Free Ball

Running tip: Avoid carrying loose change. It will annoy those running with you.

Well, shit. I just cannot pull one over on you guys. I apparently had two faux pas (pauses?) in my last post.

First of all, I told you about Devon from Outside PR who so graciously sent me the Ryders Eyewear to review. I eloquently described Devon as being a cute guy, but this was just in my imagination. Imagine my surprise when Devon emailed me to let me know she was a she. Vagina and all. Well, she didn’t say that, but I did. Sorry, Devon. Those names that could go either way really mess me up (Pat, Morgan, Drew, Yanni). I never should have assumed. Ass out of U and Me. Right?

Secondly, Paul from PB Down Under was kind enough to leave me this comment on my last post when I spoke of "wetting whetting your pallet":

What a giggle you have given me when you say something like "wet your pallet." ROTFL :-) Maybe you think we are all truckers and have piles of these things (pallets) lying around?? Methinks your fingers meant to type "palate!" Blame it on the finger with the cut who was probably just trying to get you back for attempting to chop her off!

Well, Paul, let me tell you something. I actually was talking about a trucker’s pallet. How did you know? I was hoping that we could all take a moment to rinse off and hose down those pallets we have laying around. Did you think I meant “palate?” (The roof of the mouth in vertebrates having a complete or partial separation of the oral and nasal cavities). As in a cleft palate? Oh no, my friend.

And if you believe that then you’ll believe I meant to say "Chopin was a concert penis" not a "concert pianist."

Seriously, though, thanks for the comment. You guys always make me laugh. I read each and everyone one of them.

Despite all of my shortcomings (and there are too many of them to ever confine to this blog), someone out there loved me yesterday.

Let me set the stage for you. I had just finished an 8.5 mile run, rinsed off, and decided to hit the Starbuck’s drive-thru before running a few mom-errands. I was not wearing mom jeans or listening to mom music (Kenny Rogers, Billy Joel) when I did this. The line at the drive thru was long, but I was in no hurry. I passed the time listening to Dr. Laura berate someone for the 201st time about the fact that they lived with their boyfriend (I think “whore” was the word she used). I finally ordered my grande mild coffee with extra cream (right to my colon), and inched my way to the pay window. I had my $2 out and ready to go. Rolling my window down as I approached the cashier I heard her say, “You’re all taken care of. The car in front of you paid for your drink.” Damn, I love this pay it forward stuff. And, damn, if I would have known I would have gotten a triple venti extra large mocha with gold shavings.

Seriously, thanks to that anonymous soul. I tried to chase him/her down flailing my money at their car so I wouldn’t feel so indebted to the universe, but he/she had disappeared into the mess of side streets and box stores.

This has been happening to me all over the place. First the guy at the Chelsea Handler show buying me drinks. Then my massage therapist gave me a free massage the other day because I lended an ear to listen to some of her personal problems. Now, the free coffee. What is this world coming to? Who do these generous people think they are? And, who of you, and I mean who of you is going to pay my mortgage this month?

Wish me luck on my 20 miler this weekend. I had it all mapped out on back dirt roads until we got major snow today. Now what’s a girl to do? Will she ice bath or won't she ice bath? Will she wear any clothes this time, or will she free ball? (What is the female equivalent of "free ball" anyway? Loose lip? Feel free to comment about that one).

Misszippy is doing a great giveaway on her blog for the new book Run Like a Mother that comes out 3/23. Also on her blog is an interview with the author.

Drinking: H20

My New Party Hat

Running tip: If you're having trouble getting motivated to run, sign up for a race and tell everyone. You'll be much less likely to drop your training plan if you've spent the money and blabbed that you're doing it. Then, if you don't show up, you're poor and a loser.

I’ve got some random thoughts for today. I didn’t want to devote an entire post to any one of these things, so let’s just do some bulleting:

• Before I get all serious, I'll tell you this: son Sam came home from baseball yesterday and promptly put his crotch cup on Lucky’s head. Poor dog. It does make a great party hat! I might wear it to my next social gathering. PTA here I come.

• Running is such a mental game. If you go out to run 18 miles and you are committed to the distance, that’s what you will do. If you go out to run 9 miles the next week you feel like that is only as far as you can go. I think that’s why when people run a half marathon they will sometimes say after the fact: "I could not have gone another 13.1." The point is, it’s about what you set your mind to before you started running. You run differently and think differently for different distances. This is not rocket science and yes, I am stating the obvious, but I thought about this today on my run (here I am getting ready to go. Ignore the mess that is my house ->).

• People who yell at their kids and treat them like shit in public are evil. We all scream at our kids at some point and have moments that wouldn't win us a parent of the year award. But, I’m talking about those parents who are constantly all over their children using a tone that shouldn’t even be used on a disobedient dog. “Put that down! Come over here! Shut your mouth!” Poor kids can’t catch a break. I was in Walgreen’s today and some mom with three little girls was doing this. She ended her tirade by commanding them to “Get in the damn car.” As far as I could tell, the kids were being kids. They weren’t poorly behaved. They were little and acting like little kids act. My thought on this is that if people treat their kids like this in public for all the world to see, my God, what are they doing to these kids in their privacy of their own home? Granted, I don’t know what kind of shit this woman has going on in her life, but it was obvious she was taking it out on those girls. In those moments of treating her kids with absolutely no respect, she is molding their little minds and souls, and not for the better. Made me sick.

• Chelsea Handler is entertaining. Chelsea Handler is funny. Chelsea Handler is also kind of a drunkard and seems pretty angry. The show last night was a decent one if you like the "f" word and making fun of minorities. I loved her poop references and appreciated all of her references to masturbating on the playground when she was eight. But, truthfully, she seemed tired. Almost like she didn’t want to be there. She did not wear this last night ->, nor did she looked this good. She dropped about 39 f-bombs in one minute, including constantly asking, “Can I get a f*cking drink???” I will say, the guy who opened for her, Josh Wolfe was hilarious (go see him if he comes to your town):

• I find it curious and fascinating that some of the most generous people are those that have the least to give. Take for example last night. Some dude who had driven down from Gillette, WY sat by me at the Chelsea Handler show. He was probably in his 20s and a little rough around the edges. I think he worked at a coal mine in WY. At one point he got up to get a drink (you had to walk out of the large theater to do this). He asked if we wanted anything (something most people wouldn’t bother do ask a stranger). I gave him $6.50 for a glass of wine (total freaking rip off). He was gone a LONG time because the drink lines were crazy. When he finally got back he had brought me two glasses of wine and a beer for Ken. Just because it took him so long. Later, he got up again for drinks. Didn’t ask if we wanted anything, but came back with another glass of wine for me and another beer for Ken. In total, he spent $26 on us – just because. I have sat beside hundreds of thousands of people in my life at shows, movies, on airplanes, etc. No one has shown this generosity, least of all some of those wealthy types with the sticks up their asses. I take that back. Last year in Vegas some dude kept giving me $100 chips at the blackjack table if I would stay and gamble with him, but he probably thought I was a prostitute. I actually won a lot of money and he wouldn’t take any of it.

• This made me think a lot about the spirit of giving and generosity. We hold on so tight to what we have sometimes because we are afraid. Afraid there won’t be enough for us. What would happen if we were less fearful and more big hearted?

Woah – me getting all serious on you guys today. Well, life can’t be one big hilarious fart all the time.

How was your weekend and what did you notice?

Drinking: H2O

Best Gifts Ever and Then Some

Running tip (sort of): Don't wash your iPod in the washing machine after you forgot to take it out of your pocket, but if you do, immerse it in a bowl of dry rice. The rice will soak up the water and your device might just work again. Mine did!

I am spoiled. I'll admit it. Not the kind of spoiled where you ask daddy for a pony and he runs out and gets it for you and if he doesn't you make everyone's life miserable around you, but the kind of spoiled where you have the most amazing people in your life who show you they care about you all the time, in the coolest of ways. Maybe I should say I'm blessed instead of spoiled,but I don't use the word blessed like ever. I feel like that's saying that Jesus is involved and maybe he is, but he might have been dealing with other things like Haiti and Iraq and hospitals and car accidents instead of me.

Let me start this post off by saying you guys are amazing. 108 birthday wishes and 108 weird and unique facts about yourselves.

Everything from Jenn w/2 n's who said she has coulophobia, a fear of clowns, to Fit in the city who was held up at gunpoint at a bank and locked in the vault, to Runnernic who has a birthmark on her butt in the shape of the number 12. I could not have asked for more interesting and bizarre readers if I tried. The dog (see to the right ->) was even impressed. It's takes a lot to impress him since he has three legs and a chronically erect penis.

Okay, the gifts. Reading this, you just might get some gift ideas for that special person in your life who is female, turning 43, a pants crapper and a runner.

First, there were the books:

Don't know a thing about this, but want to give it a whirl? Anyone read it?

And this one from Joie, which I have read before, but LOVED about ultra marathoner, Pam Reed.

Then there was the jewelry:

This awesome one from J. Jill from my dear friend, Jenn:


And this agate bracelet that is supposed to attract miracles from best buddy and fellow blogger, Clair:

Next, Ken ordered these Chia sports drink mixes from some Native American, Wingfoot, in California (btw, if I were a Native American I would be called Wind Breaker or Turd Maker). Apparently, if I drink this I will be able to run barefoot over many mountains tomorrow. Flavors are orange, lemon and lime. I wonder what this will do to my colon?:

Of course you have to have entertainment, so Ken get us tickets to see Chelsea Handler in Denver. I just hope she brings her midget friend, Chuy, along. I've always had a secret crush on Chuy. I am wondering if everything including is penis is just shorter. I don't know how that works (don't even think about reserving seat 5 in row 1).

Anyone who knows me, knows I love my Dots. I eat them in bed at night. I know what you're thinking: she complains about turd issues when she eats Dots at night in bed? She deserves what she gets. Well, the Easter edition of Dots are out, so all is well with my world.These came from my kids, who longingly watch me eat them. I don't share. Mostly because the kids both have braces and Dots are on the shit list. The ortho would have my ass if I fed these to my kids.

Then there was the Fit Foam Roller from Carolyn. I know this will come in handy for my many post running aches and pains. I am 43, remember?

And, anyone who knows me knows I'm a coffee FREAK, so I got this ceramic/silicone to-go cup. Seriously, one of my most favorite gifts.

Then, the token Road ID (in purple) because I want people to know who to call when I am in the ditch. It even says, "Shut up and run." Notice I am not posting a photo because I do not want any modelling companies or talent searches to be contacting me.

Lastly, but not leastly, Ken who is the most thoughtful and creative dude, had this tech shirt made for me:

See what I mean about being spoiled??? To me, there is nothing better than receiving a gift that speaks to who you are as a person. This means the giver had to take time out to think about you, your likes, your passions, how you spend your time. This = love in my book. What's the best gift you've gotten this year?

Drinking: Kirkland coffee roasted by Starbucks