Thursday, January 7, 2010

The Dog Did It (again)

Today it was -55 degrees here with blowing snow, hail and a minor hurricane.

I am just trying to one up everyone in the blog world who is talking weather and how freezing it is where they are. It seems it is effing freezing wherever you are. It is January after all. Except for those losers in Hawaii and Florida (I'm jealous, that's why I'm lashing out). Seriously, I just got out of my car and it was -9, so that's got to count for something.

This cold weather took me inside to the treadmill where I did my six miles. I was flabbergasted, blown away, and speechless when someone who works at the gym asked me how far I run every week because I "make it look so effortless." I have hardly ever in my life been complimented on my running. Consequently, I threw her down on the gym bathroom floor and kissed her (some tongue maybe) and asked her if she wanted my iPod and phone and children for keeps. Just because it was such a nice thing to say to someone like me who is a newer runner with a healing injury and pretty crappy form. Maybe she just was hitting on me. But I don't think so.

I also couldn't believe she complimented me because she was on the treadmill beside me and during my entire run I had the farts. The kind that slip out when your foot makes impact. The kind that might or might not make noise because your iPod is turned up so loud you can't hear your own toots. The kind that smell. The kind that linger. I know I pissed off some people. But I felt I couldn't help it. They slipped out periodically and totalled maybe only 15 for the whole six miles. That's not that bad, right? Next time I 'm going to bring my dog and let him lay by the treadmill the whole time so I have a legitimate scapegoat.

Oh, give me a break. Don't act all put out and offended. You know you fart too. If you didn't, you'd explode. Oprah even endorses it:



I did, indeed, get in my six miles. It felt good and apparently it was effortless. I am gearing up for training to start. I am feeling strong. I am cross training, doing yoga and running. I am signing up for a triathlon in June so I will be forced to cross train (swim, bike). There is nothing like paying a nominal race fee to get you motivated. Especially for us tight asses who can't stand to lose money. I swear, if I signed up for turd eating contest I would do it just because I paid the registration fee. But then I would never sign up for such a thing. Duh.

I'm a bit off today and needing humor, so bear with me. My dad has been in the hospital all week and not doing well, so I have had to find some relief where I can get it. I mean look at me. I have aged 20 years this week. Thanks for partaking in the rant.

42 comments:

  1. Swear to god, that was hilarious about the farts. Great post!

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  2. Hang in there, I hope your dad is okay and gets better quickly! Bring on the humor girl, we count on it.

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  3. Sorry about your dad.

    GREAT fart post BTW. A farst perhaps?

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  4. OK, that cracked me up! Great post!!!! Sorry to hear about your dad. You're in my prayers.

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  5. You are hilarious! I hope that your father feels better soon :(

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  6. You are hilarious! I am sorry to hear about your father. I hope that he gets better soon!

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  7. Sorry about the farts. Sorry about your dad.

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  8. Sorry about your dad. Love the farts. Especially when you think you're safe and you peek to the non headphone wearing person next to you. LOL

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  9. Too funny - I always have a smile on my face when I read your blog.
    But I have to tell you . . . I don't fart. ;-) ha ha

    I hope you Dad is doing better.

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  10. I couldn't stop laughing as I read your post. Keep up the humor and the laughter -- it isn't called the best medicine for nothing. I hope the situation with your dad improves very soon.

    I completely agree with you on the race-fee-as-motivation point. I signed up for one short to middle length race every month this winter to keep my fitness so when I start my marathon training (on Sunday!!!) I'm ready to hit the ground, err... running. And I can't stand to waste my money, so if I signed up for the race, dammit I'm running it.

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  11. I wondered where you were...hope your dad begins to heal. Will pray for peace and rest for your entire family.

    Regarding farts...mine are going all the way out the door, but then NEVER come out while I'm running. FatherRunner, however, rarely farts in the house, but ALWAYS does when we run together. I give him the "how could you?" stare everytime. It's what keeps us happy.

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  12. Oh - here's one:
    When the person next to you says "You make it seem effortless..." tell them "Just give it more gas!"
    HA

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  13. I love your post...too funny! How can that lady never fart in front of her husband...ever??!!?!?!

    So sorry to hear about your dad...hope he is doing better soon.

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  14. I will concur to all those readers that it IS -55 degrees here today!! UGH!!! I'm sure you made the compliment chick's day with that french kiss; farts obviously don't bother her so no need for the dog! Very sorry about your dad.

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  15. I hate it when you have to fart on the dreadmill. There is just nowhere to let off the pressure most of the time. And when they are stinky, even better.

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  16. Sorry to hear about your dad.

    Good luck with the triathlon. I did my first one last summer and I think it's addictive. I can't wait to do more this summer.

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  17. I love your humor! Sorry it was brought out by your dad though. Hope he's doing better.

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  18. So sorry to hear about your Dad. Hope things are looking up.

    Thank you so much though for the fart posts! Makes me remember I am not alone. :) And I will for sure make sure my son reads this as when he ends up next to me....well lets just say he is not to happy.

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  19. Sorry to hear about your dad. I hope he recovers from whatever has him in the hospital.

    that's one way to keep the machines around you empty :)

    (p.s. everyone was so disapointed that they couldnt get a tighter va jay jay from riding a bike)

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  20. Your posts are too funny! I just found your blog and will def keep reading :)

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  21. Yet another reason to run outside and not on a treadmill. YOu dont run where your farts are lingering.

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  22. 2.5 farts/mile - remind me never to run with you.

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  23. Your post WAS funny, and you are dealing with everything really well. Yay for smart training!

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  24. I am so sick of the cold already.
    Hope your dad is doing better.

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  25. I hope your dad is ok! Keep us posted....

    I'm feeling strong too, can't wait for our marathon! Wish I could do that tri in June w/ you and your husband. Maybe the next one.

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  26. Sorry to hear about your dad - you're in my thoughts.
    And when I fart on the treadmill, I always look around a make a face like "who the hell did that? You foul people!" Then no one ever suspects me! You should try it, easier than brining the dog!

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  27. Talking about snowfall is like talking about sex: if you don't get at least four inches, you don't tell anyone; if you get more than 8, you tell everyone.

    Cold enough here that no guy's bragging about size.

    Best wishes for dad.

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  28. hopefully your dad feels better soon!

    thanks for the laugh about trying to 1 up everyone. it is january people... it does snow in january! hahaha :)

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  29. Dog doesn't have to be there - it's still his fault. :) Stay warm. Thinking of you and your dad.

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  30. Thinking of you and your dad - I hope all is well.

    BTW I *just told* my husband last night that if people held farts or sneezes in we would all explode. Glad I'm not the only one...

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  31. I just found your blog and I'm so glad I did! Your fart post was hilarious...I think more so because I've done the exact same thing before! Ha ha.
    Where are you in CO? I'm in denver and was thinking about doing the Longmont tri too! Good luck with all your training!

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  32. Don't worry. It won't be a problem when you go swimming.

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  33. I'm very sorry to hear about your father and I hope all goes well! If it makes you feel any better I'm currently in Orlando for Disney Marathon weekend and it was been about 40 highs and raining. Tomorrow mornings race weather is supposed to be about 30 and raining/sleeting/snowing. Good thing us I'm used to running in this or it would be terrible!

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  34. I farted earlier this week at the gym while doin jumpingjacks...it was loud..and obnoxious...and I was embarassed..but not enuff to stop my work out....hey, I had to finish my set...lol...sue me

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  35. Um it's been in the 20's here... record breaking cold for Florida... just saying...

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  36. I almost laughed so loud I farted.

    Winks & Smiles,
    Wifey

    P.S. Sending prayers and positive thoughts for your dad.

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  37. Too funny!

    Hope your dad is doing better.

    Keep the humor coming.

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  38. lol this made me laugh

    And it is cold here (in Fl)...well...its cold for Florida anyway. And only for a week or so, I hear I have mid-70s to look forward to next week. :) Jealous?

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  39. Aw, I'm sorry about your father. Prayerful thoughts sent his way!

    Gosh, that has happened to me ALOT of times...farting in gyms! It happens! Haha I just pretend I don't know why the heck they are glaring at me.

    Psst! you forgot LA! It's a sunny 75 degrees here!

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  40. What a great compliment! My running partner farts all the time when we are running, but me? Never. :)

    Hope your dad gets well soon.

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  41. Hope your dad is better soon!

    I hate it when I get the farts like that in the gym. At home I think it's funny!

    I bet you do make running look effortless :)

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  42. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Hope he's doing better.

    I fart it up sometimes, too =) I like to think my heavy footsteps mask the sounds hehe

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