Tuesday, January 17, 2012

All Day, Everyday

Today I hit the gym wanting to get in a few treadmill miles before yoga. I found myself unexpectedly running very hard and very fast, at least for me. Grief does weird things. All this pent up sadness, anger and frustration needs somewhere to go.

Yesterday my stomach was in knots and I was gassy as hell – probably stress related. I had contractors doing work in our house and even though I know they let their share of farts (one guy even had his crack hanging out), my gas was off the charts and they are probably still talking about it.

I miss writing like I normally do – those funny, irreverent, crude posts. The ones where my greatest concern was who farted in yoga or that the dog was licking himself too much. Yet, I simply don’t have it in me right now. I know it will slowly return, but at this moment, and for the past ten days, I’m just feeling the weight of what happened with my cousin, Sherry. It sits with me all day, everyday.

As you know, the FBI has been slow to release any details. Bit by horrible bit they are emerging. I don’t want to know. And, yet I desperately need to know. Sometimes I want to punch someone in the face. Sometimes I want a hug. Sometimes I want to drink wine and watch bad TV. Sometimes a laugh feels so good. My biggest relief comes with sleep or when my body is moving.  My workouts have been daily and intense. Pent up sadness and anger give me energy. Looking ahead gives me energy too. I want to smash my running and triathlon goals this year.

Let me ramble some more. What happened to Sherry has scared me more than I like to admit. As much as I tell myself this was a random crime and she was in the wrong place at the wrong time, it’s difficult to not look at the world differently. Evil lurks where I did not see it before. As I have said in previous posts, good still wins the fight. But, evil is out there and I’ve never been so aware of that as I am now.

Her body has not been found.  A body is needed for closure for the family. If Sherry cannot come home in aliveness, may her physical body at least come home. I believe the process of healing can then begin.

I can’t express how touched I was that so many of you want to do a virtual run for Sherry. This is going to happen. However, the feedback I get from the immediate family is that it is too soon. It feels like too much to have something nationwide like this run occur just yet. So, PLEASE, do not lose your momentum. Please sit tight and join me in the (hopefully) not too distant future in a run for Sherry.

When the time is right for a run, my thought is to have a printable running bib that each person can pin on when they go out for their virtual run. That way we can collectively run on the same day with the same memento on our bodies. I am working on a design for this, but if you are especially talented at this sort of thing, let me know. I have some crazy gifts, but graphic design is not one of them. I could use some help. I want to keep it simple and sincere. Contact me if you can help.

SUAR

106 comments:

  1. When you are ready, and when the family is ready, we will be here for you. Ready to run for Sherry.

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  2. No need to apologize for not being yourself lately. It's ok. Give yourself some time and keep running, keep moving. When Sherry's family is ready, I am here, ready to run for Sherry. Hugs to you. xoxo

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  3. I hope they find her soon so she may rest in peace and the family can properly grieve. So horribly tragic.

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  4. Beth I am very confused. I thought they found her?? UGH... I'm thinking of you very, very often and Sherry is on my mind when I run. ((hugs))

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  5. I hope Sherry comes home soon. No one expects the grieving process to happen overnight, and we all understand that.

    Hugs and prayers. I'll be ready to run when they give the blessing.

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  6. Grief can take you through many different emotions. Most importantly, be there for yourself. What happened to Sherry hit me deep and I am much more careful now. Sad, but true. And I am sure I am not the only one that feels this way, right across this great nation of ours.

    Stay strong, we are here and we will be ready to run for Sherry when you are ready.

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  7. I feel the same way that this has scared me more than I thought it would. I am much more aware of my surroundings now. She could have been anyone of us. I hurt for her family and pray for healing and am willing and ready to do the virtual run whenever it takes place. I can't do graphic design, but if there is anything else I can contribute, I will be more than happy to.

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  8. I am in for the race whenever the time is right. My thoughts are with you and all of those who knew Sherry.

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  9. Your grief is spent running, lifting, and building a desire to smash your PR's.

    I spent mine floating in a boat for an entire summer drinking enough alcohol to kill an elephant.

    Kudos to you for finding a positive way to channel your emotions.

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  10. When her family is ready... we will be here.

    And may a dose of Dolvett and a glass of wine provide you a few smiles later.

    **thinking of you**

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  11. Ready to run for Sherry...anytime!

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  12. I have never been a runner but recently began because I need to lose weight and running is a great stress reliever. I found your blog thru others I have read and your stories about Sherry have made me want to run more, run for someone/something that can't. You are an inspiration and I am finding that running for Sherry is one as well. I am thinking of you & your family and will be participating in the virtual run whenever it can happen.

    XO

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  13. Beth, I don't comment much, but I have been reading for awhile now, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I am a professional graphic designer. I would love to help with your virtual run. Feel free to email me at alissan(at)yahoo.com

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  14. We'll be here, and we'll run for her when the time is right. Until then, she's in our thoughts every day.

    If anything good has come of this at all, it's that we're all a little more aware, a little more vigilant when we go out there. It's small consolation, I know, but it's something.

    Thinking of you.

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  15. The best thing someone said to me after my mom died was that grief is not a linear process. Some days you may be up followed by a day that knocks you completely on your ass. Keep Sherry in your heart and know there are so many of us out here thinking about you, Sherry, her family, and her community.
    Hugs to you -

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  16. Sending Love and Light to all of you.

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  17. Grief definitely does different things to everyone. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. We will all be here and ready when the time is right for a run together. In the meantime, I will keep praying for you and for her family.

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  18. I am so sorry for your lost...Sending Love and Light to you and The Family

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  19. I am up for a run when you are! Praying she is found so closure can begin!

    I would be happy to help design a race bib! When you are ready you can contact me at pictureperfectbyjo4@gmail.com

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  20. Ready to run here in Oklahoma when the family is ready. Still thinking of you and Sherry daily.

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  21. I wish I could help w/ the graphic design--I'm sure there are some talented bloggers out there at the ready.

    But--I, and I'm sure WE, are all ready when the day comes for that virtual run.

    Keep processing your feelings any way you see fit. There is lots to work through, I'm sure.

    Thinking about you and Sherry tons.

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  22. I definitely want to be a part of that run and wear that bib. I thought of her today on my short run. i haven't been able to run for a week thinking of her. I had planned to post a blog about my first half last Saturday but never did because I couldn't post about something I enjoyed at the very same time she was abducted.

    Glad to hear you are running. Let it out!

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  23. Lucky for you, others can write about poop for a while. Others can fart in your memory. Even if it's one word, I look forward to your blogs everyday. No need to apologize to us...we're all behind you (unless of course you're pooping or farting!)

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  24. I will run not matter when or where I am. Praying everyday for her body to come home to her family.

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  25. This has just shook me and my running partner to the bone! We each run alone, and meet up on weekends to run our long runs together; however, we don't always find the time. I live in the outlying area of our county & we don't see much traffic, I have only felt scared one time and that's when I started carrying mace on runs I do alone. Now I've decided I want to run with people no matter what my safety comes first. Even my running partner who runs in town and run where there are lots of people has decided not to run alone. I can't tell you how much aherry's story has impacted my life, I don't want to run scared or let this define me, but the reality is there is way too much evil lurking for a woman to run alone. Thank you for being brave and writing about this, I think about you & sherry every day, and cannot fathom what you and sherry's family are going through. When you are ready I'm in for the virtual run!

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  26. I'm ready to run for Sherry. In my mind, I already have been runninng for her. Take care. HUGS to you.

    I can also dedicate any and all gas expellsion your way. :) (Sorry sometimes I want to make people laugh)..

    I also wrote a post about Sherry yesterday and how scared I've become. I ended with a tagline about the inbred jerks who prey on women.
    Take care. --Karen from California

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  27. I will run for Sherry whenever you and your family are ready. I think of her now as I run.

    In 2007, one of my childhood friends was out for a run in Portland and was struck by a car. He died later that night in surgery. He was 37 and left a wife and two small children. I know what it's like to feel pain and not be sure of where to put your feelings. I am praying for you and your family daily and hope that someday, you will find peace again. Hugs to you.

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  28. Don't apologise for your grief Beth, and don't compare your grief to others. When it comes to grief there is no normal.
    Just know that you are all in our thoughts and prayers and huge huge hugs are being sent to you all.
    We will run for Sherry in Australia too xxx

    PS. It might give you a little smile to know that this morning, I did a fart SO loud it frightened my dog so much that she fell over! She is a 42 kilo 'guard dog'

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  29. I've been out of the cyber world for a bit and just learned of Sherry. Her story breaks my heart and makes me that more vigilant on my runs. I think the virtual run will be a wonderful tribute to her. The appropriate time will present itself and when it does I'll be there to run for her.

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  30. When I left for my run Sunday morning, I put my hand in my glove and there was a note from my husband. "I love you. Be safe. Have fun." I've felt so much sadness/rage/fear over the last few days and didn't realize how much it scared my spouse too.
    Will run the virtual run whenever! We won't forget.

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  31. When you're ready & her family is ready, please drop me a line & I'd be glad to design a printable running bib. (It's our business). We can design it with her photo(s) & any words you want on it. We've been following your blog & this sad turn of events. We would be happy to help with a run in Sherry's honor.

    sales@races2remember.com

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  32. Take your time to grieve. I will still be a blog supporter and will gladly participate in the virtual run whenever it will be. *hugs*

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  33. And I've been farting all weekend. No idea why (I don't have your reasons).

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  34. When it's time for the run... it will be time for the run and we will all be here. It might be nice to help raise funds for missing and exploited children or missing persons or something like that? Just an idea...

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  35. I think the whole ordeal is just plain stupid ... those guys better be talking soon or you and I will drive up to the Dakotas and ring their necks. Think of you guys all the time, praying there's some answers, and closure, soon!
    xo

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  36. I think so many of us are still keeping you, your family, and Sherry in our thoughts, especially each time we run. Whenever the time is right for a virtual run you will have so much support.

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  37. Your words and stories of Sherry are very touching, uplifting, and memorable to even those of us htat never knew her. Continue to share your memories of her...and her spirit will continue to stay with us all!

    a virtual run would be an incredible representation of her character and life...an honor for anyone out there to be a part of...let us know!

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  38. I'll help get the word out in my corner about a run for Sherry any time... and annually if you so desire, so take your time... and as to potty humor, it's always in style, whether you take a break from it or not... so no worries... we'll all still be laughing when yours returns... just as we do with ours everyday. ;)
    kzpt, OR

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  39. I would be honored to run for Sherry.

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  40. My running shoes are ready to honor Sherry. I pray for her physical return home to her loved ones.

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  41. When I was grieving once (like we all do) I made a New Year's Resolution to develop a drinking problem. Very publicly. Tried my damndest. I suck at alcoholism.

    But you, my dear, are overwhelmed with grief and doing the right things for your body and using grief as fuel for your dreams.

    You amaze me.

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  42. I'll echo everyone else. I'm in whenever you and Sherry's family are ready. I am pretty sure no one will forget her.

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  43. Hi Beth!

    I've never commented before, but have been following your blog for a while, and of course Sherry's story. As so many have said, you've got a lot of love, support, and mileage waiting whenever you're ready!

    I know you've gotten a few offers, but if you still need help I'm a graphic designer and would be happy to pitch in. Like so many others, I feel like I've lost a dear friend and it would mean a lot to help honor Sherry's memory. At the very least, my mom and I will be ready to run the virtual race - I think it'd be cool to coordinate something at my gym, too.

    Take care and hang in there - you bring laughter and joy to so many of us. If I can be of service, let me know (abkarns@gmail).

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  44. When her family is ready, I will be ready to run for Sherry. Hang in there - you and your family have been in my prayers.

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  45. I'm just another random runner who happened to add your blog to my feed after you met up with Aron and Page in Vegas. I'd followed all the news reports about Sherry, but I'd gotten behind on blogs and didn't know until a couple days ago that she was your cousin. I am so sorry for your loss, and also that you have to deal with so many unanswered questions.

    In my former career, I talked to many people who lost loved ones to violence. I can't tell you that everything will be all better, because I know you'll always have a hole in your heart. I can't tell you that seeing justice served will bring closure, because there is no way to close a door on a loved one. But I CAN tell you that the memories of Sherry will always be sweet. I CAN tell you that she will never leave your heart and soul. And I CAN tell you that the days will get brighter as you continue to live, run and laugh for Sherry. Do it for her. When you do a virtual run for her, I'll join in.

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  46. Thinking of you and Sherry and her family every day. Ready to run for her when the time is right. (And maybe some of us here in Colorado could run together in solidarity.)

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  47. You'll be back to your crude self when it's time for you to do so, and only you can decide that. Be assured though, your trusty readers are not anxious for you to return to your old ways before you are ready to, and until that time we'll keep reading, commenting, supporting, and wishing you well. That is what virtual 'friends' are for.

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  48. I ran 8.5 miles today along the Iron Horse Trail in CA. I like to run it because there are always people walking/running/biking too - I've always thought that means safety in numbers......but today - I ran and ran and thought of Sherry. I thought of her when the guy walking towards me in the hoodie waved, I thought of her when the man working behind the fence looked up as I ran by, I thought of her when I passed the moms with strollers, the ladies with their headphones blasting music in their ears. It made me question each person I passed and their motive for being on that path. Knowing that Sherry had simply gone for a run and didn't come home, made me glad for my gps on my phone, but made me much more nervous - there was a lonely part of the trail that I chose not to run - because of Sherry. I didn't know her, but hope that I can honor her by making myself safer when I run. Ready for the virtual run when that date comes.

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  49. It is ok to take some time. Sorry I haven't been commenting on her story until now. It is very sad and frightening to me. I am very sorry for your loss. Her story was on my mind for a good portion of my long run, where I run on what I feel to be a safe residential road w/ fire station, but then the what ifs started creeping into my head and scaring me. Good will win over Evil. It has too!

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  50. Whenever her immediate family is ready, we are ready. Take time for yourself and cut yourself some slack. We're all here for you whether you're making jokes about farts or not. We love BETH not just Beth's sick sense of humor. ;-)

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  51. No rush on the official virtual run. take your time. we'll be here.

    And each and every day, throughout the hours of the day, all over the world you have followers virtually running with Sherry. We all carry her with us as we run just as I carry my sister and a certain triathlete who died before his time and the untold tens of thousands of innocents used and abused in the land we live in. We are all running with Sherry and you and her family. We hold all of you in our hearts as we take our steps of freedom, the wind in our face and the sun on our back.

    So an official date is just icing on the cake.

    We run because we can.

    And we carry you and your Sherry with us.

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  52. We'll be here when you and Sherry's family are ready.

    Right now all you have to do is keep breathing and take care of yourself, whether that's bad TV and good wine, a run, a cry, whatever.

    RunLikeaMother/AnotherMotherRunner blog today showed a photo bib of Sherry made by Caroline of Canadian Runner in Exile blog that Caroline wore in a race over the weekend she dedicated to Sherry. I imagine they'd all be happy to help when the time comes. If not, I know many others will step up. http://anothermotherrunner.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/caroline.jpg

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  53. I continue to think and pray for you and the Arnold family. I wore a bib on my back that said "For Sherry Arnold" at our running club 8 mile race on Sunday.

    Many of us were thinking of Sherry during that run.

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  54. when you are ready, I will be here and I will do this run with you. 2 days ago I ran my 6th half marathon and I wore a bib for Sherry on my back. I tried to pass as many people as I could so that they could see her and think of her.

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  55. Tell the day and time, I'll run for you and Sherry. I ran a half on Sunday and literally thought of her the whole time. Small world, but my step brother is a math teacher at a school who's principal grew up with Sherry in Sidney Mt. Naturally my family is scared for my safety while running now. I am putting together a self-defense class with a couple friends through a martial arts center so we can better prepare ourselves. Maybe this is something else you can encourage? for people to seek out more information/classes/groups regarding self defense?

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  56. I am so sorry you are going through this, I am really praying that they find her soon and that will bring some closure to you and your and her family.

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  57. I'm here in Louisiana waiting for the signal! Ready to run whenever you are! Love and prayers with you and Sherry's family everyday and hope for her return!

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  58. I carried Sherry with me in Houston and will proudly bring her with me when it is time for the virtual run. I will organize my running group for a run for Sherry. You just give us the word.
    They will find her. I know they will.

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  59. I will run for her when the family is ready. You and the rest of the family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  60. Opened up my paper today and her face was staring back at me. I felt a lump form in my throat as I read how they are encouraging landowners to look for things that seem out of place to possibly discover the location of her remains. I pray that someone, by the grace of God and all that is decent in this world, will find them soon and bring her back home for her family to begin healing. Grieve however you (and the family) needs to right now and know we are here - willing and patiently waiting - when the time is right to run.

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  61. We'll all be here...in the meantime we will pray for Sherry's return so she and family can rest peacefully. My heart sinks everytime I think about it and it has definitely made me more aware and on watch when running...

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  62. Virtual run or not, I believe Sherry will be on many runners' mind when they do their everyday runs. I know she is on my mind.
    It is crazy how people connect. And yes, evil lurks. But so do the goodness too (like the goodness you see in all these people supporting you and Sherry's family.)
    May she come home soon.

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  63. Sherry was my teacher her first year teaching. I grew up in Sidney. I started running when we moved to Memphis, TN 3 years ago. Sherry dissapeared the day before I moved to Butte and got to be a runner back in Montana. I've run where she dissapeared. I haven't run because it shook me. I'm going to. I'm starting as soon as possible so I can do this virtual run. If there's anything I can help with, let me know! Sarah Rachor

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  64. Ready to run for Sherry! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  65. Sitting tight and keeping momentum. It's hard to know how to strike that balance between fear and being fearless. The first 25 years of my life were for sure fearless... but the last 8 have been... more cautious. Many many hugs and feeling for you, Sherry and her family...

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  66. Run for sherry run... We are ready here in COS...

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  67. My heart hurts for you and your family, yet you still managed to put a smile on my face with your gas comments. :-) Healing will come.

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  68. We will run for Sherry when the time is right.

    Meanwhile, we are all thinking of her. And feeling the sad same realization that evil lurks everywhere. I am so sorry for her family...they need peace, they need answers.

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  69. I have a close friend who is a graphic designer and I'm sure she'd be more than willing to help. Just let me know!

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  70. I hope they can bring her home soon. Ready to run for her... whenever.

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  71. When the time comes, I'm ready to run for her, and for you. <3

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  72. I will be ready to run when the time is right. Thoughts and prayers for you and the rest of her family that she comes home soon to be laid to rest properly.

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  73. When you are ready...I will run for Sherry.

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  74. Dont ever apologize, God Bless

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  75. When the family is ready- I will RUN MY HEART OUT FOR SHERRY!!! XO

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  76. I am interested in putting together a ladies running safety course with our local track club. This is obviously motivated by Sherry's story. It would probably not happen until next month. Do you think you'd be interested in doing a little video greeting or something! Would be a cool way to promote the blog all the way down here in Columbus, GA.

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  77. We are ready for a virtual run when Sherry's family is ready. You all are in my thoughts and prayers. I love reading all the posts to you....this running community makes me smile and puts tears in my eyes at the same time.

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  78. I would be proud to participate in the virtual run in Oregon, whenever it happens I will be there.

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  79. We are here, when the family is ready. Hugs to you.

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  80. I would love to participate when the family is ready. Again, my thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family during this time. It's excruiating to wait for the painful information bit by bit. I hope the family will get the closure soon. Hang in there. Keep running.

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  81. So sorry and this truly hits home with ALL of us. My Run Club is ready to run with you for Sherry whenever you are ready. Hugs to you, your family and Sherry's family.

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  82. I'm definitely in, whenever the race may be.

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  83. I am a graphic designer. I helped Adam (Boring Runner) with his catus logo. Let me know how I can help!

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  84. I'm ready to run for Sherry here in Virginia whenever the family is ready. I'm happy you keep posting even though you are not "you" lately. I'll be thinking about you.

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  85. Hi Beth,
    I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking a lot about Sherry, her family and your updates... it is all very sad and heartbreaking. I am thinking of you and hope the sense of community provides a little bit of comfort to you at this difficult time.

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  86. I pray you all get the closure you need. Peace be with you.

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  87. I am ready whenever Sherry's family is ready. In the mean time, each of my runs will be dedicated to Sherry. I am praying that she is able to come home soon.

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  88. When you guys are ready, we will be ready. My heartfelt thoughts and prayers go out to your family.

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  89. I will be praying for you and your family and for Sherry's family. That is such a tragic story. I would absolutely love to do a virtual race in her honor. Thank you for your transparency. Stay strong.

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  90. Thoughts and prayers for your family.

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  91. From all the other comments it seems we are all here for you. I'm still praying for you and all of Sherry's family amd friends.
    I, too, have changed my mindset while running.
    I'll be running here when ever her family is ready and each run I've thought of Sherry.
    We had a memorial 5k almost a year after a friend of ours passed away, from melanoma, not something so sudden and violent. So, it could take time and I'm sure your readers will still be just as passionate when the time comes as we are now.
    We will never forget.
    Allison in NJ

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  92. I'm in for an honorary "SUAR for Sherry" T-Shirt if you are planning on doing any !!!
    Be Strong and Keep the Faith

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  93. I have no artistic talent. My 2nd grade students can testify.

    When you organize the run, how would you feel about a meet up for those like me living in or around the Boulder area? I'm sure we would all like to support you during that run. And probably give you a needed hug.

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  94. I thought about you last night - a friend and I were in Joann fabrics and someone was walking around (I SWEAR she was following us!) crop dusting us the whole time. Thanks, lady.

    I've been thinking a lot about you. I haven't run in a long time because of some medical stuff, but it's over now, and in honor of Sherry, I will start again.

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  95. Whenever the time is right for the run in honor of Sherry, we will be there.

    Please give yourself the time you need to grieve in any way you need to. You, Sherry and your family are in my thoughts - sending hugs.

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  96. It takes time, and we're all here for you. I fully believe in grieving the way you need to for your soul. My thoughts and prayers are with you every day.

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  97. Beth I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. Alot of how you ar feeling rings true for me as well when I lost my 15 yr old niece last year, the grief part. I can't imagine the loss coupled with the horror of what you are all going through. We'll always be here tho, even when you don't feel like posting fart stories.

    If there is a run, I'll definitely join in, whenever you and the family are ready. Sending love. xoxoxoxo

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  98. I have been thinking a lot about this lately and probably because I run at 430-5a when it is dark out. Previous to this story I just ran and did not care about the 1 or 2 cars I would see in the neighborhood driving by. Didn't phase me one bit, but now I make sure to take inventory of their speed, where they turn, did they stop.

    All of this is to say that Sherry did not lose her life in vain. She taught us all a lesson and that is to be mindful of where we are at all times.

    When I tell Karen to be careful now when she runs it has a different meaning to it and I know that is because Sherry has taught me a lesson that life is too fragile.

    Karen and I are always here for you no matter what. Call when you need too and we will answer the phone.

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  99. So very sorry for your loss...I have never ran a virtual run but I will and so when you are ready I will be too.

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  100. I'm ready to run...just say when!

    I hope she can come home soon to her family!

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  101. It's a strange thing when some little voice tells you to check in on someone who you've been out of contact with, which is why I'm here tonight. I heard about your cousin's disappearance on the news, though I didn't know until about 3 minutes ago that Sherry was related to you...I've heard about her story on the news here in San Diego. I can't begin to express my concern for your family...the news has me rattled enough as a mere stranger. If you organize a virtual run, Beth, count me in. My thoughts are with you and your family...my run tomorrow is dedicated to Sherry...and I will run until I simply can't any more.

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  102. Fart it up sista!!
    Blessings to you and your family during this difficult time!

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  103. In Georgia, ready to run for Sherry.

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  104. In Georgia, ready to run for Sherry.

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