Wednesday, April 11, 2012

I’ve Got a Disease

Is it just me or do you sometimes put your foot in your mouth?

P1120515

I love this picture because my freakish long second toe is sticking out like a finger.
That toe has a mind of it’s own I tell ya.

Foot in Mouth Disease: It often goes like this: you say something and as the words are rolling off of your tongue, you know it is wrong, but it is also too late. Everything moves in slow motion and you want to stop, to take it all back, to do a do-over, but the moment has passed. Then, you try to clean up your mess by:

  • Over justifying what you have said. Example: “It’s just that your baby is so bald and in that polo shirt I thought she was a he. I mean, she is potentially so gorgeous. When her hair grows in she will be really pretty finally. Oh I’ll stop talking now.”
  • Apologizing profusely. Example: “Oh, wow. I should have never said you looked great for being seven months pregnant. I simply forgot you had your baby seven months ago. My bad!
  • Laughing awkwardly and hysterically at yourself. Example: “Bahahhahahahaha! I am so dumb! You said you had to get a cab! I thought you said you had crabs!”
  • Turning around and walking away. No example needed.
  • Pretending you never said it. “What? I did not just say your mom needed to shave. Why would I ever say that? You are dumb for even thinking that. What is your problem? I cannot believe you. Seriously. I don’t think we can hang out anymore.

By now you know I am working up to a story. One of my finest foot-in-mouth moments in quite some time.

The story:

Last week I had just gone for a long trail run. In a running skirt. It was a gorgeously warm Colorado day. I had to head straight to the grocery store post-run, so I went in my skirt. As I was approaching the store door, I realized I forgot my coupons (I LOVE my coupons). I quickly turned around to walk back to my car when I fell in step with a sassy woman (SW). She was checking me over, up and down and all around. I looked at her and smiled.

SW: GURL!!!!!!!! Look at them legs!! Gurl, you’ve got it going on!
Me: Oh, thanks.
SW: Gurl!! I just love your legs. Gurl must do some serious working out!!

This was the turning point. I could have just taken the compliment, smiled and been on my way. But for some reason, I felt like I had to compliment her back. I don’t know why. Stupid. As I looked at her face, something just stood out. And, before I knew it, I came out with:

Me: And YOU!! YOU have the nicest…LIPS!
SW: {silent}
Me: I mean, you have that purple lipstick on and…well…it’s just so nice…and your lips…they’re so big and…well, bye.

Really? Did I really just compliment her on her lips? These lips that were so dang big she probably had heard about them her whole life. Why couldn’t I have mentioned her hair or her blouse? Really, her lips? What is wrong with me? The only worse thing might have been commenting on her camel toe. Which I don’t think she had, but I didn’t have time to check.

This is only my latest in a long history of FIMD (Foot in Mouth Disease). Usually my tactic is to immediately own up to the stupid comment and laugh at myself. But, with lip lady I just walked away from her sassiness and her big lips. I couldn’t figure out a way to make it right.

What’s one of your foot-in-mouth stories? You know you’ve got one.

 SUAR

PS: Don’t forget my Whole Foods and iTunes gift card giveaway! Ends on Friday.

58 comments:

  1. I've got plenty but I am at work so I just have to a) thank you for the good laugh you just gave me and b) promise you my FIMD story for later.

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  2. Bahahaha....I just love that you said "camel toe"! Bahahahaha!

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  3. I have chronic FMID. Every individual flare-up blurs into the next.

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  4. hahahahaha!!! Thats hilarious! I hate when that happens!!

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  5. Omgosh. LOve this.
    Every. Damn. Day.
    Seriously.
    I started dipping my feet in chocolate so they'd taste good.
    My best one was probably sitting at peanuts Vball...oh man I can't even write it. Sorry.
    I'm sure I've offended the masses in my 35 years.

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  6. I can't stop laughing... and I have the exact same disease.

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  7. Oh my, this whole week the internet has been making me laugh. Thank you for another! ;-) I put my foot in my mouth all the time. I've come to understand that I could never be a car salesman. ha ha

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  8. I don't do it (much) but my PHONE does with autocorrect. My request for a pall to join me for noon yoga was tanslated to "nude yoga" and in the same week, my request for a run in the woods was turned into "a rub in the woods." In both cases, SO NOT what I was intending. EMZ - you have to tell the vball story!!! :D

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    Replies
    1. A rub in the woods sounds like heaven.

      Yes, EMZ, put it out there!

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  9. That's a good one! :)

    When I did the San Francisco Marathon, I stayed in the city with a girlfriend from high school, who I actually hadn't seen since high school. But we're facebook buds and I told her I was coming out so she said sure, come on out and stay with me. Score. Free place to stay in SF is priceless. Anyhoo, she is gay. I knew this. Doesn't bother me in the least. Well, remember Katie A.? Her and I and my gay friend all go to the expo. Katie holds up this shirt which was super butt ugly and asks how I like it. My response: "Oh, that's so incredibly gay." Right in front of my gay friend. I felt horrible. That was almost 2 years ago and obviously, I need to go to therapy for this very one incident because I bring this awkward moment up every few weeks to someone.

    She never invited me to her pad in SF again. :(

    Hahah.

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    1. Now that's what I'm talking about!!! That is so something I would do.

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  10. Mine was with my phone: I had been trying to convince some friends about something (I don't even remember what, but I'm sure it was important), and a newer guy friend agreed with my story (I emphasize NEWER GUY FRIEND). I left for work, and texted him "Thanks for humoring me"... Instead, it came out like "Thanks for humping me".

    I didn't even notice until I got his reply back with "uhm, I'm sure I'd remember that".

    I still giggle about it at random, and I'm sure inappropriate times.

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    1. Hahahahaha!! Humping is such a random and hilarious word. That is priceless!

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  11. Ouch. Did you she give you the death stare? I would actually be flattered if someone told me I had great lips! But I can imagine she's been self conscious of her huge lips her whole life. Nice job, Beth. Way to remind a nice lady of her big old lips! ;-)

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  12. I love it! I always have to stop myself from saying these type of things because they are always ready to come out at any moment. I have held back the urge to comment on someone's pregnancy many a time. Usually they aren't pregnant:) Thanks for the laugh!

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  13. I accidentally just spat all over my computer screen at work because that was so funny and my laughter came out weird! HA!! That's fantastic.

    I think we females always feel compelled to return a compliment... so you were searching for one and your heart was in the right place.

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  14. Lol hilarious. How about trying to strike up an elevator stranger conversation by asking if he ever liked to jump when the elevator started going...before realizing the stranger ...in a wheel chair...probably hasn't tried it.

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  15. I was in labor and my husband (at the time) was needing a break from me staring at him like he was a complete idiot so he went for a walk down the hall.
    He came back looking like he had just kicked a puppy.
    "What did you do?" I asked.
    "There was this woman." His face getting red and he began to shuffle from one foot to another, "She was walking down the hall and I asked her if she was walking off some labor pains. She looked down at her stomach and told me that she had given birth two days ago!" his voice getting higher he finished the story with, "Kristine I swear, I thought she was about to give birth!"

    Poor guy.

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    1. Ahhhh!! Sounds like he was tormenting himself!! That can be really tricky.

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  16. I went to Wally World the other day against my better judgment. Then I asked my check out girl when she was due... and... well.. you know...

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  17. This is really bad. Once I did a "Yo mama.." to someone who lost his mother. SO BAD! Fortunately he knew my penchant for saying stupid things and forgave me. I think I'm still paying off my karma for that one...

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    1. Not funny but funny at the same time!

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  18. Oh, happened today. I started to take some "coaching" action with an employee and turns out he was actually in my office to give notice. So it turned into an , "Aw, I'll miss you so much...you who I just told you sucked at your job."

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    1. ha! now, that right there is funny [in my best Larry the Cable Guy voice]

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  19. Hahaha what a funny story. That's why I typically try not to talk to random people who talk to me.. not because I don't want to be friendly but because I would probably say something similar!

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  20. Just did a big one last week...I was able to insert my whole boot that I am sporting for my stress fracture into my giant mouth.

    One of the medical assistants in my office was leaving, and there was a lunch planned. As I was leaving the day before the big event, I asked her what she was bringing for lunch tomorrow. She looked at me kind of funny, and I said, you know for your lunch! She kept staring at me like I was crazy, and I didn't get it. I kept going...and finally I looked up and saw one of the other medical assistants gesturing at me frantically. At first I thought, what is wrong with her but then the light bulb went off. Ooooops...

    Apparently the lunch was a surprise. No one told me, but of course, I didn't figure it out either...

    So I just asked the one who was leaving if she was going to miss me...

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  21. I seriously just Laughed Out Loud...(yea, LOL what the heck?!) Kids are wondering what is so funny...but, it didn't sound as funny telling the story to them...guess ya had to be there. HA! Like I WAS there. Guess I just felt like I was.

    Way to go gurl!

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  22. Loved this story. Seriously keeps me laughing.

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  23. In high school I had a friend who wore her bangs super high (I am from a small town). Well one day she walked into school and said "Hey guys what's up?" I said "Not much but your hair." I about died when I realized what I said and thankfully she didn't understand what I said because I talk so fast that I was able to cover it up! I still crack up about it and that was 15yrs ago!

    I have the same disease and sadly there is no cure for it!

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    1. I love that b/c it is such a natural response!! That made me LOL.

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  24. Oh My Beth, I have too many to even count. I really must think of my best one and share. Today it was just an awkward moment with one of the fellow preschool moms. It was pouring rain right before we dropped our kids of and I came to school and saw her and said "Man, I thought I'd be on time today but then stepped outside and saw that Portland got her period again!" You know, that was the metaphor that came to mind. The dry morning and then a gush of pouring rain!! She didn't get it or like it so then I felt the need to explain my metaphor...all the while getting a weird look again. OH, and at church last weekend....okay, I'll save that one.

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    1. Hahahah!! Now if you would have said that to me I would have instangly laughed and liked you and asked you to go to coffee. To each his own.

      Email me the church story.

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  25. Ok, so I'm a pilot, and several years ago, I had just wrestled the plane to the ground in very gusty conditions. Later as I was saying goodbye to the passengers, a woman opens her mouth to say something and I can see that what few teeth she had in her mouth were black and pointed in different directions. She said, "That landing was scary." before I could stop myself, I said "So are your teeth!"

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    1. NO, you did NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am seriously dying laughing. That has to take the cake. If I was giving out a prize you would get it.

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    2. I agree this has to be the funniest yet...i have tears

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  26. You've just finished my day in the best way ever - with me laughing hysterically. Let's face it, who hasn't said something totally inappropriate?

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  27. Holy cow, I so needed that laugh today!

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  28. A couple of things here....

    1. Did she have nice lips? Cause there is nothing wrong with that. I mean Angelina Jolie made a name for herself with those lips.

    2. I too suffer from this disease, at least I thought so, then I just realized I'm a bit of a jerk who lacks the brain to mouth filter some are equipped with. I now use this as a litmus test for my friends or potential friends. It has worked wonders in keeping high maintenance, prima donna types out of my circle of friends.

    Good luck in conquering this affliction.

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    1. Nice lips? Not really. Kind of balloons, really.

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  29. While I never tire of your crazy stories (especially from FIMD), the appropriate answer to nearly ALL compliments is "Thank you!" That said, I think we've all said stupid crap that we wished we could take back! So many times that I can't remember them. Maybe I block them out.

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  30. I have to say I do stuff like this all the time and unfortunately I've passed it on to me eldest who is 11. She was told recently by a girl at school that she is "socially awkward". The good/bad part about that is that we talked about it and cracked up because we both know where she got if from and overall it hasn't hurt me too much in life so we're fine with "socially awkward."

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  31. Between your story and the comments I'm LOL'ing way in my cubicle.
    I am so horrible at taking compliments as well. And FIMD runs through my veins. I am pretty sure the worst was when I accidentally asked a former boss not-so-under-my-breath if they'd like my pee schedule too after a 20-questions session.

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  32. we recently had a house near my neighborhood raided for animal hoarding. It was a few months ago but the other night at parent conferences for transfer students I was talking to new parents to our school about where their son goes to school (same street as that house) and I referred to it as the "crazy cat lady" house. Turns out their son knows the cat lady's son. Ugh. I felt awful. Especially because I said it infront of the kid too. I'm still cringing for that one.

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  33. HA!
    Once my fit, not overweight at all best friend and roommate said,
    "I wish I had your boobs." (mine are smaller than hers, but I also have really small hips)

    What I meant to say: But you are perfectly in proportion with your curves and you look great.

    What I said: "Yeah but then you'd look like me with a big ass"

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  34. I'm trying NOT to fall on the floor laughing since my boss is sitting three feet away from me, but this just totally made my day--both your story and some of the replies. I definitely suffer from FIMD, though I do make feeble attempts to control it. (Reminder to self: engage brain BEFORE opening mouth!) My husband is even worse, though; makes me know I'll never have to worry about him lying or hiding things from me, if it enters his brain, it leaves his mouth!

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  35. At least you didn't say:

    Well my, my, my what big lips you have. Big enough to blow the (oh shit I just need to walk away now.)

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  36. My foot in mouth is so terrible I can't even post it. I have the worst case, ever...

    I NEVER ask anyone if they are pregnant. #1 rule of thumb in life!!

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  37. I just laughed out loud at my desk. Pretty sure everyone around me thinks I'm crazy. My husband has the WORST foot in mouth problem. I'm going to go with the worst one as of late that ended in flowers being sent to me at work and and impressive amount of groveling, "Man babe, you're butt is getting big." I burst into tears, not something you say to someone who is 6 months pregnant.

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  38. Yeah, I literally put my foot in my mouth sometimes. Gross I know. I think it's genetic because my youngest child chews his toes too! I caught him watching Titanic and the ship was sinking and he was chewing his toe nail. What the heck??

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  39. ooooo...diarhea of the mouth. But this is too funny!

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  40. My husband gets the worst of my FIMD, poor guy. I figure he's used to me by now which kinda makes it worse becasue I filter even less. But my past FIMD incident that still makes me cringe was in college (a couple years ago - I went late) when a couple of other "old" ladies & I were working on a group project & the professor (our age) walks around and we start our discussing holiday plans. I asked was she going home (mid-west) for the holidays & she said no her mom wasn't up to having everyone out. I said "She probably has a hot date!" (in a hubba-hubba kind of tone) As all happiness drained from her in front of my eyes she says "Oh no don't say that. My father *just* died." No amount of back pedaling or apologizing could make that right.

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  41. I've done so many stupid things it's hard to count. I think my latest is asking ON FACEBOOK why one friend wasn't coming to an event when another friend of hers was. Turns out the one friend wasn't invited to the first event and I made my friend look awkward for declining. UGH. Just had to call that out. We've all been there. But I hear you... it's like it's leaving your mouth and some part of your brain says.... SHHIIIIIIT, stoppp, NOOOOW but it doesn't happen.

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  42. P.S. I love your blog. It is awesome! And oddly, my man's name is Ken... weird....

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  43. Love it!! And (OMG) I too have a freakishly long second toe. :-)

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  44. My FIMD moments typically happen when someone tries to pay me a compliment and I reply with some sort of self-deprecating remark because I'm too humble/stupid/uncomfortable accepting someone else's kind words. So, if someone tells me I have hot legs, I joke "Yeah, but you should see how bad they used to chafe!"

    Person shifts in place awkwardly, then just turns and walks away.

    So, no more being humble for me! From now on, I will just say "thanks!" and move along.

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