Spread Eagle Tuesday

I had this great little fart post ready to go last night, but decided to take it down. Wasn’t sure if enough people are like me and want to indulge in lengthy reading about gas. I will say that I learned a ton from the article, What Makes a Fart? Like the fact that a mom hands down the fart smell to her kids through her bacteria during delivery. To my kids I say: You are welcome!

Go read it. You will seriously die laughing and will actually learn quite a bit (Why does coffee cause farting? Do people really have body parts reconstructed to change the noises their farts make?). It is rather graphic, however. I always wonder what motivates people to go into the field of proctology. Guess I will have to ask Dr. Jelly Fingers himself.

Lately I have gotten into the habit of spending quite a bit of time at the gym on Tuesdays. Tuesday is yoga day with Andrea at 9:15. I’ve been going early and getting in a challenging treadmill run (3-4% incline for a few miles will kick your ass unless you are much tougher than I am). I then do some strength work. As much as I want my adductors (inner thighs) to get stronger (generally this area is weak on runners, but helps stabilize your body and helps with alignment when you run – thanks, Matt), the adductor weight machine freaks me out.

This is not me

The fact is, I am not a prude, but this spread eagle thing is a bit much. I now realize why they put this particular machine in the back of the gym, facing a wall. It would be really creepy if they put the water fountain right in front of the machine and all the pervs could come over and “get water” while stealing a look at your “repetitions.” Honestly, weight machines in general freak me out a bit. Mostly because I’ve never really use them. If I do weight training, I usually use my body as the resistance (lunges, etc). Yet, the weight machine has its time and place. Just not with a lot of people watching.

Another thing I noticed on gym-Tuesdays is that there are millions of people who go to the gym to just wander around. It’s weird. My biggest pet peeve, though, is when people talk on the phone while working out. One day I had a woman get on the elliptical right beside me (even though there were others available) and scream into her phone the whole time. I wanted to pinch her head off. I egged her car instead.

Speaking of gyms, I have some Biggest Loser impressions from last night (spoiler alert):

• The food eating challenge was gross. You know that food had to have been cold and congealed. Plus, the thought of eating an entire bowl of cranberry sauce makes me gag. I honestly think I would have won that challenge because I would have gone for the cornbread first given the fact it might have been one of the lower calorie items.
• Dolvett sweats a lot during the weigh-ins. I would like to see him on the adductor machine. Naked.
• Even though Ramon returned to his beloved, Jess, for a skydive jump I could just tell by her body language she’s not into him. I might be wrong, this is just a hunch. Not like Jess and I text and go to Subway all the time together or anything.
• Ramon looks much better with short hair. But, about that argyle vest…
• John had it out for Sunny. I get why he gave her the pound disadvantage, but not sure why he also crushed her at the vote.
• Dolvett looks good in red. Dolvett looks good in flannel. Dolvett looks good in _________. The answer is: anything!
• You can tell Anna has checked out. You don’t hear much from her anymore. Except, “You can do eeeet!”
• Bob almost cried when talking about his sister. This was quite touching and heartfelt.
• I cannot wait for makeover week! But, what I really cannot wait for is the MARATHON!! I wish more of you lived closer, we could have a party on marathon night and place bets on who would win. Heck, I think I’ll do that anyway. I love to gamble.

Do you use the weight machines at the gym? No. Only sporadically.

What are your pet peeves at the gym? Mine is people who use their phones. And, yes, that is allowed at my gym. I also hate it when people use the adductor machine naked.

Who do you think will win the marathon on TBL? Right now my money is on John.

SUAR

Don’t forget the SUAR sale. Go HERE. End Monday. Lots of cool stuff including long sleeve techs.

The Day I Hated Running

It doesn't happen often, but sometimes I hate running (did I just hear the whole blog world gasp?). I find myself thinking unheard of thoughts like, "I hate this shit. Why do I do this? Who needs to train for a marathon anyway? Maybe I could take up pottery." Such was the case yesterday.

Here's the thing. When all the stars are aligned - the weather is a comfy 60 degrees, the sun is shining, your Garmin is fully charged, you have new songs on your iPod, your colon is clear of all poop and you got a good night's sleep, there is nothing on the face of the earth better than a long run. When the stars are all mixed up and jumbled, sometimes running is just not that fun. But, like anything, there are good and bad days. You can't make the bad days a time when you make your decisions about whether you like or dislike something. Basically you have to take an amnesia pill after a bad day so that it doesn't continue to discourage you.

I knew yesterday's run would be a longish run day - 12 miles, said my calendar. Bullshit, said I. I woke up to 20 degree temps and 3" of new snow (upon layers and layers of old snow). Reluctantly, I put on all the gear. I knew it would be a Yaktrax day, so I put on those as well.

Struggling to look excited:

Really struggling:

Being the pussy I am, I didn't want to run 12 miles outside. Being the pussy I am, I didn't want to run 12 miles on the treadmill. So, I came up with this genius idea to do a combination of both. Run three miles to the gym, run six on the treadmill at the gym and run three miles home. No matter how you slice it, it is still 12 miles, which pissed me off.

I headed out into the temps that made my eyes water. Immediately my Garmin gave me that "low battery" message. Crap. I put the Garmin back in the house. I don't need no device to tell me my pace anyway.

I ran and I ran and I ran. Making the first tracks of the day in the snow. I ran alongside a busy road and got pummelled and splashed with dirty slush. I was not having fun. I got to the gym and realized I was only 1/4 of the way done with my miles. I stripped off some layers and got on the treadmill. 2 miles in - turd alert. I paused the treadmill to take a dump. Then, back on the treadmill. Another two miles and stomach cramps. Paused the mill yet again for dump #2. One more mile and more cramps, but no way was I stopping. I cannot take three dumps in the span of six miles. Just couldn't do it. If I messed my pants, so be it.

I found myself annoyed by the dude on the bike behind me. He was pedalling as fast as he could with his keys in his pocket. This means that each time his leg came around, those keys would clang clang. He must have been a janitor because there was so much clanging it had to have been a huge set of keys. Dude, that's why we have lockers. Seriously.

Finished the treadmill portion. Put the layers back on over my sweating and gross body. Ate a raspberry cream gel (this was the highlight of the run - that stuff is good).

Headed back out into the cold. Only this time, much of the snow was already melted so I had to pound the bare pavement in my Yaktrax. If you've never done this, I don't recommend it. It kind of feels like nails on a chalkboard or grinding your teeth together. But it was either that or carry the Yaktrax and I didn't want to to that either. More cramping on the way home.

Made it home. Decided to just let the yuck feeling go. I know I love running. I know brighter days are ahead. You can't let one off day throw you off. Winter has felt really long this year. But the days are getting longer and the temps are raising slightly. Better days to come. I just know it.

Do you ever have days like this?

Drinking: H2O

The Dog Did It (again)

Today it was -55 degrees here with blowing snow, hail and a minor hurricane.

I am just trying to one up everyone in the blog world who is talking weather and how freezing it is where they are. It seems it is effing freezing wherever you are. It is January after all. Except for those losers in Hawaii and Florida (I'm jealous, that's why I'm lashing out). Seriously, I just got out of my car and it was -9, so that's got to count for something.

This cold weather took me inside to the treadmill where I did my six miles. I was flabbergasted, blown away, and speechless when someone who works at the gym asked me how far I run every week because I "make it look so effortless." I have hardly ever in my life been complimented on my running. Consequently, I threw her down on the gym bathroom floor and kissed her (some tongue maybe) and asked her if she wanted my iPod and phone and children for keeps. Just because it was such a nice thing to say to someone like me who is a newer runner with a healing injury and pretty crappy form. Maybe she just was hitting on me. But I don't think so.

I also couldn't believe she complimented me because she was on the treadmill beside me and during my entire run I had the farts. The kind that slip out when your foot makes impact. The kind that might or might not make noise because your iPod is turned up so loud you can't hear your own toots. The kind that smell. The kind that linger. I know I pissed off some people. But I felt I couldn't help it. They slipped out periodically and totalled maybe only 15 for the whole six miles. That's not that bad, right? Next time I 'm going to bring my dog and let him lay by the treadmill the whole time so I have a legitimate scapegoat.

Oh, give me a break. Don't act all put out and offended. You know you fart too. If you didn't, you'd explode. Oprah even endorses it:

Unemployment Check: Oprah Endorses Farting Celebrities SPIKE.com

I did, indeed, get in my six miles. It felt good and apparently it was effortless. I am gearing up for training to start. I am feeling strong. I am cross training, doing yoga and running. I am signing up for a triathlon in June so I will be forced to cross train (swim, bike). There is nothing like paying a nominal race fee to get you motivated. Especially for us tight asses who can't stand to lose money. I swear, if I signed up for turd eating contest I would do it just because I paid the registration fee. But then I would never sign up for such a thing. Duh.

I'm a bit off today and needing humor, so bear with me. My dad has been in the hospital all week and not doing well, so I have had to find some relief where I can get it. I mean look at me. I have aged 20 years this week. Thanks for partaking in the rant.

The Dog Did It

Yay! I won, I won!! Thanks to JoyRuN I am now the proud owner of a Popener and some tasty popcorn. At least my abs are good for something:

Before I get too heavily into my own stuff, major congrats to you BQ'ers out there: skinnyrunner and aron. Awesome and incredible job this past weekend.


I've signed up for the Colorado Marathon on May 9, 2010. There is no turning back now. Coming back from the stress fracture, I am only up to running 25 minutes or about 3 miles at a time. I figure if I slowly up my weekly mileage without upping my speed or frequency, I should be okay. You know me, I'm all about that ten percent rule these days. I have 150 days train.

I think I'm going to make up my own training plan. I will run 40 miles per week and do it all in one day.

Gotcha.

Not sure which plan to use. Whichever one is going to be easiest on my body and allow for cross training. I'm sure you are all waiting with bated breath. Is it "bated" breath? Or "baited" breath? Or "baded" breath? It's like that saying, "for all intents and purposes." For my whole life until I turned 42 I thought it was, "for all intensive purposes." And I even have a master's degree. I am going to sue the University of Denver for negligence. I am still dumb after all of those credit hours.

What training plan did you use for a race and what were the pros and cons? The one and only marathon I ran I did with Team in Training (TIT for short), so they provided the plan. I'm a bit lost.

When I got up today, it was -15 degrees. I thought about running outside. For a second. Then decided that I would not look good running a marathon in May if I had no fingers. I went to the gym instead and hung with the weirdos. Myself included. No one talked on their cell phone near me. They know I will take out my AK-47 and shoot them dead if they do that.

Here is some Christmas cheer from my family to yours. NEVER forget how much I love farts.

I have to admit, everytime I watch it, I laugh out loud.

Drinking: Yogi Detox Tea

Gym Etiquette - Put the Phone Away, Sister

Maybe I'm petty and negative, but I don't think so. Tell me what you think about this scenario:

So, I'm at the gym this a.m. I do my 25 minutes (3 miles!!!) on the treadmill (stress fracture ain't got nothin' on me), then after some abs, head over to the elliptical for 30 minutes more of sweat and power. Not many people are at the gym today. It's snowy and 4 degrees. I tell you this to set the stage: there are 7 ellipticals lined up. No one is on any of them. I choose one.

Here's where I want to add my two cents. When I go to the gym, I go to work and work hard. I sweat, breathe hard, smell, sometimes fart due to exertion, and am in the zone. I don't go to "eff" around. I know there are those gym rats who meander around the gym, stopping for a drink of water, then chatting with a friend, then going and lifting a weight for three reps, then wiping off their brow, then doing some crunches, then going to pee (you get the picture). I am not one of those. I get my stuff done and get out. Shut up and run and all that.

Anyway, I'm well into my workout when a woman gets on the elliptical beside me. She has her choice of six other machines, but chooses the one beside me. No problem, I don't care about that. What I do care about is that she then pulls out her cell phone and proceeds to have a very loud and lengthy conversation. So loud that I have "Your Sex is On Fire" by the Kings of Leon blasting in my ear, and I can still hear her. Mind you, she's no spring chicken. Maybe 50?

My first inclination is to give people the benefit of the doubt, so it occurs to me that maybe there has been a family emergency or maybe her husband lost his wedding ring or maybe she is another Tiger Wood's mistress coming out of the wood work and needs to call TMZ. I do realize that if it was a true emergency she would probably not be at the gym, but whatever.

Again, I try to give difficult people the benefit of the doubt like when that old lady flipped me off the other day in her car, I just assumed she was wearing Depends and not happy about it and that the early bird special at the Country Buffet was sold out and that Wheel a Fortune was a repeat. But, back to my friend on the elliptical. The reality is that she is saying yelling to her friend, "And then she threw the chocolate chips all over the kitchen and I had to ask her to leave..." so clearly this was no emergency. Here is an observation:

If you can talk on the phone while working out you are not working out hard enough. I'm just sayin'.

Judgemental? Yes. True? Yes.

I gave her the stink eye a couple of times, but it made no difference. I sighed loudly, but she couldn't hear me over her own drama. I told on her to the front desk, but that dude couldn't have given a flying crap. He was all, "Yeah, well, sometimes people complain about this stuff, but it is what it is..."

What do you think? Rude or not rude?

Moving on to more uplifting subjects. You asked for it, so here it is. Me in my party dress. I may not look like the girl in the picture because I am old and without long legs.Ken and I had a great time, although I'm not sure if the wicked hang over was worth it. Champagne, wine and Baileys. Need I say more.

First of all,these are the shoes that killed my feet all night. But I love them. I hear they are very good for a stress fracture:

Shoes + dress + me:
My sweet and adoring husband minus his wedding band:

And after a few drinks:

The four poster bed in our hotel room. I ran into the post in the middle of the night.

Despite the hangover, I got these made yesterday:

Then I went to bed at 8:00p.m.

How 'bout you?