The last 24 hours have proven how careless and klutzy I really am. I can’t believe I haven’t already dismembered or impaled myself.
Last night my mom and dad had us over for Thanksgiving dinner. No, my mom does not have Alzheimer's, and, yes, it was déjà vu from a few months ago. My mom is a practical type and since turkeys are so cheap in November she always stores one away for later. We stuffed our pie holes with turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, and spinach salad (my lame contribution). After dinner I was carving some more turkey to bring home when it happened. I somehow stabbed myself in the stomach with the two-pronged meat fork. Honestly I still don’t know how I did it. It took some real skill to one moment be carving at the turkey’s breast and the next moment be pulling the meat fork out of my abdomen (TWSS?).
It could have been worse, like I could have impaled myself on the fork. I showed Ken the marks and he asked if I had gotten bitten by some kind of bug. Yeah, the dumb-as-shit-careless-bug maybe.
Here is an up close view of my scaly stomach. It may not look so bad, but keep in mind the fork went through 2 layers of clothes. It hurt like a mother. It wasn’t so much the level of injury, but the fact that it happened at all.
If that wasn’t enough: this morning I went for a ten mile trail run at Picture Rock with Lisa, Leigh, Sarah, Ken. Perfect day, warm temps, great company and scenery. On the way down I was so caught up talking to Leigh (I’m sure I was telling her some epic fart story) when it happened. I fell flat on my face. It was one of those slow motion moments when you feel yourself falling, you know it will be bad and you do your best to minimize the damage. I slammed my left shoulder onto the trail then hit my chin on a rock. I sprawled myself out on the trail hoping someone had brought a portable stretcher or neck brace. Ken helped me up, dusted me off and didn’t even laugh. At least not to my face. I know they all huddled behind me and snickered. Ken did say he was glad I did not hit my teeth again because we are not spending any more money on fixing my front teeth.
What I’ve learned about falls on the trail is that you tend to feel them much more about 24 hours later. I’m guessing my shoulder will be screaming at my tomorrow and there will be a fine bruise and goose egg on my chin. I will have the sweetest double chin west of the Mississippi.
Try not to focus on the nose hairs
I can just add these things to my long list random injuries I have sustained like the time I cut my ear while shaving my legs (make perfect sense that I held the razor in my hand while rinsing shampoo out of my hair and caught my ear lobe). Or the time I jumped out of a moving car because I knew if we stopped the car it would stall. Or the time the vacuum cleaner fell on me while I was cleaning the stairs and almost knocked me out.
These will be good stories to tell my grandchildren. By that time the tales will have morphed into, “I remember the time I stabbed myself with a pitchfork and severed my spleen. I was in the hospital for 39 days. Right after that I fell while trail running and had to be airlifted out by the National Guard. Brad Pitt was the pilot.”
I know I am not the only careless and clumsy one out there.
What’s an injury you got because you weren’t playing close enough attention or are just a plain klutz?