Thursday, September 8, 2011

Confession Thursday

Confession: I love to eavesdrop. Do not even pretend you don’t. I like it for probably for the same reason I love reality TV. It is just mundane, stupid bullshit. I guess I want to know that other people’s lives are not more exciting than mine. Or, maybe I want to live vicariously. Or, maybe I am just BORED. I don’t know.

Just so you know, it is eavesdrop with a “v.” I always though it was “easedrop”  or “eafsdrop” for so long. Kind of like I always thought it was “asterick” and not “asterisk.” Give me a break, I’ve only been alive 44 years. I can’t know everything.

Today I went to get a pedicure. I am showing you only the master kind big toe because no one wants to see the full ugly spread.


The colors are OPI (Bring on the Bling is the top sparkle color, but I can’t remember the name of the pumpkin color).

While getting my peddy, I was listening in on the conversation the two twenty-ish girls beside me were having, because this is what I do. I love overhearing what people say. I even read texts over people’s shoulders if I can.

These girls were talking about salt bath soaks and this new special one that is VEGAN. I’m thinking, seriously, a VEGAN bath soak? It’s not like I’m going to eat or drink the damn bath salts, so why do I care if it’s vegan? Was it gluten free too? I guess if you really don’t like to harm animals, then you would care. But to me, this was so BOULDER. What a luxury to be able to spend $20 extra on bath salts just so they are vegan. I’ll stick with Calgon.

Then they moved from vegan bath salts to the fact that one girl’s cat threw up on her bed this morning. The discussion elaborated on why cats throw up so much.

Girl 1: Oh my God, I think it must be hairballs!

Girl 2: Like, I don’t know. My cat is on a vegan diet, but he still throws up.

Girl 1: I mean, do you think it could be, like, all the mice he is eating?

Girl 2: Totally! Like, mice will mess up your GI system, especially if they are not vegan mice made out of tempeh or tofu. Then you are SCREWED!!

Okay, we’ll maybe I embellished the story about the throw up a bit, but they really were talking the science behind cats throwing up. Very deep.

This got me to thinking. Am I the only one who eavesdrops? And, why do I find it so fascinating? If you are an eavesdropper, I have a tip for you. The two prime places to listen in on someone’s conversation are:

  1. While camping, when people are in a tent.
  2. While in a dressing room at a store.

In both of these places, people have the mistaken illusion that no one can hear them. Yeah, like you can’t hear through tent material or through the open ceiling of a dressing room!! But you can get really good material this way. People even have loud sex and flatulence in tents. They just don’t get it. HELLO!! Tents are not not made of real soundproof walls!

I think my favorite and most recent eavesdropping story occurred at the dollar store about a month ago. I was in the toothpaste aisle, and these two old ladies were in the next aisle over with the medicines  (probably members of the pussy posse). I am NOT making this up:

Lady 1: Oh, have you tried this stool softener? It really helps with hard B.M.s (You know it is old ladies because NO ONE and I mean NO ONE uses the term “BM” anymore. It’s so passé. NOT to be confused with BMS, which is something different altogether.)

Lady 2: Oh my. Well, what do you mean?

Lady 1: What I mean is that when your BMs get really hard, this medicine helps!

Lady 2: Oh, I understand because sometimes mine do come out like hard marbles! I should try this!

For a moment I actually thought that I was on candid camera and someone set up this little old lady conversation just for my benefit. Because I enjoyed it WAY too much.

Do you eavesdrop? What’s something juicy/mundane/funny you heard?



  1. i definitely cant help but overhear conversations. the last one was two business men was saying to the other "yea, women are easy like that, we have so much power!" .. LOL wtf?

    xoxo <3

  2. I heard a woman in a dressing room on a cell phone go on and on about her impending 50th birthday and how her life was over. Sad.

    One time my husband and I went into a Baskin-Robbins - it was late at night and we were the only ones in there. While we stood there waiting for someone to come out of the back we were listening to the most unbelievably nasty (sexually) rap song playing over the speakers. We looked at each other and snickered and looked around expecting that we were on candid camera or something. No such luck - just the kids winding up the evening with a little light music. LOL!

    P.S. My Costco shampoo is vegan and gluten free - perhaps I should try some on a salad?!

  3. Last interesting nail salon convo I listened in on was during Campus Crusade for Christ this summer in Ft Collins. This missionary girl was getting a pedi and asked the (Vietnamese) nail tech, "SO! How. Long. Have. You. Been. In. The. United. States?"

    The guy was like, "Uh, I was born here."

    She just kept going on without a hitch, asking him how many kids he has and what church they go to. So invasive.

    I wanted to go up to her (I was 30 weeks pregnant at the time) and start asking if she knew any single guys cause I need to find my baby a daddy! But I held back...

  4. Gosh I love your 20-year-old girl dialog. I hope I don't talk like that! My roommate and I are pretty different, she's a total girl, and when her friend and her are in the room gossiping together and I am "reading" my world lit book I'm really just listening to them hate on other girls and talk about all these hot guys that like to hit on them even though they are about the least likely of girls for that to happen to.

  5. I like to work from the coffee shop in the afternoon, and there are fantastic conversations in there. Because, you know, OBVIOUSLY there are soundproof walls between the tables.

    Best: "So my lawyer tells me that I'll get 50% because CA is a community property state, and I'm like, 50%? What does he need 50% for? He'll probably SAVE it. I want all three houses. He should have to find an apartment."

    Worst: (Right after Rihanna got the #$%& kicked out of her by Chris Brown. I should explain that this particular coffee shop has a very active church/missionary contingent.) "I mean, like, he had no right to do that to her. No right at all. The bible says that you're not allowed to raise your hand against a woman until you're married. So he totally should have waited."

  6. Oh, man. I don't think I would have started a blog at all if it weren't for eavesdropping. I am a horrible listen-to-other-people's-conversationer. Occasionally, I will forget myself and say something. It can be a bit... awkward.

  7. if i'm at a football game or concert and someone is texting in front of me, i'll read their texts.... listening in at games is interesting too especially talk in the bathroom.

  8. if i'm at a football game or concert and someone is texting in front of me, i'll read their texts.... listening in at games is interesting too especially talk in the bathroom.

  9. One of the reasons I enjoy being on a college never know TWAT you will hear!!

  10. LOVE your blog.

    My sister and I were at Walmart (best place EVER to listen in on people's conversations.

    A wife and husband (hillbilly type) were buying Motrin like products- the wife wanted to REAL Motrin, he wanted the cheap look-alike Motrin...he finally gave in, and said, "Fine...get it, I can't afford to have you laying around all day."

    My sister and I about died on the floor laughing. That was several years ago, and we still use that line.

    I'm new to running - 10 weeks in, I'm up to 5 miles, LOVE IT. HARD STUFF, but fun.
    Kelly in Michigan

  11. Shit. The hubby and I got a bit romantic in a tent this summer, and now I'm REALLY paranoid. He assured me that nylon had exceptional sound proofing qualities...the lying bastard.

  12. I need to ax you a question…

    Can't YOU imagine having that very same conversation with a close friend? If not now, then in 10 years or so? I can.

    I am a champion eavesdropper…except I have a hard time not interjecting which makes for some very awkward moments :P

  13. "People even have loud sex and flatulence in tents.", my husband and I were the eavesdroppers on the loud sex part during a camping trip this summer!

    Voices do carry....especially THOSE type of voices. "Ben" and his chick certainly had a gooooooood night. We can vouch for it :)

  14. vegan sea salt? really?
    hmmmm wow...

    There are amazing conversations you can overhear at the gym--
    there is certainly one affair i am privy to knowing about-but they don't know that i know...

  15. Now, if Ashton Kutcher from Punked came out at the Dollar Store, I'd be WAY jealous!!!

  16. Cats are carnivores. If it was being forced to eat tofu no wonder it was throwing up.

    Your post is timely. I just passed a couple of quite overweight, geeky young men in the aisle that sold condoms. They were discussing the virtues of the different brands and all I could think was that these were the biggest optimists I'd met in a long time.

  17. I sometimes go to Panera to study and I have heard some pretty great conversations there. One was between a bunch of preteen girls on some team and they had to explain something dirty (I can't for the life of me remember what it was) to one girl who was a little more innocent than the rest. She just wasn't catching on (poor girl) but gave me a good laugh.

  18. The bus and Light Rail transit is an astonishingly good place to eavesdrop. The best one was a few years back, when I happened to be (ahem) in my early 40's. Three barely dressed sweet young things, each of whom was clearly jailbait joined me. At that time the LRT had bench seating facing each other, so 4 people could sit as a group and chat.

    They chatted about their day at Stampede, especially about the old creep that was following them around and hitting on them periodically. They went on about how old and creepy he was. Now, it is utterly impossible for 3 people to have a conversation and not have the 4th person hear it. Plus during stampede, the barriers are a little lower, if you know what I mean, and no that shouldn't remind you of a video recently posted on this fine blog.

    I caught the eye of the one SYT and asked how old they thought the creep was, out of curiosity. One of them said, "Oh, really old, like 40, maybe more. Way too old for us." I smiled, and said "And rightly so, that's probably your parent's age, sorry to interrupt."

    One of them, fractionally less wide between the eyes, if you know what I mean, broke out laughing. Oh, she said, so that's how old you are! I wouldn't have guessed. No offense intended. (Which was nice of her.)

  19. I overheard a lady on the phone in a Casey's gas station bathroom a few weeks ago. She had a southern accent so it made it so much better! The ladies' room was out of order. Here's about how it went: "Never in my whole life have I had ta use a men's room 'cause the women's was broken. So, since I got a good head on these shoulders, I'm not gonna sit down, I'm gon' hover....hello? hello? Can you hear me? I said I'm gonna hover. I'm pullin ma pants down. Oh, glad they got this bar right here, 'cause I can hold on to I don't touch the toilet seat." (peeing sounds) "Oh, I had ta go bad.....I said I had to go pee real bad!" (more peeing)

    At this point, since I, too, had to pee "real bad", I went into the ladies room and went on the broken toilet anyway. I came out and she was still narrating her bathroom experience. I was in disbelief that anyone would stay on the phone giving a play-by-play of their pee session, in a gas station bathroom, no less. I was so hoping I could've stood there to hear the whole thing, but duty called.

  20. Oh, and Beth should be complimented. The fasionista from Belarus has dropped in. No exclamation marks yet, but these things take time, and Beth is still a young blogger.

  21. I love bathrooms at sporting events, concerts, bars, etc. Watching drunk girls attempt to fluff their hair or apply more make-up while discussing their new crash diet. Really? I can barely remember to carry chapstick in my purse...

  22. I'm not ashamed to say that I LOVE eavesdropping on people in campgrounds. It's HILARIOUS how people think you can't hear them just because they're in their tent/ pop-up. Last summer, there was someone going at it in a tent in the next campsite who kept us up most of the night (holy $#!@ were they loud). We decided to head to the shower house the same time as this girl the next morning and proceeded to recite some of her more embarrassing "dirty talk". We didn't hear a peep from the poor girl the rest of the weekend.

  23. On a train one evening,there was a lady sitting opposite me looking very business like and smart,she was quietly doing her crossword.
    After a while, she produced her cell phone and rang someone.
    The conversation proceeded in a most embarrassing flirty way with her using about every sexual inuendo in the book. Finally she pocketed her phone and went back to her crossword.
    It was bizarre.
    I particularly liked her 'its me' at the beginning of the call.

  24. Once I was standing in line at Walmart and the guy in front of me answered his cellphone, "Yo, dawg, I'm out on bond!"

  25. Hard marbles.....ha ha ha!!!!

    That is classic.

  26. I always listen to other peoples conversations too! My favorite is when someone is talking on their cell phone in a bathroom stall. I always hope they will drop their phone in the toilet, but so far no luck.

  27. I only wish right now I could remember some of the great conversations I have heard!!

    My fav. place to "eavesdrop" is at a restaurant...I will usually stop conversation with who ever I am with (usually my hubby) and nod my head toward the table I am listening too...its always about a spousal fight, an affair so and so are having or issues with kids...I think its hilarious.

    My hubby use to be annoyed with it now he just laughs and waits til I am done eavesdropping. (thanks for showing the correct spelling ..I never really knew I guess)

  28. There is a vent inn the workout room of our condo and you can hear what is being said in the laundry room. This is the conversation that I overheard one day.

    "Oh girl, I always leave peppermint next to the bed in case I get excited."
    "Uh huh I know what you mean. Mint toothpaste is great too."
    "MMMM HMMMM OH GIRL You have no idea !!"

    There was more, but this is pretty much the way the conversation went. I was using the treadmill and it was hard to hear everything, without moving right under the vent. I decided to go into the office to let them know that maybe they should tell the maids that we could hear everything that they were talking about.
    Trust me, I did listen for a bit before going to the office, because I didn't want to accuse them of giving out oral sex tips and be wrong. And you know when I told my guy about it he asked if I learned anything new. (eye roll)
    Sure enough, the office lady told me the next day that the ladies said they were discussing medical help for Aspergers. HA.. I know what I heard.

  29. well don't I feel like an a-hole! I'm vegan and didn't even know bath salts could be vegan or non-vegan! Whoops!

    Poor cat -- they're not supposed to be vegan. It's probably why he is always barfing. They're carnivores by nature. Watch them chase a mouse. Not the tofu kind.

    I eavesdrop everywhere but the worst is at the restaurant. Ang realizes I am not paying any attention to her, instead I am listening to the couple next to us. It's super embarrassing when someone at the table behind us makes a joke and I bust out laughing. I forget that I am not with them and that joke was not for me. I would hate to be my date.

  30. Actually just yesterday at Whole Foods I overheard the juiciest, most scandalous conversation I'd ever overheard! I was waiting in line and there was a young man and woman behind me. It went something like this:

    Woman: I like this arrangement.
    Man: Yeah, it works.
    Woman: You could be engaged and I wouldn't know it. You could even be married and I wouldn't know it.
    Man: You could be engaged too and I wouldn't know it.
    Woman: I hope she treats you right.
    Man: She does. It's not about that. I hope yours treats you right too
    Woman: Yeah he does. Hold this for me? (I guess she handed him something)
    Man: No
    Woman: This will be the last interaction we ever have. (joking)
    Woman: How should we act if I ever see her?
    Man: Act? I'm going to act normal.

    And then I got called to the register. Ugh!!

  31. Ok, I am a serial evesdropper - my husband hates it but I can't help it. It's awesome.

    Anyway, *cat on a vegan diet*? That can actually kill it. They need animal protein - I read it in a Vegetarian Times article, so if *they* are saying cats need animal protein, it's almost guaranteed to be true. Dogs can go veg, but not cats. What a dumbass.

  32. I really never hear anything good when I eavesdrop, but am constantly amazed at how stupid people are. "If you mix Jello and drink it, it will get rid of lactic acid after a workout," etc., etc. Love all of the overheard conversations everyone else is sharing!