Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Don't Talk With Your Mouth Full

Is it just me or do you sometimes have days when you can't pull yourself out of your crap mood? When everyone you talk to asks you if you're okay because you "sound a bit down?" When every little thing aggravates you from the pears that aren't ripe yet to your dog who can't stop licking himself (and when he does he replaces that activity by pulling his ass across the carpet. Why do they do that? Is it to wipe, or is it because they have an itch? I can't believe that dogs really want to wipe that badly or that they are that smart. I mean, we're talking about animals who constantly eat their own poop. Would they want to wipe their mouths after doing that?)

For me it's one of those down days. I can't blame it on much except maybe PMS, but really it's probably just it being January and cold and dark and the fact that life feels mundane sometimes.

To make matters worse, I made an ass of myself today. Let me explain.

When I am not blogging or running or taking care of my kids or wiping the dog's butt, I am usually working. I am self employed. Sometimes I still have to reach out to someone in the real world (i.e., an office) to ask a question. Today was such a day. I try to avoid this question asking nonsense because then I have to use the word "phone tag," or pretend to be a professional when I am really hanging out in my PJs watching the dog drag his ass around on the carpet.

On this such day, I am at the computer eating my lunch when I decide to make the question call to a supervisor. I am listening to her voice mail (because of course you can NEVER expect anyone to answer at that building full of bureaucrats dressed in red tape) when I decide to take an enormous bite of my falafel, tomato and yogurt sandwich. Just then the voice mail beeps and it's time for me to talk. For a split second I thought I should spit out the bite of sandwich, but instead I start talking. I realize that I sound like I have a sock in my mouth, which I pretty much do (last night's falefal balls were a bit dry). I apologize for having a full mouth on the message while saying something lame like "I didn't know the beep would come so quickly." I keep talking, but am very self conscious about having the full mouth and wonder if I should take a moment to spit it out mid speak. I know that doing so will be obvious and I can't take that risk. So, I talk away, spitting pieces of pita bread on my keyboard and feeling like a loser. I end the message and stare at the phone wondering if I will get a call back. I haven't.

Sometimes when the mood is rotten and you can't pull yourself out, it's good to go for that run. I didn't do that. Here I sit. I am, however, hoping for an 8 miler tomorrow and a start to marathon training on Monday.

On the bright side, I did see this little guy sitting out back this morning. I named him "foxy" because it is clever. I wonder if he wipes his ass on the ground.


What have you done lately to embarrass yourself? Please tell me it's not just me.

Drinking: Not drinking anything. Waiting for Ken to get back with Chick-fil-A. Going to lose it if it's not soon. I need to go to bed so I can get up and start this day over.

23 comments:

  1. well if it helps in any way you are friggin hilarious

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  2. I had a dog that used to do the SAME THING and it was gross! The vet said our dog needed to have her anal glands expressed...yes, it is as gross as it sounds. She volunteered to teach me how do it, but since it involves putting your fingers up the dog's butt, I passed. We started having the groomer do it, which cut down on the but draggin a bit. But...she would always seem to do it when we have new people over...yuck!

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  3. Haha well your story made me smile if it helps :) I hope tomorrow's better for you!

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  4. That whole paragraph about the phonecall just about killed me! You are too funny!

    Have his ass checked. Just to save your carpets from smelling like dog butt ....

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  5. You are not alone! I've done this before and have had a few rotten days lately myself. Cheer up my hilarious blogger friend, your day will be better tomorrow! :) Enjoy that run- it will help! promise! :)

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  6. My kids and I made up a joke tonight:
    Yo mama so fat her bra size is Mickey D and her blood type is KFC!
    Hope that can bring a bit of a trace of a smile. Because when an 11 year old says that with complete earnest while pointing her finger at Simon Cowel on the TV screen, it's funny.
    ANd while I don't condone laughing at overweight people, I do condone laughing at people who choose to live on fast food :)

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  7. Weeeeelllll, I wore two different shoes to work the other day, which I proudly blogged for the world to witness. I'm certain I do something ridiculous daily, that's just me! I don't own a dog but if I did, I'm sure it would drag it's ass across the carpet because dogs don't like me. I'm in the blahest of moods so I can totally relate to your insane day. Suppose to be nice and sunshiney tomorrow in Denver land for your 8-miler. Yea!!!

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  8. Well, my dog does the butt drag and today I had a bag a pretzels stolen out of my hands and almost bit the culprit's head off(ok, so I was really hungry)you know how it is after running...and embarassed myself by being a greedy, glutonous pig and not sharing(in front of our superintendent, by the way). Sooo...it's been THAT kind of a day for me too! Can't wait to start tomorrow out on a better note!

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  9. "Dressed in red tape..." I will picture the people I talk to at work in red tape for the next couple of days for sure!

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  10. In my car - going to another sales call. I got a "healthy" sandwich and gulpped a few bites while stopped at stoplights. (I know - sexy!) At one particular light, with an attractive young lady stopped next to me, I was 75% done chewing a large bite of sandwich. Suddenly, I sneezed and blew that mouthfull all over my steering wheel and dashboard. AWESOME!!! The young lady was laughing so hard at me that she couldn't go when the light turned green. I've cleaned my interior twice since then, but my car still has just a hint of eau de Panera Turkey sandwich.

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  11. You are hilarious!!!!! Fist off... "dressed in red tape".... second... "wonder if he wipes his ass on the ground"... thanks for making me laugh!!!! I work in a school as a school nurse, I make an ass of myself on a daily basis to these kids!

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  12. I think about you a lot when I don't want to run out side. I think 'If Miss Shut Up and Run' can do it then I need to, if she were here she'd want me to run'. I haven't done an outside run in a while and my dog is starting to look depressed...maybe tomorrow will be the day..or if I'm lucky - today!

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  13. Sorry. When I was in Colorado, your dog picked up that bad habit from me.

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  14. Oh yes, I've had those days. And then at the end of the day, you are at the store, and the cashier asks you "how are you?" to just make conversation, and you go "well, not too good, that's one shitty day", and she doesn't want to know, and you don't really want to share, but you just can't stop.

    This one way I embarrassed myself on the phone still makes me laugh. It was when I started at my job. And I was really trying to impress my boss and do really well. Also, he has a pretty short fuse, is super impatient, so if you screw up, you'll get a public ass chewing. So, one time, when I was pretty new, I called him to update him on a project. I get the voicemail and, for some reason, I got so shocked by that beep and the idea that I could leave a shitty message that I went: "Hi [name]... It's Ulyana. I'm calling to talk about... update you... um [long pause].... I think I have lost my train...[very very very long pause]" and then I hung up. Just that "Hey, boss, um, I've lost my train" (not a train of thought, just my train) and a lot of akward silence - just me breathing. I was very relieved when my boss just laughed at me. I mean I sounded like a complete moron, haha.

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  15. I would have been drinking something STIFF after a day like that! I hope today is better.

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  16. Okay, that was so funny! I almost spit out my lunch on my keyboard from laughing!

    Our dogs do it too. Even on gravel. Ouch.

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  17. Heres my story....when I was going to college I worked as a food server. On our menu we had a platter with different appetizers. I was serving a table of six business men. They ordered a few of these platters. I delivered the platters, set them down, and said, "Here you are gentlemen, your appitizer platters. Here are your three sauces...this is ranch, here is the cocktail sauce and this one is cucumber dick! Oh my God, I mean cucumber dip!" They all looked at me and then looked at each other....and then they started to laugh! I have never-ever been so embarrassed in my life! One of the men told me that it was a Freudian slip...great! (By the way, they were great tippers!) So don't feel bad, it happens to all of us.

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  18. I hate those days! I do something awkward and embarassing almost every day. For example, this morning, I fell up the stairs of the courthouse. In front of one of the judges, her law clerk, and a court reporter. Not down, up. I'm real graceful like that.

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  19. Thanks for the laugh as always - everyday my life is embarassing, I am not graceful whatsoever!
    A note about the dog - I bet he needs his anal glads expressed. I know this sounds awful and gross (it is) but my corgi-terrier mutt has the same prob. We know she has to go in when she starts licking a ton. It smells AWFUL also. It takes about five mins to do in the vets office, and they offered to teach me, too. But it's worth the $20 buck twice or three times a month instead of that crappy job. Call your vet, they will probably say the same thing. Not to get too graphic, wait, who am I talking to! But it has "leaked" a few times...so save your carpet and sanity and take him for the "squeeze," you'll be happier and so will he. BTW, it will be an ongoing thing, it sucks but we love them. :)

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  20. Ahhhh...the ol' itchy butt boogie. Our cat does that sometimes...frighteningly, in perfect concentric circles. It's like those weird circles that happen in the midwest that farmers blame on the aliens...the crop circles...although I guess these are really crap circles. Today has to be better, no?

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  21. Oh gosh. I like to mute my phone on conference calls to eat snacks. And sometimes they ask me a question and I have to pause to finish chewing and they're all "kim? Kim...?" Ha ha.

    I have had months where I have been in shit moods and everyone notices :( Hope you escape yours!

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