Friday, September 30, 2011

Bologna: Oh, How I’ve Missed You

I went to Costco very hungry today. This was not a good idea. Just as you should not go to the grocery store when you are hungry or the Nordstrom Rack when you are naked, you should never go to Costco, the home of the sample, while you are famished.

I didn’t realize how much I ate until I left and was driving home. I left a message for a friend, telling her I felt sick and that this was why (yes, we girls do this kind of crap):

Half a bologna and Miracle Whip sandwich (I know, they give you an entire half of a sandwich, score!)
Sample of crème brulee cheesecake
Sample of white chocolate raspberry cheesecake
Orange chicken
BBQ Korean chicken
Black Bean/Garlic Chips and salsa
Piece of bread with olive oil

Please enjoy this complimentary 2,700 degree F* sausage!

This is a picture of Ethel giving out penis samples.

Not only is this a lot of food, but it’s a lot of weird food all mixed together. This is a bunch of shit I never eat, with the exception of the bread and olive oil and the chips/salsa. I haven’t had bologna in years and my God, it tasted amazing. Clearly,  I should eat more of it because I am not getting my daily requirement of nitrates and ground up bull and pig organs.

All of this was not a meal for me, this was between meals, so additional to my regular intake. This got me to thinking: is there a statistic out there about the average number of calories a person consumes in Costco samples per shopping trip?

While I could not find an exact number (clearly someone should hire me to figure this one out), I did find the caloric values for some of the samples. Some examples from HERE:

Seafood salad on rice cracker: 32
Smoked salmon with cream cheese on a cracker: 50
Honey smoked salmon on a Ritz: 30
Tri Tip: 20
Hot & spicy wings: 63
Chicken Florentine: 30
Sun dried tomato & pasta: 40
Baked beans: 20
Bratwurst: 43
Sour patch kids: 10

Looks like on average, each sample is about 40 calories. If you are smart like me, you figure that ten samples = 400 calories or a 4-5 mile run. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

I farted samples all the way home. I was proud of that.

SUAR

PS: Go vote over at Runninghood for your favorite work of SU-ART!

30 comments:

  1. I just had a Costco samples lunch myself just yesterday! No bologna, though. That would be one food I would never, ever miss. Ever.

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  2. you truly are a special human being and for that I thank you!

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  3. That was too funny! Those calories add up fast!

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  4. I'm surprised you didn't have to stop to poop before you got home!

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  5. LOL, you gain weight going shopping!

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  6. Hahaha "I farted samples all the way home. I was proud of that." .... my kids would have had their heads out the window if that were me :-)

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  7. When my sis and I were young we would take the round slices of bologna and make eye and mouth holes and then wear the bologna on our faces al la Silence of the Lambs. I'm sure it didn't creep our mom out at all.

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  8. I had a similar problem yesterday at our monthly social hour at work. I ate the following: celery, carrots, grapes, oreos, half a bag of pirates booty, and 2 apricot wheat beers. Yes, i thought I would puke on the train home. Yes, I still want to eat pirate's booty.

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  9. bahahaha! Powered by Costco samples. Must create a piece of SHART SU-ART!

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  10. I actually miss fried bologna sandwiches with miracle whip! None of that mayo nonsense...blech!!!!

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  11. This is awesome, and SO appropriate for me today since we went to costco today, filled up on some samples, and then I wondered why I didn't feel like eating lunch when I got home, so I didn't. I didn't have quite as much as you, but I did have some chicken nuggets, some yogurt that tastes like chalk, and some fried cheese that was also aweful. I did enjoy the lentils and the Halloween candy that they were sampling. Those are pretty standard items for me to eat. We eat a lot of candy around here, that's why I run :)

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  12. Wow, if I buy a Costco membership, I'll never have to buy food again - I can just come back 3 times a day for samples!

    Totally feel ya on the Nordstrom Rack thing... I got an Alexis tank there for less than $30 recently!!

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  13. I used to take my kids to Costco for samples lunch. They thought it was the best thing ever. Which says a lot about my cooking.

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  14. Snorting laughter about Ethel. skewered with a smile.

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  15. Hahaha! I’m so glad I’m not the only one that leaves Costco sick to my stomach from eating crap. Hilarious post, chica!

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  16. I chew gum when I shop at Costco which prevents me from trying any samples!

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  17. Too funny. My husband and I went to SAMs club around lunch time today, both starved. He munched on all the samples and was farting up a storm the rest of the day. Totally letting them go at the liquor store.

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  18. The way I see it, it's free food! Never anything wrong with that!

    :)

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  19. That pic of Ethel made me spit my food out on the floor with laughter. Sounds like a great time at The Co ;-)

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  20. You couldn't pay me to eat the Costco samples.

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  21. How many calories does fasting use? You may have burnt off your entire Costco trip on the way home.

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  22. I have a confession to make: I have never been in a Costco. It' like I've been living under a rock, or something.

    I have been known in my poorer times in life to go to the grocery store and eat a bunch of samples when i didn't have money for food. The trick is to cycle through different stores so they don't recognize you...

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  23. My family didn't have much money. We had lots of fried bologna sandwiches growing up. But, I haven't had that in many, many years. Now, I'm going to crave it for weeks! Isn't that why we run? So, we can indulge a little? Well, at least, that's why I run. Definitely has to be real mayo. We were a German family, and Miracle Whip was like a dirty word.

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  24. Too funny! Ethel seems to be enjoying herself!

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  25. What was the caloric value on that penis sample? Maybe Ethel knows. Either way, I hope she was wearing some plastic gloves when she was handing them out. Safe sampling and all, you know...

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  26. You forgot the creme brulee and cheesecake - I just can't imagine that they were 40 calorie samples.

    The same thing happens to me at large Expos. By the time I have tasted the Powerbars, energy drink, recovery drinks, fruit juices, and yogurt samples - I feel like I have already carb loaded for the race

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  27. Bleck...I NEVER eat the sample at Costco! It just is too sketchy to me.

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  28. While there is no nutritional value in that stuff the 400-500 calories is not the biggest problem. It is that people eat that then go home or out and eat more crap and eat it in larger quantities b/c the Costco food provided nothing for them.

    Thus the 400-500 equals 1500-2000 in a few hours with little to no exercise involved.

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