Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Turkey Butt

There are many advantages to having kids.

  • Tax cuts
  • Little people you can order around to do things you don’t want to do.
  • Plates of nuggets and fries you can help yourself to at any time
  • Someone to always blame a fart on
  • An excuse to get out of doing something you don’t want to do. As in, “Sorry Bertha. I can’t go to that Irish tap dancing class because my child is projective vomiting.”
  • A designated driver (anytime from the age of 8 on up)
  • A rationalization for buying Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch, but who really needs a reason?
  • A reason to get up in the morning when you are having a hard time finding one.

But, perhaps the greatest advantage is that your kids tell it like it is. They call you out on your shit like no one else does. They know your buttons and they freaking push them all day long. Not even your best friend in the world would dare to point out the things your kids do.

  • Mom, why are you getting so angry that vein is popping out of your neck?
  • Wow, mom, that eye shadow is too much. It looks kind of creepy.
  • Mom, that fart smells like something died in your colon. Have you been to the doctor?
  • Why are you in such a bad mood and blaming stuff on me? I’m just a kid. Maybe you need to go lay down.

And the occasional heart breaker:

  • I know you tried your hardest in that race. Good job, mom. I’m proud of you. (Remember this amazing thing? If you haven’t read what Emma wrote, go do it.)

You know this is leading up to something, right? That I have one of my stories to tell that ties into all of the above? I’m a sucker for a good, pointless story.

Setting: Yesterday morning, 7:30 a.m. My kitchen

The kids were eating breakfast at the counter before school. I was in my go-to outfit that is a combination of pajamas and “active wear.” It is something I can sleep in, but also something I could wear to the grocery store if need be. This cuts down on having to change clothes very often. Yesterday's outfit was a pair of sweats and a t-shirt.

I was standing at the stove cooking my oatmeal (yeah, I make the real thing that takes about 15 minutes). I was stirring away, my back to the kids.

Sam: “Hey mom.”
Me: “Yeah?”
Sam: “Doesn’t it bother you the way you have such a wedgie right now? Like, don’t you even feel that?”
Me:Okay, maybe you shouldn’t be looking at your mother’s butt. Ever think of that?”
Sam:It wasn’t like I was trying. I was just panning around the room, and-boom!-saw your wedgie.”

And, he was right. My sweats had totally creeped up. Not a pretty sight. But I feel blessed I had some wise 13 year old to point this out to me before I went to the library. Because NO ONE, not even librarians, like to see a turkey butt (def: the condition of having one's clothing stuck between the buttocks.When ones ass gobbles up their pants.”). Gobble, gobble.

At least I did not have this going on (God bless People of Walmart):


At least she is buying TP for those cheeks.

What’s the best thing about having kids?

How do your kids (or, someone else’s) call you out on stuff or push your buttons?



  1. I started swimming a few years back. My kids swim, I'm trying to set the "healthy, active lifestyle" example for them; plus I really enjoy it. HOWEVER, I usually swim when they're done (no sense being too good of an example, aside from which I typically have a few choice words for their coach part way through MY workout). Logistics were tough this summer though, so I started swimming at the same time they did. Which I was pretty comfortable with. Until I heard my daughter tell her friend, "no, that wasn't our group in the end lane. That was my mom, and I KNOW it was because I could see her leg flab going blub-blub-blub {insert kicking motion with fingers here} all the way down the lane!". Leg.Flab. Ummm...I love her dearly and I no longer swim with them.

  2. My 9 year old son asked me the other day why my running partner was so much skinnier than me. I think of that comment every time I steal one of his pop tarts.
    Lynne Stacey

  3. My 5 year old daughter "Mom ..why do your legs, your belly and your boobs jiggle when you run ?"

    My friend said to tell her it was " speed flab "

    No idea what speed flab was but it sounds better than regular flab

  4. One of my kids at mile 25 1/2 of my last marathon, "Hurry up Mom we're DYING."

  5. Kids are great, aren't they? Here's a few:

    Hey mom, you have a big red spot on your face. Did you know that? I think it's a big zit!

    Your hands look old. Why are all those veins popping out?

    Is that what color your hair would be if you didn't have angella fix it? (looking at my roots) Wow, yuk, good thing you have her make it blonde.

    um yah, thanks.

  6. I'm 9 wks post partum and my 22 mo old likes to pull up my shirt and poke my belly flab. She wants to do this, especially, while she is riding in the grocery cart.

  7. LOL... my son two days ago: mom, you have a potbelly. well, it isn't really a POT belly... that would stick out farther. you have a POOCHY belly... are you having another baby?

    guess it's time to do some ab work :P

  8. WOW, those are awesome. My kids are still pretty young and don't poke too much fun at me yet.

    They did once go almost all day before they told me that my ponytail, that was in a bun, had come undone, and was sticking straight up. It looked pretty silly, and explained a bunch of strange looks. I asked them how long it had looked like that, and they were like, pretty much since we left the house. Fabulous. Not sure why they could't have told me then.

    I am just glad Keira is still young enough that I can take her to the bus stop in my pjs without her being embarrassed yet. Not sure which is worse, though, pjs or running clothes w/ compression socks, visor, ect, for being embarrassing, though.

  9. I am sitting at my desk giggling away at Sam's comment.

    I do love the brutal honesty of my kids too!

  10. My almost 10 year old daughter at the dinner table a few weeks ago after I had spent most of the day in bed with a migraine:
    "So how was YOUR day, Mom?"

    Yeah, right.


  11. Your son did NOT say that?!?? This has to be scripted. How can he be so funny/witty/brilliant/snarky?!?!

  12. LOL!!! These are some pretty good comments! I'll have to remember to come back and read the rest...LOVE #4...so typical! :)

    My boys are always fast to point out almost anything I do wrong, latley it's my driving..after 30+ years I still can't drive apparently. Oh and when I was complaining about training for Boulder they were sure to remind me that I had paid to do this. :) Love em!

  13. gobble gobble. hahahah. never knew there was a name for it.

  14. So, my two sons were walking home from school & I decided to walk and meet them. Apparently as I was walking towards them, they were debating about whether it was really mom walking to them or not. The older son said yes, it was mom... the younger son said, no it can't be mom... she's too fat. I don't know whether to be flattered that he thinks I'm skinnier than I am, or be offended that he thought I looked fat.

  15. Another one involving my sons: My boys informed me that their aunt is a better cook than I am. I pretended to cry, so my sweet boys tried to comfort me... "It's just that she actually makes yummy meals every night... you just do sometimes." "When your meals are good they're really good, it's just that when they're bad, they're really bad." I finally had to quit pretending to be hurt because, unfortunately, they're right. Sigh.

  16. Thank you, that was really funny! I have never heard turkey butt before. My favorite is when my kids push on my stomach and say "squishy, squishy." At least it gets me to the gym!

  17. Your kids are hilarious. Kids love to point out your flaws too. Like, "what is that red bump on your face?" and then I have to answer "well, that's a zit. something you should stop getting once you're after the age of 20. Thanks for pointing that out." Little a-holes.

  18. I have never heard of turkey butt and now I can't stop laughing. That is perfect in so many ways.

  19. My husband had a double hernia a few years back and my youngest announced to the vacation bible school that his daddy had two booboo's on his privates and had to go to the hospital to be fixed.

  20. Yeah, that girl in the picture has what my kids call a 'hungry bum'. Classy!

  21. These little stories crack me up every time. Your house sounds like a laugh a minute - they could totally make a reality show about you. And I mean that in a good way!

  22. my oldest (then 4) yelled at me in the grocery (and I mean YELL): "Mom, I think you don't understand that boys have a penis and girls have a vagina." I started to laugh, this lady next to me was completely offended so I look at my kid and said: "evidently she didn't understand either!"

  23. I loev the people of walmart website! Hilarious!

  24. If I ever get around to spawning children I hope to God I can manage to raise them in a way where they feel like they can be that straightforward and honest with me!

    You give me hope in a hopeless world of crazy parents!