Monday, September 20, 2010

No Ex-Lax Needed

Harold so eloquently summed up my last blog post with this picture:

ethug

I’m quite ready to move on from the anonymous Shut Up and Run hater. But first – a big thank you for letting me know you enjoy my incessant yapping and trifles. Funny how you can have positive comments and feedback out the ass, but you get one negative vibe and it pulls the rug out. For just a second.

Rug is back in place and I’m moving on.

Today was a rest day. Which means I’m restless. I saw the chiropractor. Still no resolution to my numb hand. Google diagnosing says for sure MS or a tumor. I’ve had a lot to time today while not running to think of the possibilities leading to my demise. But, on to happier subjects.

We eat bars around here. You know – those “energy” or “protein” or “health” bars that are really candy bars in disguise. Don’t ever ask me to eat a Hershey bar, but slap me with a Power Bar that has 300 calories, 20 grams of fat and 95 grams of sugar and I’m all over it. Ken, in particular loves the bars because he stopped eating dessert almost three years ago. I know. You heard me right. Dude has not had so much as a bite of birthday cake or pumpkin pie since February 2008. One of these days I’m going to hide a cupcake in his spinach. He says the lack of dessert makes him feel better. More energy. Vanilla yogurt and protein bars have become his occasional replacement for chocolate chip cookies.

So…I bought the giant pack of bars at my favorite store, Costco, the other day. Don’t get all high and mighty on me. I know this is not a healthful snack.

pureprotein

These things taste PDG (pretty darn good). Ken and I were reading over the label to better understand the amount of crap contained in one bar. Ken held the box. I asked questions.

Me: How much sugar is in a bar?

Ken: 2 grams

Me: How can that be? Where does all the sweetness come from? Don’t even tell me some crap artificial sweetener.

Ken: It says it comes from “sugar alcohols.”

Me: Perfect. I love alcohol. But what are sugar alcohols? (I grab the box and begin frantically searching for the term sugar alcohols. It has a fancy asterisk* beside it. My eyes scan the box for the corresponding asterisk. Aha. There it is. Bottom of the box).

Me: Holy shit! (Starting to feel the urge to use the bathroom)

Warning: This product contains sugar alcohols, which may cause gastrointestinal discomfort. Excessive consumption may have a a laxative effect.

You’re kidding, right? I spend my entire life trying not to crap myself or soil someone’s white sofa. And yet, inadvertently, I’m eating products that may promote a surprise crap. Nice.

Don’t forget my headband giveaway. Ends Thursday.

*Until this very day, at the ripe age of 43 years and 208 days, I always thought the word was astericks. Only when that did not exist in the spell check did I discover it was asterisks. Warning: using the term astericks might cause bloating and diarrhea.

41 comments:

  1. :) one negative comment can ruin the whole bunch! :)

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  2. hahahahah. "i love alcohol. what are sugar alcohols?" LOVE IT.

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  3. I've even heard that they use sorbitol as a laxative in hospitals!

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  4. I know what you will be giving away in your next contest! Lord knows you don't need any more help sh*tting!

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  5. Vitamin b 6 and 12 deficiencies can cause numbness and tingling...also known as parasthesias...check it out!

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  6. I ear bars too, but I also eat dessert. Come to think of it that might be my problem...
    I love the Power Bar Pria bars. 110 calories + protein and it tastes like a whatchamacalit bar? Yes, please.

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  7. I know you don't love a LOL, but I actually did when I read your asterisk at the end!!

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  8. First, put me in the "blog lover" category please! Keep on keeping on girl!

    Second, I discovered the tremendous potency of sugar alcohol a few years ago when i tried the Atkins diet and had some of the sugar-free Russel Stovers chocolates and other types of candy - WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thought I would never be able to leave the house!

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  9. Yes, sugar alcohol can soil quite a few white couches! Love your blog!

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  10. Tell that wannabe thug to kiss you ass. Cyber-bullying is so easy. Don't stress thr idiots.

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  11. Dang I just learned something from your blog today! Your asterisks at the end was news to me as well!

    Take that annoymous commenter!

    We're a big bar family too . . . well at least the hubby is as I can't seem to find too many that are gluten free and don't cost an arm and a leg.

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  12. I love the part about "google diagnosing" - so true!!

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  13. Funny, I thought it was asterix. Oops. Kinda like how I thought Reggie from the Archie comics was prounced with a hard g.

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  14. Ha, wasn't Aste-Rick one of the Jetsons? Yeah, I love those candy bars.......

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  15. hahahahaha. glad you found out - but that was HILARIOUS!

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  16. I like their guarantee - eat good, look great! Self-diagnosis is fun yet dangerous.

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  17. Are we married to the same guy? Mine gave up dessert about that same time...and he's conveniently 'traveling' this week...so would ya mind sending him home?

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  18. WORD to the E-Thug!

    Okay, good to know about those bars! But don't stop eating them, or what are you going to talk about around here??

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  19. haha, made me think of a quote from Dean K's blog yesterday:

    "...never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night"

    If you ever need proof that you and Dean are friends, I'm pretty sure that quote holds as much merit as the pics from the Trans Rockies!!!

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  20. Hey now...I didn't authorize you to use my picture on your blog!

    Yeah, the wonderful sugar alcohols. I avoid that crap like the plague. Sugar free anything or anything sweeter than it should be for the given number of calories is a sure indicator to stay away. Hey, for your readers' enjoyment you should try some of those Fiber One chewy granola bars. Those are wicked good. Make sure you eat two or three at once though.

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  21. "I don't eat dessert. Hand me a PowerBar!" sounds alot like the "I quit drinking. Hand me a beer!" I saw last night on 2.5 Men. I think it is awesome, laxative effect be damned!

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  22. @RunnuRMark-I believe if I ate 2 or 3 fiber one bars at one time, my emissions would send me to the moon! Just one causes discomfort! Chicory root is not my friend!

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  23. Those bars look so good (I love candy bars)!

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  24. At a race I once won two gallons of Nature's Choice ice cream; took me a long time to equate the diarrhea with the sorbitol (a sugar alcohol)used in the ice cream.

    Almost all of the products used in ultramarathons contain either xylitol or sorbitol and I can't use them. Nice. Try running 100 miles on what you carry with you...

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  25. I am thrilled to have JUST discovered your blog and all its incessant yapping and trifles! Keep it coming!

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  26. Lots of sugar free stuff has that sugar alcohol in it. Like sugar free gum. Chew enough of that stuff and you'll be poopin' up a storm!

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  27. That had me laughing, Thanks!

    Careful with the products containing sugar alcohol sweeteners around dogs.

    http://www.snopes.com/critters/crusader/xylitol.asp

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  28. i was thinking that as i was reading the post that these things can cause the craps!!! i'm glad you read the fine print. sugar free candy does the same thing.

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  29. Haven't tried the PowerBars yet but yesterday after drinking a glass of raw carrot juice in the morning, about mile 3 it had kicked in. I should have known better right. I run in the City and it was quite hard to find a place to go at 5:00 in the morning when everything was still dark.

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  30. I love your incessant yaps and trifles. Please continue. :)

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  31. Love your blog! Forget that jerk hater!
    And I need to try those protein bars.

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  32. Too funny! And I'm sure he's a nice guy and all, but I don't like Ken very much for his ability to forego sugar like that.

    Love the thug.

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  33. A friend of mine reads your blog and loves it. You are so right about the ONE negative comment. I can relate!!

    I can also relate about the protein bar thing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Pure Protein chocolate chips bars. Wouldn't catch me eating a snicker bar but give me one of those and I'm in heaven. I look forward to it....how weird am I?? Hmmm....the sugar alcohol affects would explain a lot though.

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  34. OMGosh.

    I learned this one the hard way too.

    ummm, so did the Pita [from me].

    nice.

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  35. Hahaha! A picture is worth a thousand words =) nice!

    Hi! I just chanced upon your blog. Will link yours to mine. I enjoy reading your posts. =)

    - www.hotlegsrunner.blogspot.com

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  36. Are you kidding me? Sugar alcohol? Ugh! I don't eat bars very often, but I am def going to read the fine print more carefully! I'm like you - I can shit myself at any time, usually for no rhyme or reason!
    P.S. I can NEVER sleep on rest days! It's the worst day of the week for me.

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  37. e-THUG....classic!!!! sugar alcohol is like a red bull and vodka...yeeeeah baby!

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  38. This is sort of like that olean stuff that causes anal leakage. But, it is fewer calories.....sooooo.....you know, basically worth it.

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