Clean Sheets Never Had a Chance

Thanks guys for all of your support about making this decision. To run or not to run, that is the question. I hope it becomes more clear as the week progresses. And, a big thanks to Mike who left this supportive comment. You make me all warm inside:

“Dean Karnazes did 50 marathons in 50 days but you can't do one because you've got an ouchie? I thought you had more mettle than that. “

Mettle. Had to look that one up. It means strength of character: spirited determination.  I think most runners would agree it takes incredible strength to not run a race you’ve trained for in order to avoid further injury. Now, that’s a mark of real determination. And shit! I did just jump out of a plane. What more do you want?

Moving on…it’s been the subject of blog posts – the things non-runners say to runners. I’m sure it’s the same with any sport. Those scuba divers probably have beers and chuckle over what non-scuba people say like, “How deep do you have to go to dive under the island?”. Jockeys are rolling on the floor laughing in their miniature knickers talking about what the non-jockey said to them (“Where do you buy those cute little pants?”).  Or, maybe they’re  just telling good jockey jokes*.

That said, I must share today’s funny from a non-runner. It’s very cute and sweet.

My chiropractor and I have become intimate in the past five weeks. We see each other three times a week. He’s a good guy – an ex-preacher. He calls me nicknames like “sunshine,” “gorgeous,” and “little lady” (but never “mettle”). I love a good nickname, it feels endearing and like you share a special something with someone (even if he does call everyone by these names).  He contorts my body in strange ways (while calling me little lady). A couple days ago he came at me with some device that he called a “very large vibrator” (almost couldn't keep a straight face on that one). He has seen my butt crack a few times (unintentionally) and even touched my boob once (surprised he could find the thing). And, yes, he’s smelled my gas. So, we are like this:

Today, I pleaded with him to work some magic so I could run the marathon on Sunday. This is the point where all of his non-running knowledge emerged. First, he told me to put my running shoe inserts into all the shoes I wear during the day. Somehow I don’t think those are fitting in my Danskos anytime soon. Then, the clincher:

“Sunshine, I really want to see you run this race. All of it. I want you to be strong and be able to do this. Heck, I want you to win the race.”

Say what?

Sure doc. This little lady is going to crank out a 2:12 marathon on a bad hip. No problem. Hell, I could have the best hips in the universe and NEVER have a 2 in front of my marathon time. Never ever never ever never. It’s all I can do to have  “3” in the front.

Now for the joke (it is funny or I wouldn’t waste your time):

*The Big Horse Race Horses in the race are: 1. Passionate Lady 2. Bare Belly 3. Silk Panties 4. Conscience 5. Jockey Short s6. Clean Sheets 7. Thighs 8. Big Johnson 9. Heavy Bosom 10. Merry Cherry.

At the Post: They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot. At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson. At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming. At the finish it's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs pulls-up. Clean Sheets never had a chance.

Keeping it real,

SUAR