Friday, June 18, 2010

I Can’t Take Anymore Surprises

I had two surprises on my 15th wedding anniversary.

No, neither involved getting my cherry popped. That is so yesterday.

Surprise #1: Flying High

We don’t always get gifts for each other, and this year I was at a total loss. 15 years is crystal and watches. Ken’s not a crystal kind of guy (candy dish anyone?) and he just got a new Garmin. I thought I might get us some Cristal champagne (get it?) because Jay Z and I are tight and I do whatever he does. But did you know that stuff is $250? That’s like $10 a sip, and I only pay that for chocolate soda.

So, I settled on getting Ken…nothing. Except a mushy card that made me cry.

He, however, brought out the big guns. I knew it had to be a major deal because he told Sam to get ready with the camera. He handed me the cutest card:

annivcard

(I told you we were all about the farts around here…)

Then I pulled out of the envelope….certificates for Ken and I to go skydiving. No shit. I almost threw up. I’ve talked lots of smack about wanting to skydive, but I hate to fly and I hate heights and I don’t want to orphan my children and why jump out of a perfectly good airplane??? But Ken said we have to do it, so we will. I do what he tells me. We’ll each tandem with an instructor who probably doesn’t want to die, so we should be safe. Ken has arranged for me to be videotaped while falling to my death. It should be fun to see how I look shitting myself in the air as opposed to while running.

Sam was supposed to take my “I can’t believe it” picture when I opened the envelope, but he had it on video instead, so you get this:

Surprise #2: A Visitor For Dinner

After the skydiving shock, we headed out for a late dinner. I needed a drink just to entertain the idea of jumping out of a plane at 12,500 feet.

We sat on the patio, enjoying a drink and trying to figure out of the host(ess) was a man or woman staring lovingly into each other's eyes, when I was felt something on my leg. Then I felt something in my lap. I looked down to see my napkin fluttering. Something was under it. And it wasn’t Ken feeling me up on our anniversary. I screamed and threw the napkin on the patio. “There is something alive on me!! I think it’s a bird!” By this time I was standing up, hyperventilating. Ken then said, “No it’s a BAT!” Yes, friends for a brief moment in time I had a bat on my lap, dangerously close to my crotch. Bats suck. They are eerie and elusive and rabid and icky.

As Ken and I were jumping around the patio, the busboy came out to try to capture the thing, which was fluttering all over the place (clearly trying to get back to my crotch). Every time the bat jumped, the busboy jumped. I could hear him coaching himself under his breath, “You’re okay. It’s only a bat. You can do this.” Meanwhile, Ken asked if I wanted to move inside, but being the practical person I am, I said no. I mean what are the chances of that ever happening again my lifetime, much less during this dinner? Holy shit. You could travel to Africa for two weeks and never so much as get bitten by a tse tse fly. But, go to some fancy patio on your anniversary and poof! Bat in crotch.

To say the least it was a memorable time.

Now, we have to think about this jump. Would you do it?

37 comments:

  1. LOL!!! Great bat story!
    And heck yes I'd jump out of the plane. I'd be scared shitless, but I'd do it!

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  2. Really? I always thought bats were kind of cute. Funny little faces. And cool, too, the way they swoop around. Of course, I've never had one in my lap....

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  3. i have gone skydiving and it is awesome and totally worth it.

    holy cow batman.....ICK>>>>>

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  4. I would SO go skydiving!! What an awesome gift!
    Oh, and as for the bat...you are braver than I am! I'd go skydiving but the bat would make me faint...creepy!

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  5. We had bats in our house a few years ago. I woke up one morning to find one flying over our bed. Yikes! Animal control guys were there the next morning.

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  6. Haha! A bat in your crotch! We've had bats in my house before...no thanks! But what a memorable anniversary it turned out to be.

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  7. crazy about the bats. i would have freaked out for the rest of the day. and WAY COOL about the skydiving. such a creative and unique and awesome gift :)

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  8. That's so funny about the bat. Don't worry about the skydiving - at least it'll get you out of the plane and onto the ground pretty quickly.

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  9. Gone sky diving... it's AWESOME. To do it in CO is probably spectacular! Enjoy it! :)

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  10. If you can have a rabid bat in your lap you can total Jump out of a plane!!! It will be a blast! I can't wait to read all about it!

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  11. I hope you guys had a great anniversary!! I am soooo jealous of ur skydiving trip!!! I want to go sooo bad!!!!

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  12. I am afraid of heights and hate to fly too, so I don't think I could bring myself to do it. You are a much braver woman than I am though, so you will rock it like you do everything you try!

    Crazy bat story! I don't think I could have finished my meal, inside or outside.

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  13. I am a major wimp...no skydiving or bat in crotch for me thank you very much.
    But, I count on you going skydiving...I do lots of my living virtually, through you and a few other bad ass daredevils :) Can't wait to see the video!

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  14. OMG I LOVE bats I've seen them several times around here. I think they are smart and cute. The little brown ones anyway. What an awesome gift though (skydiving, not bat in crotch) oh and I didn't realize DFL was a term until you posted it and now I see it everywhere so I feel foolish.

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  15. First--Of course you are going to sky dive. If there were any doubt you wouldn't have written it here for the rest of the world to shame you into doing it. You will LOVE it. It is only scary until you jump. After that, it is the most amazing feeling in the world. You are literally FLYING. Nothing else like it.

    Second--I was seriously laughing out loud at your bat story. It would have TOTALLY freaked me out, but of course I laugh...because it wasn't me.

    Happy anniversary.

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  16. I usually don't mind critters, but bats just FREAK ME OUT! Lots of them used to "live" behind the shutters right outside of our bedroom window where they would return every morning at about 4:30am and wake us. The shutters are gone and so are the bats and so is the nasty mess they left behind. I don't think I'll ever recover from that episode!
    OK, sorry, back to your question! I would totally do the skydiving thing, but only with the instructor. Hope you had a great anniversary, well, despite the creepy bat incident!

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  17. If only there was video posted from the bat in your crotch! Where's the paparazzi when you really need them? I can hear Ken saying "It's a BAT." Are you laughing about this yet? Have scrubbed yourself raw? I would jump out of the plane, especially if you told me to and I think it's the coolest most loving thing for Ken to do! yeah.

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  18. I would have completely passed out if a bat was on my lap, for sure.

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  19. Awesome gift. I skydived about 15 years ago in California. It was an amazing experience, however, you are doing it the right way by going tandom. Myself and my adreniline junkie friend thought it would be cool to go A.F.F.(accelerated free fall) which meant we took an 8 hour class and had two instructors hanging on to me as I jumped. Then I pulled the rip cord and landed by myself. I didn't actually land, but more crashed into the ground. Another guy in the group shattered his ankle from toggling too high up. The ground still comes at you at 25mph with an open chute. It is great fun, but better to be attached to a pro all the way the first time. BTW, which patio were you on? Happy anniversery!

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  20. I have skydived twice. I was and still am afraid of heights. I would skydive again in a heartbeat!

    GO FOR IT!!

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  21. Little known fact .... a bite from a radioactive crotch-bat gives you the power of flight, so skydiving should be no problem.
    I think that was the early draft form of the Spiderman story.
    Also .... Happy Anniversary!

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  22. Definitely a memoriable anniversary! Happy plane jumping...glad it's you and not me!! :)

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  23. wow! now that is a gift. you gotta do it!!

    only you with the bat! :-)

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  24. You are going to love it! I did it for my 25th bday and loved every second, and I am no fan of flying. Its a big rush, and having some random guy that you met 5 min before strapped to your back does somehow make you feel safer! Have fun!

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  25. Wow..how fun to go skydiving! I've always wanted to do it too, but have always chickened out! I can't wait to hear all about it!

    OMG..that bat would have completely freaked me out! What are the odds of that happening?

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  26. Oh I LOL'ed through the whole thing! I thought weird crap like bats in the lap only happened to me! =)

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  27. Well bat shit...

    Skydiving will be awesome. You will totally enjoy it.

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  28. That is awesome!!! I would totally do some skydiving (although, someone would have to push me outta the plane). You'll be perfectly fine since you're doing it tandem. When R U planning this? Can't wait to see the post on this one. Tehe.

    Sorry about that bat in your crotch...bummer.

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  29. That was me in the last post, I was signed into the wrong gmail account.

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  30. Yes...I actually just told my husband last week that for my 30th b-day I want to go skydiving...so fun!

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  31. I say I'd totally skydive, but who knows how I'd feel once I'm up there. :o)

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  32. Wow, skydiving would be....interesting. I think my wife knows better to get something like that for me - I hope.

    And you think that you poop a lot while on the ground, just think how much you'll go when you are flying TOWARDS the ground.

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  33. YOU WENT SKY DIVING?!! amazing...though I talk big I'm not sure I wouldn't chicken out and the bat hello that's just too much I'd be freaked to ever eat there again

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  34. Uh, a big fat NO for me on the skyjumping - I have sweaty palms right now just thinking about it! But, that Ken sure knows how to surprise a girl!
    Only you could have a bat feel you up ;)

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  35. you're bat sock crazy if you don't! sorry...thought you might just want ONE more horrible pun

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  36. I WANT to be the kind of person who would skydive. You ARE the kind of person. I shall continue to live vicariously...

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  37. I just went skydiving in May up in Longmont, CO. It scared the crap out of me but was fun at the same time. I blogged about it. http://lazybonesrunning.blogspot.com/2010/05/mile-high-sky-diving.html
    If you get motion sick you may want to take a dramine before you go. I thought I was going to throw up on my brother (and myself).

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