Thursday, April 19, 2012

Just a Little Prick

I missed boot camp and doing 457 push ups yesterday because Ken had outpatient surgery. I try to be a supportive wife when I am not being self-involved.  The surgery wasn't a big deal, but even when it’s not a big deal you spend the entire day the at the hospital.

First, there is registering where you learn of all the crap your insurance does not cover and you think, “For this I pay x number of dollars per month?”.  Insurance is a sucky scam. That is my intelligent statement for the month.

Then there are 49 hours spent in the pre-surgery room where you:

  • Put on your smock that shows your ass
  • Watch The Price is Right
  • Get your vitals checked. If you are Ken they will ask if his heart rate is always so low. As in 49, low! Wow, they say, you must be a runner. Stud.
  • Get asked 57 times when you have last had anything to eat and drink (I usually say that on my way to the hospital I stopped and had an 4 Egg McMuffins and a large vanilla milk shake, is that a problem?).
  • Get asked 57 times if you are allergic to anything (yes - gauze, needles, medicines, apple juice, crackers, toilet seats, blankets, speculums, scissors, stitches, dogs, latex, hospital gowns, etc.)
  • Make animals and obscene things by blowing up latex gloves
  • Talk to the anesthesiologist who tells you the risks and makes you think you might either never wake up or if you do you will be paralyzed and possibly puking your guts out.
  • Wait for the doctor. Wait for the doctor some more.
  • Get visited by therapy dogs who shed a lot and probably have no business being in a hospital.

kendog

The funniest thing about this picture is that if you know Ken you know he really, really dislikes dogs. He never even pets our dog. He is a completely absent pet owner. Yet, when they brought this dog by he was all, “Oh, yes, I’d love to pet the dog.” WTF? What an imposter. He is touching this dog in the picture more than he has touched our dog over the past nine years.

They gave Ken his IV:

Me: Did it hurt?

Ken: No. But they don’t say “you’re going to feel a little prick” anymore.

Me: Well, you know why that is.

Ken: Why?

Me: Duh, because they got tired of everyone saying, “That’s what she said” every single time. Plus, you just can’t run around saying “prick” like you used to.

Post surgery, and coming out of the anesthesia, Ken thought he was still in the operating room waiting for surgery. He was pissed they hadn’t even started his surgery yet. I love drugs. I love laughing at people who are under the influence of drugs.

We did the usual ginger ale and saltines then graduated to gluten free muffins because this is Boulder and they aim to please. We were there awhile and I had to fart a bit. Ken reminded me this was not a colonoscopy, and I needed to knock it off, but it is what it is.

As we were leaving, a nurse, Maria, told me she read my blog. She probably knew it was me because of the farting. Hey Maria!

Our patient is recovering and doing well. Now I can go back to being my usual self-involved wife. Thank God.

Any hospital visits for you lately? Childbirth, or watermelon through a straw, was my last hospital experience.

Do hospitals stress you out? Yes, a bit. I have a vomit phobia and I’m always afraid someone is going to throw up.

Any clue what your resting heart rate is? Mine is around 55. Ken is better than me.

SUAR

58 comments:

  1. Yes, hospitals stress me out. There is no better place in all the world to catch some incurable disease. Like the resistant strain of TB, caused by dipshits too stupid to follow medication instructions properly.

    Did you know there are now bacteria in most hospitals that humanity cannot kill? I mean that seriously, we can't kill them unless having a puddle of molten slag where the hospital used to be is an acceptable result.

    So why wouldn't hospitals stress anyone out?

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    1. Keith- LOL!!!!!!!!!
      Kelly (A RN- who works in a hospital- I probably only have days to live because of strains of bacteria you mention above) You made me laugh today. Thanks!! :)

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  2. He's nice to Violet when you're not around, too.

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  3. Ken is rocking that gown.
    I never understood why the gap was in the back - still don't. Someone should tell my OBGYN.

    Hate hospitals. The smell.

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  4. I got my appendix out recently and am totally freaked out by hospitals so I told them I needed to leave as soon as possible. Got there around 5:45am was in surgery before 7am and they had me on my way by like 10:30am.

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  5. Surgery sucks! Just had my first surgery 4 wks ago, hernia repair and that biatch of a hernia made me miss the NJ half marathon-ugh! THEN last night my almost 3 yr old (emma grace!) had HER first trip to the ER and ended up with 6 stitches in her forehead. Praying I won't be there again soon or...EVER. Feel better soon Ken!

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  6. Well done Ken! TWSS even in the hospital bed! hope he recovers fast!!

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  7. Glad Ken came through w/ flying colors. I despise hospitals and I'm sure my bp/HR elevate just by walking in the door. I do love that the hospital had GF muffins (I'm GF and worry about having to be in a hosp that doesn't accommodate).

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  8. Ken is so lucky to have such a supportive wife... not. ;)

    I actually like hospitals. I'm not sure why, but I find them exciting! Maybe it's because I think of all of the incredible things happening under one roof. Heart transplants, lives being saved, babies being born. I just feel like the hospital is such an important place! I guess when I have to watch someone die in a hospital, I will probably change my tune.

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  9. I work in a hospital and yeah, I'm kind of over the smell.
    BTW your insurance company is there to make sure that they never spend a dime regardless of whether you live or die.

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  10. My last visit to the hospital was for a miscarriage. :(
    I'm jealous that your husband was visited by a therapy dog. For all the time I spent in the hospital when I was younger, I never once saw a therapy dog. Luckily, they let me keep my teddy bear with me!

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  11. Totally thought this post was about my ex-boyfriend, based on the title. Hahaha. I'm glad your patient is doing well!

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  12. Hospitals don't stress me- I LOVE THEM (I'm a RN and thrive on the smells - beeps- sounds- of hospitals) (I'm a sick freak).

    I love your blog so much- you have a great way of staying stuff.

    Today I ran 8 miles and kept telling myself, "Shut up and Run wus" it worked. :)
    Hugs,
    Kelly

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  13. Thank you for making me laugh each day as I help my son out with his nasty math homework. You keep me sane and my rear in shape!
    -Carole

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  14. I have a thyroid biopsy coming up. Nothing to be afraid of according to my doctor who just wants a "baseline". REALLY? I have to endure a surgical procedure so you can cove your ASS? I love the healthcare system. Hate doctors, hospitals, having my teeny boobs squished in the Breast Center and all the rest of it!

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    1. If you don't want the biopsy, don't have it. I doubt the MD is just trying to cover his/her ass. You went to them for a reason--their medical expertise, but it doesn't mean you have to follow their advice. As an MD, I'm always incredibly offended by people like you. Do you think we've spent the first 30+ years of our lives to somehow try to not do our best for you? Or to rip you off? I know this is a lighthearted blog, but the hatred in your comment is annoying.

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    2. Don't go to them, as I'm sure they probably don't feel like dealing with someone with that attitude. Believe me,the average doctor/nurse/health professional is just trying to help you, not screw you.

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    3. Amen. The replies above are eloquently stated. Knowledge is power. What you don't know can kill you. I have been a cancer survivor for 15 years. Had I not had a biopsy in 1997, I would not be here writing this. Ten days ago today, based on conclusive and indisputable evidence from many different diagnostic tests, I had a double-parathyroidectomy that should extend and improve and my life. If you do not trust your physician, seek a second opinion from the best endocrinologist you can find. Don't be so distrusting and dismissive of the people who are trying to help you.

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  15. Is Ken at a vet clinic or hospital? The logo on his hospital gown looks like a doggie paw print and he is petting a dog.... Um, just checking. I am training my dog to be a therapy dog so he can go visit people in the hospital, too.

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  16. I too work at a hospital so I'm used to all the smells, sounds, etc. But yes, some of them are less than pleasant. It's pretty sad when you can walk onto your unit and tell what kind of patients you have just by the smell. "Hmm, GI bleed." Although, I will confess that being here as a visitor or patient is a completely different experience. My family just spent almost a week here after my dad had a nearly fatal complication to a scheduled procedure. Thankfully, all is well now.

    I'm a nerd and have a instant heart rate app on my phone. I checked it the other morning after I'd woken up but was still laying in bed and it was 54. So asleep it's probably even a bit lower. Yay me!

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  17. Glad to hear Ken pulled through okay. I figured he must have already been drugged when I saw him petting that dog...wow!

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    Replies
    1. Hahhah!! Yes, you know him well. Him petting the dog was the most impressive part of the whole day.

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  18. I pay a lot of attention to my vitals because I recently got off High Blood Pressure meds so yes, I know my resting heart rate. It has dropped from 55 to like 49/48 lately. I am a stud too!

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  19. My RHR is usually around the same as yours. It's really just because I want to be like you.

    The last time I was in the hospital (actually the surgery center) was for sinus surgery. It sucked.

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  20. Only you can make minor surgery hilarious.

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  21. i went recently to a kid's science museum and was all excited to see a heart rate monitor there ~ i knew for sure i was going to impress everyone with my runner's heart rate. Yeah, it was 70. Lower than my non-running husband's, but not in the athlete range on the chart. Now that i think about it, it was because i was EXCITED about the monitor...probably had my heart racing or something. ;-)

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  22. HA! TWSS was perfect. I choked on that one.(TWSS). Yes, had a colonoscopy recently and woke up also asking, "So, are you gonna be able to do it then??"...nurse said, "dude! You're already done!" except she prob'ly didn't say dude. Hate hospitals? Yes, well hate being confined. Was in one for 4 days, and the nurses were all super nice to me, said some funny things about how articuluate I was?? and later found out I was on the "confused" ward, where ppl aren't all there. hhaaaa. Maybe they had it right. All was fine til I got a roomate who had worse gas than you, used a portable toilet right next to our curtain divider, and snored like a trucker. The "best" part was when I had visitors and she took a royal dump in her portable toilet not 4 feet from my friend's bf. OMG, it was all we could do not to burst out laughing or vomiting or both. I felt like i was in prison there and lost all track of time, but the care was top notch, other than them giving me a liquid diet filled w/ uber soduim??

    Not sure my resting HR. I'm sure it's high. I've always had a fairly high HR, even being as amazingly fit as I am (ha).

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    Replies
    1. OK that portable toilet dump story in your hospital room is too much. You couldn't make that up if you tried!!

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  23. HATE hospitals and am a Big Fat Baby whenever I'm the patient! Not much better when I'm the visitor or "support" person. BTW, my resting heart rate is around 42 (34 when I'm sleeping), but I am no where near as fit as you! Just a slow, lazy heart... :)

    Once again, thank you for being YOU!

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  24. LOL I work in the Operating Room and that is all so true! I feel so bad asking someone who hasn't eaten in 12 hours if they've eaten, cause you know they are starving. Problem is we have the occasional idiot who decided to eat a sausage and egg biscuit driving into surgery. Yeah, really. Glad he did ok!

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  25. Way to rock the hospital smock, Ken! In all seriousness, I hope his blood gases are back to normal levels post devastation from your tiny hiney! (And that he's feeling better, of course!)

    And hospitals are disgusting. We've lived in them for months and months... It's amazing the crap you can pick up! Literally and figuratively!

    Sarah

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  26. drugs do make people say very funny things, just look at all the wisdom tooth vids on youtube!

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  27. I remember asking the surgeon if I could have the thing he excised from my lung to put in a jar on the mantel while I was in the recovery room still semi-drugged. He just laughed and said they threw it away. I was so bummed.

    I haven't been in a hospital for three years...baby. Hospitals don't stress me out. I usually handle all that kind of stuff pretty straight on...unless it involves my kids. Don't want to go there :(

    Resting HR...around 50. I remember setting off the alarms during a surgery back when I was in serious training. They finally just turned the monitor off because it kept registering me as flatlined.

    Hope Ken is doing GREAT...and hope he got to keep his sexy gown ;-)

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  28. I'm always at the hospital, usually b/c of my routine kidney transplant checkups. Over the winter they put my wrist in a cast tho.

    If I'm in the hospital, I am no longer stressed, I am more relieved. Either a baby's popping out, or ER is finally gonna fix my kidney failure.

    My resting heart rate is 49 but don't be fooled, I take drugs to get that.

    Glad Ken woke up pissed off that they hadn't done his surgery LOL! It's always good to be a fighter when at a hospital. They tend to live longer.

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  29. The dog looks about as thrilled as Ken at that point.

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  30. I've seen plenty of hospital lately as my father-in-law recently passed after a 3 day stay. Then my son was in overnight. This weekend we'll spend the day in the hospital for childbirth class, and this summer for the birth of our baby!

    And nursing homes, same thing. My grandma is there not doing well, and they give me that same kind of feeling.

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  31. OMG,I have vomit phobia, too!! My greatest fear is that someone will need to vomit in the restroom at work in the stall next to mine. So far this has never happened but odds are it will soon. I also have not vomitted in (wait, need to do the math here) 31 years I fear it so much.

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    Replies
    1. We are soul sisters. I worry about that every time I go into a public restroom. The worst for me is on a plane b/c I am trapped. I NEVER throw up. NEVER. Haven't had a stomach bug for 25 years. Knock on wood.

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  32. Hospitals are the worst. I can never understand why someone would work at one.

    I hope recovery goes well - it must be something about those therapy dogs that make them more appealing to him - maybe the fact he doesn't have to take care of them or feed them??

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    Replies
    1. I don't know. He doesn't take care or feed our dog now. Maybe it's b/c he knows he never has to see the dog again.

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  33. My heartrate is 48 and bp is 82/60. Every time I go to the doctor I feel like the nurse it going to knock on my head and ask if anyone's alive in there. They always take it twice which I hate because it hurts. They pump it up so tight I feel like they're going to sever my arm. Why do they do that??

    I don't like dogs either but they love me (same with cats). Put me in a room full of dog-lovers and the dog will seek me out every time. But I would pet the therapy dog too if they asked.

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  34. I used to be a nurse....so hospitals don't bother me. The only thing that grosses me out is exposed bone. YUCK. Other than that, I'm good.

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  35. I was in the ER just last week when I ran head-on into a metal sign post at 5:45 in the morning. I got 8 stitches in my forehead and a wicked concussion that still has me acting stupid. Lessons learned: run with your eyes open and chin up (even at 5:45 a.m.) and always run with your phone in case you need to take a picture of a bloody body part so that you can blog about it later (or need to call someone to come get you and take you to the ER).

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    Replies
    1. Oh, and thanks for making me laugh every day.

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    2. I had to check out your blog so that I could read all about it, so now I am a new follower.
      Glad it wasn't any worse.

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  36. Went to the ER in January with the hip injury. If it weren't my hip I'd have drop kicked the doctor when he answered my question, "So, should I stay off it?" with, {imagine sarcastic tone} "Well, you obviously can't run on it". Genius.
    I have vasovega, so I pass out easily at the sight of needles. Not sure how I pulled of a c-section and VBAC, but, I did. I think I might be a rock star.

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  37. Last time I was in a hospital was January to make sure they sent the bill for my father's trip (and subsequent death) to me instead of his previous residence.

    That said, I like hospitals for the most part. I grew up around them, my mom worked as an admin in one for around 20 years. She made a lot of friends who were pt/ots since she worked in that section so I always saw hospitals as a good place with nice people. Same is true of doctors etc for me.

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  38. I, too, am also allergic to speculums.

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  39. I had major surgery last month for a running injury and I woke up from anesthesia feeling GREAT. Then I got home and proceeded to puke my guts out for 48 hours. THAT was fun.

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  40. Sounds like Ken discriminates against dogs that don't have 4 legs and 2 eyes, if you ask me.

    Haven't checked my resting heart rate in awhile, it used to be 44. Now I'm curious. I'll have to sleep with my strap on. No, not my strap-on!

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  41. HAHAHA! Can't say just a little prick anymore b/c of "that's what she said"... that's awesome! And, no, I am not a 14 year old boy. That's just freaking funny.

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  42. Too funny. I like it.

    My mom says to me today, "I found a really funny blog called Shut Up and Run". I said I read it all the time. She asked if I'd read today because it was so funny.

    Now I'm going to get to hear my mom quote SUAR stuff all the time to our friends and family like it was her discovery. Darn!

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    1. Cracking me up that your mom found this blog!! Love that.

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  43. Timely post. I turned 50 in October and so was recently treated to the much anticipated and dreaded COLONOSCOPY. Still having nightmares...

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  44. Hey Beth..
    No, It wasn't your Farting it was you. I see your lovely face on your blog all the time. I felt liked I saw a "SUPER STAR" ! Thanks for keeping me laughing. Maria

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    Replies
    1. Hahahah!!! Loved seeing you, thanks for saying "hi", made my day!!!

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  45. I hate going to the hospital!!!!!! Mine is about 51 or so.. unless I'm stressed or drank a pot of coffee.

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