Thursday, September 1, 2011

Disastrous First Dates

Daughter Emma (10 years old) and I were discussing “firsts.” She was disturbed because a very flat-chested friend of hers started wearing a bra. This led to her asking me all kinds of questions:

  • When was the first time you wore a bra? I still don’t. Ha! Actually probably when I was 16.
  • When did you get your period? 16. I know, I was LATE before I was even pregnant.
  • When did you start liking boys? Okay, REALLY liking, as in raging hormones, was age 13.
  • When did you first ride in a limo? (because kids these days think that this is a rite of passage they get to do when they’re like five years old): I think it was my wedding day, you spoiled kid.

I didn’t bore her with my virginity story, the first time I got drunk or the first time I crapped the delivery table while having a baby.  She didn’t ask or I would have been all over it.

This got me to thinking about “first date” stories and there is one in particular my dad will NEVER let me forget. In fact, I think he probably went out and murdered the guy afterwards, but never told me.

Setting: Columbia, Maryland.
Age: 20
Circumstance: I was home from JMU (college) for the summer. I worked at the disgusting, greasy, all you can eat Chesapeake Bay Seafood House as a waitress. Worst job on the planet, maybe even worse than “The Sev.” Big, obese people eating platters of fried shrimp and scallops. They’d make the universal “'another round” gesture by circling their pointer finger in the air as if to say, “Hey skinny ass waitress! Get us some more of ‘em greasy pieces of fish. I just took a dump and made some more room!”

Okay, yeah, so this does look kind of good, but 12 plates of this? Gross.

When you work in the restaurant business people party their heads off. Everyone is always drinking before, during and after their shifts. People are hooking up right and left. Tip money is spent on shots done at the bar after work. I wasn’t too extreme with my partying and hooking up.  I liked to be social but I just wasn’t that into the whole get wasted thing.

It was about that time I met Mark. He seemed nice enough, but I knew from the get-go he wasn’t my type. He stood very erect (TWSS), like he was in the Army or something. He had a buzz cut (maybe he was in the Army or a serial killer). He was very serious, a tad uptight, almost acted like he had a stick up his ass. I’m not sure what made me say, “yes” when he asked me out. Probably because I was bored and wanted a free meal. We slutty girls are like that.

He picked me up and when my parents asked where we were going, he said, “Just out to dinner at the Inner Harbor in Baltimore.” Liar.

We got into the car and he asked if I wanting to go flying. He said he had just gotten his pilot’s license and was trying to get in some more flying hours. Sure, why not? We drove to local airfield and hopped into a two-seater plane. It was getting dark so Mark put a flashlight in his mouth and went through the checklist. It never occurred to me to be scared, which is funny because these days I HATE to fly even when it’s Sully Sullenberger or some pilot that has 117 million flight hours.

Not the actual plane, but you get the picture

We took off and he told me we were flying to Ocean City for dinner. That was about 200 miles away. I shrugged, “Okay.” We flew for a while and landed near a restaurant on the bay where we had a nice dinner. I remember being totally NOT attracted to this person and thinking, “After tonight I’m done.” It never occurred tome to pay attention to the time.

We got back in the plane and headed for home. Trouble was, the gas gauge was LOW and we didn’t have enough fuel to make it back. At about midnight we ended up on some bum-fuck landing strip in the middle of nowhere. We woke up someone by banging on their door and got some more fuel. We flew back to Columba, but by the time I walked in the door to my parent’s house it was 3:00 a.m.

I figured I was a big girl now – in college and all – and I stayed out that late in college all the time. I really didn’t expect my parents to freak, but in hindsight, why wouldn’t they? I was out with some dude they didn’t know, long past when I said I’d be home. This was the age before cell phones and it never occurred to me to call them. That’s how considerate I was.

They laid the hell into me. They were about five seconds from calling the police. I was given the “All you care about is yourself” lecture, which was probably true at that time of my life.

As for Mark? Well, I don’t think he even got a good night kiss after flying me to the beach and buying me dinner. I did let him impregnate me though. Just kidding.

What’s  your worst/most interesting first date story?



  1. I'm just commenting because I want to be the first to comment. ;) That sounds like an awesome date...and exactly the type of thing I used to do. I once disappeared for an entire weekend with a boyfriend when I was 19. We had a lovely weekend on the Isle of Wight. Consequences? Letting my parents know where I was? Never crossed my mind.

  2. The ol' setup date. It was obvious from the get go we were not a match. Yet at the end of the evening I was the consummate gentleman and walked her to her door. What did I get in return? Face raped.

  3. I went out with a guy from work who was drunk before the date started and then threw up on my shoes. Then his mom (who was my boss) kept pressuring me into going out with him again. Getting your mom to sexually harass girls for you? Now that is my definition of a momma's boy.

  4. This guy at the cell phone booth in the mall asked me out. I worked at the jewelry booth at the time, so it wasn't THAT weird. First we went to the store so he could CHECK MY CREDIT to get a cell phone. He wouldn't tell me the score but did say I would need a $500 deposit to get a phone. HE was a bit cooler after that.

    So he took me to a movie afterwards. In the car, he told me about the bible. Nonstop. Dude didn't take a breath between sentences.

    He picked the movie. It was MORTAL COMBAT.

    As we were leaving the theatre, he said, "That was pretty good." To this day I don't know how he missed my look of absolute disgust.

    We got back into the car, "Yeah, I forgot I have an early class tomorrow," I said, "Can you just drive me home?"

    He said he understood and started towards my apartment. And then I said, "Would you mind stopping at the liquor store and buying me a six-pack?" I was underage, you see, but I was going to get COMPENSATED for my shitty evening.

    I spent the rest of the evening drinking Rolling Rock with my roommate on the balcony, and CellphoneBibleMortalCombat Guy went home.

  5. Oh. My. Gosh. Mine woulda been "fart man." He picked me up late and hungover, for a 2pm date, took me to a roving art exhibit in a mall and told me all about his bathroom experiences after he had them. Beth, you might have liked him!

  6. 1) The blind date that took me to Taco Bell, and made me pay.

    2) The blind double date where the guy was trying to sound very cool and suave by claiming he had had a threesome. I guarantee that was NOT true.

    3)The bartender from the strip club I met at my friends bachelorette party (It was an awful party). Met he and his friend at a bar where they started taking shots. Proceeded to next bar where they became even more shitfaced. On the way back to the original bar, driving down the service road of the freeway, bartender dude climbs out the window and onto the roof racks of my CRV!!! Even his friend was freaking out! After slowly and cautiously dropping them off at their own vehicle, I decided that bartender dude might be a little too much fun for me. He was hot though.

  7. So this wasn't my first date, but it did happen to a friend... He worked in marketing and got free front row tickets to the circus, so he decided to take this girl he had been wanting to ask out and impress her with these "great" tickets. As the elephant parade marched by, every elephant had explosive diarrhea! They ended up getting splashed with elephant poo. They left early and parted ways rather quickly to shower off the smell. But now they are married with 2 kids. So I guess elephant poo is a good first date?

  8. Similar story to yours...only my date ran out of gas in his jeep and we RAN, ran (probably the first time I ever ran) down a busy interstate back to his house where he "borrowed" his mom's car, which she actually thought had been stolen... yeah and he drove me home, past curfew. I'm pretty sure I didn't call my dad either and he didn't buy my story the next day.

  9. That is awesome! Can your parents laugh about it yet?

    I remember a bad first one: He took me to a terrible, cheap Italian restaurant then back to his house to watch Scarface. I don't need French Laundry for a first date, but watching Scarface at his house? First and last date.

  10. In college a guy asked me out to movie/dinner. On the way to the movie he insulted every type of music I liked at the time because they were so "overrated". Then he bought a ticket for himself and walked into the theatre leaving me outside. Afterwards, "dinner" consisted of coffee and a day-old muffin (again that I paid for). What a jerk. Later he tried to get me to pay for the expense of the gasoline in his car driving to the movie theatre.

  11. Oh, I loved the king crab legs from there! We used to buy the big buckets and eat it at home. (So sad they closed down, even though it's been years...)

  12. Oh, and I have a share of horrible dates from online dating... Including the guy who looked nothing like his picture, never said a WORD during coffee when I talk my ass off and have no problem talking to anyone (I did to him, since a monologue gets boring) and managed to ruin a Guns n Roses concert -- don't say you're a fan if you don't sing along to ANY of the songs!

    Or the guy who was a federal agent and kept talking about his gun. Every time he said "gun" I heard "penis" then my meal was $1 more than his, and when the bill came, not only he accepted my offer to split, but he actually said "uh, yours was a dollar more..." and yes, I paid the extra dollar. Then he asked me out on another day while walking to my car, and all I could think of "crap, he's armed."

  13. Wow - I must be lucky that I met my husband the week before I turned 18 and missed some of the losers I could have gone out with. I threw up before a date in high school and my dad never let me forget the "chili-barf". Nice!

  14. Hilarious post - loved it.

    Loved reading the others stories too.


    Nothing that compares to that but it's funny that you mentioned the "rolling in at 3am not thinking it's a big deal" part. I was home summer after my freshman year in college (also before cell phones) and had gone out dancing with my girlfriends who were also home for the summer. I was completely sober but came in about 3am to find my dad sitting up waiting for me...screaming at me about being disrespectful, blah blah blah. I remember being so shocked (b/c I am their straight and narrow kid) that I yelled back something about them not caring what time I rolled in while I was away and they were lucky I was not a drunk or drug addict and then went upstairs and slammed my bedroom door. Ahhh...maturity! LOL

  16. That's sounds like an awesome first date, aside from the whole running out of gas in an airplane and not liking the guy part... :)

  17. I met my hubs at a college party and was too drunk to remember making out with him. few weeks later, this guy calls and asks me out. I asked how he got my # and he told me I gave it to him right before the cops broke up the party. I agreed. We met outside of a Starbucks. I was on the phone with a friend when he walked up (just in case I needed an out) and I saw him and everything was good. He took me to this bar he use to work at and we got free drinks (great when the guy is 29 and you're under 21) and we went out to dinner afterwards. I've seen/spoken to him every singel day since.

  18. Just saw you went to JMU. I graduated from there also!

  19. Maybe not the worst date, but odd nontheless. Back in college went out on a date with a guy whose family then a primary owner of a major small appliances company (ie blenders, slow cookers, toasters, etc.). We had a nice dinner, but both felt it going nowhere. But as he dropped me off, he reached into the back seat and grabbed a toaster for me. Yes, I got a date parting gift. It lasted MANY years and my current one is the same brand.

  20. My stories don't even come close! That's a great one!...I wonder where that Mark is now??...Did he go Army or serial killer? hummmmm?

  21. Met a boy at a frat party in college. He asked me out. I had just broken up with my boyfriend and wanted to just get that first date with someone else out of the way so I said yes. We went to a party the next weekend. HIS ex-girlfriend showed up at the party and told him she wanted to get back together kidding...mid-date with me, he told me he was getting back with her, they were leaving the party, and could I find a ride home. Then actually CALLED me the next weekend to see if I wanted to go out again (I said no, in case you were wondering).

  22. Ah, the Chesapeake Bay Seafood House. My husband speaks fondly of that place. 6 kids and his dad used to walk in and say "they'll have the cod" because it was the cheapest on the menu.
    I went on a date with this guy to see the movie Air Force One because I love me some Harrison Ford. The theatre was pretty empty - maybe 20 people or so. Just as it got quiet, he ripped out this huge fart. It was so loud that I just stood up, walked across the theatre with my soda and pop corn and sat as far away from him as possible.
    I married him about 2 years later.

  23. Love the new pic of you running but I want to see the vein some more (TWSS)

    I honestly don't remember first dates because it was always all about me so they all went great. I would have to ask them how bad it was.

  24. hmmmmmmm i wish i had some good date stories! sadly most people don't date anymore (at least that's been my experience)

    i did do the whole online dating thing this past winter. no psychos though. lots of free meals.

  25. Back when I was 18 and still dating boys, I went on a date with a 21 year old guy. He took me to the restaurant he worked at to have drinks because I wouldn't get carded. Afterwards, we went back to "his place" which was actually his parent's place. I assumed they'd be asleep but nope, I had to meet ma and pa, both doctors, and like 9 of his little siblings. It was extremely awkward because I probably smelled of margaritas and it was a first date! I didn't want to meet his MOM and DAD! Maybe I'm selfish.

  26. Back when I was 18 and still dating boys, I went on a date with a 21 year old guy. He took me to the restaurant he worked at to have drinks because I wouldn't get carded. Afterwards, we went back to "his place" which was actually his parent's place. I assumed they'd be asleep but nope, I had to meet ma and pa, both doctors, and like 9 of his little siblings. It was extremely awkward because I probably smelled of margaritas and it was a first date! I didn't want to meet his MOM and DAD! Maybe I'm selfish.

  27. A few highlights

    1. The guy who told me he was a DR, but forgot his wallet when we went out to eat and I later found out he worked at Starbucks

    2. The guy who in the middle of dinner looks at me and says "Tell me all the things you don't like about me so far and I'll tell you what I don't like about you"

    3. The guy who spent the night telling me how red heads are the superior people

  28. i loved their policy that you could get anything on the menu at or less than the price of the original entree price. i ate so many king crab legs and bowls of steamed spiced shrimp that cats still follow me around. LOVE CBSH! Did i ever impregnate you?

  29. Hilarious... I'll spare you the 8 million times I irresponsibly allowed some idiot guy to take me somewhere.

    I had no idea you went to JMU. I'll spare you my harsh JMU joke. I went to UVA.

    Also Chesapeake Bay seafood house was my favorite growing up. Seriously... Was the best food we had nearby. Sad. I went to the one in Fredericksburg, VA though... So I promise, you weren't my waitress and I didn't give you a hard time. ;-)