I missed boot camp and doing 457 push ups yesterday because Ken had outpatient surgery. I try to be a supportive wife when I am not being self-involved. The surgery wasn't a big deal, but even when it’s not a big deal you spend the entire day the at the hospital.
First, there is registering where you learn of all the crap your insurance does not cover and you think, “For this I pay x number of dollars per month?”. Insurance is a sucky scam. That is my intelligent statement for the month.
Then there are 49 hours spent in the pre-surgery room where you:
- Put on your smock that shows your ass
- Watch The Price is Right
- Get your vitals checked. If you are Ken they will ask if his heart rate is always so low. As in 49, low! Wow, they say, you must be a runner. Stud.
- Get asked 57 times when you have last had anything to eat and drink (I usually say that on my way to the hospital I stopped and had an 4 Egg McMuffins and a large vanilla milk shake, is that a problem?).
- Get asked 57 times if you are allergic to anything (yes - gauze, needles, medicines, apple juice, crackers, toilet seats, blankets, speculums, scissors, stitches, dogs, latex, hospital gowns, etc.)
- Make animals and obscene things by blowing up latex gloves
- Talk to the anesthesiologist who tells you the risks and makes you think you might either never wake up or if you do you will be paralyzed and possibly puking your guts out.
- Wait for the doctor. Wait for the doctor some more.
- Get visited by therapy dogs who shed a lot and probably have no business being in a hospital.
The funniest thing about this picture is that if you know Ken you know he really, really dislikes dogs. He never even pets our dog. He is a completely absent pet owner. Yet, when they brought this dog by he was all, “Oh, yes, I’d love to pet the dog.” WTF? What an imposter. He is touching this dog in the picture more than he has touched our dog over the past nine years.
They gave Ken his IV:
Me: Did it hurt?
Ken: No. But they don’t say “you’re going to feel a little prick” anymore.
Me: Well, you know why that is.
Me: Duh, because they got tired of everyone saying, “That’s what she said” every single time. Plus, you just can’t run around saying “prick” like you used to.
Post surgery, and coming out of the anesthesia, Ken thought he was still in the operating room waiting for surgery. He was pissed they hadn’t even started his surgery yet. I love drugs. I love laughing at people who are under the influence of drugs.
We did the usual ginger ale and saltines then graduated to gluten free muffins because this is Boulder and they aim to please. We were there awhile and I had to fart a bit. Ken reminded me this was not a colonoscopy, and I needed to knock it off, but it is what it is.
As we were leaving, a nurse, Maria, told me she read my blog. She probably knew it was me because of the farting. Hey Maria!
Our patient is recovering and doing well. Now I can go back to being my usual self-involved wife. Thank God.
Any hospital visits for you lately? Childbirth, or watermelon through a straw, was my last hospital experience.
Do hospitals stress you out? Yes, a bit. I have a vomit phobia and I’m always afraid someone is going to throw up.
Any clue what your resting heart rate is? Mine is around 55. Ken is better than me.