Today I hit the gym wanting to get in a few treadmill miles before yoga. I found myself unexpectedly running very hard and very fast, at least for me. Grief does weird things. All this pent up sadness, anger and frustration needs somewhere to go.
Yesterday my stomach was in knots and I was gassy as hell – probably stress related. I had contractors doing work in our house and even though I know they let their share of farts (one guy even had his crack hanging out), my gas was off the charts and they are probably still talking about it.
I miss writing like I normally do – those funny, irreverent, crude posts. The ones where my greatest concern was who farted in yoga or that the dog was licking himself too much. Yet, I simply don’t have it in me right now. I know it will slowly return, but at this moment, and for the past ten days, I’m just feeling the weight of what happened with my cousin, Sherry. It sits with me all day, everyday.
As you know, the FBI has been slow to release any details. Bit by horrible bit they are emerging. I don’t want to know. And, yet I desperately need to know. Sometimes I want to punch someone in the face. Sometimes I want a hug. Sometimes I want to drink wine and watch bad TV. Sometimes a laugh feels so good. My biggest relief comes with sleep or when my body is moving. My workouts have been daily and intense. Pent up sadness and anger give me energy. Looking ahead gives me energy too. I want to smash my running and triathlon goals this year.
Let me ramble some more. What happened to Sherry has scared me more than I like to admit. As much as I tell myself this was a random crime and she was in the wrong place at the wrong time, it’s difficult to not look at the world differently. Evil lurks where I did not see it before. As I have said in previous posts, good still wins the fight. But, evil is out there and I’ve never been so aware of that as I am now.
Her body has not been found. A body is needed for closure for the family. If Sherry cannot come home in aliveness, may her physical body at least come home. I believe the process of healing can then begin.
I can’t express how touched I was that so many of you want to do a virtual run for Sherry. This is going to happen. However, the feedback I get from the immediate family is that it is too soon. It feels like too much to have something nationwide like this run occur just yet. So, PLEASE, do not lose your momentum. Please sit tight and join me in the (hopefully) not too distant future in a run for Sherry.
When the time is right for a run, my thought is to have a printable running bib that each person can pin on when they go out for their virtual run. That way we can collectively run on the same day with the same memento on our bodies. I am working on a design for this, but if you are especially talented at this sort of thing, let me know. I have some crazy gifts, but graphic design is not one of them. I could use some help. I want to keep it simple and sincere. Contact me if you can help.