Friday, October 1, 2010

She Did Not Just Say That

I am a coffee drinker. My parents modeled this habit quite well throughout my childhood, and Icoffeecup quickly came to associate coffee with ritual, comfort and warmth. In college, it was the cheap stuff like Folgers made in a one-cup Mr. Coffee that gathered mold sitting on the desk in my dorm room. Junior year was spent in Paris. Each morning dawned with a steaming bowl of Cafe au Lait and a fresh piece of crusty baguette for dipping.

Post-college and finally employed full time, (although $16,000 a year can hardly be called employed), I indulged in higher level coffees like Millstone, and even dabbled in the flavored stuff (which I now snub my nose to). After moving to Denver, I got serious about my coffee drinking and took it to new levels. I was the office manager for an environmental firm for a couple of years. The boss man would give me $20 every week to go and buy fresh ground coffee from a local Colorado beanery to brew in the office. From then on it’s been the good stuff for me.

I take my coffee with extra half and half. And, don’t even try to give me skim milk because that would put me in a really foul mood. I don’t drink the fancy lattes or fraps. I don’t drink it iced. I don’t like instant (do they even sell that anymore?).  I’m just your basic coffee girl.

I drink a cup of coffee before every run because it wakes me up, gives me a rush, and encourages the pre-run poop to evacuate stat. I also drink a cup after a run as a reward.

Coffee is a staple of my life. Sometimes I can’t wait to get out of bed to make that first cup.

That’s why I wanted to kill the hygienist at the dentist yesterday. She better watch her back and not let me find her in a dark alley. I’ll have her ass for breakfast.

Yesterday while I lay in the dentist’s chair covered in a blanket and watching The View (they do the dental experience up right around here), this conversation transpired:

Hygienist: So, you drink coffee or tea?

Me: Coffee. Why? Are my teeth stained?

Hygienist: Yep. Well, they aren’t too bad. Just that one on the bottom. But, I have a tip for you.

Me: (Thinking she’s going to suggest not drinking coffee and I’d have to poke her with that sharp instrument thing they use to clean off the plaque) What?

Hygienist: I know it sounds funny, but drink your coffee through a straw. The coffee will bypass your teeth, preventing staining.

No. She did not just say that. Where’s the suction thing? Cause I’m going to stick it on her nipple until she says, “uncle.”

I understand the whole bypass thing. But, asking me to drink hot coffee through a straw is like asking me to run a marathon on an 1/8 mile track in someone’s dark basement. It takes all the joy out of it.

Oh, hey, and while I’m at it, why don’t I get one of those silly straws for when I’m out to dinner and drinking red wine, cause that’s a big stainer. I could even use one of these and then it might be kind of fun:

straw

Happy Friday.

32 comments:

  1. Ahahahaha. Thanks for the laughs, as always. Seriously laughed out loud at the whole thing. Fellow coffee addict right here! Actually I am pretty sure it is in my ABOUT ME section here on blogger. It is sad that I use coffee as a way to describe myself.

    I also snub my nose to that flavored crap and especially the Folgers at work. ICK!

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  2. coffee is my primary motivator and reward (probably only because alcohol is not socially acceptable/has too many calories to be drinking all day)...the hygienist must not be a coffee drinker because that is a terrible idea. those straws cracked me up! good one.

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  3. i would LOVE to see a pic of you drinking coffee through a penis straw :) Hilarious! You keep drinking your coffee! everyone's teeth are stained - deff worse things in the world to have.

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  4. hahahahahha, I actually have a couple of those exact man-junk straws hanging around my appartment, left over from a bachelorette party! I hate to admit it, but they're easier to drink out of than regular straws... I think because of the larger, ahem, girth.

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  5. I totally have one of those straws!! I won it for drawing the best picture of a wiener! I can't even draw, but apparently I have found my artistic specialty!
    ~RR

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  6. Before our wedding, I actually whitened my teeth and drank my morning tea from a straw. It was AWFUL!!!

    On another note, I have one of those penis straws in my cupboard right now. Leftover from a bachelorette. (TWSS)

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  7. OMG about the suction cup and nipple, so funny!! LOL

    I love my coffee but like it black and strong. Also a huge espresso fan but need sugar for it. Jet fuel before a run and so tasty.

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  8. i don't know if it's because i'm very overtired or what but i just laughed that i actually had to run to the bathroom so i didn't pee myself. thanks.

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  9. I also love coffee. I love it and must have it every day and I also use half and half. I drink skim milk - but buy half and half for my coffee. I even take a little to work with me in one of those mini-tupperware containers.

    I have been feeling like I want to "change up" my coffee routine. My coffee just doesn't taste like I WANT it to taste. Not sure if it is the actual coffee or the maker. Tomorrow morning I will be going back to my french press - and using Starbuck's morning blend. Back to basics.

    You don't need to drink coffee out of a straw - you simply need to go to the dentist to get your teeth cleaned. Isn't that what they are suppose to do.

    I had to laugh - last night I was watching Bravo and Tina Fey was on "What what happens live" and drinking white wine with a straw . . . really?

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  10. OMG! Hysterical post. I agree we need a photo of you drinking your coffee out of one of those straws!! :) I am the same about my first cup of coffee... FAVORITE TIME OF DAY BY A LONG SHOT!

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  11. Funny! You can get creative and buy a novelty straw for hevey holiday...I am sure they sell them at the Dollar Store! ;-)

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  12. I am not much of a tooth whitening kind of gal although I do use my colgate complete with whitening. I drink waaaay too much coffee and I love it.
    I am a black with lots of honey or if I have hemp milk I add that and sometimes rice milk. I remember half and half though and mmmmm. thats the shiz. Ever tried it with real whipping cream before its been whipped as a creamer?? Its also the shiz!!
    I think I need to find a stronger whitener cuz this gal is never giving up coffee.
    I have read it wards off Alzheimers....

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  13. I don't drink coffee (I know, the shame!) but I do have a Diet Coke from time to time and I know my dentist suggested the same thing once. I think a straw in a soda is at least socially acceptable though :).

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  14. I need coffee in the morning to function. In every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee. hehe ;p

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  15. What a great excuse to sip from the teeney peeney straw... "my dental hygienist recommended it"!! Love it!

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  16. Perfect teeth vs drinking coffee straight from the cup ... a hard choice but who needs perfection?! My dentist told me the same thing and I chose to ignore her ridiculous suggestion.

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  17. I love coffee thats why you bleach them if needed ;)))))

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  18. Just finished making my coffee when I logged in! I am definitely a coffee snob -- french press, fair trade, organic, black. No straws involved.

    I work at a cafe, and I can't help but judge people according to their orders. I think it's just part of the job. Anyway, someone asked me for a straw with their coffee the other day, and I am not going to lie, I thought a little bit less of them. But yes, I smiled and said, "No problem! I'll be right back with that."

    Oh, and I found one of those penis straws in my purse leftover from my sister's bachelorette party. It glows in the dark.

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  19. I drink EVERYTHING out of a straw! I'm weird like that. Even hot stuff. I cant drink coffee. Ive tried and i just don't like it. I do like hot chocolate with French vanilla creamer in it though! YUM!

    I would never have the balls to tell ANYONE what to do about their coffee. People are nuts about coffee!

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  20. We might have been seperated at birth - I LOVE COFFEE! I always have a pot going, and I even have the auto grind and brew that gets me up every morning. And, like you, just coffee and milk - nothing else. I do like it iced, especially after a long, hot run. I even worked at a coffee company while in college - everything I owned, including my car and room smelled like coffee!

    Ugh! A straw! Are you kidding me!? That is just ridic! I hope you suctioned that smile right off her face!

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  21. I have my manservant pour it directly down my throat a la instant margaritas. Both coffee and red wine work for this, though if you're not careful it goes up your nose and you spew it out all over the place. That stains.

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  22. i always drink my coffee with a straw :) lol

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  23. bahaha...nice straws!
    P.S. I thought about you this morning when I had to take three dumps before my half marathon..LOL! Flattering, isn't it?

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  24. it took me a minute to focus on the picture. I thought they were mouth contoured straws or something.. "or something" was right! lol Those are awesome! I couldn't have them in the house cause my kids would want todrink out of straws too.. and well... yeah...

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  25. I agree with everything you said here. Coffee is good. Also addicted. It helps me run faster and get up for morning runs.

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  26. Has she ever tried drinking coffee with a straw? She would burn her tongue if she did and that would serve her right. OK, I know, that was a mean comment.

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  27. I think that if you started drinking your coffee out of a straw, you'd have to buy a barett and drink it with BOTH pinkies pointing out.

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  28. Ha you dont need to drink it through a straw. Just brush your teeth with plain baking soda once a week or a few more. My dentist told me to do that and it's gross how much comes off since i'm a tea and coffee drinker. Also he told me i can mix a tad of peroxide to make it a paste and it helps with whitening, but i normally just make a paste with water. :) Happy Coffee drinking!

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  29. I didn't think the straw thing was real. I thought it was made up. Ok. I don't thinkI could do it either. It's just not right.

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  30. yes, stained teeth for me please!

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  31. Lil behind on the post here but you should have told her in return... that drinking out of a straw, similar to smoking, promotes wrinkles around your lips. Then see what she has to say. Ridiculous.

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