Monday, April 4, 2011

Run Rating Scale

Thanks for all the congrats on my paragraph in Runner’s World. I forgot to mention that they asked me to be on the cover, but I told them I’d rather be on page 126, hidden two pages before the end of the magazine. Plus, I felt bad for Kara and how little press she gets.

I ran 13 miles yesterday. Longest run yet post injury. The hip felt great, but again I was plagued by the turd tragedies. At one point I was doubled over on the path while my running companions just watched, offering gifts of toilet paper and pats on the back and asking if perhaps they should call the EMTs. They probably had poop envy ( when a person is constipated and suddenly becomes aware of the surrounding people's ability to go to the toilet whilst they suffer an uncomfortable and painful fate – urban dictionary).

There was one girl I had never run with before. I am sure I made a great impression. Post- run, she probably went home and told her husband, “The strangest thing happened today. I ran with this girl who kept having to hide in the bushes. Then at one point she rolled up into a ball and laid on the path. I think she is part bear cub or something.”

Once again I only have myself to blame. Really, should have turned down that piece of cheesecake last night. And having the period doesn’t help (sorry to my five male readers), although I cannot help that part. If I didn’t have my period I would be either: 1) pregnant 2) too skinny 3) too young 4) or older than I am now. I don’t like any of these options, so I’ll take the period.  Does your stomach get upset when you’re on the rag or is it just me? Chris K., does it?

Overall, it ended up being a three-crap run. I rate my runs not be stars or smiley faces, but by piles. 

threecraprun

 

 

If the Boston rating is this, I am in serious trouble:

dogpoop2

 

 

You may be sick of hearing about my great comeback story from hip stress fracture to marathon runner. All in six months. I am even sick of hearing myself think, talk and write about it. But, it is happening and I cannot believe Pixar or someone hasn’t contacted me to make a movie. I could be played by Teddy from Grey’s Anatomy. Clearly, it is just a matter of time before someone buys my story because I am the only person to have ever come back from an injury to run a marathon. No, I don’t know who Matt Long is.

But, let’s face it, my comeback is almost over and will hopefully culminate in two weeks when I run the Boston Marathon. So, you only have two more weeks of my recovery and rehab. Stick with me to the finish because you know you want to know if someone can run a marathon with very little running as part of their training. It is a good experiment and will lend itself to the creation of many new training plans:

Minimal Miles to Marathon Plan!

Shut Up and Walk, Water Run and Bike Your Way to 26.2!

Run Not at All, Run Boston!

SUAR

43 comments:

  1. Injury - recovery - rehab - Boston Marathon. Can't wait for the next chapter!

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  2. ROFLMAO! Steaming piles. Nice! Yes my tummy gets upset but I welcome it. I would be the envious friend with constipation. LOL

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  3. we should do a poll on the funniest places you have pooped during training..... when you get the urge you get the urge :-) or maybe who has the best poop dance (kids excluded of course, because theirs are the best!)

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  4. I pray you can keep your craps and ragtime to a minimum in Boston as the bushes are few and far between. Yay for 13! Craptacular!

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  5. If I didn’t have my period I would be either: 1) pregnant 2) too skinny 3) too young 4) or older than I am now.

    Thanks for that reminder...sometimes it's easy to forget what life would be like without it.

    Sorry for your three poop pile-up.

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  6. At least there's a better audience at Boston :) Or port-a-pottys. But your hip is getting better every day, and thats whats important!!

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  7. Congrats on the 13-miler, and your training overall! It's impressive how much you've been able to accomplish through cross-training. A few of my teammates have been injured and have seen similarly good results using the pool to come back strong. Can't wait to see you what you do in two weeks!

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  8. At least you can poop when you have your period ...
    LOL! Another hilarious entry.

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  9. Ladies days = poo.
    Now I remember why I run alone. I don't want another person to witness my run induced elimination!

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  10. I must say as a former 3:20 Boston mar runner and sufferer of a femoral head stress fracture, I am perplexed why it is taking you so long to "come back" from the stress fracture ie still have pain. When the bone is healed it is healed. This can be seen on an xray. That spot is actually stronger than it was before. In the hip this takes 4 months. Now you may have a bone callus there (a spot of more bone) that will eventually be reabsorbed perhaps a tendon is rubbing against this spot and causing pain but I have been told that is no danger/ keep running it will go away. but you shouldn't have lingering pain if the bone is healed... you are not going to rebreak it in that spot ever again...what do they say your persistent pain is from??? I have had 6 stress fractures and haven't had to baby them after they healed. Also I stopped fracturing when I upped my body fat a little and stopped using sunscreen for runs... you need vit D just some thoughts from someone who has been there

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  11. Here's hoping you have no potty issues in Boston... I think it's more that people are lining the entire course, there's no where to sneak off to. (or perhaps guarding their property from stray poopers)

    Yup, back when Whitney Houston could sing, she planned all her concerts around her cycle.

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  12. Ah yes, the hormones=no bueno guts

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  13. I'm with you...I ran the Rock n'Roll/Phoenix Marathon last year, having STOPPED running about 6 weeks prior. My long run to that point had only been 16 miles. I kept having tendon issues in my right knee and hamstring, so the logic (so to speak) was to stop running and let everything heal completely, then put it all out there for one race and deal with the consequences after.

    From years of other races I knew I was strong enough to finish. My 1/2 Marathons were all comfortably sub-2 hour finishes. How tough could it be?

    It hurt. A lot. And my recovery time after the fact wasn't pleasant. But there were no injuries, and I got the medal. Planning on another one in October....but actually training for this one. Go figure.

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  14. I'm with you too - on the period. How do we get in sync when I'm 500 miles away? Weird again. But so far today I've dumped 3x's - prerun. Life goes on.

    Funny stuff.

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  15. Better to have your 'lady days' (good phrase Heather) now and not in 2 weeks. That has been one nice thing about being a #4 from your list of choices, no more lady day mishaps. Your post Boston race report will be awesome!

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  16. Yes, my stomach gets upset the first couple of days, which is now. I was wondering whose cycle I was on, because oddly it's not my daughters'.

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  17. bahahaha, teddy from gray's. congrats on the 13. 2 weeks until boston!

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  18. Find your agent now...

    Awesome that you are at that mileage again!

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  19. There's a Matt Long that runs here - I have to make fun of him as the book guy now.

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  20. Good for you on 13 but sorry about the poop stuff. I had the same thing happen to me on a mere 7 miles--lucky thing I was in town and found a construction site port-a-john (at that moment it was more beautiful to me than the Taj Mahal).

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  21. My stomach does act up a little more than usual during that TOTM. The guys just have no idea what we go through! We need a penis for our asses so we can just whip it out, do our business and shake it off.

    Okay, sorry, that was just weird & gross.

    Anyway I am SUUUUUUPER stocked that the big day is almost here. Talk about the most triumphant comeback in HISTORY. Kara has nothing on you.

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  22. Did I read this post right? You actually think that the other runner girl would refer to YOU as a girl? I am sure she told her husband that "this old lady was hiding in the bushes... ... ... " LOL!

    No period for me. However, my poor wife probably experiences the same crap as you (haha, see what I did there, I mentioned poo to reference your poo troubles, man am I funny or what ;) ). She gets the keel over and die cramps and hates life for about 2 weeks of every month... or to put it easier, half a year haha.

    Sucks to be a female I guess.

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  23. Anonymous - I don't have any more pain in my hip or anywhere else. Guess you need to read more carefully! I haven't had pain for awhile or I wouldn't be running. Not everyone takes 4 months to recover, it is very individual and I am being extremely cautious. I have been under a doc's care for six months now am following his direction. I'm happy with my recovery. Naturally making sure my vit d and calcium levels were adequate was one of the first things I did. Thanks for your input.

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  24. DLW- didn't even think of that! You are so right - period now means no period in Boston!

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  25. Nice job on finishing 13 miles.

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  26. Training is so over-rated!! I ran Boston last year with less than you are doing - you'll get there, turds and all!

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  27. Just be thankful that you didn't have any animals roll in "it" and then show up at your door :)

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  28. Ha ha! Must confess to having a bit of a "turtle head" in last mile of my run today! Luckily I was on the treadmill and the toilet was in the next room.

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  29. Hilarious post..."part bear cub".

    I hate runs with the innards just aren't working with me! Hope you runs get better...soon!

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  30. I wanna run 13 miles..... blah. I'm being a wuss and stuck on 4 miles and can't even run them without stopping for a minute walk. My legs and feet hate me. But I keep telling them they have to do it because I spent 50 bucks on a half marathon in May. I will, I will, I will do it!
    Don't stop writing about your injury, recovery, rehab, Boston! It keeps giving me the will to run! It keeps me thinking I will break through this barrier and get my groove back.
    As I ran my stupid 4 miles today I kept thinking about how far you've come since your stress fracture and how you'll be running twice as much as me, and how much you'd make me stop any way for poop breaks and how grateful I'd be for the running break.
    Keep going!

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  31. I like the ratings system. Reminds me that I should go to the movies again soon. I wonder if there are any 5-turd movies on at the moment.

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  32. Boston might need to be 7 dumps.

    Even # dumping is just weird.

    I like the smiles on them though.
    I like me some happy sh*t.

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  33. LMAO! I did a 13-miler this weekend but it was only a 1 turd run...I can only aspire to be like you :)

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  34. this is awesome! Just stumbled on this through an Athleta post and subscribed. Already forwarded on to my mom who has lost a couple of mittens for this very cause over the years. Naturally I had to send a link to her as well. Thanks for the entertainment and here's to less dumping in Boston.

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  35. Yeah for a half marathon yesterday! that sounds closer to marathon when we say it like that right?! I for one am not tired of reading about your progress because it means there is hope and it is possible to comeback after an injury. Stomach problems is my main enemy, it sucks. I raced Saturday and I had problems..that with side pain, not good. raiting system is awesome!

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  36. I have poop envy. Though I did manage 1 on my run yesterday :)

    Yay for the long run!

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  37. Dude, I ran a marathon on my period once and it was AGONY. Just awful. Worst feeling ever. I wanted to kill myself and a few bystanders for good measure.

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  38. it's totally expected to have changes in your pooping while on your period. it's because the hormones that stimulate your uterus to contact also do the same to your GI tract. gotta love being a girl right?

    and wooooooooot to your LR. i actually really hope that you were crawled up on the road like a bear cub. because it's something i get the urge to do sometimes (ahem that time of month) but never do. can we run boston together like that?! i bet we'd get the cover of the globe! hah!

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  39. What are your plans for after The Boston? Will you continue to up your miles for another full sometime soon?

    Love reading and seeing how far you have come in the past few months! :) Great Job - no matter what Anonymous says!

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  40. Wait a minute. How do you define a "crap" in the rating scale: by aroma (you would need a pungent scale), by volume, or each session or interval? Does consistency (viscosity) come into play? Or perhaps length but I'm told length doesn't matter).
    .

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  41. Last time I was on a run I seriously thought I was going to crap my pants... there was no bushes for me to hide in, the trail was to wide open with too many people to just squat on the side, I had to walk half a mile not wanting to upset my tummy till I finally reached the bathroom. Not fun... so I'm hoping Boston is a no crap run for you.

    Congrats on your 13 miles :)

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  42. 13 miles... oh to be able to run 13 miles again... *sigh*

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  43. People should talk about this issue more! I thought I was the only one! :) Love the rating system.

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