1. I speed. I do not follow the speed limit, but I have not had a ticket in over 20 years (just 950 warnings). My rule of thumb is that 10 miles over the speed limit is acceptable. And I follow this rule 97.5% of the time. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m saying it’s what I do.
2. I talk about running. A lot. Probably too much. This is fine if it’s with fellow runners because they have the same one track mind. My non runner friends might be sticking needles in their eyes.
3. No sugarcoating allowed. I think it is the responsibility of a friend to be honest. If you ask my opinion I will tell it to you straight (yes your nipple is showing). Or, if you are dear friend and are doing something harmful to yourself or your family I will tell you that too. I expect the same from my friends in return.
4. I don’t diet or obsess over food. I don’t talk calories and burning off fat and fitting into clothes. I eat well, drink wine, train hard, sleep when I can and do my best to be the healthiest 45 year old possible while still having some vices. It’s all about balance and personal choices.
5. There's on Open Fart Policy (OFP). Flatulence is done in the open and without embarrassment. What I mean is - I have NO desire to hold gas in. It makes me cranking and gives me cramps. I also don’t like to play the mystery game of “It stinks in here – who farted?” when you can just admit it right before, during or after it happens. This in no way means my friend has to be open about farting, but I will be and it’s easier if we do it together. Most people are relieved to be able to rip one out in the open. Even prudes.
6. I ask too many questions during movies. Unless it is a Lifetime movie that is so shallow and contrived a newborn infant can understand it, I am always lost during movies. I’ve gotten to the point where I cannot watch anything to do with the CIA or terrorist plots because it goes over my head.
7. Monty Python is off limits. I realize you all (or most people) think quoting Monty Python movies is a great past time, but I it annoys me for some unknown reason. Probably because once people start, they just don’t stop. For days. Or, maybe in a different life I had a flesh wound and no one took it seriously enough.
8. I don’t answer my home phone. I don’t even know why I have a home phone. I will 77% of the time answer my cell phone, however.
9. I am controlling and demanding. My good friends and I have a running joke about when we get together to make Christmas cookies. I am a total drill sergeant – no nonsense, all bossy pants and no fun. “Stop eating the batter and get your ass in gear rolling out that dough” and, “This is not the time to talk about your pregnancy/crumbling marriage/child’s potty training issues. We have cookies to make, so shut your mouth and start dropping teaspoons of chocolate crinkles onto that cookie sheet.”
10. Vomit terrifies me. I can’t hear or smell it or I’ll have an anxiety attack. I can’t even watch people throwing up in movies (Bridesmaids was a tragic experience for me). If you are my friend and have to puke, I cannot hold your hair or clean you up. I apologize in advance.
What’s one thing people should know about you?
PS: The awesome Anne Franklin designs is running a great sale this week on running necklaces. Regularly $15, they are now just $10!
Not too many issues or topics are off limits when it comes to my sense of humor. I find humor just about everywhere I go...and I will tell you about it.
ReplyDeleteI just happened upon your blog by chance and i dont remember how but im glad i did. We are two peas in a pod -except for #5&6 haha. I get such a kick out of you and your adventures.
ReplyDeleteSomething you should know about me..... i lile politics and i like to say fuck a lot. I promise not tp talk politics here as it will taint your perfect fucking page! :-)
Also i can spell correctly but im forced to surf via cell phone which likes to add its own words to mythe posts. See?? Grrrr
ReplyDeleteI can only be friends with people who have an OFP, so that's good news. I am also completely confused within 5 minutes of a CIA-type movie. I will never understand! And Monty Python is just not funny to me! I'm so glad I could get that off my chest.
ReplyDeleteI hate MP, too. But i do enjoy Fawlty Towers haha
DeleteI too, have a vomit phobia!!! Mine is related to my childhood. We would go on car trips and my sister would get carsick. Instead of telling someone, she would puke all over herself. I was sitting right there beside her, with no place to go. Now, if someone in my family is going to get sick, my heart starts pounding and I break out into a cold sweat. I feel like a horrible parent, wife, friend-but I seriously can't help it.
ReplyDeleteWe should be friends based on #5. alone. I am a prude. I have no problem talking to my running friends about how I always shart myself during afternoon runs and have to shower in my pants to clean them, but farting is a whole other story! I too rarely understand a movie with terrorist type plots. I snored all the way through Syriana.
ReplyDeleteI really wish we could be friends in real life. I think it would work out really well for me. ;)
ReplyDeleteI can't handle vomit either. It will be part of the reason we don't have kids!
ReplyDeleteI love your list and wish we were friends. Too funny...love your blog!
ReplyDeleteDamn...I have vomit phobias as well...I especially hate vomiting myself..I think it is the weirdest thing to do...EVER!!! I, like Jensational, love to say fuck!!! I have a serious trucker mouth and it's defintely something people should know about!! I also talk alot...but not when I run, and when I run, I prefer to run alone..AND if by some weird chance we are running together, you have to know I burp...ALOT! We will most definitely know when we have hit close to the 5km mark, cause that's when it starts!! And like you, with hating to hold your farts in, I hate having to hold by burps in...and it won't happen....just sayin'...
ReplyDeleteLmao, amber. I'm rigjt there with ya on the running alone and quietly thimg. Its MY time, get the fuck away from me and let me have my 5 miles. Thank God ive never sharted, though . I did almost have a horrible poo accident one night after running a night race and it hit me 2 hours later while attending the horse races. Lets just say an attendant saw me running for the bushes and was kind enough to let me back in (they had already closed) and use the potty. Not a moment too sopn either lmao
DeleteI love this list! And I can agree with many of them. You are seriously the type of person that I wish I had around, totally based on this list and #5!
ReplyDeleteI think we could be good friends. Don't worry, I'll clean up your vomit.
ReplyDeleteI'm Italian and Italians view posted speed limits as suggestions. Or minimums. Depends on the region.
ReplyDeleteI like to eat ice cream from the carton with a fork. And I almost always wear the same bra because it makes my boobs look awesome and I got it at Ross Dress for Less and it was the only one in existence :( I don't understand how people can NOT fart. So painful!
Yesterday my daughter came downstairs and said she wanted to cuddle. I said "Are you not feeling well?" as she climbed up on my lap. Right after I said that, she throw up on my lap. I screamed and then realized she was still puking and I didn't want to scare her and have her choke on her puke. I put the great idea together to catch the rest of the puke in her pajamas because I figured I could wash that but washing stains out of the rug is nearly impossible. End of story.
ReplyDeleteOK I think you may have just traumatized me with this story, but I had to keep reading.
DeleteYou seen that Lindsay Lohan Lifetime movie yet? So deep and complicated.
ReplyDeleteI don't ever answer my house phone either. Ever.
I have a really offbeat sense of humor. A lot of people don't get me. Except other medical people.
ReplyDeleteAnd BTW, I want people to tell me if I have a dark hair protruding from my chin. Please.
Favorite post ever!!! I'm with you on all but #5 - cant break that barrier. Puke is the worst!!! I'm not a walker but we could maybe be soul- sisters!!
ReplyDeleteI love your blog! I found you whenu googled "why do I poop when I jog", and it led me to your blog. No kidding. Since them I read you daily. I'm a new runner and plodding along about 2 miles at a time and then walking... But 8 weeks ago couldn't run at all.
ReplyDeleteI'm a nurse and I clean up lots and lots of poop, but I can't stand puke. One time my own two boys in bed with us as they were sick. In the middle of the night one woke up and puked in the bed. As I grabbed the toddler to move him away from the puking 6 year old, the toddler started puking too. I couldn't bear the thought of washing those sheets.
I rolled them up and threw them in the garbage!
3. I don't sugar coat either. It's a wonder I am still married.
ReplyDelete5. Yup. It's a wonder I'm still married. Belching too.
8. Perfect! It's worth the monthly fee to be able to have a phone number to give to people we don't want to talk to. The only time we pick up is if a voice we recognize is talking to the machine. Or if I'm in the mood to lie to a pollster, or torment a tele-marketer.
9. I am secretly this too, only I want to stay married. I have learned a great deal of patience watching people do things the wrong way, or worse, the inefficient way. It takes even more patience to not say I told you so.
10. The very first thing I heard walking into my very first spin session when I started triathlon training was a girl saying "what's a little vomit between friends?". I seriously wondered what I had got myself into. Later she became my coach for IMC, and I learned more about her peculiar sense of humour.
I have to share with you the vomit trauma that Ive endured for years: my bf uses his vocal chords when sick. He literary yells the vomit up and out his throat. It is mortifyingly loud. I've had neighbours in out apartment knock on our door asking, Is everything okay' with horrifiedly concerned expressions.
ReplyDeleteMy own phobia involves pee--I can not pee in front of others. If someone is in the wc when I am just getting comfy on my own seat, I'll wait till they leave before I can go. Im pretty sure you can't relate--I've read your blog for awhile. But thanks to your pee quiz I discovered I'm one of the lucky few with Paruresis. You're a font of amazing info!
@Kari, I vocal-cord vomit too! I have never referred to "that noise" as vocal-cord vomiting but it describes me perfectly: BBRRRRAAAAAPPPPPP! When I hurl, everybody knows it. Thankfully, thru 2 pregnancies I never puked.
DeleteYou're younger than me and you still have a landline?!
ReplyDeleteI have been meaning to ask you, since you had mentioned your vomit phobia before - how does that work with kids? I have a vomit phobia and I want to have kids but I am worried about dealing with them puking. I puked on my mom when I was a kid, I would totally freak out if my kid did that. When my husband gets sick I basically lock him in the bedroom with a bowl and sit downstairs with the tv on really loud. Any advice?
ReplyDeleteI have to say that when my kids were younger and got the throw ups more often and could not take care of themselves I had a lot of anxiety around the issue. Basically my husband and I have a deal that he is the one on duty 100% when this happens. The kids also know that I just cannot deal with vomit. I am the go to person for blood, snot, poop - but Ken deals with puke.
DeleteI just love running. Plain and simple. It saves my sanity. It makes me normal, or as close to normal as I'll ever be.
ReplyDeleteI am way too sensitive..I literally have to talk myself down some days. Not my best quality.
ReplyDeleteOne thing you should know about me?
ReplyDeleteI have a phone phobia and find it almost impossible to talk on the phone unless you are my mother, child or husband. If I am near death, I might be able to call a doctor, but generally I have to drop by their office to make an appt. Thank God for e-mail, texting and facebook!
OCD about running. Just about lose my freaking mind if I miss more than 2 days on the go. OFP is a fact of life around me. Get over it, or go outside. I will never say anything behind your back that I wouldn't say to your face, and yes, I'm painfully honest. You want to hear a lie about how your clothes,hair,makeup look ask your spouse. I know how to say no when someone asks me to do something I don't want to and have no guilt about it. Yep, I think we could getalong just fine!
ReplyDeleteI like you. A lot.
DeleteOCD about running. Just about lose my freaking mind if I miss more than 2 days on the go. OFP is a fact of life around me. Get over it, or go outside. I will never say anything behind your back that I wouldn't say to your face, and yes, I'm painfully honest. You want to hear a lie about how your clothes,hair,makeup look ask your spouse. I know how to say no when someone asks me to do something I don't want to and have no guilt about it. Yep, I think we could getalong just fine!
ReplyDeleteI can deal with puke, but freak out at hair that is not attached to anyone's head. So, I can hold your hair back while you puke, but if any of it falls off, I'm out of there.
ReplyDeleteI am a sports freak. I love work outs, yoga and meditation. I never miss my daily workouts.My friends say that i am crazy.
ReplyDeleteTribulus Terrestris
I hate having my feet touched. In fact, I even hate the sheets touching my feet but get too hot wearing socks to bed, so I have to apply foot lotion every night, not because I want soft, supple feet, but because I mentally feel like a thick coat of lotion makes the sheets feel less "snaggly" (the word I used at age 5 to describe my unpleasant feeet/sheet sensations, which still linger on at age 38).
ReplyDeleteI don't answer my landline either...Still not sure why I'm paying every month to have one! My kids got quite a kick out of fielding all the political calls, but now that the election is over and they are deprived of this thrill, I should really save some $$ and cancel.
When I say I'm a slow running, I'm not kidding.
ReplyDeleteTo my fart and poop soul sister - ME TOO.
ReplyDeleteI have an open fart policy too. I OWN my farts and always admit to the really great ones that I'm proud of. In turn this has made it very easy and comfortable for my friends and partners to feel quickly at ease. I've turned the people that are "non-public-farters" into "laugh'n'farters". Even the people who refused. And y'know what? we ALL laugh about it. My modo is "out not in"
and we share the same puke-phobia.
earlier this year I was in a bike crash and I was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital waiting for my head x-rays when this dude starts puking next to me. Guess what? I panicked and I PASSED OUT!
Luckily, we have strong stomaches in our family, so vomit has realty never been an issue. However, when my son was about four years old, he woke me in the middle of the night, saying he felt sick. I told him to run to the toilet, I jumped out of bed to help him, and fainted. Apparently, I too have an aversion to puke!
ReplyDeleteWe never answer our home phone, anyone of importance calls us on our cell phones. My hubs and I were just saying last night, that it's time to get rid of the land line. But, we have the easiest phone number! I could seriously sell it to some business out there!
As far as gas, it depends on where I am. There are some situations, that I just wouldn't dream of letting it rip. But, for the most part
Read your quote in Runner's World about your cousin. I started reading your blog in March as one of my first blogs once I started running. Your discussions about shitting and farting are awesome. Of course, it'd break #10 for you that most people I discuss said issues with start dry heaving. You should add an 11th, you openly talk about shitting like few women will. It cracks me up and I enjoy the laughs.
ReplyDeleteGreat list! I hate smokers and I always say and show how I feel about it. Don't invite me to your smoking friends or anywhere where smokers lurk. I will tell them and show them how I feel. You will probably not see your friends again.
ReplyDeleteI know someone in the CIA - we say "works for the government" and he was recently telling a story...and I can't recount it properly to save my life. {SIGH} Maybe he planned it that way...Hmmmm. Nope. I'm just an idiot. For the record, the story is now a major motion picture and he was allowed to tell the story (because the whole world can watch it). Maybe I should just watch the movie. See? This is how my brain works. Like I'll be able to follow it better after Hollywood gets ahold of it!
ReplyDeleteI laugh when I fart around other people. My whole family has an offbeat/inappropriate sense of humor, so I think it just became conditioned that farts are funny, so I now laugh every time I fart around someone. My husband has learned if I giggle for no reason, it's probably time to vacate the room. Thankfully, I'm not particularly gassy.
ReplyDeleteI also joke about anything remotely serious. It's how we cope. When my dad was dying of liver cancer, our family offended some people when he would crack jokes about passing or when we would. If you can't laugh in the face of death, what do you have left?
I'm glad I wasn't eating breakfast at my desk when I read this post. :)
ReplyDeleteDoes anyone NOT speed anymore?
I LOVE all of this! I have severe emetophobia as well. ugh.
ReplyDelete1. I burp loudly and proudly.
ReplyDelete2. I crack my knuckles ALOT at the disgust of my boyfriend.
3. I am scared of cockroaches. I'm not sure why since they aren't really dangerous. I will jump out of planes and mostly fearless, but if I see a cockroach, it's the one time I scream like an 8-year old girl.
4. I have a dark, twisted sense of humor. Nothing and I mean NOTHING is off limits to me.
5. Last but not least...I'm a movie snob. I have a opinions. I overanalyze. I will boycott a movie for something has little has Judy Dench should not be in the new Bond movies, because she hasn't aged or de-aged from the last Bond movies. If you want to talk movies with me, be prepared to TALK movies for long periods of time and I may actually let you talk...sometimes. So, just deal with it.
Oh, we could be friends! Please come visit me.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on every.single.point above!
Call me, I probably won't answer, but will call you back (eventually)- leave a message....
1. I crack my joints - all the time. I love the sound of it.
ReplyDeleteAs for puke, my son at the age of 2 told me his "belly was burping." I didn't know what that meant. He ran over to me, outside, in December, screaming, "Pick me up, Pick me up!" As I lifted him to me, he hurled all over himself and me.
I had to figure out what to do, quickly. Carried him up the driveway, stripped him of his clothes, handed him off to his dad for a bath, started to take off my jacket, realized it had invaded my pockets, which held my keys and phone. Took them out of the pockets. Took off the jacket, took off my shoes, which were filled down to my socks, then just started peeling off the layers until I was down to bra and undies. I couldn't figure out what to do with the vomit covered clothes, so I started hosing them off in the driveway before I brought them in the house. Just then, my neighbor came out to see what was going on. She just looked at me standing in my almost all together, told me she didn't need to know, and walked back in the house. I never gagged, snorted or got upset at the entire thing, but the next day, I couldn't take the intestinal issues that accompanyed my son's virus, so that's where dad had to take over. We know our shortcomings.
Amy P. Philly runner.
Love it! I think we would get along wunner-fully!
ReplyDeleteI Adore YOUR blog!! Thank YOU!!!
ReplyDeleteI am the same way with vomit. In fact, writing this post is making me feel all icky. I have to start thinking about happy thoughts now.
ReplyDelete*shudder*
I am one of the only people I know who confronts someone when they get out of line. I am also about to butcher a 200 lb. deer by myself. Rather than gross me out, this makes me feel like a powerful cave woman.
ReplyDeleteI love reading your blog!! I hope that you and your family have a nice Thanksgiving!!
ReplyDeleteI am stubborn. To a fault. Must get my way. In all things. Exactly the way I want them. In the order I demand. Mainly running: I WILL do that race, I WILL run those miles, I WILL cross that finish line no matter what state my body is in. Stubborn, OCD, controlling, whatever you want to call it... that's me.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty open when it comes to telling people how it is. I called my niece distracting when she was running around during a dance rehersal and now my in-laws hate me (no she wasn't a dancer). I don't believe in talking about someone behind their back unless I can say it to their face. I'm not mean just honest.
ReplyDelete