Tuesday, September 21, 2010

(Wo)Man Vs. Dog

Do you ever watch something happen, knowing you should do something about it, but you’re either too lazy or apathetic? I’m not talking about watching a baby get kicked or an old lady get robbed, but something less dramatic. Like yesterday, I full on watched my cocker spaniel eating and swallowing a couple of used Kleenexes (he likes to pull the snot ridden tissues out of the trash – if you ever want to know the difference between humans and dogs just watch a dog eat another dog’s shit or suck on used Kleenexes). So, here’s Lucky, munching away on the Kleenex, and I have the passing thought of, “Oh, I should take those away from him.” But really, the sky wasn’t falling and what was the worst that could happen? Plus, I was eating the remaining half of my bloated Chipotle burrito and watching Oprah making someone’s wildest dream come true. I couldn’t be bothered.

Fast forward to an hour later. My daughter runs in panicked and yelling, “I think Lucky’s going to throw up!” Then, “Ewww..he’s throwing up!!!” Then, “Oh my god, he’s eating it!” (Again dog vs. human. That should be a show, kind of like Man vs. Food).

Definitely one of those mom moments where I realize I should have intervened and this whole mess could have been avoided.  Lesson learned.

And today…my stomach hurts. No, not from eating sugar alcohols. That’s so yesterday. The source is one of three things:

  1. Cleaning up Lucky’s puke.

  2. Running Yassos: Like a good and obedient runner, I visited my favorite middle school track as I do every Tuesday to do my speed work. On tap – 7 x 800 Yassos. I’m building up to 10 x 800. After assuring the gym teacher I was not packing heat, only a Garmin and a water bottle, I got started.

    I have a love/hate relationship with speed work. I hate how it feels while I’m doing it. All I want to do is stop and lie down and cry. It is so damn taxing. I tend to have a pussy vs. power thing going on:

    Pussy: This is hard. I want to stop
    Power: No shit. It’s supposed to be hard. Keep going. A little pain won’t hurt you. The worst that will happen is you’ll throw up. 
    Pussy: I don’t like this. I should be able to be comfortable at all times. I only do things I like.
    Power: Get over yourself. Life is not easy. Getting uncomfortable is how you get strong.

    And, so it goes. I love how I feel after doing speed (not the drug but I might feel good after that too). Strong. Competent. Like I really did something.  I also notice a remarkable change in my pace on my normal runs from doing these repeats. Going a few seconds faster seems effortless. 

    Today’s results, if you care: 3:31, 3:22, 3:24, 3:30, 3:30, 3:34, 3:33.  If I can do ten of these and keep up a 3:30 average, I should, according to Bart Yasso, be able to run a 3:30 marathon on October 17. Very funny Bart. Are you going to try to sell me a three legged dog who eats Kleenex next? Cause I’m not buyin’.

  3. Visiting Mile Hi Skydiving to Schedule our Jump: Ah yes, this is likely the source of my churning stomach. After the track, I went to the local tiny airport. Ken and I are set to jump at 8:30 a.m. on Sunday. You might remember this was his anniversary gift to me (that and a bat in my crotch).

    Just talking and writing about this skydiving mess makes me queasy. 17,500 feet in the air. Jumping.

    Here's the thing: I love an adventure and am innately a risk taker (like when I let Lucky eat the Kleenex). I do not, however, enjoy the possibility of dying and orphaning my children. The people at the skydiving place think I am neurotic and I don't care. I told the tandem instructor I didn't want to die. He said he didn’t either. I asked if anyone had ever died. He said, “Yes, but that was a few years ago.” DAMMIT!! Not what I wanted to hear. I asked if he thought I would die. He said, “No.” Very good.

    The game plan, because I need some control, is that Ken will go up first and come down. If he makes it I will go. If he doesn’t, I will stay on the ground so my kids have one parent left. I know it’s silly, but I have this lingering and nagging feeling that I am being a “bad” parent by doing this. Yet, there is also this part of me that desperately believes in living fully and taking risks. I also want my kids to see me living fully and taking risks. Since 35,000 people jump per year at this place, I think my odds are PDG (pretty darn good).

    As a side note, the instructor said he is not in favor of pushing people out of the plane, but just giving them a little shove. I am slated to have this thing videotaped, so check back on Monday for some entertaining footage.

Enjoy your Tuesday. Season premiers of Glee and Biggest Loser tonight! Think that tough lesbian, Jillian, would jump out of a plane? (Or just yell at you to the get the f*ck out!)

51 comments:

  1. I thought my dog was the only one who searched out used tissues. How Gross.

    You will have an amazing experience skydiving, something you will never forget. I'll say a prayer to calm your nerves.

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  2. One of my dogs chews out the crotches of my wife's underwear on occasion (not when she's wearing them). Then he can't poop for a week. Bizarre, dogs are. Nice job on the Yassos - have you read his book? It's really a nice read.

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  3. You are one very brave Chica.....I don't even like the thought of flying for fear of abandoning my children - GO BETH GOOOO!

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  4. That is so gross about your dog, but my dog eats his poop and throw-up too. Yuck! What is it about dogs?
    Great job on your speedwork! I hate doing it too, but always feel awesome afterwards!

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  5. My dog use to eat muffin wrappers...all the time.

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  6. Why do they call them Yassos?

    I've got to remember when I'm over at your house and start choking on something ... I'll have to turn to your husband for help.

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  7. Seriously, Jillian's a lesbian?

    Wow.

    I'm not. But if anyone could turn me, it would be her.

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  8. @ Andrew - an explanation of yasso's: http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-238-244-255-624-0,00.html

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  9. Wow!! You are so brave. My knees are knocking for you! Can't wait to read how it goes for you... :-)

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  10. 1. I feel your pain with the dog throw up issue. Love my pup, but he throws up no less than 3 times a week - without eating Kleenex:(

    2. I'd have to attribute the stomach ache to a fourth element...a Chipotle burrito. Though absolutely delicious, I can't say that I've ever eaten one and felt "normal" afterward!

    3. Good luck with the jump. You're gonna love it.

    4. Thanks for you ramblings (and trifles...). I dig it.

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  11. You are my hero. I think your strategy is smart (if Ken lands successfully then you go). Have fun! I hear this is a rush like no other. Cannot wait for the follow up post.

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  12. Hilarious. I watch my dog eat Goose poop and lick her ass and somehow I still let her kiss my face.

    My stomach is in knots just thinking about you jumping out of a plane. Doing so is also on my husband's bucket list and I have a feeling one day he will ask me to go with him. I'm not really looking forward to that day...

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  13. Yup - my dog tries and sometimes succeeds in eating used kleenex. YUCK!
    I think you are living life to the fullest and taking risks and you children recognize that and probably love that about you . . . in addition to a lot of other reasons. I also think that having Ken jump first is being VERY rational and responsible. ;-)

    Enjoy - I am not sure I could do it . . . but have all the confidence in the world that YOU will have an awsome time.

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  14. Jillian hasn't even run a marathon last I heard so you can kick her trash any day of the week. Good luck with the jumping. I will do that when HELL freezes over, just sayin. But I'm sure it will be fine for you :) Throw up eating dog is better than poo eating dog at least in my opinion. My dog likes to go get the babies dirty diapers out and try to eat them. I can't stand by and watch that, too gross.

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  15. Jillian = lesbian?!

    And I thought I was just meeting her for a "Bloggy meet-up" in Vegas..

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  16. So I'm wondering if Lucky likes soft or hard centres. And really eating tissues is a little like using toilet paper but on the inside.

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  17. I love the P. vs. P dialog! It is so true! @ Andrew, Yassos are named after Bart Yasso, a RW mainstay who came up with the concept.

    Personally, my 800s typically don't translate, but that's me.

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  18. You can learn to love speedwork. Just flow with it and don't judge it! How awesome about the skydiving! Hope to do it one day:)

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  19. Your blog is funny, well written and entertaining. I enjoy reading it.

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  20. i love that you just said pussy on your blog.... more than once too! you continue to amaze me and be my favorite blogger YET! i need to fish up an award for your amazingness...either that or make one up! ;)

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  21. My son's best friend went sky diving (because he had to for his dad's 40th birthday) and he was terrified...but, then he loved it and said it was the best high :) ...Can't wait to see the video.

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  22. WAtching Glee all the way! :)
    Ha and my dogs like to eat klenexx too. I just stop them!

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  23. That 3:30 marathon might not be too far off ;) Speedy!

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  24. I don't even think I can come up with a response witty enough for this post. Classic! Trifles!

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  25. I like the pussy/power convo! I can totally relate down to the very words used!!
    Can't wait for the video. I remember the bat in the crotch story. weird that I saw a bat tonight on my run and thought about the time one flew into your lap. Were your ears burning??

    Oh yeah, have you ever thrown up from running? It scares the crap out of me and keeps me held back sometimes. For bleeps sake its only throwing up but I am scared I will shit at the same time.......dang running......:)

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  26. People poop, OK but dog poop...barf, etc. BLAH...
    You are a dare devil, I'm still DYING about the time you went swimming in the ice water...brrrrrrrrr.......you need to write your own book about your adventures...
    Oh, boots are from Anthropologie, last year. I saw them on E BAY this summer, Winding Ribbon Boots! I LOVE mine, no, ADORE them.

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  27. Good call on the skydiving. Of course, so long as you'll still go through with it.

    Reminds me of one of my fav quotes: "if at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you"

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  28. Pets are retarded. I woke up yesterday to find that our cat had hurled directly into his food. Stupid cat.

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  29. Good luck with the skydiving! My brother does it and says it's addicting, so you never know. You may be changing the name of your blog to "Shut Up and Skydive!"

    Hope your dog feels better soon!

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  30. I love biggest loser!

    You are a rock star for sky diving. I always wanted to..well I used to want to. My Dad was a sky dive instructor. But now, heck no! I can't wait to see your video!

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  31. Kovas…thanks for sharing that.

    SU&R…Awesome work on those Yasso’s.

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  32. I think you COULD run that 3:30 marathon with those yasso's. And I'm just tired reading your splits! dang...nice;-)

    and have fun sky diving! wanna see the video of him slightly pushing you out. ;)

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  33. Best of luck with the jump. You'll do it. It will be scary to start but then it will be like crossing the finish line: so fantastic and such an accomplishment. Sit back and have a great time.

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  34. i would LOVE to go skydiving! that is awesome! make sure you use the bathroom first.

    i've had sugar alcohols before with similar effects. i ate a bag of sugar free jelly beans in high school once (thank god at the end of the day) and then i used to eat sugar free twizlers, why? i don't know, it happened every time. but now i dont eat anyhting artificial so it's not an option anymore. it was kinda fun tho...if i was alone...

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  35. I really don't blame you. I feel the same way about the whole skydiving thing and think your plan is brilliant!

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  36. I can definitley relate to your Power vs. Pussy comment when I'm running hills! So true!

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  37. Skydiving is one of those things I don't have the balls to do but I bet that if I ever do it I'd wonder what took me so long. I wonder how it well work out for me.

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  38. I went skydiving at Mile-Hi Skydiving Center... they are very professional, they don't give you time to chicken out, and it's one of the scariest things I have ever done. I was also incredibly happy I did it (or at least to be alive, which kinda means the same thing), and was grinning for a week afterwords. I would suggest being in the back of the plane, so you are the first one out... it will keep you from over thinking the whole thing. And remember to laugh when they give you instructions that sound like you are auditioning for a porn movie (arch your back, touch my butt with your feet... really, they have you do this).

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  39. First time to post... so I'm gonna say, just shut up and jump! You will love it. I've done it twice. I was running down a steep trail the other day and would have traded jumping out of a plane. The ride up with be great, the jump and free fall will be thrilling and then it's an easy coast down. It will be over before you know it. Be prepared for a jolt when they pull the parachute. The straps may be a little uncomfortable - that's the worst part. Good luck!

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  40. I can't believe that I know this - and please don't ask how I know this - but Jillian's bisexual. Sort of an equal opportunity aggravator.

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  41. Awesome Yassos, lady! Yeah.. the theory doesn't work for me either, but it's fun to pretend. And I like 800's... in a hateful kind of way!

    GOOD LUCK WITH THE JUMP!

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  42. meh kleenex. my dog eats just as bad or worse items. silly dogs. um, this post totally made my day. thanks. the whole jumping out of the plane thing... i'm REALLY looking forward to seeing that! i'm nervous for you. oh and jillian would totally just shove your ass out...

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  43. I made the mistake of reading this on my lunch break at work...then reading all the comments while still eating...funny, but eww. I liked the pussy vs. power comments, sounds like the power won out!!

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  44. How do you mention eating a Chipotle burrito, yet fail to mention a case of the squirts a few hours later? Especially you! LOL

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  45. i do yassos too and i feel like theyre complete bs... yet i still do them :) 6 on tap for tomorrow :)

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  46. which is scarier yassos or skydiving.. i just can decide

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  47. Skydiving is addictive, just like running. Don't sweat it when they have you sign the Release of Liability form--it's just a formality.
    Have a great jump!!!

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  48. i hate animal puke. but i hate human puke more.

    i can't wait to hear how sunday goes. i'm nervous for you!

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  49. I dunno what it is with dogs and tissues. My dogs do the same thing!

    I too have a love and hate relationship with speedwork. It's very tiring but you know it has to be done. =)

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  50. I know I'm a little late to this party, but...
    I had a Cocker Spaniel growing up and she did the same thing! LOVED to eat nasty kleenex out of the trash! I have a corgi-mix now and she doesn't touch it. Hmmmm...it's probably a cocker thing!
    BTW, mine lived to be 19 - so I have a feeling your three-legged, one eyed pooch will be around for a while ;)

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  51. I would totally jump out of a plane...such and exciting life you lead :)

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