No Ex-Lax Needed

Harold so eloquently summed up my last blog post with this picture:

I’m quite ready to move on from the anonymous Shut Up and Run hater. But first – a big thank you for letting me know you enjoy my incessant yapping and trifles. Funny how you can have positive comments and feedback out the ass, but you get one negative vibe and it pulls the rug out. For just a second.

Rug is back in place and I’m moving on.

Today was a rest day. Which means I’m restless. I saw the chiropractor. Still no resolution to my numb hand. Google diagnosing says for sure MS or a tumor. I’ve had a lot to time today while not running to think of the possibilities leading to my demise. But, on to happier subjects.

We eat bars around here. You know – those “energy” or “protein” or “health” bars that are really candy bars in disguise. Don’t ever ask me to eat a Hershey bar, but slap me with a Power Bar that has 300 calories, 20 grams of fat and 95 grams of sugar and I’m all over it. Ken, in particular loves the bars because he stopped eating dessert almost three years ago. I know. You heard me right. Dude has not had so much as a bite of birthday cake or pumpkin pie since February 2008. One of these days I’m going to hide a cupcake in his spinach. He says the lack of dessert makes him feel better. More energy. Vanilla yogurt and protein bars have become his occasional replacement for chocolate chip cookies.

So…I bought the giant pack of bars at my favorite store, Costco, the other day. Don’t get all high and mighty on me. I know this is not a healthful snack.

These things taste PDG (pretty darn good). Ken and I were reading over the label to better understand the amount of crap contained in one bar. Ken held the box. I asked questions.

Me: How much sugar is in a bar?

Ken: 2 grams

Me: How can that be? Where does all the sweetness come from? Don’t even tell me some crap artificial sweetener.

Ken: It says it comes from “sugar alcohols.”

Me: Perfect. I love alcohol. But what are sugar alcohols? (I grab the box and begin frantically searching for the term sugar alcohols. It has a fancy asterisk* beside it. My eyes scan the box for the corresponding asterisk. Aha. There it is. Bottom of the box).

Me: Holy shit! (Starting to feel the urge to use the bathroom)

Warning: This product contains sugar alcohols, which may cause gastrointestinal discomfort. Excessive consumption may have a a laxative effect.

You’re kidding, right? I spend my entire life trying not to crap myself or soil someone’s white sofa. And yet, inadvertently, I’m eating products that may promote a surprise crap. Nice.

Don’t forget my headband giveaway. Ends Thursday.

*Until this very day, at the ripe age of 43 years and 208 days, I always thought the word was astericks. Only when that did not exist in the spell check did I discover it was asterisks. Warning: using the term astericks might cause bloating and diarrhea.