Friday, April 6, 2012

The Work-Out That Wasn’t

If you are anything like me (you fart all the time), you have your workouts scheduled into your day like clockwork. You are busy and have things to do, places to be, so you have to get it in and get it in now! (that’s what she said – I’m sorry, I know that joke is old, but I can’t help myself).

Today I knew I had about an hour to fit in a bike ride before work. I wanted to work out some of the ass kinks from yesterday’s 14-miler. I was on a schedule – kids to school, changed into riding gear, pumped up tires, got water bottle full, grabbed Road ID and bam! out for a quick 20 miler. All ready to go:

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{Side note: Pearl Izumi sent me these warm weather cycling tights a couple of months ago. They are amazing if you are looking for a good pair. You do get a bit of camel toe, but that goes without saying when you wear tights. Keep in mind there is always Camelflage if you are self conscious}.

Well, there were a few things I forgot to factor in regarding my tight time schedule:

Taking a dump  - 3 minutes (I am super speedy in this department. I get in, do my stuff, get out. No fancy reading of the classifieds or Snooki’s pregnancy)

Taking my bike off the trainer and re-attaching my wheel – 15 minutes - Dammit! I totally forgot I had to do this. And, I’m not good at it. I always think I will make a mistake attaching the wheel and that I will meet my death on some huge downhill. You would think with all of my riding, I would be bike-literate and would know all there is to know about my bike. Instead I play ignorant and ask Ken to take care of those things for me. I put it into the category of fixing the leaky faucet, I am helpless.

Finding my cycling shoes – 25 minutes - I had no idea this would become an ordeal. I keep them in the basement by my trainer. The basement, however, is a teenage man-cave where Sam plays video games and watches Southland. I don't go down there often, except to use the trainer.

I ventured to the cave. It was scary and took some guts.
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However, my shoes were nowhere to be found. As the clocked ticked and my window to get in my bike ride narrowed, I frantically turned closets upside down. I looked under blankets, under couches. I did this for at least 25 minutes, until I gave up and decided the ride was just not going to happen. I would have to do it tomorrow, if I could find my damn shoes.

I was pissed off and irritated the way that a type-A person gets when things don’t go as planned. I cussed and threw something. I hate it when this type of crap happens. I showered and went to work, wondering where the hell my damn shoes were.

Fast forward to this afternoon, after school.

Me (to Sam): Hey by any chance have you seen my cycling shoes?
Sam: Uhhh…yeah…so sorry. I’ll get them.
Me: WHAT? Seriously? You know where they are? Where are they?
Sam: Well, I was playing a game with Emma and she kept hitting me with your shoes so I hid them.
Me: Oh my God you are like grounded for the rest of your life. Where did you hide them?
Sam: In a box.

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Yes, the shirt says “Trojans.” I hope I can be the mascot next year.

Who does that? A DVR box nonetheless. Who hits people with shoes? Who hides them? Who forgets to un-hide them? This deserved a spanking.

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For all you social work types (and I am one of them), I am not actually hitting my child,
nor am I leaving marks. Calm down. This was a pretend spanking situation.

That is the story about how I did not get my workout in today. Don’t get between a girl and her workout, it is dangerous and she can make your life miserable. Spit in your food. Fart on your pillow.

Moral of the story: Plan ahead. Or don’t have children.

But if you are this guy, who has been named “Ridiculously Photogenic Guy,” life is always good, you always look good and people love you. I want to be this guy. He is running a 10K in South Carolina and someone randomly saw his picture and, voila, VIRAL. The internet is a crazy, crazy thing. I would personally call him “Ridiculously Photo-Shopped Guy.”

King_of_Games/flickr

Lastly, the name of the three legged dog I encountered on my run was BUCKET. Most of you said BOOGER. That is not the answer, but I do think booger is a great name for a pooch. Along the line of the dog Snots in Christmas Vacation.

Do you usually have your workouts planned to the minute? I’m usually pressed for time, so YES.

What kind of asinine things do your kids do that piss you off? Mostly my kids are angels who do nothing wrong, so I can’ t speak to this. Except that time when Sam put a penny in the electrical outlet and a few other minor things.

Ever try Camelflage or would you? Nope haven’t tried. Could be convinced.

Ever have a really good race photo? Not really. At least not on the caliber of that dude.

Great weekend to you all!

SUAR

45 comments:

  1. Oh yes---I can relate all too well.
    Have a great weekend. Stay away from them eggs....

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  2. If you plan ahead, you won't have children... heyo!

    I'm usually a plan ahead person, but right now since I'm not training super seriously, I'm trying something different. I'm making a goal of how many workouts of each type I want to get in during the week and I just do what feels good that day. If it's sunny I'll run, if it's rainy I'll spin, etc etc.

    I would love to name a dog Booger. There were some feral cats living across the street from my parents' house in the bushes and I named them. One had a sinus issue and always had snot on his face. I named him JR Boogington, Esquire, aka Boogs.

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  3. Also, I think the girl in front of Ridiculously Photogenic Guy is pretty photogenic too. You know what I look like when I run? An armpit. A sweaty, crying armpit.

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  4. I was informed by my husband a few years back that it is called a "chamois-toe" and it is also socially acceptable to walk around with one. Unlike the red-headed stepchild the camel-toe :) *No need for camelflage. Wear it proud.*
    The RPG pisses me off. I look like death when I run, especially during a race! Never had a good race photo. Never.

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  5. Okay soooo funny...I peed!! Tried to fart but couldn't. I am a plan everything around your workout kinda girl. And if anything, especially a child, gets in it's way....I beat it!! DOWN!! However, I thought it was awfully cute that Sam just hid them from his sister instead of making her eat one of them. My kids would have done something along that line. I love my runs but really love my bike rides. And when I grow up I want a bike just like yours Beth!! It kinda scurrs me though...not gonna lie!!

    And photogenic or whatever.....that guy is pretty HOT!!

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  6. I have been told that guys actually dig cameltoe.

    I try to get the workouts in when I can. If I set a hard and fast schedule, I get upset when it doesn't work out…which is always with 4 high-maintenance kids and a husband and a wonky hip.

    I havee had a couple of good race photos…running and rowing. Nothing recent (last 14 years) though!

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    1. Ummm, no comment. I plead the 5th. You can't prove nothing. It all depends. Whoopsie, did I say that last out loud?

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    2. Hahahahha!! You plead the 5th about cameltoe! Priceless.

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  7. I do schedule my workouts, but will schedule them To The Minute (including shower and um poop time) if I have a really busy day.
    Race pictures, I am horrible. I smile, I wave, I still take horrible pictures! Oh well. Maybe my next race I'll just be grumpy and see if the pictures look any better :)

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  8. While my husband and I were wedding planning for our wedding, one Sunday we decided to take a break and go for a ride. We got all dressed in our cycling clothes and sat down on the couch. Needless to say, we woke up a few hours later IN OUR WORKOUT CLOTHES! Total fail...i think we just accepted defeat and started watching a movie and the workout never happened. :-)

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  9. I have a half tomorrow. I plan to slow down mile 12 to apply mascara :) although it probably won't help. And I am now dying for my husband to make any type of mistake so I can fart on his pillow. Is that wrong of me?

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  10. If my sister had tried hitting me with cycling shoes, you would never want to touch them again, let alone wear them. If they came out at all. I think Sam gets a 9 out of 10 out of the whole deal, losing a mark for not putting them back where they could be found easily.

    And, it's hard to tell with you guys all bent over, but is he taller than you now?

    Yeah, that guy is pretty photogenic, but then that chick in front of him looks pretty good too. In fact, I'll bet he has that cocky grin because he thinks he's just been busted for scoping out her butt. I'm not photogenic at the best of times, so my race photos are pretty sucky. However, I'm told some of the ones at IMC are pretty good as these things go.

    I've been in the planned to the minute workout world, and it's no fun. It might be necessary, but not fun. Making up workouts on the fly, depending on many things is much more fun. However, I do organize myself so that when it's time to go, everything is there, ready. Like, I've got a good spin session planned for tomorrow, so I just finished putting the trainer tire back on, hooking up the computer, and yes, putting my shoes beside the bike.

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    1. Yes he is taller than me, thanks for pointing that out. But I can still make him cry.

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    2. I think the girl in front looks like Holly Valance...

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  11. My workouts are usually spontaneous, based on how much time I have when hubbins or someone else is watching the kids. Lots of times, I just have to squeeze it in (TWSS--I've never used that before!).

    When my kids aren't being angelic, they're either the bickering Bickersons, or they're pretending I'm not saying "It's time to _______________." They seem to hear me when it's time to go to the park or get ice cream or something fun.

    Camelflage is ingeneous, but wouldn't it chafe? Horribly?

    Even though I always smile for every photog I see on the course, I just don't get keepers like that one. Maybe I'll just by photos of Photogenic Guy?

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  12. Sorry you didn't get your workout in. I would definitely ground Sam...but do it at the last minute. See how HE likes being thwarted from a favourite planned activity!! ;)

    No planned workouts other than the group runs, since I didn't plan them. A 3 yo will always wreck your plans.

    Evie is a charming darling who gets her way a lot of the time, so she rarely pisses me off. Except when there's hitting/biting/throwing at people, which really is rare. This is b/c I do not want this to become a habit, esp as she has better ways to express unhappiness or frustrations. Like telling us off.

    Dunno what that is. People can check out my cameltoe if they want, but I will still be running faster than their eyes can move so whatevs to them.

    I have one race photo so far from the St Patrick's Day Race...I look like a crazy lady.

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  13. Oh my god that was hilarious. I had to tell the story to my husband!

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  14. Hmmm, it looks like you keep your bike in your dining room too when it's not on the trainer...I've found it's a great storage space.

    No children, just dogs that run off with random shoes. You can put them in cages and no one complains. And I don't have to pay for college.

    Good race photo. Oxymoron.

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    1. Yes, the dining room is the perfect controlled climate for my bike!!

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  15. SUAR - you are hilarious! I do not follow many blogs but I try not to EVER miss yours.

    Yes, I plan all of my workouts. I always thought I was just borderline type A but after reading this post and realizing I have done and reacted the SAME WAY I am going to have to admit I am not just borderline... I am the real deal.

    I don't have kids.... thank goodness. I am convinced the world is a better place without me contaminating it with my offspring.

    I love my camel toe, quite proud actually.

    All of my race photos show me saying f*ck or faking a smile so bad it looks like I am in pain.

    You make me laugh - thank you!

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  16. I have 5 kids so my workouts are usually scheduled but sometimes they happen wherever I can squeeze it in. My kids have "borrowed" my running shoes and it is so frustrating but I've never spanked them. Side note: The photo might be more believable if he weren't laughing :) No to camelflage, and I take the most hideous (even when staged) photos ever. That guy just wasn't running hard enough!

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  17. My exercise is scheduled down to the minute as well. I usually have 90 minutes for lunch and I get super pissy if I can't leave work at 11:30 to get my 90 minutes in. Same with today--I was already mad because I couldn't do my swim cause the Y was closed for Good Friday (like they are all at church.... ha. not.) anyway, I had to replace my swim day with a run so I rushed home from work at 12:10 to run 5 miles, shower and head to the school to watch my son's Peter Rabbit play. 48 min run, 2 min to undress, 4 minutes for shower, 4 minutes to dress and somehow I made it there for 1:40. Phew.

    My photos always suck. Either they don't get a photo of me, or I'm cut off or blurry. Always. I'm the person who runs but can't prove it.

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    1. Like they all are at church.not. Fing hilarious! Excuses to not be open. Gave up on the y and joined a gym only to be greeted by kiddies getting Swim lessons. Joy.

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  18. I don;t have any kids, but I have a totally B.A. picture of me, I was on the front page of the Winter seriers Race II when it came out. Here it is:

    http://irun-4-mom.blogspot.com/2012/01/winter-series-race-2-el-pomar-youth.html

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  19. This is an amusing post and kind of the reason I am glad I don't have kids. This is how I sometimes know where my stuff is. Not all the time. That dude is seriously hot. who looks like that in the middle of a race? I hate him and love him all at once. Me? No good photos!

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  20. Damn, your basement looks perfect. You should see my pit of a kid-infested basement. They are huge slobs.

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  21. Haaaa! This made me laugh, thank you. Reminds me of my run date on Tuesday where I forgot my sports bra, my Garmin, and my SHOES. WHAT EXACTLY AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT SHOES?!

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  22. Ah, I was hoping the dog's name was Bucket - I just figured for you to like it, it musta been Booger! That Camelflage looks kinda strange, but i'm guessing it has the same affect as what i use to try to keep from that uncomfortable feeling - a pantyliner. Though sometimes that just means there's MORE there to get all uncomfortable. Ew.

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  23. Totally new he was a Bucket. He was too pail to be a booger. Haha. Get it? Pail? Homonym humor???

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    1. You are too smart for me. Homonym???

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  24. How did you miss this? I get in, do my stuff, get out. (TWSS) I don't care if it is old or people hate it, that is a funny ass joke and will always be a funny ass joke.

    It is all planned out and I flip out if I don't get it in the way I want (TWSS)

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  25. Nice T-shirt on your boy. I was a member of the Trojan marching band in high school....

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  26. I always plan my workouts and get completely stressed out if I can't do them. I don't have any kids to hide my stuff so it's usually work that gets in the way.
    I don't get camel toe. Ever since I found out what it was, I always do a check. If any pair of tights or other lower garment gives me "toe", I toss it.

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  27. I plan my workouts and am a crazy person and start to feel an anxiety attack coming on if I think it's not going to happen. I may be slightly OCD.

    I have two boys and they are lunatics (3 and 7). So we bought them all sorts of NERF "weapons" and let them beat the crap out of each other with foam swords and stuff. My 3 yr old likes to hide stuff, but not like "mom....i hid your phone, try to find it!", he hides stuff, doesn't tell us, and then probably forgets about it.

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  28. Sam's starting to get too big to put over your knee now? Thank goodness you can improvise and do it standing up.

    As far as race photos go - I have bad, awful and hideous. None of those photogenic ones.

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  29. Seriously? Vanessa takes race photos looking fresh, refreshed, and smiling. Me...I generally look like I've spent the day rolling around in a cement mixer.

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  30. Haha so funny! I can relate to not being able to find things...often it takes me longer to find everything and run than it does to actually do the run. I laughed when I read where your shoes were and why!

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  31. he he... your post made me giggle.

    I plan all my workouts to the minute as well and just always barely get out the door to work on time.

    Ridiculously photogenic guy reminded me of Zoolander, because he is ridiculously photogenic with his perfect hair. (I must confess I actually have some decent race photos myself-lol.)

    The other day I made my two boys sandwiches before I went to volunteer for a race, and when I got home I learned that one had eaten both of them!! Talk about annoying kids... but I still love them!

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  32. I call my 3 year old daughter Bucket. I have no idea why.

    If I couldn't find my cycling shoes, I would have probably gone in my running shoes so as not to miss it. My workouts are tightly scheduled and I really hate missing them. Makes me feel like I didn't earn dinner. :)

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  33. Curiously, I found my running shoes under my 11 year old son's bed while I was packing for the Canyonlands Half. When I asked him why they were there he said his sister did it. When I asked her she said he did it. Seriously, stealing my stinky running shoes??
    I don't know what is goofier, ridiculously photogenic guy's photo or ridiculously photogenic guy's name.

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  34. As long as the tights don't give me moose knuckle, I'm in. They look good on you!

    So glad your training is going well Beth!! Speedy pooper!

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  35. Who is that guy? Why is he so pretty when he's running? Jesus. He must be related to EMZ or something. I look like a hideous man-cow in my pictures.

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  36. Not just ANY 10k in South Carolina! The Cooper River Bridge Run in Charleston, which is one of the 10 biggest 10ks at 40,000 entrants and 36,000+ finishers. It's an awesome race and I hope to run it next year--hip stress fracture last year and hip stress reaction this year. Dammit. (I know you can relate)

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  37. Haha...camelflage. I thought it was going to be a link to something like Camel-tame from SNL. If you don't know what I'm talking about, google it.

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  38. Running clothes must be light and flowing, so that the runner does not feel impeded or weighed down by their clothing when they are on a run.I would definitely recommend


    http://www.apparelnbags.com/champion/index.htm

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