Tuesday, April 17, 2012

When A Small Butt Is A Bad Thing

For starters, I know you do not believe me, but that was not a video of me in the grocery store (I first saw this on Tosh.O last week).  Watch at your own risk. I simply cannot get the moving image out of my mind. Who does that? Not even me, and I do a lot of things most people don’t.

Yesterday was a Monday in every sense of the word.

Monday Thing #1: I woke up to a gross mess from Lucky all over the dining room (much like what that girl did in the video).

Monday Thing #2: I pumped up my bike tire so I could take a little spin and it exploded, much like last week. WTF. I mean, really. I was only at 70 PSI and I’m supposed to go 90-110. Ken figured out my actual tire had a tear in it, so hopefully replacing the tire will cure this exploding problem. I went for a swim instead. There were hairballs.

Monday Thing #3: I could not for the life of me find my phone and after calling it repeatedly from my home phone, I retraced my steps…I was in my car…I was throwing stuff away…I went to the outside trash…do I hear ringing? Yes, there it was. Gross. Yes, we had pizza last week.


Monday Thing #4: I went to get measured to be a Fit Model with Pearl Izumi. Basically that would mean I would be a mannequin for them to try their clothes on to make sure they fit the true size standards. It would not mean I would be a clothing model in a magazine. Maybe in my next lifetime when I have a different face and body.

I was so excited even driving up to this Mecca.

I would love to work at this place for lots of reasons - everyone in the parking lot had bike racks on their cars, you probably get free stuff, I like being around people who like to be fit, and maybe they could tell me why my bike tire keeps exploding.

I got measured to see if I “fit” the perfect size small for Pearl clothing. Chest – perfectly small (itty bitty titty and all that). Waist – right on. Butt/hips – too wimpy. I did not make the cut because my ass is too small. I tried to tell them I would eat more cheese puffs and work on building ass muscle, but they sent me on my way. That’s what I get for having a skinny running ass.  I knew I should have gotten those butt cheek implants last night. Goal: build up the ass.

Monday Thing #5: My last stop was even worse than the DMV – the social security office. I lost my SS card and needed a replacement. If you want to get depressed kind of fast, go to this place.

And, lastly, in matters that make you go huh? Look at this ad for my Pure Cadences at Dick’s Sporting Goods. Tell me what is interesting about this picture:



Let’s try an experiment. Let’s reframe the things that happened yesterday because no one likes a Debbie Downer or a Beth Bitcher. Let’s make some lemonade!:

  • Lucky crapped all over the floor. At least it was not on my pillow. At least he is still alive.
  • There were hairballs in the pool. At least they were not pubic hairballs. Or so I think.
  • I spent hours looking for my phone. At least cell phone technology exists at all. I mean, it would have sucked to spend hours looking for a rotary telephone or a string with Dixie cups at both ends. Plus, now my phone smells like pepperoni pizza and everyone loves that.
  • I got rejected as a Fit Model for Pearl Izumi. At least I was not rejected because I pooped on the floor of a grocery store.
  • I had to spend time at the state social security office. At least it was not the state penitentiary.

Any Monday-ish things happen to you lately? Tell me how you made lemons into lemonade. It’s fun!!

Major kudos to the bad asses who shut up and ran and finished the Boston Marathon yesterday in extreme heat! I know it wasn’t easy, but that’s what mental toughness is about!


PS: FYI – My only point about the shoe picture  is that, unless I am wrong, it seems Brooks is marketing the shoe to minimize the heel strike and Dick’s seems to have missed that. I’m not trying to get into a debate about whether the shoe “fixes” a heel strike or if heel striking is evil.


  1. Building up the ass is a good project - you'll show Pearl iZUMi!

  2. Oh no, Heel Strike! :-)

    1. Yeah! I thought the point of those shoes was to try to minimze that and encourage a more "natural" form of running!!

    2. I was just looking at my photos of Boston yesterday and all the elites have the most *beautiful* mid-foot strike. I don't know how they do it. I tried the Cadences and they still were too much support for me to run "naturally." I just got the New Balance Minimus trail shoes and love, love, love them. Maybe look into those?

    3. What I meant was that Dick's isn't helping out the Brook's campaign at all! So far I am loving my Cadences, but have only run in them twice. Going to stick with them for awhile and see how they work for me. If not, I'll check out the NBs.Thanks!

    4. You can always try Newtons! They are great "natural" running shoe.

    5. Word up on the NB's. LOVE them. Just don't make the mistake I did - get the streets & the trails. One trail run in the mud in the streets and you'll find yourself rolling down the hills in an accidental mud run. Not pretty. After 1.5 years I can't go back to any other shoe.

  3. Monday is a blur but I'm pretty sure I survived. Bootcamp is what built my arse up with all those evil lunges and squats. I have "training" clothes that only fit during training season because my arse is small enough to fit into them. Otherwise, they sit in the closet and I have to wear my big ass clothes.

  4. Just finished cleaning up the tampon that my dog ate and then threw up next to my bed...apparently while I was sleeping one foot away. Too much? Too early in the morning? ;) Great post--your "lemonade" reasoning was hilarious, thanks for the early laugh!

  5. I thought you meant it looked like he was running naked. My bad.

  6. Looking at the heel strike "hurts me"! Monday is the day you have to make the best of....you did that! Happy Tuesday.

  7. I had a hellish Monday in the ER with 3 kids. All we had is a broken wrist, but it took way too long and we didn't even get a cast. Your post gave me a cathartic laugh/cry. In positive news, my in-laws will be here in two hours. ...wait...

  8. Well, if someone is an extreme heel striker, a low heel to toe drop won't magically fix it.

    Desiree Davila is actually a heel stiker - it's not always bad. It just depends on the person.

    1. I know that. I was just making the point that Brooks markets the shoes to limit heel strike and Dicks wasn't supporting that.

    2. The Dick's ad is pretty bed! Brooks would want it changed, I think :)
      It's funny when I was on the phone recently with a Brooks rep, we were discussing the pure line and he asked why my friend wanted to have a lower heel-toe drop. I explained that she (not me!) thought it would help her heel strike. He was very quick to point out that the form issue is all about getting the knee over the toe. Not about the shoe.

    3. Sure, but being in a lower heel to toe drop shoe makes it easier to get the foot strike you want, even if there are other factors at play.

  9. I read an interesting article which said something to the effect of the fact that no shoe can protect you from the forces of running and so if you are not going to adjust your gait to handle those forces more efficiently, then it is probably best to keep with your traditional cushioned trainers. I think the heel strike photo proves that the running shoe itself does not magically give you a new beautiful running form...it takes work and gradual changing of habits to get there.

    1. Yes, I agree. Again, I was not making the point that a heel strike is the cause of all problems. I just thought it was ironic that Brooks markets the shoes a certain way and Dick's not so much.

  10. Sorry your ass is minimalist, even if your shoes apparently aren't ... :)

    I'm glad you're drawing the line at pooping in stores.

    Glad you survived Monday! It's all roses from here til Friday!

  11. I totally got the heel strike. It was the FIRST thing I noticed. And I'm sorry to hear your butt is too small. I mean, that surely falls into the real of #firstworld problems. ;) And I blogged about the Debbie Downer moments yesterday too. Sometimes you just can't avoid them...

  12. Holy heel strike! Dumb ad on Brooks part.

    Your week can only go up from here. And I would love to be rejected for my ass being too small, so run with it!

  13. That's a pretty deep heel strike. My Vibram 5 fingers cured me of that in the first half mile. I love my Brooks Cascadia trail shoes, but they are hard for me to wear now that I switched to barefoot.

    that video...there are somethings in life you can't unsee, and this is now one of them.

  14. Ha, didn't notice the heel strike, I was too busy looking at that crazy tan line. I'd rather have no arse than have "Baby Got Back" dedicated to me on a regular basis. Happy Running

  15. I was just shopping for shoes in Dick's the other day, and I saw that picture and so avoided that shoe. Funny how much marketing affects out lives.

    Now excuse me while I go buy a new Dodge Ram, and order some Jimmy Johns.

  16. Sick seven year old, husband lost debit card, and I pulled out a killer 3.5 miles of intervals and 10% inclines on the AlterG at PT.
    I'd be happy to share some of my glutes. My mom taught me to share. :)

  17. I kind of love Mondays. They're packed with so much potential. No one's had a chance to let me down or piss me off. Thursdays are a different story, but at that point I'm already looking ahead to the weekend.

  18. Wow... never in my whole life has anyone said my ass was too small. I can't imagine what that would be like!

  19. I think swim caps should be REQUIRED.

  20. I realized I had zero change for the vending machine but the good news is that I found a 200 peso coin from Colombia in a roll of quarters I opened this weekend. With the rate of exchange, I ought to be able to buy exactly two drops of water.

  21. I realized I had zero change for the vending machine but the good news is that I found a 200 peso coin from Colombia in a roll of quarters I opened this weekend. With the rate of exchange, I ought to be able to buy exactly two drops of water.

  22. I realized I had zero change for the vending machine but the good news is that I found a 200 peso coin from Colombia in a roll of quarters I opened this weekend. With the rate of exchange, I ought to be able to buy exactly two drops of water.

  23. Look at it this way. You're alive to experience all those things. Consider the alternative.

    Clothing sizes are farked anyway, and have no relationship to reality. Look at all the butts around you on an average day. How many of them would you trade yours for? I thought you wouldn't want to.

  24. Dick's apparently missed the memo on the purpose of the shoe. Happy Tuesday!

  25. I didn't even click on the Tosh-O link because I saw it on TV and couldn't get the image out of my head for days either! Don't need to see it again. Ewh.....

    And the hairballs in the pool.... gah-ross.

    I too have a small butt -- not everyone wants a bigger one. There are plenty of us out there. Now if I could just get my waist to match.....

  26. omgosh only you would have the "skinnyassrunner" issue. ;)

    Is that name taken?

    You should totally take it ---- SAR.
    Almost like SuAR. How fitting.:)

    I so want your pizza phone. yum.

  27. Aww, shame on your tiny butt!!! What a dreadful problem to have! Love Tosh.O but I do have to watch it through my fingers - I know which clip you are talking about - AAAAAHHHH!
    Hairballs in the pool - gag.

  28. I would have been rejected in the opposite order - size M butt/hips, size M waist, size XS chest. {SIGH} How does one go about building up boobie muscle?

    1. ice speedskating...that will put some booty muscle and some quads on anyone! :)

  29. That is f'n disgusting....who does that 'shit' And the best part is she looks back TWICE as if to say: I can't believe I did that. Nasty.

    Did you spend $51.31 for pizza? If so, I'm coming to your house b/c that just means par-tay!!!!!

    That is a heel strike for sure and it does seem odd that Brooks is selling the opposite of that picture......

    1. LOL - Yes I did spend that on pizza. Damn you're nosey. And I ate it all myself.

      I know, I wonder if Brooks has seen the ad??

    2. If you ate it all yourself, how do you have a small ass? And how did you keep Sam away from it?

    3. How do I keep Sam away from my ass? Gross! I'm his mother!

    4. Haha, the one thing I noticed was the cost of pizza. I guess thats where I will be one day when my kids get big and I don't have to finish their pizza. We can still get by on one pizza, but its getting close ;)

  30. I think that heel strike looks painful. And I want to work at Pearl Izumi too! That has to be an awesome company to work for!

  31. ha ha! Reframing at its finest! Hair grosses me out in all forms!

    I hope Lucky is going okay. This has to be a very difficult time. :(

    Agreed--C'mon Dick's (TWSS)! The Pure Series is meant to PROMOTE mid-foot strike, NOT heel strike! eek!

    1. C'mon Dicks. Love it. Laughing my ass off.

      You are so right. Dick's missed the hole on this one. TWSS even if it doesnt' make sense.

  32. The first time I saw that ad I wondered why Brooks hadn't gotten Dick's to pull it - that heel strike just looks painful and obviously counter to what they're trying to promote with the shoe!

    BTW I have plenty of arse and I'm happy to loan you some :)

  33. If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
    Hope that cheers you up.

  34. I can relate to the "no butt" syndrome. Stinkles. But on the plus side, you aren't um, a plus size? Though I must admit being jealous at girls with more "back". As for the Brooks ad, UM YEAH... totally defeats the purpose of the shoe, UNLESS they are trying for the bridge market that transitioning from heel striker to ball striker, who knows. GREAT post, Mondays suck!

  35. Feeling really bed for the person who had to clean up the mess in aisle 3. You wouldn't want to have a weak stomach.

    1. I know!! They'd announce "clean up on aisle 3" and the poor clean up guy would think he was coming for a jar of pickles and be blind sided. He would never be the same again. I hope she was prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

  36. That was supposed to be bad not bed. Proof-reading's a dying art.

  37. Monday = Sweet mother of chickens!

  38. I know, I will give you part of my enormo butt and we'll both be "perfect size small".

  39. I have a very non-butt. I have always wanted a REAL butt. I almost had one once. And I sort of had one when I was pregnant.

    I cannot look at that video...I do not want the visual of what it sounds like might happen based on what all these comments are telling me.

  40. The first thing I thought when I saw that picture was HEEL STRIKER!!!!

    Oh, and that's my kind of pizza order. Not sure what you have to get to spend $51-something on pizza, but I want to be involved in that kind of purchase.

  41. Mondays are friggin awesome! The kiddo is back in school, I don't have to work or go to class so I've got a day OFF, and my friend teaches the most amazing power yoga class! So I LOVE Mondays! Tuesdays on the other hand... they suck. Majorly. I have school, work, and my son has started whining in the morning that he's ready for the weekend and doesn't want to go to school. But, on the bright side: uuuuummmmmmm... I get to drive my new car on the freeway to get to school! I love my new car! So that's my lemonade: driving recklessly. ;)

  42. Don't do it, small butts are great... more than a handfull is a waste!

  43. Small butts unite! Good things in small packages, right?!

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  49. This comment has been removed by the author.

  50. I really enjoyed reading. Thanks for sharing.