway clothes look sweet :)

    Good luck! Have fun!

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  45. Love your Jillian!

    GOOD LUCK and have fun!!!!!!

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  46. loving the new layout. new photo. excellent.

    The yellow pants are awesome. seriously. You sure you have to ditch those beauties?!

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  47. Those are some good thrift store finds! Good luck this weekend!

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  48. Ha, funny. I was going to say "you're not yelling enough in your jillian impression" but then I read hte line below and you said that you WERE yelling. Well played, well played

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  49. Oh, like the new layout a lot. (the pink / blue one)

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  50. I know what you mean about the thrift stores- that smell is awful and is the SAME in every single one!
    Great Jillian impression:)
    Good luck on your marathon- sure you'll kick ass!!

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  51. Love the new layout. I am doing the 30 day shred dvd by Jillian - too funny - that is exactly what she always wears.

    Good luck on Sunday - I will be sending positive vibes your way. Hope you have a great race. Enjoy the run!

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  52. Watch it under that Barbie blanket girls! Beth, have the best time this weekend! Run your little heart out and finish with a smile!

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  53. Love the new layout! Good luck tomorrow. I'll be cheering for you and hoping that it's the best Mother's Day marathon you've ever run!!

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  54. great jillian!!

    good luck this wknd!! i can't wait to read the race report!

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  55. I can't wait to read about the marathon. Great idea to thrift for throwaways! I'm a yard sale junkie, myself and have been known to pick up items left out on the curb on town trash day as well. In fact just this week I was out running with a friend and saw the cutest little 50's style wooden student desk that I thought seriously about carrying back with me on the run. But, since I'm a wimp and can barely carry my own body weight, I decided to forgo that idea.

    I have yet to figure out what to eat before a run. I do long runs on saturday and even by mile 6 or 7 I feel my body cramping up on itself. I never know what to eat in the morning before the run.

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  56. You totally rocked - HOPE you are feeling well . . . as good as you can after 26.2 rocking miles.

    HAPPY Mother's Day! Now go and relax.

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  57. she is seriously a bad-ass...I cannot IMAGINE eating that before a marathon

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  58. Where are these smelly thrift stores? I love me some thrift stores, but even I stop at the smelly ones! I have had some great scores at the local thrift stores here including NorthFace jackets and Pearl Izumi shorts, runnning tights and jerseys (still with the tags)...you just got to go to the right places. Of course, I'm all for some crazy vintage stuff too!
    As far as the "pooping situation" goes...I have quite the opposite problem. My constipation gets bad. BUT there is a good side to it...I NEVER have to poop during a run, and I hardly ever have to stop to pee! Gotta love that! At least I'm not planning my runs around where the bathrooms are!

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  59. Just to clarify...I stop ...as in, I DON'T, go to the smelly thrift stores..I have to draw the line somewhere..

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