She Did Not Just Say That

I am a coffee drinker. My parents modeled this habit quite well throughout my childhood, and I quickly came to associate coffee with ritual, comfort and warmth. In college, it was the cheap stuff like Folgers made in a one-cup Mr. Coffee that gathered mold sitting on the desk in my dorm room. Junior year was spent in Paris. Each morning dawned with a steaming bowl of Cafe au Lait and a fresh piece of crusty baguette for dipping.

Post-college and finally employed full time, (although $16,000 a year can hardly be called employed), I indulged in higher level coffees like Millstone, and even dabbled in the flavored stuff (which I now snub my nose to). After moving to Denver, I got serious about my coffee drinking and took it to new levels. I was the office manager for an environmental firm for a couple of years. The boss man would give me $20 every week to go and buy fresh ground coffee from a local Colorado beanery to brew in the office. From then on it’s been the good stuff for me.

I take my coffee with extra half and half. And, don’t even try to give me skim milk because that would put me in a really foul mood. I don’t drink the fancy lattes or fraps. I don’t drink it iced. I don’t like instant (do they even sell that anymore?).  I’m just your basic coffee girl.

I drink a cup of coffee before every run because it wakes me up, gives me a rush, and encourages the pre-run poop to evacuate stat. I also drink a cup after a run as a reward.

Coffee is a staple of my life. Sometimes I can’t wait to get out of bed to make that first cup.

That’s why I wanted to kill the hygienist at the dentist yesterday. She better watch her back and not let me find her in a dark alley. I’ll have her ass for breakfast.

Yesterday while I lay in the dentist’s chair covered in a blanket and watching The View (they do the dental experience up right around here), this conversation transpired:

Hygienist: So, you drink coffee or tea?

Me: Coffee. Why? Are my teeth stained?

Hygienist: Yep. Well, they aren’t too bad. Just that one on the bottom. But, I have a tip for you.

Me: (Thinking she’s going to suggest not drinking coffee and I’d have to poke her with that sharp instrument thing they use to clean off the plaque) What?

Hygienist: I know it sounds funny, but drink your coffee through a straw. The coffee will bypass your teeth, preventing staining.

No. She did not just say that. Where’s the suction thing? Cause I’m going to stick it on her nipple until she says, “uncle.”

I understand the whole bypass thing. But, asking me to drink hot coffee through a straw is like asking me to run a marathon on an 1/8 mile track in someone’s dark basement. It takes all the joy out of it.

Oh, hey, and while I’m at it, why don’t I get one of those silly straws for when I’m out to dinner and drinking red wine, cause that’s a big stainer. I could even use one of these and then it might be kind of fun:

Happy Friday.